


Finding Home

by ersatzerin



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, One small canon divergence because Sara and Leonie's texts don't make sense for timeline, POV - David, S03 from David's POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2020-12-24 10:24:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 94,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21097931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ersatzerin/pseuds/ersatzerin
Summary: David Schreibner has come to a new school to finish his final couple months of high school attempting to just get through it without anyone noticing him. Then he meets Matteo Florenzi and everything changes.-This is season 3 from David's POV because I couldn't get it out of my head





	1. Get It Over With

David awoke with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was Monday and it was his first day starting at his new school. He had promised himself that he was going to do everything he could to make the end of this year better. He would keep his head down, be friendly but not too friendly - he didn’t need to get close to anyone. He was only going to be there for a couple of months, then he would complete his abi and be done with high school once and for all. The mantra started in his head, “Head down, get it over with.” Repeating that over and over, he dragged himself out of bed.

His sister Laura had been kind enough to make him some breakfast and smile her sunny smile at him while trying to hide the tension in her eyes. She knew how scared he was and she was venturing to be as easy and casual as she could be to try to assuage his fears.

“This is going to be great David. No one knows you there. This will be nothing like it was before,” her voice light and warm. “Everyone will just get to know you as David and get to see how amazing you are. It’s going to be great, I promise.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” David gave her his best approximation of a confident smile. “Thanks for breakfast. I’m going to head out.”

“Good luck! It’s just going to be so great!” David could tell that Laura was trying so hard to be positive he hated that she might get let down.

As he walked up to the school the sense of dread pushed down on him once again. The school was so much larger than his last school. But he reminded himself that that was a good thing, much easier to be anonymous in such a large school. His biggest fear in this moment was getting hopelessly lost in the building and drawing attention to himself because of it.

He at least knew where he needed to go to start his day. He’d been here just over a week ago with Laura to meet with the head teacher. He headed over to her office now to pick up his class schedule, keeping his eyes down and his headphones on hoping that if anyone did look his way it was clear he did not want to be engaged or spoken to.

The quiet of the office was nice. It let David calm himself before having to walk into his first class. 

“Ah David Schreibner, right?”

“Yes, that’s me”

“Well welcome David. We are very happy to have you join us here…a little strange with so little time left in the school year, but happy nonetheless.”

David just gave the secretary a tight-lipped smile. It really wasn’t any of her business how “strange” it might be to transfer in so late in the year.

When David didn’t reply the woman took a beat and continued with a permanent smile on her face, “So here is your schedule. Advanced courses in Art, Math, and PE, correct?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Very well then. Your first class starts in five minutes and is just upstairs from here. I know the school is pretty large but everyone is very nice, so if you aren’t sure where to go someone will be more than happy to help you. You have a wonderful first day, David.”

“Thanks,” David wasn’t even sure the word fully left his mouth. The woman’s kindness was warring with his nerves and he was pretty sure he was coming off as incredibly rude. He smiled once more and turned and left the office. Hopefully she wasn’t lying and that people were actually nice here. David could use some “nice” in his life.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

It was now Friday night and David had successfully completed his first two weeks at school. He had to admit it to himself that it had gone pretty well. Everyone had been nice and welcoming. There was a lot of laughter and a general ease to the place. Maybe this is what high school was like for most people. Just hanging out with friends and the only stress that you ever contended with was getting your assignments done on time and not failing any of your classes. 

The tension that David had been holding in his chest his entire life was also starting to relax a little. So far no one had questioned his excuse for coming to the school so late in the year. Moving from a small town no one had heard of seemed to be a valid excuse that didn’t prompt a bunch of follow-up questions even if it wasn’t true. He knew that no one was going to call him a girl, or use his birth name, or ask him those terrible, intrusive questions because no one knew and no one was going to know.

In celebration of David’s upturn Laura had ordered them pizza and they were just curling up on the couch to watch some new Netflix show Laura had heard about.

“I told you the new school was going to be great, didn’t I?” Laura could never help but to gloat. The pains of having an older sister.

“Yes, you were right. Still, it will be better once it’s over. I’m sure you don’t love spending your weekends hanging out with your younger brother. Once high school is done I feel like my life can actually begin.”

“David, first, I love spending time with you because you are the greatest all-time person. And second, you shouldn’t be afraid for your life to start now. You can have a life without coming out to people if you don’t want to. And you never know, you could meet some great people who would one hundred percent accept you for who you are. I know things were terrible for you in the past but that doesn’t mean they will continue to be now or in the future.”

“I thought we were going to watch this show, not talk about things we’ve talked about a million times.” 

“Ok fine, I’ll drop it, but I just want all the happiness for you David, and I hate seeing you closing yourself off from people because it really is the best knowing you and getting to be part of your life. But I will shut up now and turn on the show,” and with that Laura directed her attention away from David and onto the screen.

David felt his eyes prick with tears at the amount of love he had for his sister. He doesn’t know what he would do without her and is so thankful every day that he has never had to find out. 

With the show playing in the background, David’s thoughts start drifting to things he tries not to think about. Like the looks on his parents’ faces when he told them he was trans. Or the last conversation he had with them where they essentially blamed David for being bullied because he had “chosen” to be a boy. 

Oh god, David knew that tonight would be another night that he cried himself to sleep. And everything had been going so well…

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

The weekend had been rough. 

David’s thoughts from Friday night had seeped into Saturday and Sunday, so he’d spent the whole weekend shut up in his room drawing and listening to sad music. He really excelled at self-pity and that just made it all worse because he knew that he was doing it to himself. At the one point that David had left his room to get some food Laura had stopped him in his tracks and proclaimed, “If there was a worldwide competition for best wallower you would be the undisputed champ. Let’s see that smile, sunshine!”

When even that hadn’t drawn a smile or laugh from David, Laura knew to leave him alone for the rest of the weekend. She knew that sometimes he just needed to work things out on his own and would push farther away if you tried to pull him out. 

So on Monday morning his mood matched what it had been a couple weeks before. Over the course of the weekend he had convinced himself yet again that school was going to be terrible and the bullying would start any day now. He pulled out his baggy black sweater and grey pants thinking of them less as clothes and more as armor from prying eyes. He hoped that when people saw him their eyes just slid right past him and didn’t register a thing.

It was a dark and rainy day which suited him just fine because he felt like his mood had pushed itself out into the world. His bus always got him to school a little early for class so he stopped by his locker to leave his PE stuff there for later. This was the problem with having no friends and no one to talk to, when you got somewhere early you had to occupy yourself and when you hated every thought you had it was hell.

David pulled on his headphones and put on his favourite playlist to try to drown out the sadness he was feeling. He started heading to his first class when something unprecedented happened. 

He was completely lost in the music and his thoughts when he became aware that someone was walking toward him. He looked up and locked eyes with the most beautiful boy he had ever seen. His eyes echoed the sadness that David felt and with the contact it was like the world stopped and David’s heart with it. The other boy looked almost shell-shocked and they passed each other never breaking eye contact. 

Once David was passed him he couldn’t actually believe that the boy had been real so he looked back over his shoulder and saw the boy still staring his way. David looked away because the power of the boys eyes on him was almost too much. David had no idea what the boy saw when he looked at him, but he knew that if he was a different person he would do anything to know the boy.

All day David couldn’t get the boy out of his head. Different details would come back to him. How messy his blonde hair was. How his lips looked soft and kind of pouty. How his skin looked so smooth. How his clothes had kind of hung off of him. And his eyes, always his eyes. So blue, so sad. David would do anything to see the sadness leave those eyes. 

He was sitting in his advanced PE class surrounded by two girls who since his first day had apparently decided to take it upon themselves to make David their friend. 

“David, can you believe he said that?” the smaller of the two girls, David was almost completely positive her name was Leonie, had apparently been talking to him and he hadn’t heard a word.

“Sorry what?”

“Can you believe Mr, Neuhaus said that it is fine if the girls can’t finish the circuit? As though no girl could ever keep up with the boys. He’s so sexist!”

“Oh yeah, that’s lame.”

“Ha ha, lame. Yeah, totally lame,” the girl was smiling up at David. 

“That just makes me want to beat the boys all the more. Prove him wrong, you know?” the taller girl, Sara he was positive her name was Sara, said with a fierceness that David appreciated. 

He liked these girls. They seemed to be sweet but strong. They both kind of reminded David of Laura. He supposed it wouldn’t be so bad making a couple of friends. It definitely made dealing with their imposing PE teacher easier. He felt his mood lightening considerably compared to this morning. The wonders of a cute boy and the prospect of new friends had managed to sweep the darkness from David’s mind. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - 

After PE class on Tuesday David was waiting with Leonie for Sara to come out of the locker room, and Leonie was insisting he join the abi prank committee who was having their first meeting on Friday night. Apparently it was being lead by a couple of friends of Leonie and Sara, two girls that were “just the best” according to Leonie. 

“I’ve traditionally been in charge of everything for our class, but Kiki was really excited about all the possibilities for the abi prank and Sam is so game for anything that I feel confident that they’ll do a great job,” Leonie was chatting away again to David, clearly forgetting that he doesn’t know who Kiki or Sam are. “So will you come?”

“Oh yeah sure. It sounds like fun,” David smiled. He didn’t actually know if it sounded like fun but he had gotten really sick of being alone all the time and joining the abi prank committee seemed like it would be low chance of getting too close to anyone and would give him that little social nudge that he knew he needed.

“He invited me over on Thursday night and I think I’m going to do it then. I’m going to make it clear whether he is my boyfriend or not. I’m sick of wondering,” Sara had just walked up and started talking as though they were in the middle of an on-going conversation.

“I think that’s a really good idea. I mean you know him, he’s so quiet he won’t say anything either way unless you just straight up ask him,” Leonie responded. 

This was something David had never experienced before, friends who were so close, so in sync that there was no context needed for the conversation to continue. David didn’t want to draw attention to himself by asking who this “he” was, but he was sure he would be told at some point anyway so he just continued walking along with Sara and Leonie as they discussed the best way for Sara to broach the subject with this boy that she wanted to be her boyfriend. 

David had never known how to talk to girls. Talk like this had always confused him. It was one of the things that made him realize he wasn’t “one of the girls” when he was younger. Girls were a bit of a mystery to him. He had the fleeting thought that he really needed to make some guy friends at some point.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

On Friday he was early for his advanced PE class and was sitting kicking himself for always being so early when Sara and Leonie came walking in. Both girls faces lit up when they saw David. That was a definite plus. He can’t remember a time when anyone’s face had lit up upon seeing him outside of Laura. 

“Hey, na?” Leonie’s voice sounded like sunshine.

“Hey,” David felt a smile creep onto his face.

“Why isn’t anybody here yet?” Leonie looked around.

“Ummm we are about 5 minutes early for class,” David says around a bit of a laugh.

“We are?” Sara says as she pulls out her phone and looks at the time. “Well that never happens. What do you want to do?”

“Race?” Leonie has a mischievous grin on her face.

David and Sara look at each other and David can see the competitive gleam in Sara’s eyes which gets his own ultra-competitive spirit going. 

“First one to the far wall and back to this line here,” David points with his foot, “wins.”

“Ok…go!” Leonie is off before David knows what’s happening.

David feels his legs under him and the rush of pushing himself to compete. Luckily Leonie is so tiny her legs can only get her so far. Sara and David catch up to her quickly and hit the far wall at the same time. David turns to run back the other way while calling out, “better keep up,” as a laugh leaves his body. He barely beats Sara to the line with Leonie just slightly behind and feels the triumph of winning.

All three of them are breathing heavy and laughing. 

Sara takes out her phone and starts recording a video that to David just seems like a bit of nonsense. The girls then start goofing around taking pictures of themselves. Making sure to get David in a few of the shots. They ask David to take some video of them as well.

He supposes that this is what having friends is like. Just goofing off together. Not taking anything seriously. He is feeling significantly lighter by the end of it all. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Laura was absolutely ecstatic that David had something to do on a Friday night for pretty much the first time in his life.

“I mean you could take your excitement down a notch. You’re going to give me an even larger complex than I already have.”

“Well I was getting concerned that you were going to become one with this apartment if you didn’t get out and socialize some time in the near future,” Laura was positively beaming. “In all seriousness, I am just so happy that you’ve made some friends David. Friends that invite you places to meet more people. I knew that this new school was going to be the best.”

“Are you starting to cry?” She was. David couldn’t believe he was so pathetic that his sister had started to cry at that fact that he was going out on a Friday night. “Ok, I’m leaving now. I’ll see you in a couple hours,” and with that closed the door on his sister's happily crying face.

David was late. It was completely unlike him to be late, but for a social event he would always rather be late than early because he was not great at talking to people he didn’t know. Years with no friends had really beat down David’s natural social nature. 

As he approached the classroom that the meeting was taking place in, the door opened and for the first time since Monday morning David saw The Boy looking like he was sneaking out of the room closing the door gently behind him. David tried to hurry past him without being noticed because he needed to not become even more fixated on this boy than he already was. 

“Umm…I wouldn’t go in there”

The voice was quiet and soft. David didn’t think he had ever heard anything so beautiful in his life. He stopped short of turning the door handle, turned and managed to actually respond, “Why?”

“They’re doing some kind of trust circle thing.”

“I see.”

“You know, with holding hands?” as the boy reached his arms out emulating holding someone’s hand.

David couldn’t help raking his eyes down the boys body to look at his hands and imagine taking ahold of the hand nearest him.

“Unless you feel like doing something like that.”

David had to come back to himself because all he really wanted to say was yes, yes I would like to do that if it was your hand. But instead he surprised himself with his ability to get out, “Nope”.

“I thought so,” the boy said with a slight smile before he broke the eye contact that David hadn’t realized had been constant since looking his way. The boy inhaled when he turned away and there was a bit of an awkward silence that fell. “Uh,” he started patting down his pockets completely mystifying David who couldn’t stop staring at him. The boy finally appeared to find what he was looking for and pulled out a joint. “Fancy a joint?” he asked David.

David had never smoked pot before and hadn’t ever really cared to but this boy could ask him to do anything and David’s answer would have been the same, “Yes, sure.”

The boy smiled at him, tucked the joint behind his ear, and said, “Come” before turning to walk away. 

David couldn’t believe this was happening. Couldn’t believe that he had spoken to this boy, let alone agreed to smoke with him. David hurried to get to the boys side as he heard, “What’s your name?”

“David. And you are?”

“Matteo.”

Matteo.

Matteo.

David could feel that name etching itself on his heart. 

He was a bundle of nerves as they walked down the hall. The small voice in the back of his head just kept repeating, “Be cool, keep your distance.” He hated that voice.

David was surprised when Matteo took him just around the corner from the rehearsal room where the abi prank meeting was taking place and said, “Here’s good.” How “here” in the middle of a school hallway was a good place to smoke a joint David was not sure but he wasn’t about to say any different. 

David leaned back against the wall trying to look as removed and aloof as possible even though his heart was racing a million miles a minute. He heard the lighter flick followed by a slight inhale and then Matteo blowing air out. David was using everything in him not to look to his left at the boy because he knew once he started looking at him he wouldn’t be able to stop. 

“You’re new right?” there was that voice again. David was going to have a problem if Matteo both looked and sounded as good as he did. 

David dragged his eyes over to Matteo and softly replied, “Yes, why?”

“Just wanted to know,” Matteo said with a shrug.

David was trying his hardest not to show interest in Matteo because that was the last thing he needs, so with a coldness that surprised him he said, “Ok,” and turned away again. 

God why was he like this?

“Well…It’s kinda weird.” David could feel Matteo’s eyes on him. The boy was leaning on the wall facing David so David knew he was seeing every move that he made. 

He turned back to him again wanting this part of the conversation to end, “Not really, why?”

“I mean, this close to abi…” as Matteo took another drag of the joint.

“I had to move,” this usually ended the conversation quickly. David always heard, oh yeah from where? and he could say Fürstenburg, they would be confused and that would be the end of it. 

As Matteo finished his drag he said instead, “I see. Why?”

Why? 

No one asks David why. He doesn’t have an answer for why.

David doesn’t know what made him say it but he hears himself say, “I killed someone and had to go into hiding.”

That was just the type of thing that David thought was funny but would normally get him strange looks. 

Matteo slightly smiles when he passes David the joint and say, “Stress with your parents?”

David takes the joint and before putting it to his lips he responds as cooly as he is sure he has said anything in his life, “Yes. That’s why they’re dead now.”

As he put the joint in his mouth he hears the cutest sound escape Matteo. Kind of a hiss, kind of a giggle. Who was this boy who somehow inherently knew that he moved here because he couldn’t live with his parents anymore, and who laughed at a joke about killing them? If David wasn’t already halfway in love with him just by looking at him, he was well on his way now. 

David takes the slightest inhale of the joint because he has never done this before and the last thing he wants to do is start choking or coughing and embarrass himself. He looks back over at Matteo in time to see him school his features back into a neutral expression. Was he having the same effect on Matteo that Matteo was having on him? David couldn’t quite believe it. 

Looking at Matteo and seeing every detail, David can’t help but see an eyelash just under Matteo’s right eye. And because he apparently has no control over what he is saying or doing he hears himself saying the thought that was just inside his head. “You have an eyelash there.” The voice in the back of his head which tells him to keep his distance is almost silent right now. 

Matteo slowly reaches up and finds the eyelash and pinching it between his fingers looks David right in the eye and says, “Am I allowed to make a wish now?”

If David didn’t know better he would swear that Matteo was flirting with him. And David was definitely not upset about it. He was more sure he was imagining it. 

“No idea.”

“I thought…one is allowed to make a wish now.”

“It was just an eyelash.” David was so used to pushing people away he said things he didn’t want to. He wanted to flirt with Matteo, he wanted to show his interest. But that leads down a path David was not prepared to go down so instead he keeps the aloof nature that has become so natural to him. 

When Matteo hears those words he glances at David for a second and then huffs out, “Ok” and looks sadder than David ever wants to see him. When he makes eye contact again David can see a hopelessness creep into Matteo’s eyes. 

Regretting immediately that he made him sad, David goes against his better judgement and asks, “What would have been your wish though?”

Matteo grows very quiet and almost under his breath, “Don’t know. Go on holiday or something,” before placing the joint back in his mouth.

“Hmmm. I know that feeling.”

“And where do you want to go?”

David is not used to being asked so many questions and is happy that he hadn’t ruined this conversation by making Matteo feel foolish. So with the voice in his head completely silenced he turns his full attention to Matteo and decides flirting isn’t the worst thing in the world, “You have to know. It was your eyelash.”

Matteo smiles the most adorable crooked smile at David, shrugs and says, “I don’t know. I’d say just get into a car and drive away.”

“Yes. And directly to Detroit.”

“Detroit?”

“Yeah, best music city ever.” David feels the widest smile he has given in a long time spread over his face. He doesn’t know what it is about this boy but he just told him something that he has never told anyone. And he is somehow not embarrassed by that fact. 

Matteo is looking at him with such fondness David feels like he might burst. He hasn’t felt this light and free in a very long time. But nothing good can last.

The next thing David knows Sara is rounding the corner smiling. “Hey, na? Don’t feel like abi prank?” and then she does the unthinkable, she leans down and kisses Matteo.

I guess the answer to who the “he” that Sara and Leonie were talking about the other day has finally been answered. The disappointment that David feels is overwhelming. 

As Sara greets David with a quick "Hey" Matteo turns his body away from him and David feels a coldness rush over him.

David can feel a tight smile come to his face, “Hi.”

“May I?” Sara gestures towards the joint that David has in his hand. David passes it over as she says, “Nice, thanks.”

David needs to get out of here as quickly as possible. The last thing he wants is to hang out with Sara and Matteo now that he knows that what he thought was Matteo flirting with him was definitely NOT flirting. 

“I have to go. See you.” David manages to say and sees Matteo’s eyes dart up to his as he walks away. 

He tries with everything he has not to cry as he walks out of the school. He is a fool. How could he ever think that Matteo would like him? How could anyone like him? People like David don’t get the love stories.


	2. Taking Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David met the boy that caught his eye and obsessed his thoughts. The problem is that he met his girlfriend as well. He is trying his hardest the avoid any further interactions with Matteo to try to kill his crush. That seems to be easier said than done though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read chapter 1 and left kudos and comments. This is the first fic I have ever written and it is wild to me that people actually read it and enjoyed it. I hope you like chapter 2.

The entire bus ride home he played the conversation with Matteo over and over again in his head. He could have sworn that Matteo had been flirting with him and he had let himself start to flirt back. It had been exhilarating. But now he just felt stupid. The voice in his head was back again, “I told you to keep your distance,” it sneered.

When David gets home he tries to be as quiet as possible coming in. Laura had been so excited that he was going out that he doesn’t want to let her down that he was home so soon. Doesn’t want to talk about why. Luckily the door to his bedroom was right beside the front door so he can duck right inside without being seen.

He sits down at his desk and starts to draw on the first blank piece of paper he can find. His therapist had helped him to realize that his art could be a good outlet for his emotions. Instead of keeping everything inside, and because he didn’t have any friends he could talk to, it was the best way for him to get his emotions out and work through them. 

He started scribbling out the form of a bird flying up and away but its wing was broken. Freedom was so close but it was held back. When David was done he looked down at the bluebird he had created and started to cry. He could never quite draw things as whole, everything was always broken. 

There was a soft knock at his door. “David? Are you in there?”

David wished he could become invisible even to his sister. 

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“I didn’t hear you come in. Is everything all right?” Laura’s voice was muffled through the door. The absolute best thing about Laura was that she would never push too hard, she wouldn’t ever just come into his room and force her way into his space. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m just a little tired. Goodnight.”

“Ok. Well, goodnight.” David didn’t hear any noise and was pretty sure Laura was still hovering outside his door. It killed him that he caused her so much worry. He didn’t know what she was waiting for but he would have given anything to have her just walk away. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

David was discovering that there was a theme to his weekends and that theme was depression. He didn’t know what it was about Fridays but they seemed cursed. Everything would appear to be going fine and then maybe it was the prospect that there wouldn’t be anything to distract him for two days, no responsibilities, but inevitably Friday night he would get into his head and it would set him down a dark path for the rest of the weekend. He never wanted to get out of bed on Saturday mornings. What was there to look forward to other than his own stupid thoughts. 

This Saturday morning was maybe one of his worst because the thoughts that had driven him down on Friday night had been full of self-loathing thinking someone like Matteo could see anything in him. How he had embarrassed himself. How he was such a fool. 

Laura was giving him space again. She was busy with the end of term approaching quickly and had some large project that she was working on for one of her classes. David could have kissed the teacher who had assigned it because it meant he didn’t need to see the pitying glances or feel the weight of letting her down on top of his own self-flagellating.

On Sunday he finally pulled himself out of bed because it was getting closer to his tests and he really needed to make sure he passed because the very last thing he needed was to have to re-do his abi next year. He pulled out his books and set himself up to study. As the hours wore on he started to feel better. He needed to start doing this more, distracting himself from his miserable thoughts of his miserable life. He thought that maybe he should make himself a task countdown list so that he wouldn’t have an endless expanse of hours with nothing to do but wallow.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

On Monday morning David has re-asserted himself to pushing through school. He was going to pretend that the disastrous time with Matteo had never happened. He could be friends with Sara and just block out the fact that he has the world’s biggest crush on her boyfriend.

And it's a good thing he made that decision because who does he see on his way to his locker but Sara dressed as some sort of hippie. 

“Hey. Na?” Sara smiles at David’s approach.

“Hey. What’s with the outfit?”

“Theme week! Just totally fun. How was your weekend?”

“Kind of shitty. Abi’s going to kill me.”

“Oh god tell me about it.”

Being friends with Sara was easy. The intense jealousy he felt for her on Friday was vanishing because who could dislike her really. And it was understandable that Matteo saw something in her.

“Hey, I’ve got to run but I’ll see you in PE, ok?”

“Yeah absolutely. And I think the outfit looks great.”

“Thanks,” Sara’s smile is brilliant and David is glad he can feel a genuine connection with her. The last thing he needs is to lose this new friend because his own stupid jealousy over a boy who would never be interested in him anyway.

David makes his way over to his locker trying to focus on keeping that good feeling inside him. As he is finishing putting his books into his bag he can feel someone’s eyes on him. He looks over and sees Matteo looking over at him. He had been wondering who owned the locker that never seemed to be locked and most of the time was just sitting completely open. That question has now been answered. 

Of course Matteo’s locker was just down from his. David had never had good luck. Good thing this was one of the last weeks of school. He didn’t need to constantly be running into Matteo if he had any hope of killing his crush.

David looks away and consciously decides to just walk past Matteo without making eye contact or saying anything. Probably best to just ignore him completely.

As he goes to walk past, Matteo turns around looking right at him. He is caught. He can’t very well sneak by now. He has been seen. He doesn’t have a choice now, he needs to say something.

“Hi,” it is literally all David can think to say and he feels a tight smile on his lips. Maybe if he is standoffish Matteo will just let him move on.

“Hi…eh, well, everything’s good?”

“Of course.”

Matteo lets out a shaky breath like he has been holding it in. “Cool.”

David doesn’t know what to say to that. They stand and stare at each other for what feels like an eternity. 

Oh god this is so awkward, David thinks. Why is this so awkward? It’s because I’m a wreck. But why isn’t Matteo saying anything? God he looks so cute… Crap don’t think that.

“Hi,” Leonie comes up next to Matteo looking like a pretty flower child straight from the sixties. David both loves and hates that she has appeared. If that awkward silence with Matteo had gone any longer David feels like he would have exploded but he also didn’t want to stop staring at Matteo or for Matteo to stop staring at him. 

David looks at Matteo and notices he looks slightly pissed, which is strange. He feels like his feelings for Matteo are too obvious to be seen with him by other people. And the way that Leonie is smiling up at him at the same time... He has to get out of here.

David realizes he needs to say something as both Matteo and Leonie are staring at him. He looks at Leonie, “Hi,” then he quickly shifts his focus over to Matteo, “Ok, bye,” and turns to get away as soon as possible.

If it wouldn’t have been too weird, David would have literally run away from how awkward that whole interaction was. As it is he hurries to get away, glancing back once seeing both Leonie and Matteo leaning toward the direction he went and looking after him. 

So much for how he thought his day would go. Now Matteo would be running through his head all day. He was sure he would be dissecting how painfully awkward he had been well into the night. So far he had spoken to Matteo twice and both times he had made a complete fool of himself. He really needs to never speak to him again or risk becoming the world’s biggest embarrassment.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

When David gets home from school and sits down to study he realizes that his prediction from earlier in the day had been right. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Matteo all day and in the quiet of his room it was getting worse. The earlier awkward conversation was running on loop in his head. The heavy exhale before Matteo muttered “cool” was especially strong. It was like Matteo was right next to him, he could hear it that vividly. 

After attempting to study for an hour or so he got up, pulled on a hoodie and his jacket, grabbed his headphones, sketchbook, flashlight, and phone and headed out the door. He knew that the best thing to do when he was feeling restless and distracted was to go out exploring. 

Since moving in with Laura a month ago he hadn’t really explored this part of town much. He set off walking with no real aim in mind. His fingers were twitching with the need to draw but his mind was racing too badly. Before he knew it, he was many blocks away from his apartment and standing in the middle of an empty park. It was quiet and there was a light wind rustling in the trees. The serenity of the place brought a wave of calm to David. He pulled out his phone and started taking pictures of the scene around him, feeling like if only he could capture this place he would be able to bring back this feeling at will. 

David sat down on a bench and with the light starting to fade pulled out his sketchbook and flashlight and started to draw. He wasn’t really paying attention to what he was drawing, he was just trying to keep the feeling of calmness with him. After a while, his fingers started aching and he realized that he was very cold. He had no idea how long he had been sitting there but it was fully dark now and Laura would probably be worrying about him. 

On the walk back home the thoughts of Matteo starting coming back to him. This time though different aspects of the conversation - or lack thereof - started coming in. The fact that Matteo had seemed nervous but somehow excited to see him. That there had been the sweetest, small smile on Matteo’s face before Leonie had come over. 

When David got back home and placed his sketchbook on his desk, it flopped open to the page he had been drawing on in the park and David laughed to himself because Matteo’s face was staring up at him from the page. Without even realizing what he was doing, he had drawn the face of the boy who wouldn’t leave his mind.

David rolled his eyes at himself. He was screwed.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

On Tuesday David was on high alert to try and avoid running into Matteo. He stopped at his locker first thing and grabbed everything he would need for the day to ensure he wouldn’t have to return and chance having another extremely awkward interaction with the boy he couldn’t stop thinking about. 

He was pretty sure he saw him a few times in the halls and made sure not to be seen. Between classes and at lunch he hunkered down in the quietest parts of the school he could find, put on his headphones, and did some art to make the time pass by. David had learned long ago that it was always safer to be alone and had managed to convince himself that it was his preferred state of being. 

Whenever the feeling of loneliness crept in he was reminded of the pact he had made with himself when he started at this school. Just keep his head down and get through it. He didn’t need to get close to anyone and the weeklong obsession with Matteo was the exact opposite of what he promised himself, so being alone was better. 

It didn’t mean anything that he kept flipping to the page in his sketchbook with Matteo’s face to stare at it. Being alone was fine.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wednesday was not going well for David.

The problem with school was that you had to be registered under your legal name, and although the head teacher here had been amazing about making sure David was comfortable and that he would only ever be referred to as David, the school still had on file his birth name and that he was biologically female. 

It was a worry for David from day one that one of his teachers would use the wrong name or the wrong pronouns, but so far that hadn’t happened. Even his overbearing PE teacher Mr. Neuhaus had never referred to him as anything but David and never used she or her when speaking about him but after PE on Wednesday morning he asked David to come meet him in his office once he was changed to discuss some things for his abi.

David wasn’t sure what the teacher wanted so he entered his office with the familiar wariness hanging around him.

“David, please have a seat,” Mr. Neuhaus at least had a smile on his face.

David sat and tried to force his demeanor into one of calm.

“Now David I wanted to speak with you about the grading for your abi,” Mr. Neuhaus had an air of discomfort now that they were getting down to it. “I want you to be able to do the best you can, so I wanted to discuss grading you as a girl.”

David couldn’t believe what he just heard.

“But I’m not a girl.”

“Yes, yes, I know, I know. But it would really be in your benefit to be graded on the girl’s scale instead of the boy’s.”

David was feeling the familiar anger and shame sweeping through him. He got to his feet and with the most firmness he could manage said, “I’m not a girl,” and turned and walked out of the office.

“Hey wait.”

“I’m not a girl,” David said more forcefully. He was blind with the anger he was feeling.

“Yes you are! From a physical point of view, right? Or not?”

“I don’t want to be graded differently!” and with that David turned and stormed away. 

He hated that he had to deal with any of this. He was a boy and couldn’t stand that he had to rationalize his existence to people all the time. It hadn’t happened since he had moved in with Laura and he had been lulled into a sense of security that he wouldn’t have to do it again in the near future. Fuck Neuhaus.

Normally he would have just brought his gym bag with him to his next class but he couldn’t even stand to have it near him after that conversation. He rushed over to his locker and proceeded to try to force the much too big bag into his locker. As he was shoving and straining to get the bag into the small locker he started to feel his anger dissipate. It was just Mr. Neuhaus and no one else. No one else here had said or done anything to him to make him feel that way. He didn’t need to hold that anger in him.

As he was finally able to get the bag in he heard Leonie’s bright voice at his side, “Na? Having a problem with your locker?”

Relief swept over David at hearing her voice and seeing her face, “Eh…no. Hi.” He felt such genuine joy at her being there that he reached down and hugged her. Needing comfort after that terrible experience that he didn’t care that he normally didn’t like hugging people.

“Are you heading to German class now?”

“Yeah, of course.”

The smile on Leonie’s face was blinding and David loved her for it. They walked to class and David felt the last lingering bits of anger leave him.

“Hey, do you have an insta?” 

“Umm, no, I don’t. Why?” David had had an Instagram account before but the bullies at his old school had used it as a direct line to torment him so he had deleted the account.

“Oh, just everyone has one and I looked to see if you did and didn’t find anything so I was wondering.”

“I wouldn’t even know what to post. I’m not that interesting,” David said with a sly smile on his face.

“Well you do art, right? You could post your art. Get it out of your notebook and out into the world for everyone to appreciate,” Leonie took a beat and said, “And I think you’re very interesting.” 

David really did like Leonie. He had never had a friend who made him feel so good about himself.

“Well then maybe I’ll make an account,” and David was serious. He could even see the first thing he would post in his mind.

When he got home he downloaded the app and created a new account. He took a picture of the piece he had added to his sketchbook last night. It was a picture of one of the trees he had seen in the park the other night that he had pasted his broken bird to. He thought it was a good representation of him for the world. Slightly broken but still yearning for freedom and serenity. 

He found and added Leonie and Sara’s accounts and felt like it was official that he had friends now. He went to sleep feeling like he conquered the bad feelings from earlier in the day.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

When David got to school on Thursday he was less than impressed to see what today’s “theme” was. It was 2019 after all. How was cross-dressing viewed in any way as appropriate as a fun theme?

He knew that he couldn’t make a big deal out of it though because that would just open it up for being questioned why he had a problem with it. And he didn’t feel like he needed to explain himself for the second time this week. He pulled up his calendar on his phone and started counting down the days until the year would be done. It had a calming effect on him.

He decided that he didn’t need to talk to anyone today. He wouldn’t be able to take talking to Sara or Leonie while they were dressed like men, fake mustaches and all. It felt like a mockery to him.

He had gotten through the whole day keeping his annoyance at bay and was finally on his way downstairs to leave the school when he glanced over and saw Matteo staring right at him. He was surrounded by guys all dressed as varying levels of hideous women, but David was happy to see Matteo was dressed just as he always was. Baggy clothes that seemed to hang off him in the best possible way. 

Matteo had a dreamy expression on his face and David wasn’t even fully sure he was seeing David or whether his eyes just happened to be staring in his direction. David hurried down the stairs regardless because he had managed to make it through every day since Monday this week without having another disastrous interaction with Matteo and he didn’t want to tempt fate.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

On Friday he was in his math class waiting for it to start when he heard the names Sara and Matteo being discussed by two girls sitting behind him. 

“Oh that was so awkward yesterday,” the red head said. “Sara was being so obvious and Matteo looked so uncomfortable.”

“Well Kiki somehow wasn’t getting the hint,” the black girl laughed. “But like I still don’t totally get the Matteo and Sara thing. Like she seems way more into it than he does.”

“Yeah, but Matteo is also the most private person I’ve ever known. Like I’ve known him for years and have been really close to him and he constantly surprises me. So maybe he is really into Sara and just doesn’t show it around other people…but yeah, I was super surprised that they got together. I didn’t think she was his type.”

“You said that I wasn’t his type either. So you obviously have an idea of what his type is. What do you think?”

“Ok everyone, let’s get settled and started,” and with that the teacher started speaking and David could have killed her. He would have liked nothing more than to learn exactly what Matteo’s type was and more details into how much he seemed to not be into Sara. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

David’s mind was completely preoccupied with the girls’ conversation for the rest of the day. He was trying to come up with scenarios that he could somehow befriend them to be able to get more details. He was digging himself into a very deep pit of desperation. Hearing that Matteo’s friends didn’t think he and Sara made sense together gave David a flicker of hope that maybe what had happened a week ago hadn’t just been in his head. Maybe Matteo had been flirting. Maybe David did have a chance. 

He was thinking all of this through while standing on the bus home later than he normally would be heading home because he had decided to do some exploring around after school finished. Just as he was thinking about how it felt when Matteo was looking at him yesterday he looked up and saw the very boy walking toward him. 

David felt a sharp jolt of panic. He wasn’t prepared to talk to Matteo, especially after literally obsessing over him for the last week. 

“Hey,” Matteo slides in beside him to lean against the window.

“Hey,” David was determined not to say anything stupid this time or be awkward and weird. 

“How are you?”

“Fine,” David couldn’t believe how a boy with such messy hair who was currently wearing what could only be categorized as an oversized grandpa sweater could be so attractive.

Matteo had a slight smile on his lips and quickly looked away from David’s eye contact and David realized that he has failed yet again by making it awkward and weird because a normal, well-adjusted person would answer How are you? with Fine, how are you? at the very least so that the other person didn’t feel like a complete idiot for initiating contact. But David had just said Fine and left it hanging there. 

If David thought their interaction on Monday had been awkward he now realized that that was just a practice run for the absolute overwhelming awkwardness of this situation. He looked over at Matteo and Matteo looked up at him and just stared at him continuously for what felt like hours. David’s mind was completely blank and Matteo was looking like he wasn't going to say anything so the heaviest silence that David had ever felt hung between them. David felt himself smile at Matteo and that seemed to do the trick because Matteo finally broke the stare and looked out the window. 

If David had one wish for anything in that moment it would have been to render himself invisible so he could freak out about this third disastrous interaction without anyone seeing him freaking out.

He felt the bus jolt to a stop and looked over to see a fare inspector board the bus. “Ticket please.”

Almost inaudibly David hears, “Fuck,” and looks over at Matteo.

“No ticket?”

Matteo slightly shakes his head with a look of worry and slight panic on his face.

The inspector was getting closer and David couldn’t help himself. He wasn’t about to let Matteo get in trouble. He picked up his rucksack and took a step forward determined to distract the inspector from Matteo.

“Sorry,” he didn’t completely know what he was planning on saying but pulled out his ticket for the inspector to check.

“Yes?”

“Eh…I need to go to the Alex but I don’t know where to get off,” sometimes David loved how quickly his mind worked.

“Alex is literally in the opposite direction. You’re in the wrong bus,” David could sense that this guy was not going to be that easily dissuaded. 

“What…do…what do you mean the opposite direction?”

“That’s in the opposite direction. You’re driving farther away from the Alex,” the guy now seemed like he was getting genuinely annoyed with David, “You need to get off at the next station and then you go to the opposite direction.”

Crap, what could David say to that.

“Ah…uhhh…damn…And what should I do on the other bus? Should I just enter or…?” the guy looked at David like he may be speaking to the stupidest person he had ever spoken to and David wasn’t surprised because he was literally saying the first things that were coming to his mind and none of it made any sense.

“Enter the bus and then drive till the final stop Alexanderplatz. Get off, then you’re at the Alex.”

The guy was trying to look around David at Matteo and David was doing everything he could to block him from the guy’s view, “Is it possible with my ticket? Is it…?”

“It’s a monthly ticket, so yes.”

Crap David hadn’t really thought that through, “So…so, yeah. A monthly ticket?”

“This is a monthly ticket for March, so yes.”

“It’s March, ok,” David was at a complete loss. He didn’t know what else he could say.

“First, your ticket please,” and David realized that the guy was now speaking to Matteo. “Your ticket please.” David could see movement out of the corner of his eye but was still trying to block Matteo from view.

In an act that could only be described as complete desperation David heard himself ask the stupidest question that has maybe ever been uttered in all of human existence, “And in the other bus it’s also the same month?”

David wished he could have taken a picture of the inspectors face in that moment because it was the perfect representation of bewilderment that has ever appeared on earth. 

“It’s March in this bus,” really what more could the man say than that, “So, can you please show me your ticket?”

For everything that is wonderful in the world the bus finally arrived at the stop and the doors opened. David turned to Matteo and said, “What else do you want?” before running laughing from the bus hoping that Matteo was on his heels. 

Matteo caught up to him in an instant laughing as well. David had literally never felt better in his life. The adrenaline coursing through his veins from that was exhilarating. 

They stopped running when they turned the corner and David felt Matteo’s hand on his shoulder.

“Ah, thanks.” 

“No problem, no problem,” David couldn’t stop smiling.

“It would have been the third time.”

“Really?”

“Yeah”

“No problem at all,” if only Matteo could know how little of a problem it was for David to do anything for him. Embarrassing himself in front of a bus full of people apparently was nothing if it was in service of helping Matteo out. 

“Wanna smoke?”

David looked over at Matteo and felt his heart swell, “Yeah.”

“Let’s head to my place. I live down there,” as Matteo points a little ways down the road.

“Why do you take the bus for two stops, when you live down there?”

“Huh? Because I’m lazy.”

David can’t help but laugh and Matteo laughs with him. “Damn,” this boy will be the death of him. 

“You’re a genius, dude.”

“Haha, thanks.”

“Where did you come up with that?”

“I have no idea. I just kept talking hoping that the guy would be too distracted to remember what he was doing.”

As they continued down the street David felt any sense of awkwardness he had previously had with Matteo this week just melt away. 

“Umm don’t mind my roommates if they’re home, they can be a little over the top.”

“Roommates?”

“Yeah I live in a shared apartment with three other people. It’s kind of great,” Matteo’s smile was so adorable David was glad every time he saw it. 

As they walked up to the door of the apartment David started to feel a little nervous. He was about to spend one on one time with Matteo in his apartment and David wasn’t sure how this was going to go. 

They walked in the door and Matteo called out, “Hello?” to a resounding silence. “Nice.”

Now David was even more nervous. At least if someone else was at home there would be a buffer between it just being David and Matteo alone in a room. He liked Matteo so much, but knew that nothing could happen with him. He was not prepared to tell anyone, especially Matteo, that he was trans so this was going to be a delicate balance of trying to get to know Matteo more and keeping him at arm’s length. 

David didn’t even consider the alternative of not getting to know Matteo at all, especially now that he was following Matteo into his kitchen.

“Welcome,” Matteo turns with his arms outstretched and a smile on his lips in an adorable kind of self deprecating way. He backs into a stool to sit down and almost misses it and stumbles slightly and David gets the feeling that Matteo might be feeling the same nervousness as well.

To try to distract from that David looks around and quickly sees an Xbox controller sitting on the table and yet again, as is becoming habit when he is around Matteo, speaks without actually thinking about what he is saying, “You have an Xbox?”

“Huh?” Matteo looks behind him to where David is looking and clearly sees what prompted the question, “No. Not really.”

“So you just have the controller for the Xbox…” as David decides he should also take a seat at the hightop kitchen table.

“Umm, no we have a Nintendo emulator on the computer.”

“What?” David is genuinely impressed by that.

“It’s like a free switch.”

“Yeah I know. It’s really hard to set those up,” Matteo looks up at the compliment with his crooked smile that David loves, “Dude, you’re totally lit.”

Matteo laughs and looks away a little shyly. He starts pulling out rolling papers and his weed.

“So are you into computers and stuff?”

“Yeah I guess so. It’s pretty interesting, and I don’t find it that hard to do any of that stuff,” David is surprised by the confidence that Matteo is speaking with while his hands are busy rolling a joint, “What kind of stuff are you into? You know other than dreaming of getting away to Detroit?” 

David is kind of taken aback. He had almost forgotten that he told Matteo about Detroit. But now he doesn’t feel embarrassed by it, although Matteo is clearly teasing him. 

“I really like art and film and stuff.”

“Oh yeah? Are you an artist?”

“Uh, yeah, kind of,” David feels a blush warm his cheeks. 

“Do you have anything I can see?”

“Well I have my sketchbook…” David doesn’t show anyone his sketchbook. Why did he mention it? It’s so personal. He can’t show it to Matteo, but he mentioned it as an answer to Matteo’s question so it would be rude to now say, but you can’t see it. “Ummm, I’ll grab it if you want to see…”

Matteo’s eyes light up and the crooked smile returns to his face, “Of course.”

David goes to his bag and pulls out his sketchbook, eternally grateful that he had created an elaborate pasted section around the drawing of Matteo to stop himself from staring at it constantly so there was little chance that Matteo would be able to see it.

He brought the book back over to the table and set it down in front of Matteo. He felt himself hold his breath as Matteo flipped it open. 

Matteo started turning the pages kind of quickly almost seeming to be looking for something.

David hears a quiet, “Oh…nice” coming from the other boy. And his nerves are shot. He can’t believe he is actually sitting here letting the boy he has the biggest crush on just look through his most private thing.

Matteo stops turning the page when he gets to the broken bird that is the star of his first Instagram post. “This bird looks really nice,” David can’t make himself look at Matteo but feels him look at him after he says it.

“Well…I don’t know,” David is feeling incredibly vulnerable about this whole situation but also Matteo is making him feel like it is ok.

“No. Yes. You have talent,” and David can’t help but look at Matteo now. David can’t actually believe how sweet Matteo is, “That combination with the tree. I like that when you stick something self made on photos.”

David can’t help himself, “It’s called collage.”

The slight teasing makes Matteo look David right in the eye and laugh. 

David is feeling more at ease but as Matteo continues turning through the book he can see that he is getting to the folded and pasted section. When he turns the page and realizes that he can’t see what is underneath he asks, “Why can’t I look through them and why are they,” as he tries to pull the sheets apart.

David quickly puts his hand on the paper to stop anymore pulling, “Those are private ones. Actually they are all private,” as David goes to close the book.

Matteo lifts the book away from his hand and pushes his arm out of the way, “Actually you already showed them to me, so it doesn’t matter,” and sets the book back down to continue looking through it. 

Normally that response would have made David mad, but something about Matteo made David sure he could trust him. As Matteo continued to flip through the book he made comments about the ones he liked and with every comment David felt like what he was actually saying instead was I like you.

There was no question in David’s mind by the time Matteo got to the end of the book that he was completely in love with the boy. He had never felt so safe and so understood as he had the past few minutes. He knew that Matteo understood that what he was looking at was something no one else got to see and with every appreciative sound and smile he was telling David that he saw him and liked him all the more for it. 

Once Matteo was done looking through it he leaned back and put the joint in his mouth and lit it, “I wish I could be as talented as you.” 

“I’m not that talented. There are many more talented people around than me,” David wasn’t great at being given compliments.

“Well out of the people in this room right now you are by far the most talented,” Matteo had a slight grin on his face while he inhaled deeply on the joint and then passed it over to David.

David was pretty sure Matteo was messing with him now, “If you are expecting me to say something like, oh I’m sure you are really talented at a lot of things too, as a way to get a compliment out of me you are going to be waiting for a long time.”

Matteo started laughing at that. 

The conversation had brought a memory to David’s mind that he hadn’t thought about in years. As David took a small drag he felt words start bubbling up in him.

He started talking about a kid in one of his elementary school classes who was proud of being the teacher’s pet even though it was clear that the teacher actually couldn’t stand the kid and that one time the kid had started complimenting other kids on their work really loudly and obnoxiously and his teacher had finally had enough and ended up yelling, “If you’re waiting for someone to pay you a compliment back you’re going to be waiting a very long time.”

Matteo had been laughing and shaking his head at the story and David realized it was probably the most he had spoken to anyone but Laura in his life. The words had just flowed out of him. 

This was easy. He felt like he could talk to Matteo forever. If you had told David earlier in the day that Matteo was the easiest person to talk to in the world he would have thought you were lying. 

The two of them just kept trading ridiculous stories back and forth with each other. Through the stories David realized that the two girls he had heard talking in his math class must be Hanna and Sam. And Matteo’s best friend was Jonas who he knew of from his math class also, he was the star of many of the stories that Matteo told. There was also Carlos and Abdi that Matteo spoke of with such fondness while also regaling him with stories of their complete dumbassery that David was surprised that Matteo was friends with people that seemingly dumb.

David felt like he knew Matteo completely. He understood him. He knew that Matteo took his friendships incredibly seriously. With no mention of his family, David understood that Matteo’s friends were his family. He also understood that Matteo was sensitive and deeply caring and scared. 

As they continued talking the stories got less silly and more sombre and serious.

“It annoys me that everyone always asks what you’re gonna do after school,” Matteo was fiddling with something laying on the table, “How am I supposed to know that already?”

“I want to make films.”

“Really? Nice,” David had discovered that when Matteo said “nice” he literally meant that he thought it was nice. He wasn’t just saying it like other people did, “Do you have a favorite movie?”

“Hmm that’s a difficult question,” David loved this. Loved having conversations like this, “I think at the moment it’s Only Lovers Left Alive.”

Matteo kept his head down and just looked up at David with his eyes, “Never heard of it.”

“It’s by Jim Jarmusch, you should watch it,” David was a little worried he made Matteo feel dumb. He knew that Matteo was embarrassed he didn’t know what he was talking about. 

A silence fell between them, but unlike previously this one didn’t feel heavy. It felt a little more comfortable. But with the silence David’s mind starting racing. He realized that it was getting pretty late and he hadn’t eaten anything since lunch and the pot was not helping that fact that now he was starving.

“Do you have something to eat? I’m really hungry.”

“Um, I hope I have some bread left,” Matteo got up from the table and opened the breadbox and thankfully pulled out a package of bread. Looking over at David he waved it back and forth a couple of times in a small gesture that could only be interpreted as understated celebration and David got up to join him at the counter.

Matteo opened what David could see was a far from stocked fridge. He started pulling items from the shelves and with each one there was a challenge behind his eyes daring David to say no.

“I have cheese.”

“Yeah.”

“Pickled cucumber.”

“Yeah.”

“Ketchup.”

“Yeah.”

“Mustard.”

“Yeah. Of course,” David was feeling giddy with this game they were playing.

Without a word Matteo pulled one more item out of the fridge and with a look of complete challenge showed David the label on the whipped cream container. 

David was never one to back down from a challenge so he gestured in a way that he was sure Matteo understood to mean, but of course. And Matteo broke into a wide grin and closed the fridge.

They laid out four slices of bread and Matteo started unwrapping and placing the cheese, “That’s a solid base.” 

David was out to prove that he was game and grabbed the whipping cream and started liberally spraying the sandwiches with it. 

Not to be one upped, Matteo reaches into one of the cupboards and pulls out a small glass container of candy sprinkles. Shakes it with that same challenging look on his face which makes David laugh. He then starts sprinkling them on top of the whipped cream.

They then followed that up with the pickled cucumbers, mustard, and ketchup. David was positive that these were not going to be edible but he couldn’t let his hunger get in the way of competing in a challenge. 

They placed the sandwiches on the sandwich grill and Matteo offered up some chips while they waited. David loved how goofy Matteo was being, it made him feel free himself. 

They removed the sandwiches from the grill and standing a couple feet apart looking at each other, both nervously held the sandwiches in their hands. It seemed as though neither of them was brave enough to take the first bite. Without saying a word though they both raised the food to their mouths and took a big bite.

David can honestly say that he had never experienced such a distinctive mixture of flavors in his life. And he would also say that those flavors should never be combined ever again. He wasn’t about to tell Matteo that though. He understood that part of the challenge was in not admitting how terrible this was.

As he forced himself to chew the food in his mouth he saw the look of absolute disgust on Matteo’s face. He forced himself to say, “Weird. But somehow good.”

Matteo wouldn’t look at him as he made an assenting grunt. David felt a laugh start building at how ridiculous they were. He made eye contact with Matteo and both of them started laughing.

Now the problem was that David was actually very hungry and really needed to eat more of this disgusting sandwich to even hope to sate his hunger. He started looking at the sandwich trying to figure out how best he could take a bite without getting too much of the whipped cream as that was the major issue with the whole thing flavor-wise. As he was inspecting where to take his next bite he heard Matteo’s phone buzz.

Matteo pulled out his phone and it was like David could feel the mood shift in the room. Matteo was texting someone back and seemed annoyed. 

David tried to think of something that could bring Matteo back. The first thing that came to him was what he knew interested Matteo the most, “What percentage do you have in Zelda?’

“Hmmm?” Matteo was clearly distracted.

“What percentage do you have in Zelda?” the awkwardness was starting to creep back in.

“Umm,” David could tell Matteo was trying to shake off whatever the text had been about, “I think 31 or so. Do you want to see it?”

Matteo gestured to somewhere else in the apartment.

“Of course,” David suddenly felt nervous again. 

“Cool. Eh, I need to go take a piss, but then…”

“Ok,” now David was panicking. What would he do if Matteo was going to bring him into his bedroom? 

As Matteo walked out of the kitchen David felt his pulse starting to race. He had never actually been alone with someone he liked and now that Matteo was out of the room all of his fears came rushing back. 

How had he let this happen? He knew that he couldn’t get close to Matteo. He liked him too much. At this point David admitted to himself that he was as in love with Matteo as he had ever been with anyone. And that was a problem. 

That was a problem for many reasons. First of which was that Matteo had a girlfriend, how much he liked that girlfriend was yet to be established but he had a girlfriend nonetheless. Which, secondly, meant that Matteo seemed to like girls, and as David had emphatically pointed out earlier in the week to Mr. Neuhaus, he was not a girl. Third, David had promised himself that he wouldn’t let anyone get too close because no one at school could know he was trans and if he got close to Matteo the way he wanted to get close to Matteo he would inevitably have to tell Matteo that he is trans. And that was not going to happen. 

So with all those thoughts swirling in David’s head the only logical conclusion that David could come up with was that he had to get out of there.

He grabbed his sketchbook and shoved it into his bag, grabbed his jacket and rushed out the door. It wasn’t until he was outside and felt the bite of wind on his ears that he realized that he had left his beanie behind. There was nothing he could do about it now. It wasn’t like he was going to ring the buzzer and ask for it back after he just ran out without saying anything. 

David started walking back towards the bus stop that earlier today he had ran from with Matteo feeling such glee and freedom. He hated himself for just leaving like that. He didn’t want to think about what Matteo would think after finding him just gone. 

He got on the bus and sat down and thought again that Fridays must be cursed. He had gone from having the greatest time he had ever had in his life to sabotaging it because he is too scared to let anyone get close. Time for the weekend depression spiral to begin again.


	3. How to Ruin Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David is so confused. He likes Matteo more than he should and is now pretty sure he has ruined everything. But maybe an end of school party can change it all.

The entire bus ride home David’s mind was a flurry of conflicting thoughts. He knew that the past couple of hours had been the pinnacle of his life so far and that his feelings for Matteo had gone beyond just a crush. But at the same time, the abject fear that anyone would find out about him, and the almost obsessive need to keep everyone away, ran completely counter to anything pleasant that might come to mind. 

By the time he reached the door to his apartment he was a wreck. One minute cursing himself for leaving and the next chastising himself for going in the first place.

“David?” Laura’s voice comes like a shot as soon as he opens the door, “Where were you? I texted you and called you and you didn’t answer.”

David pulls his phone out of his coat pocket and sees that it’s dead, just now realizing that he hadn’t even thought to text Laura that he would be late coming home. Laura was standing in the hallway between the living room and kitchen with a look of worry creasing her brow that hit something core in David’s heart and he feels the guilt start to consume him.

“Sorry, my phone died,” David says as he turns to close the door behind him hoping she won’t notice the misery that he was sure was etched in his features.

“Ok, but where were you?” Laura clearly wasn’t going to let this go, “School ended like six hours ago. I was worried something terrible had happened to you.”

David drops his bag on the ground and takes off his coat deciding what he is going to say, “umm…I wandered around a bit after school…and then I went and hung out with a friend.” David felt his voice getting quieter and quieter with every word until it was little more than a whisper.

“A friend?” Laura seemed to perk up at that, “which friend?”

“I do have friends Laura. I’m not a complete loser.”

“I didn’t say that you were. Just, you haven’t hung out with any friends since you moved in here. And after you came home early last Friday…” David could see the moment that Laura realized that what she was saying was not in any way helpful to the conversation they were having and let the thought die on her lips.

“What? You thought that I must’ve ruined it with anyone who had attempted to be my friend?” David knew that Laura hadn’t said or done anything wrong and didn’t deserve how combative he was being but he was so angry at himself and frustrated with everything in his life he just couldn’t help it.

“Woah, no, not at all. I just want to know that you’re doing ok and I’m really happy to hear that you’re making friends. I was only wondering who it was…you know hoping that you might want to let me know what’s going on with you,” the look that Laura was giving him was such a unique mixture of hurt, worry, and love he felt overwhelmed with it. 

“Well, it was a just friend from school. We ran into each other on the bus and he invited me over to hang out with him. That’s it, ok? And I’m really sorry that I didn’t text you where I was, I didn’t realize how late it had gotten,” David was feeling himself getting worked up and started to feel tears burning the back of his eyes. “But I haven’t eaten anything so I’m going to grab something if you don’t mind,” and he squeezed by her into the kitchen.

He could feel Laura’s eyes on his back as he opened the fridge. He was trying to take deep breaths to stave off the tears that were threatening to spill. He hated fighting with Laura, hated making her feel bad, “I’m sorry. I think I’m just hungry and tired.”

He feels Laura’s hands wrap around his shoulders and give a tight squeeze that he knows means that she understands, “Well if I had known that you were hangry I would have steered clear.” She huffs out a little laugh as she releases him, “I was just about to start a movie. If you want to grab something to eat and join me, I would love the company.”

At that David does feel a tear start rolling down his cheek. Laura was too good to him. He takes a breath and manages to get out, “Ok, but I get to choose the movie."

“In your dreams little brother. We’re watching Pretty Woman in all its ‘90s romcom glory.”

David laughs at that as he grabs a container of hummus and some carrots out of the fridge. He wipes at his cheek to rid it of the tear and spins around to follow her into the living room, “Well I mean Richard Gere and Julia Roberts were really at their peak so I guess I can let it slide.”

David was always amazed at the way that Laura could turn a situation so quickly. Could make him feel so safe and understood. As he tucks into the couch he can’t help but think of how Matteo had made him feel the same way earlier. The frenzy of his thoughts had calmed and now he was just left with a feeling of loss and regret for walking out on Matteo. He was sure he had ruined everything.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

David had kept his promise to himself from the weekend before about trying not to wallow and had come up with a task list that he could focus on. This was especially useful since when he wasn’t forcing himself to preoccupy his mind, his thoughts instantly turned to Matteo. To something funny he had said the day before, to the way his eyes shone and his mouth quirked ever so slightly when he was making a joke, to the sound of his laugh which David wishes he could capture because he’s sure he could never be mad if he could only hear it at will. 

Even though he had slept in late on Saturday, the day had seemed endless. He had finished most of his preparation for his art exam, organized all of his art supplies, and had made a list of what he wanted to stock up on next time he went to the art supply store. But amidst all of that there was Matteo.

Now on Sunday he was finding his mind wandering more than he would have liked and was cursing himself for essentially only setting the tasks of cleaning the kitchen and doing the laundry for the day. That equaled way too much down time and he was currently fixated on hypothetical conversations with Matteo about why he left on Friday without saying anything. 

He was stuck on the conundrum of the current most plausible scenario that he had received an urgent text from his sister to come home and he had rushed out, with the reasoning for not texting him after he left because his phone died (which funnily enough was the truth) and how that didn’t make sense with receiving said text from his sister. 

He was mulling that over while lounging on his bed when he hears Laura calling his name.

He drags himself off his bed and opens his door to see her pulling on her coat, “If I have to look at my books for one more second I’m going scream. Do you want to go get something to eat?”

“Sure,” David could definitely use the distraction and still felt kind of guilty about worrying her the other night, “just give me a second to get ready.”

Although the aim was to be more productive this weekend, it didn’t mean he wasn’t still in his pajamas in the middle of the afternoon. 

After David pulls on whatever he can find that wasn’t currently in the wash, he grabs his phone and meets Laura at the door to head out. 

They head to a Thai place that's Laura’s favorite a few blocks away from their place. They're seated near the window and David is loving the way the light is coming in and illuminating Laura, so he pulls out his phone to take a picture of her looking so ethereal. When he hits the power button he sees an alert for a new text and can’t believe it when he sees that it's from Matteo.

With shaking hands he opens the message,

\- Cool afternoon on Friday. Everything ok? You were suddenly gone.

All possible reasons for his departure that had been swirling in his mind all day seemed stupid and pathetic now. What did he mean by “cool afternoon”? And it didn’t seem like Matteo was mad. More concerned? But then why did he wait almost two days to text him? If he was actually concerned why didn’t he text David right away on Friday asking him if everything was ok?

David can feel himself spiraling. He needed to reply but it needed to be simple and concise. No feeling, because he can’t think about all the answers to the questions that were running through his mind right now. 

He looks at when Matteo had sent the message, 14:57, crap that was half an hour ago. Matteo must be thinking that David didn’t care. That David was blowing him off. He starts typing the simplest thing he can think of.

\- Yo sorry. Had to leave. 

Hoping that that conveyed a nonchalance that would make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, David stares at his phone for a few second before the typing alert comes up for Matteo. He was responding right away. Oh god.

\- Anyway. Your beanie is still here.

Anyway. Anyway? What did that mean?

David didn’t know what to say or do. 

“David are you listening to me? Who are you texting?” Laura’s voice cuts through the churn of his thoughts.

“Sorry, what?”

“I was asking you both what you think you want to order, and also who you were texting.”

David puts down his phone and picks up the menu trying to focus on answering Laura’s first question, “hmm, I think I’ll get the green curry.”

“Interesting, only answering half my questions are we?” David looks up at Laura and sees a smile slowly spreading on her lips, “David, do you have a crush on someone?”

David could only imagine what might have prompted that question from Laura, but he can feel his face break out in a full blush under her inquisitive stare. 

“Oh my god you do!” Laura nearly shouts in excited. “I want to know everything this instant.”

“There is nothing to tell. I don’t have a crush on anyone.” David feels like he isn’t actually lying because his feelings for Matteo had far surpassed just a simple crush.

“You know I know when you’re lying, right?”

“I’m not lying. I don’t have a crush on anyone and I don’t know why you would think I did,” David knew Laura well enough to know that she wouldn't be easily pushed off an idea once she had latched on.

“Well, you’ve got something going on,” Laura was eyeing him in a way that made David want to hide under the table to escape the knowing look. 

“Other than stress because of my abi and annoyance at having such a nosy sister, I don’t have anything going on. I promise.”

Thankfully the server comes over in that instant to take their orders and stops the further prodding by Laura. David knows that if she had had any more time he would have been powerless against her needling before he ended up just spilling his guts about Matteo.

The couple minute interlude did allow for a reset of the conversation and once the server walks away David takes the opportunity to redirect their conversation to Laura’s school. He would do anything to not talk about Matteo, especially in a public space, because he can’t be sure he would be able to contain his emotions. 

As Laura was rattling on about the topic of her end of year project, David keeps thinking about what he could possibly say to Matteo. Maybe he won’t text him back and just try to see him at school tomorrow. He feels like anything he would text wouldn’t be right and he would just continue to spiral not being able to see Matteo’s face in response. And now that he knew how easy it is to actually talk to Matteo, he would much rather explain himself face to face.

So with that decided David was now anxiously waiting for the hours to pass before he could see Matteo again. He can honestly say he isn’t really sure what he and Laura talked about during their meal or on their walk home. What he did know is that he would actually seek Matteo out around lunch the next day. He would apologize for leaving early and ask if he had his beanie to gauge Matteo’s response, to see if he had managed to ruin everything after all. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Plans are made and plans are ruined. 

David had tried to find Matteo at the beginning of lunch but didn’t know where he could possibly be. He hadn’t fully thought through the plan, completely forgetting that the only place he regularly saw Matteo was at his locker which didn’t lend itself to finding him at other times in the day. He had pretty much given up on finding him when he walked in to get ready for PE and saw Matteo inexplicably sitting in the gym surrounded by three other guys. 

David panics and considers his options as he was really hoping to talk to Matteo alone. He could just leave, but he actually has to be here for class which is about to start. He could hang back and wait for Matteo to leave, but then he runs the risk of Matteo noticing him as he is leaving and it would seem like David was trying to avoid him. That really only leaves one option open, take a deep breath and go over to him. 

The three other guys there are not ideal, but he resolves to just keep his focus on Matteo and ask after his beanie. That seems like it would be low-level interaction, not ideal but he could at least see whether Matteo was glad to see him. He takes a few deep breaths and walks briskly over to where Matteo is sitting willing himself forward before he can think better of doing this.

“Hey,” David is keeping his eyes firmly on Matteo to ensure he doesn’t wimp out. “Do you have my beanie?” Crap Matteo looks surprised and not really happy to see him. 

“What beanie?” he hears a low voice coming from below Matteo. One of his friends is speaking. 

When David looks down at the two boys sitting below Matteo he instantly feels an old, familiar wave of fear flush through his body. He doesn’t know these boys. Would they be cool about David hanging out with their friend? Would they understand the connection that David felt he had with Matteo? If these were the boys from Matteo’s stories on Friday the sense was that they were stereotypical dumb boys, and David had never had much luck with boys like that. David feels like he can’t tell them the truth. Maybe Matteo didn’t say anything about them hanging out.

“The one I forgot in geography.” Based on the looks on everyone’s faces he isn’t sure if that was a plausible lie.

With a coldness that stings, Matteo responds simply, “No.” 

So there’s the answer to that. David needs to get out of here immediately. He manages to get out a quick, “Okay. Ciao,” as he turns to walk away. 

As he hurries away he hears someone behind him say, “Who was that?”

And then he hears Matteo’s voice and his heart breaks, “Some new guy. A friend of Leonie’s.”

In those few words David knows he ruined it. He was sure that Matteo had been feeling the same way but maybe he was wrong. The connection he felt with Matteo on Friday had been severed by none other than his own stupid fear of letting anyone get too close.

He spends the rest of the day trying to think of different things he could do to win Matteo back. By the time he goes to bed he has managed to come up with exactly zero things he could say or do to get back to where they were before he left on Friday. 

He’s also plagued by the fact that Matteo is dating Sara, so maybe everything that happened on Friday had all been in his head. Maybe his obsessive thoughts about it had blown it all out of proportion.

That old familiar thought returned that no one could ever truly love him or want him so how could he have ever thought that what he felt with Matteo was real. He felt like a fool again.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

David was back to thinking he should avoid Matteo because his feelings were clearly stronger than Matteo’s could ever be and he needed them to go away.

He had successfully managed to not see him at all on Tuesday but Wednesday was not so lucky. He was at his locker in between afternoon classes when he looks over and sees Matteo struggling with a large stack of books he is trying to get into his locker with one hand. 

He considers for a moment going over to help him because it is too much seeing him struggle like that, when a blond girl and Sam from his math class approach Matteo. He doesn’t want to run the risk of being noticed by any of them so he turns his back on them and pretends to busy himself on his phone.

He can’t hear the content of the conversation that they are having but he hears bursts of bright laughter and hopes they will be done talking soon because he really doesn’t want to be awkwardly standing here pretending to look busy for much longer.

After a moment he doesn’t hear the murmur of voices anymore so assumes the coast is clear. He turns towards his locker and puts his phone in his pocket when he sees a movement out of the corner of his eye.

“Hey,” there is Matteo’s soft, beautiful voice at his side.

David looks at Matteo and feels warmth run through his veins, “Na?”

“Na, everything okay?” Matteo is slightly smiling. His demeanor is completely different from the last time David saw him. He pulls his bag forward, “Umm…I have…” as he pulls out David’s beanie and hands it to him.

David feels a slight laugh escape as a flood of relief washes over him and he is unable to say anything. Maybe he was wrong on Monday. 

“I got in trouble with my roommate because of how the kitchen looked.” Matteo is still smiling. Still seeming to want to engage. Maybe it was just being caught off-guard in front of his friends that had made Matteo seem so cold. 

Based on how Matteo is looking at him David feels the surety of his feelings and the connection that he felt with Matteo so strongly it is making him feel bold, “It was cool with you.” He can’t believe he just said that but it was the truth and he wants Matteo to know it. 

Matteo smiles a little at that and seems to get a little flustered. “Ummm…I just have been…” he is nearly stuttering, “so, apparently I am hosting a party on Friday and…and you’re welcome to come around if you want to.”

That throws David. Did Matteo really just invite him to a party at his house with his friends? 

He feels adrenaline shooting through him, he wants to scream yes, of course I’ll be there, I’d go anywhere with you. Thankfully he was able to contain himself and says simply, “I’ll see. Thanks.”

Again that slight smile on Matteo’s face. “Cool. Then uh..” Matteo’s eyes dart to the side like he’s nervous, “maybe until Friday.”

David feels that nervousness pass over him too, “Yeah, yeah.” He doesn’t know where to look. What to do with his hands. He reaches into his locker and realizes he doesn’t need anything from inside so fumbles to close it. “Umm, see you.”

Matteo smiles at him one more time and turns and walks away. 

David feels like he is about to combust with the feelings swirling through him. Maybe he didn’t ruin everything after all. That brief exchange was the most charged couple of minutes David had ever felt in his life. There was no way it was all in his head.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

He spends the rest of the day thinking about that conversation and realizes he needs to stop obsessing over every little detail by himself. He needs to talk to someone about this. 

Seeing as his only friends are Sara and Leonie and talking to Sara or Leonie about Matteo would be the quickest way to ensure that neither of them would continue being his friend, he is left with the only other person he has to talk to. Laura.

He was just going to have to deal with the gloating and the smugness that Laura had been right all along. He couldn’t continue spiraling on his own. 

They were sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner, with Laura essentially ignoring David as she was eating while reading one of her textbooks at the same time.

“Umm, Laura. Can I talk to you about something?”

Laura looks up from her book and apparently the tone of David’s voice had been enough to trace lines of concern over her face. “Of course. You can always talk to me about anything.”

“So you know how on Sunday you asked me if I had a crush on someone?”

Laura’s eyes seem to glow suddenly at that. “I was right! I knew it!” And there was the smug look that David knew was coming.

“Yeah…well…I need your advice.”

“Absolutely,” Laura was absolutely beaming, “hit me.”

“So there’s this guy, Matteo…” he didn’t know how to start. How to convey all of his feelings in a way that would make any sense.

“Ok…”

“Yeah, so the night I came home early a couple weeks ago was the night I met him. I had seen him earlier in the week at school and thought he was cute but on the night of the abi prank meeting I actually talked to him. And he seemed really sweet and kind of shy and I thought he was flirting with me but then I found out my friend Sara is his girlfriend.”

“Oh, so he has a girlfriend?”

“Well, yes…but there’s more.” There was so much more. David was having a hard time looking at Laura. Even with her, who knew him better than anyone, he never really opened up. Talking about this kind of stuff had always embarrassed him.

“I got really upset that night because…well…you know I don’t want anyone at school to know, right?”

Laura had kind of a sad smile on her face when she nodded ever so slightly.

“So I had decided that even if I thought this guy was cute it wouldn’t matter because I didn’t want to get close to anyone. And then when we talked I was so sure he was flirting with me I actually let myself flirt back. But then when I discovered that Sara was his girlfriend...I felt so stupid. I figured I must have been completely wrong and read too much into our conversation. I ended up just coming home because I was so embarrassed.”

“Oh, David, I’m sure you didn’t embarrass yourself.”

“Well regardless, I felt like I did. Then last week I ran into Matteo early in the week and it was so awkward. Like almost unbearable but he seemed just as nervous as I was and I couldn’t figure it out. Then on Friday…he was who I was hanging out with.”

“Oh.” She actually looks a little shocked at that.

“I was telling the truth that I did run into him on the bus and he did invite me over to his place to hangout. I actually didn’t even realize how long I’d been there until you pointed out how long it had been since school ended. We had just been talking that whole time.” Memories of Friday started coming to David and he couldn’t help but smile.

“But you were so upset when you got home. What happened? Did he say something or do something?”

“No, not at all. He was amazing. He was funny and sweet and…just…everything. And that’s the problem.”

“Why is that a problem?”

“Because it made me like him so much more. And beside the fact that he has a girlfriend, who I don’t actually know if he likes all that much, it’s not like I could ever be with him.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Well I’m not about to tell him I’m trans.”

Laura stopped at that. She looked like she was taking a moment to compose herself before continuing to speak. “So tell me, are you planning on being alone for the rest of your life, and just ignoring it every time you have feelings for someone?”

He rolled his eyes, “No, obviously not.”

“Ok, so you’re prepared to come out to someone you like in the future but not right now. Am I understanding correctly?”

“Yes…”

“What makes now so much different from the future?”

That was simple. “High school.”

“You know that high school is almost over, right? This is the last week of classes.”

“Yeah, I know that but it doesn’t mean I don’t still have to go back there and see people for the next couple months. I swore to myself that no one would know. I just…can’t.”

Laura just looks sad now. “I understand…well I don’t completely, but you know I just want you to be happy and it sounds like Matteo makes you happy so it makes me sad that there is something in the way of that. “

“Yeah imagine being me. Don’t you think I wish I didn’t have to deal with any of this?”

Laura reaches across the table and takes his hand. She waits until he makes eye contact with her and smiles a small, sad smile, “I know.”

She let a silence linger for a bit to let him know that he was understood. 

“You still haven’t explained why you were so upset on Friday.”

“Oh…right…well it was my own fault. We’d been having the best time and he’d left to go to the bathroom and I…kind of freaked out.” He felt shame start rolling in his gut. “I had started thinking about how much I liked him and that he might feel the same about me and I didn’t know what to do. So…I just left.”

“You left?!" Laura's eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her head. "Please tell me you told him you were leaving.”

David definitely can’t look at Laura as he shakes his head.

“Oh my god David! You ran out on him? Did you at least text him?”

“No,” he can feel his face heat up. 

He looks up and sees Laura just shaking her head but she was laughing silently. 

“You don’t have to laugh at me.”

“Oh my god you’re such a disaster.”

Now he was laughing. He was SUCH an idiot. 

Laura starts composing herself enough to ask, “So is that what you want advice about? How to talk to someone you blew off?”

“Actually no. I’ve already talked to him.”

“You have! How did that go?”

“Well at first not great. He was who I was texting with on Sunday when we went out to eat. But I thought I might have blown it over text because I never know what to say in texts. So on Monday I saw him with some friends, and asked him if he had a beanie I had left at his place, and he was super cold.”

“Well, like you said, he was with friends…” 

“Yeah, it didn’t change the fact that it was terrible. I was convinced I had completely ruined everything. Then today he came up to me and gave me back my beanie and invited me to a party at his place on Friday.”

“Wait…what was he like today? Still cold or…”

“No, not at all. He seemed kind of nervous and was kind of stuttering when he was talking to me and he kept smiling.”

“Ok, so now you are thinking that maybe you didn’t ruin anything? And you are happy about that? Even though you aren’t willing to come out to him?”

“Well, I don’t really know about any of that. I don’t really know what I want. I obviously really like him and I do actually think he may like me, so yeah…I’m not prepared to come out to him but I also can’t stop thinking about him.”

“Ok, so do you want to go to his party on Friday?”

“Yes. Only all his friends will be there and so will his girlfriend I’m sure.”

“That doesn’t have to be bad though if you’re still unsure of what you want to happen. You left on Friday because it was getting too much just the two of you. I’m assuming you haven’t actually seen him around other people. Maybe you’ll get another sense of him and it will help you make up your mind more.”

“Right…” apparently David was a coward as well as an idiot, “will you come with me?” 

“You want me to come with you to the party?”

“I mean you don’t have to…but I’ve never actually been to a high school party before and I don’t know anyone super well…and well, please?”

There was that sad smile again. He knows Laura would do anything for him. “Sure. I mean I haven’t been to a decent party in a while. It could be fun.” The smile turns a little mischievous then, “plus it means I get to see this Matteo in the flesh. I can’t pass up that opportunity.”

“Oh god, never mind, you can’t come.”

Laura is full smiling and laughing now. “Oh this is going to be great!”

David couldn’t do anything but smile. He loved his sister but sometimes her enthusiasm was borderline scary. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Friday had been a great day so far. The atmosphere in every one of his classes could only be described as chaotic. It was the last day and you could tell everyone was paying little to no attention and was absolutely buzzing to finally be done. 

David had heard Matteo’s name throughout the day as everyone seemed to be talking about the party that night. By the end of the day he was a bundle of nerves and excited about what the night would bring. 

He was now in his bedroom trying to decide what he should wear. He had first chosen his grey sweater, but then thought better of that since an apartment full of people would probably be too hot to be wearing a sweater. Then he pulled on a fitted black t-shirt but felt that it was too tight for him to be comfortable in around a bunch of strangers. He wanted to wear something lighter, something that showed that he wasn’t all doom and gloom which he knew his normal wardrobe definitely portrayed. 

He settled on one of the only white shirts he owned, he thought it was funny, it had a T-Rex in boxer shorts. Just the right amount of absurd.

Laura is by the door putting on her shoes when he comes out of his bedroom and grabs his coat. 

“Is that what you’re wearing?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong with it?”

“Umm, well, it’s a dinosaur wearing boxer shorts. I didn’t even know you owned something like that.”

“I think it’s funny.”

Laura rolls her eyes, “Well you do you…”

“Do you think it’s stupid? Should I change? I don’t want to look stupid.”

“No, David, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” She smiles at him, “it’s better than wearing all black to a party which is the other option right?”

David nods his head now feeling more nervous than he did earlier. He knows deep down no one will actually care what he was wearing. He puts on his coat and takes a deep breath. “Ok let’s go,” forcing a smile onto his face.

Laura talked the entire bus ride over to Matteo’s. David knew she was doing it to distract him from his nervousness and he loved her for it. 

The front door to the building has been propped open, probably so that no one had to constantly buzz people in for the party. You can hear music from the street so it’s doubtful a buzz would’ve been heard anyway. 

As they head up the stairs David feels like all his nervousness has been converted to excitement and he remembers that he gets to see Matteo again. Laura has her arm around his shoulders giving him all the comfort and confidence he needs. 

As they enter the apartment David sees a guy he had been paired up with a few times in his PE class named Magnus. “Hey David!”

He hadn’t expected to be greeted when he comes in the door, but welcomes the outstretched hand Magnus is offering him. There’s a girl there too that he doesn’t know who is also smiling and greeting him. “I’m Julie.”

“Hi.” He feels a rush of happiness at the warm greeting. These people are actually happy to see him. “That’s Laura,” as he gestures to Laura who still has her arm around him. This is going to be great.

As the night wears on David can honestly say he everything's going great. After coming in, he had rid himself of his coat and grabbed a beer. Laura said she was going to go dance and he stood talking to Magnus for awhile before being spotted by Leonie and a very drunk Sara.

“David! You’re here!” Leonie’s voice somehow pierces through the loud music. “I’m so happy you're here!” as she pulls him into a very tight hug.

He feels another pair of arms wrap around him too as Sara joins in on the hug, “Oh David, yay! It’s so great that you're here!”

“Come with us,” Sara is now pulling him away towards the couches in the living room and he shoots Magnus an apologetic smile as he is now powerless against the surprisingly strong pull of Sara.

He still hasn’t seen Matteo and feels his eyes scanning the room to get a look at him. 

Not surprisingly, Sara pulls out her phone proclaiming, “Time for a group shot!” She is very, very drunk. David takes a couple pictures with them as Laura comes over to sit down with him. 

“Hi, I’m Laura, David’s sister!” her hand shoots across David to greet both girls.

“Hi, I’m Leonie and this is Sara.”

“Oh hi! David has told me about you two.” Laura is giving David a very meaningful look that he knows means, so this is Matteo’s girlfriend?

“Well David didn’t tell us anything about you,” Leonie is smiling so brightly, “he is very mysterious.”

Laura laughs loudly at that, “Oh yes, complete man of mystery here.”

“Ok well great. I’m going to go grab another beer…join me Laura?” David needs to separate his sister from these girls as he remembers how alike they are and how dangerous that could be to have them talking while drunk.

He pulls Laura up from the couch and with him to the kitchen. “They’re both very pretty,” Laura loudly whispers in his ear.

“Yes, I’m aware of that.”

“Did you notice how Leonie was looking at you?”

David had no idea what his sister was talking about, “No, she always looks like that.”

“If you ask me, I would bet you anything that you’re not the only one with a crush.”

“You think Leonie has a crush on me?” David couldn’t quite believe that, “Why would she?”

“Oh come on David! You’re nice, smart, attractive. I mean why wouldn’t she?”

David had never really thought about the attention he got from Leonie. He had been so preoccupied with Matteo. “Well, I hadn’t really considered it but thank you very much for bringing that to my attention when I'm already freaking out about someone else.”

Laura gave him an apologetic smile and said, “I mean it could be worse. No one could like you at all ever,” shifting away from apologetic and into complete teasing.

“Ok haha. You are hilarious and I hate you.” He grabbed two beers and handed one to Laura, “other than all of that, are you having an ok time?”

“Yeah this is great. But you should go out and mingle more, not just stand in the kitchen talking to your sister.”

David rolls his eyes, “You’re the one that came over to me, but if you don’t want to talk to me I’ll go.” And he turns and walks out of the kitchen hearing Laura laughing after him. 

He manages to find Magnus again and picks up their conversation from earlier, still looking for Matteo every chance he gets. This apartment wasn’t that big, he has no idea how he hasn’t managed to see him once. 

Just as he is thinking that Matteo is somehow not even at his own party he sees him across the room leaning against the opposite door frame. He looks so cute David has a hard time not just staring. In that same instant Laura walks up to Matteo and starts talking to him. David feels everything freeze. He wishes he could hear their conversation. They're both smiling at least.

Suddenly there is commotion at the front door and a number of people who are dressed more flamboyantly than anyone else here come busting in dancing.

The leader of the group proclaims directly to Matteo as he passes him, “We’re in the house of Hans now.”

All of the people come streaming into the living room dancing amidst everyone else who was already there. The man who David assumed was named Hans appeared to know a number of people and after getting everyone laughing at his antics he approached a very stunned looking Matteo shouting, “You’re not dancing enough,” as he dragged Matteo onto the dance floor. 

David could see how uncomfortable Matteo looked but he was clearly trying to appear game by slightly swaying along to the music.

What happened next happened so quickly it took David a moment to fully grasp what he saw.

He saw one of the guys in the group lean in close to Matteo and say something, as he pulled back he gave Matteo a look that David didn’t like in any way. He then reached his hands out to take Matteo’s waist and leaned in like he was about to kiss him.

Matteo seemed to freeze for a second then was pushing the guy away shouting, “Leave me alone,” before he was stumbling back and away into a room to David’s right, slamming the door behind him. 

Everyone looked vaguely confused as to what had just happened but let it pass and continued like everything was fine.

David was mad. Who did that guy think he was to just grab someone who looked visibly uncomfortable and try to kiss them? It took everything in him not to just get in the guys face and ask him who he thought he was to do that. 

Because he didn’t want to make a scene he needed to get out of the living room so he didn’t have to look at the guys face for another second. He went into the bathroom and locked the door. He pulled out his phone and opened Matteo’s contact poised to write him message asking him if he was ok. 

He stopped himself as he started typing. He hadn’t even gotten to talk to Matteo so far tonight. He knew that if he sent him a message like that now it would only embarrass him and make him feel even worse. He knew that Matteo was probably already feeling embarrassed and vulnerable and didn’t need David to make it obvious that his outburst had been seen. 

David pocketed his phone and took a few deep breaths thinking about what he would do next. 

Just before everyone had come busting into the apartment he had started thinking that Laura talking to Matteo could actually be a great icebreaker for him going over to talk as well. He could’ve walked up and said, I see you’ve met my sister, then given Laura a subtle hint to leave them alone and he could’ve had Matteo to himself for a little while to talk and laugh and get back to how they were the week before. 

But now Matteo was locked in his room, upset, and David didn’t know what to do.

He needed to talk to Laura. See if she had seen what happened. Find out what she and Matteo had been talking about. Ask her what she thinks he should do.

He leaves the bathroom and seeks Laura out. She is dancing in the middle of the crowd in the living room and David grabs her arm and pulls her to the nearly empty kitchen.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Laura was smiling and laughing until she looked at David’s face and her smile falls. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, just, did you see what happened when Matteo stormed away?”

“Not really. He’s really sweet by the way. I got to talk to him for like a second and he’s so shy. But he’s super cute. I can see why you like him.” David can tell that Laura is a little drunk with the way she is kind of rambling.

“Yeah I saw you talking to him. What were you talking about?”

“Oh nothing really. I told him I liked his apartment and joked about who had cleaning duty after the party. Wait what happened that made him mad?”

“One of the guys who came in the party grabbed his waist and tried to kiss him.”

“Seriously? Was it the guy who came with everyone first because I think he lives here too so he must know Matteo.”

“No, it was one of the other guys and Matteo looked uncomfortable. I think he was really upset.”

“Well that’s shitty.”

Right then he sees Sara trip toward the front door with Leonie trying to hold her up which seems to be proving incredibly difficult as Leonie is considerably smaller than Sara. 

“Hey are you all right?” David rushes forward to help Leonie maneuver Sara away from the floor.

“Oh David! Yeah, Sara has had a bit too much to drink. I’m going to take her home,” a tight smile is plastered to Leonie’s face.

“Are you sure you’re going to be ok?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just have to get her to the bus and we’ll be good. Thanks though.” She gathers Sara to her side and is about to open the door when she turns back to David. “It was really great seeing you tonight, and cool meeting your sister. We should hang out some time now that classes are over.”

“Yeah sure, message me whenever. And good luck getting her home.”

The smile on Leonie’s face loosens and becomes the radiant one David is used to seeing as she stumbles for the door.

He turns back to Laura who has a knowing smile on her face. “You realize that you essentially just agreed to go on a date with her, right?”

“What? No, I didn’t. I agreed that we could hang out and if she thinks it’s more than just friends I’ll make it clear to her that it isn’t.” 

Suddenly the music playing in the living room stops. He can hear a chorus of voices now instead and it sounds as though the party has decided to move elsewhere. Everyone seems to be moving toward the front door.

David sees Magnus and stops him, “What’s going on?”

“Oh hey, they get noise complaints here if party’s go too late or too loud so we’re heading out to a club. Are you coming?”

“Uh, maybe. I’ll see you later.”

David retreats back into the kitchen when he hears loud banging coming from farther in the apartment and inexplicably keeps hearing someone screaming the name Luigi.

Laura is looking at him now in anticipation of what he wants to do next.

“I think I’m going to stay. I want to make sure Matteo is ok.”

A soft smile comes to Laura’s lips as she nods, “Do you want me to stay?”

“No. I’m just going to stay for a bit and see if he comes out and wants to talk. I’ll be home soon. I’ll text you if I’m going to be late. Are you going to head home or continue on with the party?”

“I think home is best. I still have so much studying to do, I probably shouldn’t drink any more tonight.”

David reaches out and gives Laura a hug, “Thanks for coming with me tonight.”

“Of course. I had a good time too, so it was really my pleasure.”

With that she heads out with the last of the boisterous party-goers leaving David alone in the now very quiet apartment.

David turns on the spot trying to figure out what he should do. He feels awkward just standing in the apartment by himself knowing that Matteo is the only other person here. It also occurs to him that Matteo doesn’t know that he’s still here either.

Just as he feels a slight panic start to settle in that this was actually a very bad idea, he hears the sound of a door creaking open. 

Matteo must be coming out of his room. 

Crap, now he's stuck awkwardly standing in the kitchen by himself with no good excuse for what he's doing there. He looks around and sees the piles of bottle littered around the kitchen and decides in a split second on what his excuse will be.

He starts collecting a bunch of bottles to bring them over to the sink and just as he lays them down and starts emptying a couple, he looks over and sees Matteo standing in the doorway looking kind of bewildered. David softly asks, “Na? Everything ok?”

“Aren’t you with the others?” Matteo’s voice is so soft, it almost sounds like he's on the verge of tears. He looks so lost and confused David’s heart nearly breaks.

“Nope, I felt like cleaning up.” David wishes he could add that he didn’t want to leave Matteo alone, he wanted to make sure he was ok, but can’t make himself say the words.

Matteo looks at him for a second before he walks over to the opposite counter and grabs a couple of bottles himself before joining David at the sink. He dumps out the contents and looks up at David.

David is almost breathless with how good Matteo looks right then. He's trying to think of something to say as Matteo grabs another bottle to empty it but all that's running through his head is how good he looks and how close he is to him.

In a moment that could go down in history as one of the most bold acts ever, David decides to throw all caution to the wind and just say what he's thinking because Matteo deserves to hear it, “You look good today.”

Matteo looks up and does an almost imperceptible double take as he looks at David. The look on his face clearly shows that he can’t believe he just heard what David said. As his eyes flit around, David senses him shifting toward suspicion that it couldn’t have been true.

“Everything’s fucking me up at moment,” Matteo says as he turns his back on the sink to lean against the counter.

He looks so sad. David needs to fix this. Needs him to know he was being serious. He turns to lean against the counter as well, facing Matteo hoping that everything he is doing can convey how honest he is being with him. 

As David is trying to think of what he can say next or whether he should wait for Matteo to say something more, Matteo looks him straight in the eye and says, “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.”

This was maybe the last thing David thought would come out of Matteo’s mouth. Girlfriend? Why did he think he had a girlfriend? And then it dawned on him. Did Matteo seriously think that Laura was his girlfriend? Had she said or done something to make it seem that way? 

“Do you mean Laura?” and Matteo very slightly nods his head looking sadder every second.

“Laura is my sister,” if this was what was making Matteo sad then this was easy. 

Matteo looks at David for a second like he isn’t sure he actually believes him and when he looks away he quietly huffs out a little laugh. He raises his eyes up toward the ceiling and David swears he can see tears forming in the corners of his eyes while a small smile comes to his face. David can’t help but laugh a little himself at the unbelievable fact that the boy he likes more than anything in the world was so relieved he didn’t have a girlfriend that he was nearly brought to tears. 

The sad tension that Matteo had carried into the room seems to release immediately and David can feel a charged energy replace it. Matteo takes a beat and looks back over to David with a look that seems to ask the question of whether David feels the same thing too.

His eyes are searching and David feels nervous all over again. The smile is still on Matteo’s face as he looks at him seemingly as open and vulnerable as anyone has ever looked at David in his life. 

David can feel a tension rise between them. He's having a hard time keeping eye contact with Matteo as he keeps seeing Matteo look down at his lips. He's almost positive that Matteo wants to kiss him and he is currently freaking out at that possibility. How did he get here where the cutest, sweetest, most amazing boy he had ever met in his life would want to kiss him? 

He keeps finding himself looking at Matteo’s very pouty, very kissable lips too. He looks up once more and makes eye contact with Matteo and it’s like a magnet attaches itself to him. He feels himself moving closer to Matteo and Matteo is moving closer to him. His eyes slip shut wanting to feel rather than see Matteo getting closer.

They’re so close now he can feel Matteo’s soft breath on his face, then he feels Matteo’s hair then forehead press against his. David moves ever so slightly to bring his nose to brush against Matteo’s. He can’t believe how good and right this feels. He opens his eyes once more before moving the rest of the way to see that Matteo is ok with this. They both lean slightly more toward each other and David feels Matteo’s breath on his lips and feels the slightest graze of his lips when a loud bang and yelling instantly causes Matteo to turn his head toward the noise and away from David’s waiting lips.

“But you’ve lied!” comes the angry voice of a blond girl who has just stormed into the apartment.

“Yes, because you can’t just be pleased!” a tall guy appearing at the door to the kitchen an instant later.

David is stunned and confused as to what’s going on. He was so close to kissing Matteo. So close to everything he’s ever wanted and now this guy looks over to both he and Matteo standing there like deer caught in headlights and looking more annoyed by them being there than he has any right to be says, “Why are you gawking?” before stomping away after the girl. 

The moment is instantly ruined. Matteo almost looks a little scared as he looks over to David and David has no idea what to do. He feels a little like a raw nerve. He turns away from Matteo toward the sink again trying to compose himself. He had never let himself feel so vulnerable before and now feels overexposed and like he needs to get away. 

He takes a few breaths before saying, “Uh, I think I should go.”

Matteo just grunts slightly and David isn’t sure if it was in agreement or not. 

David pushes himself away from the sink and walks out of the kitchen to grab his coat hanging in the hallway. He slips it on and turns to walk out the door. He pauses for a second at the kitchen doorway and Matteo is still standing where he left him looking dejected.

“Hey, I’ll talk to you later ok?” Matteo looks over when he hears his voice with a smile trying to come back to his face. 

David makes his way to the bus feeling frustrated but in no way sad. He finally had confirmation that the feelings he had for Matteo were not one-sided. Matteo had nearly kissed him. It was all out now. He knew Matteo liked him and Matteo had to know that David liked him too. 

If only Matteo’s roommates weren’t complete nightmares this would have been a perfect night. But it was Friday and by now David knew that Fridays were cursed.


	4. Coming Up for Air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David and Matteo almost kissed and now David doesn't know what to do. Things are starting to get very complicated and David doesn't do well with complications.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who have left comments and kudos. I totally suck at responding but know how much each of your comments have meant to me. I hope you like this chapter too.

David is in a daze by the time he makes it in his front door. He swears he can still feel the slight brush of Matteo’s breath on his lips. 

“You’re home already?” Laura pokes her head out of the kitchen, glass of water in hand. “I literally just got home. What happened? I thought you were going to talk to Matteo.”

Concern is creasing her eyes and it takes a minute for David to realize that what she said was a question.

“I did.” He smiles slightly to himself realizing that there really hadn’t been that much talking. More intense staring compared to anything else.

“And? Was he mad? Was it awkward? Did you run away again?” the concern hasn’t left Laura’s face.

“Umm…he thought you were my girlfriend…”

Laura looks shocked for a moment before her eyes crinkle and she starts laughing. “Your girlfriend? Why would he think that?”

“I literally have no idea.” David can’t help himself, he starts laughing too. The thought of Laura being his girlfriend is simultaneously the grossest and more absurd thing that he can think of. He’s now very impressed with himself for not bursting out laughing at Matteo when he suggested it.

Between giggles Laura manages, “I’m assuming you cleared that up.”

“Oh, one hundred percent.”

“So why are you home so soon?”

He wasn’t sure he wanted to tell Laura about the almost kiss. He knew she would freak out and get overly excited and he needed time to process it himself before taking on her assessment of it.

“Well…uh…these people came in, I’m assuming his roommates, and they were yelling at each other and it was kind of awkward and intense so I decided to leave.”

“But you said goodbye this time right? Matteo was aware you left?” Laura’s mouth was quirked up slightly as she spoke. David knew he was never going to live down leaving Matteo’s without saying anything.

“Yes, obviously. I didn’t just turn around in his face and walk out.” David rolls his eyes as he says it.

“So do you have any clearer idea of what you want with him? Do you think he might feel something too? Or do you still not know?”

David thought he had a clearer answer on the way home but now that Laura is asking him so bluntly the fear starts creeping in again.

“I still don’t really know. I think I still need to think about some things.” 

Laura gives him a little bit of a sad smile at that, “Ok, well if you want any advice you know I’m always here.” 

“I know,” David smiles at Laura before she starts turning away toward her room, “uh, Laura?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for coming with me tonight. I don’t know if I could’ve walked in there without you.”

Laura walks over to David and pulls him into a tight hug. “Any time.” She pulls away and David can see tears edging her eyes and it hits him again how much he loves his sister. “I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.” She ruffles his hair slightly as she goes to continue down the hall.

He turns into his room to start changing into his pajamas and laughs at himself when he takes off his shirt thinking about how close he had been to wearing this ridiculous dinosaur shirt when he had his first kiss. 

He still has the adrenaline of the night coursing through him and knows that it'll be a long time before he’ll be able to even get close to sleep. 

He pulls out his phone as he goes to lay on his bed and opens Instagram to try to distract himself. The first thing he sees is a post from Sara with a picture of her and Matteo and he feels a twist in his gut. He had somehow forgotten about Sara. About the fact that she is Matteo’s girlfriend. He swipes to the next picture expecting to see more pictures of the two of them but is surprised to see his own face in the next three pictures. The fact that he almost kissed her boyfriend is now making him feel incredibly guilty. 

Though the guilt doesn’t stop him from clicking on the matteohno tag on the post to see Matteo’s account. Before he knows it, it’s after 3am and he has gone down a very deep rabbit hole by watching every one of Matteo’s carefully curated Insta stories as well as finding the accounts for all of his friends and looking at all of those too. He feels the slight burn of shame and embarrassment at how whipped he is for this boy. 

As he finally starts drifting off to sleep his mind focuses solely on how it had felt to be so close to Matteo only hours before. The guilt is still there but he was finding it harder and harder to care as he loses consciousness. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

David is surprised when he wakes up and looks at his phone to see that he has slept through pretty much the whole day. He likes sleeping in but is usually out of bed by noon. 3pm may be a new record.

He pulls himself out of bed to go get something to eat as his stomach rumbles. Shuffling into the kitchen he sees a note from Laura on the counter stating that she had gone to the library to work on her project. 

Being that Laura is the cook in the family, David starts looking for something he can make himself to eat and pulls out bread and cheese to make the only thing he really knows how to make, cheese toasts. 

As he starts assembling the sandwiches he feels giddy at the memory of making sandwiches with Matteo a couple of weeks earlier. This attempt would hopefully be better than those but he can’t help but think that he would eat that disgusting sandwich every day if it meant he got to do it with Matteo. 

As he places the sandwiches on his plate he feels the urge to let Matteo know he’s thinking of him. He snaps a picture and sends a ‘Buongiorno, Luigi’ along with it, using the nickname he heard last night and saw all over Matteo’s friends’ Instagrams. 

Matteo’s reply comes back almost instantly.

\- Buongiorno. Cool that you came yesterday!

David smiles widely as he feels warmth spread through him. He pockets his phone and grabs his food to take back to his room to eat while he watches a movie. He knows that his first exam is coming up this week but there is no way he could focus on studying today, so why not lose himself in a film for a few hours. Thinking about Matteo had made him think about Only Lovers Left Alive so he decides to put it on.

The movie had been a good distraction but now he’s sitting in his room thinking about fated love and the connections between people. He longed for an eternal love. To be loved and understood by someone completely. But that also scared him. He can’t imagine opening up to someone completely, trusting them and being completely vulnerable with them. He doesn’t know if he’s ready for that. 

The doubts have crept back in. Would Matteo be that person for him? He knew his own feelings were strong but didn’t know about Matteo’s. Matteo’s reaction the night before to the news that Laura wasn’t his girlfriend had seemed like relief to David and then they almost kissed. But what did that mean for Matteo? 

Maybe giving it a couple of days and seeing how he felt would help. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

On Sunday he was committed to make up for the complete wash the day before had been. He needed to study for his exam on Wednesday. The fear of failing was incredibly strong.

He had made it the whole day pretty much tied to his desk. It was late in the afternoon and he heard noises coming from the kitchen and the smell of whatever Laura was cooking made him acutely aware of how hungry he was.

He gets up to for the first time in hours to go join her and as he’s leaving his room he checks his phone for the first time that day and sees a couple of messages from Leonie.

\- Hey! It was great seeing you on Friday night! Are you planning on going into school tomorrow?  
\- Do you maybe want to meet up?   
\- Hang out?

He’d been planning on heading into school on Monday and decides that hanging out with Leonie would be nice too. Knowing that he was entering a month of exams and breaks where he could very easily get stuck in this apartment only seeing Laura made him almost desperate to hang out with whoever wanted to. Even if Laura was right and Leonie did have a crush on him.

\- Yeah that sounds great. Do you want to meet somewhere?

David sits at the table still looking down at his phone.

“Who are you texting?” Laura was easily the nosiest person in the world.

“Leonie, not that it’s any of your business.” David gives her the most annoying smile he can.

“Oh, I just thought it was maybe Matteo. Have you talked to him since Friday?” she was not subtle in her nosiness either.

“Yeah I have, if you must know.”

Just then his phone buzzes in his hand. Probably Leonie responding to his question, but as though he knew he was being talked about, Matteo’s name is on the notification.

David opens the message and smiles when he sees Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston’s faces in a sickly green light with sunglasses and fake blood dripping from her mouth in GIF form along with the message - Wanna hang out next week? p.s. watched the movie. 👌

He isn’t sure what to say to that. Of course he wants to hang out with Matteo, but it seems like too much pressure now to set a time. Like it would be a date. He isn’t sure he’s ready for that.

As he is mulling over how to answer, a text notification comes from Leonie.

\- How about around 1400 at the main stairs? I have some stuff I need to do in the morning.

This he can answer. Meeting in the middle of the afternoon at school can definitely not be construed as a date.

\- Sounds good. I’ll see you there. :)

\- Yay! See you tomorrow!! :):):)

He decides to take some time to figure out how he wants to answer Matteo. This was a lot of pressure and his brain felt too fried from a day of studying to be making such big decisions.

“David?” Laura was speaking and he hadn’t noticed, completely lost in his thoughts.

He looks up and sees her holding a steaming bowl in her hand waiting for him to move his arms out of the way so she can set it down in front of him. 

“Oh sorry. Thanks this smells amazing.” 

“Thanks, but did you hear me? I asked if talking to him had cleared anything up for you?”

“Well we just basically said good morning yesterday. So…no.” He didn’t feel the need to share with her that Matteo had literally just asked him to hang out because he really didn’t have the mental capacity to get into it now.

“Well fair enough. You can just take your time. Do what works for you.”

David just grunted his assent as he started spooning the food into his mouth. Hoping that Laura would take the hint that he wasn’t in the mood to talk. 

Thankfully she did as she started talking about a run-in she had with their neighbor in the hall this morning when she was heading out for groceries. David was only half listening as he was mulling over what it would mean to hang out with Matteo again. How awkward would it be the next time he saw him? The last time they saw each other they almost kissed, how could their next interaction be anything but painfully awkward especially with their track record for awkward interactions? 

By the time he went to bed that night he had convinced himself that avoiding Matteo again would be best until he could fully decide what he wanted to do. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Being at school on Monday was strange. All the lower grade students were still coming and going from their classes as usual and David felt slightly out of place. 

It was just before 2 and he was standing at the base of the main stairs waiting for Leonie. He was looking at stuff on his phone when he looks up and sees the retreating backs of Matteo and Sara walking out of the school. Before he can think anything of it he hears Leonie’s bright voice calling his name.

“David! Hey!” she comes up and gives him a quick hug then she turns to start walking toward the door with David following along.

“Hey! How’s it going?”

“Great!” David realizes that he doesn’t think he has ever heard anything but absolute positivity coming from Leonie. He smiles at her because even if she does have an unreciprocated crush on him, he still likes her more than pretty much anyone he’s ever met. 

“So where are we going?”

“I don’t know if you’d be cool with this, but I’ve been so stressed about studying for abi that I feel like I’m going to lose it, so I was thinking we could go see a movie to take a break. Is that cool?”

“Yes! That’s an amazing idea.” David was never one to pass up going to the movies. 

“Oh good. I was worried you wouldn’t want to.” David looks over at Leonie and sees her looking down with a nervous expression as she starts slowing down, “Uh David?”

David stops walking to turn towards her, feeling like he knows what’s about to come. “Yeah?”

“I just want you to know that I think you’re really cool.”

“Thanks, I think you are too.” He was now worried that he was going to have to let her down and it was going to suck.

She smiles up at him then, “I’m super happy that you moved here and I’m happy that we’ve become friends.”

Friends. Good. Just friends. David tries to think of something to make it clear that he really values her friendship but doesn’t want more. “Yeah I was really worried when I moved here so late in the year that I wouldn’t make any friends at all. I’m really glad we’re friends too. ”

Leonie is blushing slightly now and seems to have a nervous energy coming off her. “I just wanted to make sure that you know that I think of you as more than just a guy from a couple of my classes and even though classes are done I still want to hang out.”

That was nice to hear. David had been so sure he would be alone at this school when he started that he was thrilled that this amazing girl wanted to spend time with him. He wishes he could go back in time to six weeks ago when he was scared to even enter this building at the dread of the unknown and let himself know that friends were possible. 

“I’m so happy I met you and Sara. You’re both really good friends.” There that should do it.

“Yeah Sara thinks you’re great too,” she says as she gestures over to her right directing David’s attention to Sara who is standing with her back to him on the level below with Matteo standing across from her, facing him. 

He hadn’t noticed that they were standing right there, and with how Matteo was standing, there was no way he couldn’t see David standing here. It takes everything in him not to just stare continuously at Matteo’s cute messy hair poking out of his hoodie. 

He looks away into Leonie’s open, expectant face. He smiles at her and says, “Well no worries about not hanging out now that school is over. You and Sara are my only friends here,” and he laughs at himself then. 

Leonie giggles slightly and responds, “Great. Well…um…do you want to go?”

Quite pleased with how he managed to turn that conversation away from the clear intention that Leonie had he smiles down at her, “Of course.” 

They turn to continue walking away from the school. David allows himself one more look over to where Matteo had been standing and sees him walking away in the opposite direction without Sara at his side. 

He was really going to need to get some clarification on the deal with Matteo and Sara if he was to have any idea how to move forward with Matteo. He hopes he can find some way to bring it up to Leonie before the day is through.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hanging out with Leonie had been great. David didn’t have to try very hard to get her talking about Sara and Matteo but it hadn’t helped clarify anything. What he had learned was that Leonie thought Matteo was kind of a shitty boyfriend and that Sara could do better, but that Matteo somehow just kept sticking around and convincing Sara to stay. That completely contradicted what he'd heard Sam and Hanna saying on the Friday before that Sara seemed more into it than Matteo. He didn’t know what the truth of it all was.

Now sitting at his desk the next day, he was trying not to focus on it as he was in the final hours of preparation for his first abi exam. He was dreading the next morning. He felt sick with worry that he hadn’t caught up enough in the past six weeks and that there'd be questions on the exam that he wasn’t prepared for because between all the shit that went down at his last school and the slight break between there and starting again something was missed. 

Laura was being the caring, loving person she was and had been bringing him snacks all day and reminding him to get up from his desk every couple hours to get his blood flowing again. 

On Wednesday morning he was quite impressed with how prepared he felt. He had managed to keep the thoughts of Matteo at bay for the whole day before and was feeling confident as he walked into his exam. 

About 15 minutes into the exam he is cursing himself though because in all his confidence at being prepared for his exam he hadn’t thought to go to the bathroom before it started and now he needs to pee to the point that it's distracting. He tries to push through and keep at the exam but it’s to the point where all he can think about is if he didn’t go to the bathroom soon he would literally have to run there.

He sheepishly raises his hand to the disapproving look of his teacher. 

“Yes David?”

“Umm, can I go to the bathroom?” he feels a flush come to his face.

“You have five minutes.”

David was up and out of his seat immediately, “Thank you, thank you!” as he rushes from the room.

He usually hated going to the bathroom at school because he wasn’t permitted to use the boy’s toilets, instead he was “given the privilege” of using the teachers' bathroom. He felt that that made it completely obvious that there was something different about him, so he tried his hardest to never go at school, or if absolutely necessary try to only go when he knew the halls would be quiet. 

Being that it was during exam time he figured it was pretty safe that he wouldn’t see anyone as he was going into or coming out of the wrong bathroom.

But because he’s the unluckiest person that has ever lived, the instant he is coming out of the bathroom he looks up and Matteo is right there in front of him.

He’s wearing that old grandpa sweater and he looks just as disheveled and cute as ever as he looks David right in the eye and says, “Na?”

“Hey,” David is freaking out. He knows that Matteo saw him coming out of the teachers’ bathroom. Add to that that he still hadn’t texted Matteo back after Sunday and this is the first time they have actually seen each other since Friday night. He is panicking about what to say or do.

Matteo seems a little unsure himself, “Mh, you good?”

“Uh, abi, you know.”

Matteo laughs slightly at that, “Ah” and he looks down, giving David a slight break in attention so he feels like he can center himself a bit. 

And there is that familiar awkward silence again. David doesn’t know what to say but he feels like he may have messed it up with Matteo. He feels an uncertainty between them that he hasn’t felt in a couple weeks. 

There is slight shuffling sound behind him and as he is turning to see what it is he hears a teacher’s loud whisper, “Boys. Exams.”

He and Matteo look at each other at that and both smile slightly at being caught talking in the hall. He turns to walk away before this teacher says anything else and Matteo turns towards the boy’s bathroom.

As David is about to turn the corner he hears Matteo’s voice, “I’d like some cheese toasts again some time.” He looks so cute when he says it David changes his mind about messing everything up. 

He just smiles and nods slightly at Matteo as he walks away because deep down he would like nothing more than that. 

How he manages to concentrate for even a second for the rest of his exam amazes him. But as he leaves the classroom he is actually feeling good about how he may have done. 

He still needs some time to figure out how to handle this thing with Matteo. Seeing him out of nowhere had re-inflamed all the feelings from Friday. And all those feelings tend to come with a healthy amount of fear too. He can feel himself falling without a net.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Now that his first exam was finished and he had a few weeks before his next exams he was at a loss as to what to do with his time. He could feel the expanse of time ahead of him without the distraction of school. It felt like a very deep and dark chasm that he felt himself slipping further and further into.

He had spent pretty much the whole day on Thursday taking random trains around Berlin to different places he had never been. Taking pictures and sitting down to draw when something particularly inspired him. 

He also found himself repeatedly taking out his phone to text Matteo about something he was seeing, or in more bold moments starting to type to ask him to meet him somewhere but then he would chicken out. He wanted to see Matteo, spend time with him, but he was still scared about getting too serious about it all. He felt like he knew Matteo pretty well by now but still was unsure how he would react to David being trans. And he knew the closer he got to Matteo the more real it all got too. 

He was so conflicted about what to do. Being by himself wasn’t helping either because he had nothing to distract from the constant stream of thoughts running through his head.

So he was relieved on Friday morning when he woke up to a text from Leonie.

\- What are you doing tonight? Do you want to come with me to a birthday party?

\- Who’s birthday?

\- One of Matteo’s friends. Abdi. I don’t know if you know him.  
\- Their parties are usually a pretty good time though. :)

A party where Matteo was guaranteed to be there. David couldn’t think of anything better. And although he didn’t technically know Abdi, after his Instagram stalking the weekend before, he at least knew who he was.

\- Yeah. I’d love to. What time?

\- Great!  
\- I don’t know what time exactly yet. Sometime later this afternoon.   
\- Sara is going to text me.

\- Ok. I’m free all day so just let me know where and when. :)

Now David just had to wait for the hours to pass knowing that he was going to see Matteo again. This time he was committed for it not to be awkward. He would actually talk to Matteo, try to get back to that easy place they had been in a couple of weeks earlier. 

At about 2pm he gets a follow-up text from Leonie.

\- Hey so Sara said to come any time after 1600. Do you maybe want to meet me to grab a coffee first and then we can head over?

She clearly wanted to make this into some sort of date, which David definitely didn’t want. 

\- I don’t know if I’ll make it in time for coffee but I can meet you at 1600.

\- Ok. I’ll meet you here then. (Link to a map location)

\- Can’t wait. :)

He was nervous now. Other than the very brief interaction at school on Wednesday they hadn’t really talked since a week earlier. He really wanted to be alone with Matteo again but figured getting to spend time with him when other people were there was better than nothing. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

The anticipation of the night was eating away at David which was how he ended up standing outside the address Leonie had sent him at 1550 anxiously awaiting her arrival. She came walking up 15 minutes later with her usual bright smile. 

“Hey! Sorry I’m a couple minutes late.”

“Oh no worries. I just got here.” David smiles down at her and gives her a quick hug. “Should we go in?”

Leonie nods and leads the way entering the building and making her way to a door down the hallway. As she opens the door all David can see are streamers hanging down over the doorway but he can hear the sounds of Matteo and Sara’s voices before Leonie announces their arrival with a “Hello!”

As he comes through the door he sees Sara climbing down from a chair and Matteo looking their way. He instantly feels on guard, like he maybe shouldn’t be here. Matteo’s eyes land on him and seem to ask what he’s doing here.

Sara comes over to Leonie and wraps her in a big hug, “Really nice that you came.” 

David is stuck awkwardly standing there with Matteo’s full attention on him. He doesn’t know where to look, what to do with his hands. He feels stupid that he hadn’t thought about how awkward it would be to arrive with Leonie and that Sara would be here too. He has never been around Matteo at the same time as Sara and he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to act. 

As Sara and Leonie break apart Leonie turns and directs further attention to him by saying, “I brought someone with me, I hope that’s ok.”

Matteo walks towards Leonie to give her a hug in greeting but doesn’t take his eyes off David. Thankfully Sara moves in to give David a hug as well and distracts him from the pressure of having Matteo staring him down. 

When Sara breaks away Matteo is still staring at David and he can’t seem to stop himself from staring right back. Matteo reaches his hand out toward him and David takes it and can’t help but think how absurd it is to be shaking Matteo’s hand right now as though a week earlier they hadn’t been so near kissing. Matteo is slightly smiling at him now maybe having the same thought.

David can’t seem to make his eye’s leave Matteo’s until Sara’s voice breaks through, “We’re not finished with decorating but you can bring your jackets to the room next to this one.”

He looks over to her and around the room as Leonie says “Ok” before moving toward him and the door. He looks back again to see Matteo still staring at him and feels a slight smile come to his lips at the attention. 

He makes his way back out to the hallway with Leonie and feels his heart pumping in his chest. He was going to have to get himself under control if he had any hope of making it through this party without fully staring at Matteo the whole night and being as obvious as possible about how strong his feelings were. Something about being in Matteo’s presence just seemed to throw all reservations he had about him out the window.

They go into the next room and drop their coats on top of what he assumes are Sara and Matteo’s and by the time they make it back to the party room David can hear the raised voices of both Sara and Matteo coming through the door. 

“Oh god,” Leonie mutters to herself.

As they walk back into the room he hears Matteo say, “And you had to whine again,” right before he sees Sara throw something to the floor and storm away. 

Leonie sounds less than impressed when she asks, “What did you say to her?”

Matteo looks kind of pissed and kind of guilty when he looks up and says, “Nothing.”

Leonie scoffs at that, “Yeah sure,” as she walks away from David toward the room that Sara had stormed off to.

Matteo takes the plastic cups he has in his hands and throws them at the opposite wall in a burst of anger that seems uncharacteristic to David. He seems defeated and sad.

David doesn’t know what to do but knows Matteo enough to sense that he needs calmness right now.

Matteo flops down into the chair next to him looking like all life has drained out of him. David slowly walks over to him, wanting to make sure he is ok but not wanting to intrude if he isn’t wanted. “Everything ok?”

Matteo takes a second, looking up at the ceiling, before huffing out, “No.”

David loves this about Matteo. He never seems to lie to him. It doesn’t mean he knows what to say to that though. 

Matteo is looking in the direction of where Sara and Leonie had gone off to and seems to be considering something. By the time he looks over to David he looks as though he has made a decision, “Do you want to run away?”

Excitement boils up in David in an instant. All he wanted for this night was to spend time with Matteo, and now he was being asked to run away with him. He still doesn’t want to seem too eager though so he makes it look like he is thinking it through before calmly replying with a simple, “Ok.”

Matteo takes a beat, quickly looking back over to where the girls had gone off to before almost jumping out of the chair. They both quickly head for the door and he can hear Matteo huff out a slight laugh behind him. 

David feels an exhilarating thrill of excitement rush through him as they rush to grab their jackets in the next room and run out of the building. 

“Do you have your bike here?” Matteo asks as he rushes over to where an old bike is leaning against the building. 

David thanks whatever force in the universe made him decide to ride his bike over instead of taking the train as he gestures toward his own bike leaning a bit further away, “Yeah of course.”

Matteo smiles that crooked smile that stops David’s heart before saying, “Great, grab it and let’s get out of here.”

David jumps on his bike and they take off. He doesn’t care where they go, he just can’t believe he’s alone with Matteo again. He feels light and free as they peddle away side by side. Every time he looks over at Matteo he feels the smile that has been constant since they left get even wider and sees the same reflected on Matteo’s face.

They get stopped at a streetlight and without having to say a word to each other David knows that as soon as it turns green they are going to race. It isn’t totally fair as David has a much newer and better bike than Matteo does but it doesn’t stop David from pushing forward to beat him. 

They are biking along seemingly happy just to be with each other when David comes up with an idea. He wants to be completely alone with Matteo and he thinks of the best place he can think of to be able to do that. He looks over at Matteo with a glint in his eye and says, “Come. This way,” before turning away down a street.

He can hear Matteo panting to keep up with him. After they've been riding for about 20 minutes Matteo asks, “Where are we going?”

David just smiles at him as he pulls away again to have Matteo follow him. 

David had considered coming here the day before on his random city wandering but is now glad that he didn’t. He had heard of this place online and knew that it had a million places to explore and he's happy that he's going to explore it all with Matteo. He looks over at Matteo and smiles and says, “We’re here.”

Matteo slows his bike to a stop alongside David and they rest their bikes down with David still leading the way. There are locked gates in front that David had hoped would be easy enough to bypass but he tests the chains holding the gate closed and sees that they are too tight to move at all. 

He steps back assessing and sees that the gate appears to be easy to scale. He finds a foothold and hoists himself easily up and over. Once on the other side he looks at Matteo who gives him a look which could only mean, there is no way I am going over this gate.

David levels a challenging look at Matteo and he gives in immediately. He less than gracefully pulls himself up and over the gate and it hits David that this is probably the most active Matteo has ever been based on the look on his face. He feels an absolute fondness come over him at that. 

As they start walking toward the large building Matteo looks down at his hands and says, “Gross, look how dirty my hands are now,” as he reaches over to wipe them off on David’s shoulder. David tries to duck out of the way laughing. This boy would be the death of him. 

David had read online that there was a way to access the building through a basement window in a hidden alcove so he sets them off to find where that is. As they are walking around the perimeter path Matteo is looking around and finally says, “Dude, where are we?”

“It’s a surprise,” David hoped he thought the surprise was worth it once they got to the large pool which had drawn him to want to come here.

Matteo smiles at him and quietly says, “Ok,” looking a little bashful as he says it.

David is pretty sure he has found the alcove so tells Matteo “Come” as he leads them further into the abandoned place. He sees the door covering an opening as had been described online and looks over to Matteo, “Let’s go in,” hopeful that Matteo would be ok with this.

As David lifts the door up to expose the opening Matteo says behind him, “You’re not serious, are you?” with the cutest little giggle.

David takes the giggle to mean that he is unsure but willing so he makes his way down into the basement through the opening. Once inside he waits for Matteo to follow, hoping that he isn’t pushing him too far beyond his comfort zone. 

Matteo slides inside and looks at him expectantly. David tries to seem confident in what he's doing and where he has brought them as he pulls out his flashlight that was still in his jacket from his exploring the day before. 

Matteo laughs slightly and pulls out his phone to turn on a light himself. 

David had seen pictures and descriptions of this place online so had a general sense of where they needed to go, so he leads them down a dark hallway hoping he is going in the right direction for the stairs.

Matteo seems interested in looking around them as they are walking and David feels that sense of calm that being with Matteo brings him. He wants to be able to remember this feeling he has with Matteo and almost like it was meant to be he looks down and sees a red valve laying on the floor. He bends down to pick it up knowing that it is the perfect thing to commemorate this moment. It’s banal enough that anyone else who sees it wouldn’t know what it represents but every time David looks at it in the future he would think of this moment and this feeling.

They finally find the stairs and David starts heading up with Matteo still following behind. They both have been silent since they entered the building and David has a feeling akin to holding his breath. The silence of the place is making David feel like they are the last two people on earth and that they can do anything they want. 

As they head out of the basement Matteo asks, “So, what is this place?”

David smiles slightly, “It’s an old soviet training facility. It’s been abandoned for years.”

“Hmm, it looks like something out of a movie.”

“Yeah? I could see making a movie here.”

“Oh yeah?” there is a slight challenge in Matteo’s eyes. He pulls out his phone and passes it to David, “Here. You want to make films, so let’s make one.”

David feels a blush flush his face. “Really?”

“Yeah Mr. Director. Let’s go.”

David looks down at the phone and back up at Matteo. “Ok. Are you going to be the actor then?”

Matteo smiles and looks a little shy at that, “Sure.”

“Ok. Here. Over here on this staircase.” David pulls Matteo over towards a large staircase.

“What do you want me to do? Just walk up the stairs?” Matteo looks at him with that challenging look again. 

David starts recording, “No, you have to walk up the stairs dynamically.”

Matteo smiles at him, “Really?”

“Yeah,” Matteo moves over toward the stairs, “As if someone made you really angry.”

Matteo starts stomping up the stairs. 

“Angrier! You are…You’re raging” David shouts.

Matteo starts running up the stairs and screaming.

David starts laughing. Matteo turns around and makes his way back down the stairs looking a little embarrassed.

As he gets closer, David keeps the camera on him but doesn’t know what else to do, “So, you can have your phone back.”

When Matteo is directly beside him he blows a raspberry before taking back the phone and ending the recording.

“That was great,” David smiles up at a very red Matteo. Trying to assure him that he has no reason to feel embarrassed.

Matteo only smiles back. 

David doesn’t want to make Matteo feel uncomfortable so he turns and walks away from the staircase down a long hallway. He can hear Matteo following him. He makes his way into the room at the end of the hall and sees why people had described this place as feeling like a maze as every door seemed to open up into multiple more doors and rooms. 

He stops and looks back at Matteo who is still standing in the hall. He still seems slightly unsure about being here but when he notices David looking at him he smiles and comes into the room. David is glad that Matteo seems so willing to follow him here even if he isn’t totally sure about any of it. It speaks to an openness that David hopes extends to other things as well.

Suddenly David feels a kick at one of his ankles which almost trips him and looks back at Matteo giving him a shit-eating grin. “Fuck you,” David says but can’t keep a smile from his lips as Matteo huffs out a little laugh. Matteo was being goofy with him again and he loved it. 

Though as he keeps moving into the next room David can feel that Matteo may be losing interest in looking through the rooms, so hopes he can find the pool soon. He thinks they should be getting close but these rooms don’t really make sense to be in the vicinity of the large pool he had seen in pictures. 

He opens up a door and is pleasantly surprised to find the large pool. It is even bigger and greater than he imagined. He walks to the edge of the pool and sees Matteo join him out of the corner of his eye.

“Wow,” Matteo says quietly with a look of awe on his face. David is happy he's impressed.

They look at each other briefly and both smile and laugh at the wonder of being in this place together.

Matteo starts whistling to hear the echo in the large room. David joins in but inverts the sound he makes which makes Matteo respond in kind. They both look at each other again laughing. David is so happy. He can’t remember a time that he has felt this free.

He's filled with nervous energy now though and needs to move. He goes to the pool ladder to the let himself down into the large space. Matteo follows as he has all afternoon. Just as earlier with their bikes all it takes is a look and David and Matteo are running, racing to see who can get to the deep end of the pool first.

David reaches the far wall first proclaiming, “I won,” once Matteo reaches it as well. Matteo shyly smiles and looks away. David is still feeling nervous and feels the same energy coming off Matteo.

He leans back against the wall to take in the enormity of the place and Matteo joins him. They’re so close now David doesn’t know what to do. He’s feeling the need to say something because Matteo is being so quiet. “I’ve always wanted to come to this place.” He looks over at Matteo who seems somewhat lost in his thoughts taking in the room.

He wants Matteo to engage with him. He frankly wants to kiss him but Matteo seems kind of distant right now. He pushes himself away from the wall to see if Matteo will follow him again.

As he starts walking away from the wall he hears the sound of Matteo’s steps start behind him. Matteo comes up beside him and jumps up to hit the pool divider that is above their heads. An uncharacteristic burst of energy that just proves to David that he is nervous too. 

They walk slowly back up the pool and David is trying to think of something to say or do to get closer to Matteo, to engage him fully. Matteo is right there, within arm’s reach, dragging his hand along the pool divider which is coming more and more between them. 

When David notices that Matteo's full attention seems to be on the pool divider and not him he steps under it and directly into Matteo’s path. Matteo looks at David then and all David can think is, I want you.

He doesn’t know if that thought was written on his face because Matteo snorts out a nervous laugh but as David starts walking back down toward the deep end Matteo’s eyes don’t leave him. He thinks of something then. Something low stakes. Just a game. But something that he can do to get close to Matteo again and if he has the guts, finally kiss him. 

As he turns to walk backward to be able to continue to look at Matteo he says, “Actually, we’re under water at this moment.”

Matteo smiles but quickly forces it away before pantomiming swimming toward David.

David is completely charmed. This boy never seems to stop surprising him. He stops himself from laughing before continuing, “That means we can’t breathe actually.” 

Matteo hisses out a small laugh as he steps closer to David who has now stopped moving. 

“I bet I can hold my breath longer than you,” David hopes that this challenge will feel natural. He takes a deep breath before Matteo can say anything.

Matteo quickly does the same. They are looking at each other so intensely. David takes a chance and take a step closer to Matteo so that he is completely crowded into his space. He wants to see how Matteo will react. Wants to test whether their almost kiss a week ago was just a one-off situation. 

Matteo doesn’t move away and David feels overjoyed to be so near him. He can’t stop looking at his lips. He wants to kiss him so badly. The next thing he knows though Matteo is faking a lunge forward trying to startle him to force him to take a breath. But the movement brought Matteo so close that David can’t stand it anymore. He leans forward and presses a quick kiss to Matteo’s lips. 

Matteo barely moves when their lips meet and David ends the kiss as quickly as he started it in case Matteo didn’t want it. Before he pulls fully away though he hears Matteo let out a shaky breath while keeping his forehead pressed against David’s. He pushes his head back off Matteo’s as he says, “I won,” still keeping up the ruse that this was all part of the game in case Matteo didn’t actually want any of this. 

Matteo is smiling though and when he looks at him he quietly says, “Rematch” with a competitive glint in his eye.

David can’t quite believe this is happening. Matteo’s eyes don’t leave his own as he starts walking slowly toward where David had retreated to. David manages to say with all the confidence he can muster, “Ok,” trying to prove that his inside aren’t just pure butterflies at the moment. 

Matteo takes a deep breath and David copies him. David is feeling a rush of adrenaline at the way that Matteo is looking at him. He feels seen and wanted and it is everything he could have ever dreamed it would be. They stand a couple of feet apart staring at each other for a second and then Matteo starts taking small steps toward him and all of David’s confidence melts away.

He never could have imagined that this boy who he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about since he first saw him weeks ago would now be looking at him like he is the only thing he could ever want in the world. They're so close now and it's taking everything in him not to move. He wants Matteo to kiss him. Wants him to show him that he wants this just as much.

When it seems almost too much to bear he feels Matteo’s hand come up to grab the back of his head as he is pulled into his waiting lips. David can’t help but to smile when they make contact. The feel of Matteo’s lips on his is the best feeling in the world. 

And then they are kissing. Light but intense. David doesn’t ever want this to stop. Matteo is so gentle and he can feel all the want and emotion he is feeling echoed in every kiss Matteo plants on his lips. Matteo is cupping his face as he kisses him and David feels treasured. His heart is bursting with love for this boy. This amazing boy. 

David needs to touch Matteo more. He raises his hand to touch Matteo’s face and they both stop and take a breath, breathing each other in. This moment is perfect.

But because nothing perfect can ever last their perfect moment is suddenly and jarringly interrupted by the loud barking of a dog.

Matteo and David break apart and look behind them to see the snarling jaws of a German Shepherd being held back by an angry-looking security guard shouting at them. “Hey!”

Both boys start running back towards the shallow end of the pool, away from the angry guard and dog. Matteo is laughing and David feels almost high with the rush. Matteo launches himself onto the ladder and makes quick work of getting out of the pool. David somehow manages to launch himself up and out of the pool with little effort and they both go running back the way they had entered the building.

David is a much faster runner than Matteo so is constantly looking over his shoulder to make sure Matteo is still close behind. He can still hear the sound of the dog barking after them. 

They make it back outside and keep running toward the gate. Matteo is lagging behind now, clearly winded. “Matteo come on. We have to get out of here.” David runs back to take Matteo’s hand to drag him along. 

When they get to the gate Matteo looks at David with a pained look on his face, “There is no way I'm going to make it over that again.”

David smiles widely at him, “Of course you are or you’re going to get arrested for trespassing.”

“You know choosing a place that’s illegal to enter for a date location isn’t the best idea,” as soon as he finishes talking Matteo’s eye get kind of wide and his already flushed face somehow gets even redder.

“Date?” David feels his smile somehow get even bigger.

“Shut up,” Matteo smiles his crooked smile and makes his way over to the gate clearly embarrassed that he said more than he meant to. He hoists himself even more ungracefully over the gate and stumbles when he lands on the other side.

David makes as quick work as possible of getting over the gate feeling Matteo’s eyes on him the whole time. As he lands on the other side he reaches out to take Matteo’s hand trying to make it clear that Matteo has nothing to be embarrassed about. 

Matteo laces his fingers through David’s on contact but looks away nervously at the same time. “Umm…do you maybe want to come over to my place?” He quickly glances at David before continuing, “I mean it’s still pretty early…and I still want to hang out.” 

David can’t imagine separating from Matteo now. The cautious part of his brain is trying to scream at him that going over to Matteo’s might not be the best idea. But he wasn’t listening to that voice right now that Matteo’s hand was in his and it was completely silenced when Matteo did finally look David in the eye and there was a definite heat there. A want. A desire. 

David knew he was about to enter dangerous territory but right now he just couldn’t seem to care. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

The resulting smile he got from Matteo was burned into his memory. No matter what ended up happening he knew he would always have that.


	5. Making Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David and Matteo finally kissed and David has never been happier in his life, but he's never been very good at keeping happiness around for very long.

The ride back to Matteo’s takes forever. Now that they’ve kissed and been that close it feels like a punishment to David that he isn’t holding Matteo’s hand right now. That he can’t kiss him and hold him. They’re riding their bikes so closely, having a hard time keeping their eyes off each other. David’s face is actually hurting from how much he’s smiling. 

His insides feel like sunshine and butterflies. He also can’t seem to stop laughing every few minutes. The joy he’s feeling is overflowing out of him. 

Based on the look on Matteo’s face, and the fact that he’s also smiling and laughing like an idiot, he must feel the same. 

When they finally get to Matteo’s place, David’s excitement is tempered by a slight nervousness. He didn’t totally think this through, he isn’t about to leave though. His want to be with Matteo is way stronger than any fear he has in this moment. 

Matteo takes a few steps toward him after they both secure their bikes. He brushes his hand against David’s making him smile. Matteo returns a shy smile as a blush colors his cheeks. 

“Should we go inside?” Matteo asks as he clears his throat and slightly pulls away before he starts digging in his pocket for his keys. 

David hums an assent back because words don’t seem to be coming to him right now. 

Matteo finally manages to get the right key for the front door and lets them inside. As they walk towards the stairs up to Matteo’s apartment David feels Matteo slip his hand into his and squeeze, not letting go as they climb the stairs to his apartment door. 

Matteo stops before putting the key in the door and turns to David. “Umm, I don’t know if my roommates are home.”

“Ok?” David senses that Matteo is nervous and maybe a little unsure.

“Uh, they don’t know…” Matteo looks away from David, “that I’m…uhhh…”

It takes a second for David to understand what Matteo is trying to say but it’s only a second. He squeezes Matteo’s hand before letting go, “Ok.”

Matteo gives him an apologetic smile before opening the door. 

There’s the sound of a movie or TV show coming from somewhere in the apartment. Matteo looks like he’s listening for a moment to figure out where it’s coming from before turning back to David with a slight smile, “I think it’s just Linn. It sounds like it’s coming from her room,” he looks back into the apartment once more seeming to double check before turning once again to David and holding a finger up to his lips only to make an exaggerated shushing noise. David can’t help the small laugh that escapes at Matteo’s complete foolishness.

They quietly make their way to Matteo’s room and as they step inside, it occurs to David that the first time he had been in this apartment the idea of coming into this room had been so terrifying he’d run away. Now that Matteo is closing the door behind him he can’t imagine what he was so scared of. 

As David hears the door click he almost launches himself to wrap his arms around Matteo and press their lips together again. Feeling a stronger rush than he did in the pool. The anticipation of getting here and doing this making it all feel that much more heightened. Matteo laughs into his mouth as he pulls him in close too.

It becomes a bit of a blur. At some point they move from David pressing Matteo up against the door to lying down on his bed. David doesn’t know how long they’ve been kissing when Matteo pulls back with a sheepish look on his face.

“I’m really glad you’re here.”

David beams at that. It was so soft. And the way that Matteo is looking at him is flooding his body with warmth and love. “I’m really glad that I’m here too.”

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

They spent what felt like the whole night kissing. 

David knows it wasn’t the actual whole night because a couple hours after they’d gotten there he’d broken the kiss to once again admit to Matteo that he was starving but insist that they order pizza instead of trying to scrounge up food again. He had actually remembered to text Laura while Matteo was getting the pizza but had ignored the barrage of texts she had sent back wondering what he was planning on doing that he wouldn’t be coming home. 

He doesn’t know what time it is now, but David is lying on Matteo’s bed with Matteo sleeping curled up against his chest. He loves the feel of him like this. He looks so peaceful. David marvels at how comfortable Matteo seems, how at ease. 

He wishes he could feel the same. 

His mind won’t turn off though. He’s trying to figure out what he should do. He’d started to feel the discomfort of wearing his binder too long a little while ago and knows he shouldn’t have stayed the night. He knew he wasn’t supposed to wear it to bed, that he really needs to take it off, but how was he supposed to do that here with Matteo. 

He had ignored the warning thoughts the night before that this exact thing would happen and now he was stuck. He also knows that if he wants things to move forward with Matteo he would have to tell him and that scares him. Matteo deserved everything perfect and wonderful in the world, how could David possibly ask him to settle for less?

He can feel his thoughts starting to spiral when Matteo shifts against him, moving his hand over to place it in David’s. The position is kind of awkward as David has to lace his fingers through Matteo’s so he’s holding it backwards. Matteo lets out a contented hum that reverberates through David’s chest momentarily distracting him from his dark thoughts and physical pain. 

Matteo shifts again and mumbles into David’s chest, “Are you awake?”

David leans down and kisses the top of Matteo’s head to let him know he is, feeling like he can’t speak without betraying his swirl of emotions.

Matteo lifts his head then and shifts up until he comes level with David. He takes his chin in his hand and so softly starts kissing him. All thought is wiped from David’s mind as soon as their lips touch. Matteo somehow has a way of making everything better and bringing absolute peace to him.

After a moment Matteo pulls away and looks him right in the eye, “Are you hungry? Thirsty?”

David has to blink away the fog of bliss he’s under before he can answer, “Uh, yeah a bit.”

Matteo smiles, kisses him once more, and starts getting up from the bed, “I’ll be right back.”

David grabs his arm before he can fully make it off the bed, “I have to go to the bathroom. Is anyone out there?”

“Hang on, I’ll check.” Matteo gets up and opens the door slightly, peaking his head out for a second. He pulls his head back in and looks at David with a wide smile, “Coast’s clear.”

David can’t help but smile back. He gets up from the bed and stretches as Matteo walks out of the room. He goes into the bathroom and strips off his shirt and binder instantly. He doesn’t want to be in here for too long but needs a couple minutes of relief. He’s sitting on the edge of the tub feeling so conflicted about what to do. He should really just head home but he can’t imagine leaving Matteo.

There’s a light knock on the door and David freezes. 

“Hey, do you want coffee?”

“No, just some water, thanks.” 

“Ok, no problem,” he hears Matteo’s footsteps retreat back away from the bathroom. 

The sound of Matteo’s voice cleared the indecisiveness from David’s mind. He could stay a little longer. 

He stands up from the tub and goes to the sink to splash some water on his face before putting back on his binder and shirt. 

He makes his way back to Matteo’s room to find Matteo sitting on the end of his bed eating a sandwich with a plate with another sandwich and a glass of water sitting on the floor beside him. Matteo looks up at him giving him the sweetest, softest look as David comes in and closes the door. He sits down on the bed next to Matteo and helps himself to the other sandwich as Matteo bumps his shoulder into his and then rests his head on David’s shoulder. They eat in a comfortable silence and David wonders why he had been feeling so conflicted moments before. 

They spend the rest of the day kissing and cuddling and talking. David has never felt closer to anyone in his life. He loves the way that Matteo jokes and teases one minute and then is so soft and gentle the next. He makes David feel like a missing part of himself has been found.

After passing a joint back and forth David can’t seem to stop laughing and Matteo is doing everything he can to make David laugh even harder. 

“Stop, Matteo, please stop,” David is almost gasping for breath. He swats at Matteo and Matteo swats back and before he knows it their swats devolve into them fully wrestling on the bed. David feels a thrill go through him as he nearly has Matteo pinned to the bed before Matteo manages to get out from under him and wraps him arms around him from behind. David manages to break the hold and Matteo falls back on the bed laughing. 

They’re both breathing heavily as David flops down on the bed beside him. They look at each other and laugh slightly before again slipping into a peaceful silence. 

Looking at Matteo, he has the brief thought that this is meant to be. He’d never believed in anything like that before but everything with Matteo just feels so right. He isn’t sure he likes this feeling though. He likes to feel in control but being with Matteo he feels like his control is slipping.

He asks the question that’s on his mind, “Do you believe in fate?”

“You mean like everything is predetermined?” 

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, sometimes.”

“But you can’t make decisions on your own then.”

A questioning look comes to Matteo’s eyes, “Is that so bad?”

“If you want to have free will…”

“What are you doing in the case of a natural catastrophe? You can’t decided in that case either.”

That response surprises David. “I run away. Hide.”

“And then?”

“Then I’ll wait.”

Matteo seems to think about this for a moment, “All alone.”

The way that Matteo says it makes David feel suddenly sad. Being alone has always been his default. He had never even considered that he wouldn’t be alone. When he hasn’t answered Matteo looks over at him and he just nods his head because admitting it seems like he would be betraying Matteo.

Matteo inhales as a sadness creeps into his eyes, “You wouldn’t take anyone with you?”

David thinks, I would take you with me anywhere if I could. But he can’t say it and can’t look at Matteo when he says, “Don’t know. Why?”

“To not be alone.”

“Is being alone so bad?”

“Yeah.” And the sadness seems to magnify. David can barely stand it. Matteo should never be this sad. He doesn’t understand where it’s coming from though. 

“And..why are you living alone then? Without your parents?” David knew why he didn’t live with his parents but had never thought about why Matteo lived in this flatshare. 

Matteo looks away then. He gets quiet for a minute before appearing to resign himself to answering, “My parents split up. My father moved to Italy and…” he seemed to be struggling to get it out, “yeah I don’t know…with my mother everything is…well she’s not easy.”

David’s heart breaks for Matteo then. He knows what it’s like to have your parents put other things above you. Again the thought comes that they were meant to find each other.

He doesn’t say anything in the quiet that comes once Matteo has finished speaking, just hums in agreement and understanding. 

The quiet is suddenly broken by the sound of a phone vibrating. David shifts to the end of the bed to check whether it’s his lying on the floor. He lifts the phone to see Leonie’s face on his screen. “Fuck.” He can’t help the nervous laugh that escapes.

In the next instant Matteo’s phone starts vibrating as well. Matteo joins him at the end of the bed lifting his phone to see Sara calling him.

As Matteo lays his phone back down he lets out a bit of a grunt and says, “Leonie and Sara.”

David looks over at Matteo with both phones still ringing, “We’re fucked.”

Matteo smiles and they both start laughing. David knows that leaving Leonie and Sara yesterday without saying anything was terrible but being here with Matteo is the greatest thing in the world, so he would happily deal with the wrath of the two girls in exchange for this. 

They both lie down on the bed facing each other, but Matteo has a look of uncertainty on his face. Almost like he’s expecting David to say something he won’t like. David wants to let him know that he has nothing to worry about. “Ok…you won. We’re staying here.” 

Matteo smiles the sweetest smile and crinkles his eyes in an attempt to wink in response. 

They both laugh in slight relief. David leans in and kisses Matteo again blocking out the vibrating phones and any cares he may have. 

The rest of the day continues in much the same way with more kissing and more cuddling and more talking. 

David knows he can’t stay the night again though, but can’t think of a good reason why to give to Matteo. He decides that he’ll wait until Matteo falls asleep and then leave him a note before he leaves. 

He’s amazed when Matteo falls into a deep sleep in his arms at around 21:30. He carefully slips out from under him and grabs the top of the discarded pizza box to leave his note. As he’s about to write something simple he thinks of their conversation in the afternoon and feels the urge to let Matteo know what he had left unsaid.

He finds a marker on Matteo’s desk and sketches out a cartoon version of himself as a vampire hugging a sandwich maker with the caption ‘What I would take with me…’

He looks at what he drew and smiles, hoping Matteo understands his meaning. 

He places it on the bed beside Matteo and grabs his jacket and shoes before quietly leaving the room. 

Leaving the apartment he has the sensation of a physical loss. He hates that he has to leave Matteo. Hates that his body betrayed him again. If only he wasn’t himself. If only he could be somebody else. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

He lets himself into his apartment nervous that Laura will be waiting up for him with a million questions. he isn’t in the mood to dissect his time with Matteo yet, so breathes a sigh of relief when he gets in to find the apartment dark.

He goes in his room and removes his binder knowing that there’s no way he’ll be able to put it back on tomorrow. He’s never worn it that long before and the couple minute break he took in Matteo’s bathroom really hadn’t been enough. 

Now that he wasn’t in Matteo’s presence the excitement and exhilaration that had been pushing him forward since he left the party with Matteo on Friday completely leaves him and he feels exhausted. He crawls in bed and instantly falls asleep.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

David doesn’t know what time it is when he wakes up on Sunday, but he’s sore and still feeling like he could sleep forever. He’s hungry though, realizing that the last thing he ate was the sandwich Matteo made him at some point yesterday afternoon. 

He pulls himself out of bed and puts on his baggiest sweatshirt shuffling his way into the kitchen. 

Laura is sitting at the table studying but when he comes in she looks like a cat getting sight of a mouse. “What time did you get in last night?”

“Uhh, I don’t know. Kind of late.”

“And what’s with not texting me back after Friday night? I get a text saying you’re going to be staying out all night and that I shouldn’t worry or stay up but no other details?”

David feels far too tired to be having this conversation right now, “Yeah, sorry…but it was better than no text right?”

“David! Are you kidding me?” now she looks mad. “Where were you? What were you doing?”

“Umm…” David can’t look her in the eye. He feels a blush completely consuming his face, “I was…uh…with Matteo.”

Laura’s eyes get the biggest David has ever seen them, “Matteo?! All night?”

“Yeah, uh, we ditched the party and just hung out.”

Laura rolls her eyes, “Oh you just hung out…all night and all day yesterday?”

David can’t help the smile that comes to his lips and feels like his face is on fire.

“David, did something happen?”

“Well…we kissed,” David looks up and sees a huge smile come to Laura’s face, “but I’m not going to talk about it, ok?”

“Seriously?! You can’t tell me that and not give me the details.” 

“I can actually.” David just smiles at his sister. “I’m too tired and hungry to answer any of your questions and it’s private anyway.” David doesn’t feel like he could share what happened with Matteo, it was too special and no one’s business.

He turns and starts rummaging in the fridge for some food, ignoring the hole that Laura was boring into the back of his skull with her eyes. He finds some leftover pasta and takes it out to heat it looking back at Laura and giving her a placating smile.

“I can’t believe you. I want all the gossip. You’re just cruel.” Laura is giving him an exaggerated pout which only makes David laugh. 

“Then I’m truly succeeding. Aren’t little brothers supposed to torture their sisters.” David smiles widely and turns out of the kitchen, food in hand, and away from the pressuring of his sister. 

Laura’s voice follows him out of the room, “Ugh I hate you.”

“Love you too.”

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

David spends the rest of the day on Sunday sleeping and drawing and thinking about Matteo. 

He pulls up pictures of the abandoned building from Friday and has an idea. He finds a pictures of the pool and prints it off. He places it in his sketchbook writing ‘Breathing…’ above it and ‘…under water’ below it, and takes a picture to post on his Instagram. He wants Matteo to know that he’s thinking about him and hopes he understands. 

As the day progresses though, the more he thinks of him the more each thought is accompanied by the reminder that he needs to be honest with Matteo. He needs to tell him he’s trans. He can’t spend any more time making out with him without telling him the truth. 

He doesn’t know how he’s going to do it though. How do you tell someone who looks at you the way Matteo does that there’s more to you than they think? What if he doesn’t want you anymore?

David wakes up early on Monday morning having dreamt of Matteo all night. The dreams solidified a resolve to tell him this week. He needs some time to figure out exactly what he’s going to say so decides Thursday would give him enough time to figure everything out.

Before he loses his nerve he opens the map on his phone and drops a pin on a location of a park along the Spree where they can meet and texts Matteo.

\- Thursday. 11:00 CEST. Here. (Map location)

He sits staring at his phone waiting for Matteo’s usual instant reply but nothing comes. He looks at the time and hopes that Matteo hasn’t answered because he’s sitting down for his history exam, not that he doesn’t want to meet him. 

He feels sick with worry now. What if Matteo was mad that he’d left again without saying goodbye? What if he hadn’t found the drawing? Or what if he had, but he didn’t understand what it meant? 

He’s about to text Matteo again trying to come up with something that would make sense of the panicked thoughts running through his head but he just keeps looking at what he’d just sent and realizes that anything he would write now would seem crazy and obsessive. 

He puts his phone down on his desk and decides to go take a shower and have something to eat. Hoping that by the time he picks up his phone again he’s calmer. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Matteo hadn’t texted back on Tuesday or Wednesday and David has started losing hope. He’d drafted a million different messages but everything he wrote had come off as incredibly desperate so he deleted every one.

When he wasn’t trying to craft the perfect text, and failing miserably, he was running through every possible way the conversation he wanted to have with Matteo would go. It was rarely positive and multiple times he had convinced himself that he didn’t actually need to have the conversation because Matteo was still with Sara, so maybe that meant that Matteo wasn’t actually interested in getting serious with him, so it wasn’t actually necessary. 

By the time he’s made his way to the meeting spot on Thursday morning he’s an absolute wreck. He hasn’t been able to come up with exactly what he wants to say and he’s pretty much convinced himself that Matteo isn’t even going to show up. He’s sure he’s made a fool of himself again.

He’s standing staring out at the river, his mind a flurry of thoughts, when suddenly he feels hands grab him and he hears a harsh voice say right in his ear, “Don’t be scared.” 

He jumps slightly and looks to see Matteo laughing at his side. He looks so pleased with himself. 

Seeing his smiling face instantly makes the worry leave David and he can’t help but laugh slightly, “Na?”

“Na.” Matteo is looking at him and then starts looking around where they are, “So, what exactly is here?”

“Uh…” David isn’t sure if telling Matteo that nothing is really here and that he kind of randomly chose this place where they could be alone would be smooth or not. He settles for saying, with as much charm as possible, “I’m here.” He gives Matteo a small smile hoping that he thinks that’s good enough.

The look that Matteo gives him makes him weak in the knees. It’s filled with desire and very clearly says that Matteo thinks David is more than enough. 

David’s now feeling a little flustered. He’s trying to remain calm and cool but he knows that if Matteo keeps looking at him like that he’s not going to be able to keep it up. 

He needs to move, needs to give them some time to relax around each other before he says what he came here to say. “Umm, shall we go for a walk?”

Matteo is still looking at him like he’s everything in the world but slightly nods his head and replies,”Ok.” 

David turns to start walking down the path that leads off further into the park with Matteo joining him at his side instantly. They walk in silence for a minute before Matteo speaks up, “That drawing you left was amazing.”

David blushes slightly at the compliment. “Thanks. I wasn’t sure if you’d seen it. I’d just left it on the bed and realized after that it could’ve fallen to the floor in the night…and sorry for just leaving. You’d fallen asleep and I didn’t want to wake you but I had to head home before Laura killed me.”

“Huh, I thought you had maybe put it in my hand because I was holding it when I woke up.” It was Matteo’s turn to blush now. He looks away for a moment and David can tell he’s trying to hide his embarrassment. When he looks back there is a slight look of guilt on his face, “Sorry I passed out though. Was she mad when you got home?”

“She’d actually already gone to bed, but she was pretty pissed on Sunday when I woke up.”

“Oh shit, sorry. Time just kind of flew by on Saturday.”

“Yeah…it was great though.” David forces himself to look Matteo right in the eye when he says it. He wants him to know how much he means it.

Matteo blushes again and his crooked smile returns to his lips, “Yeah, it was amazing.”

There’s a beat as they just look at each other while they walk. David feels the excitement and love that he’s feeling reflected back to him in Matteo’s gaze.

Matteo’s eyes shine suddenly as his mouth quirks, “But really it can’t be that surprising when I’m the best ever.”

David can see Matteo suppressing a laugh, which just makes him roll his eyes. “Oh yeah I’m sure.” He goes to swat the top of Matteo’s head as Matteo ducks out of the way laughing fully now. 

He runs a little ways down the path and picks up a stick brandishing it like a sword and David again revels in how free Matteo is. He picks up his own stick and they start goofing around having a pretend sword fight laughing and smiling the whole time. Once David decisively wins, Matteo is clearly out of breath and looks up with a flushed face, “You’re lucky I let you win.”

David just laughs loudly at that which earns him a wide smile from Matteo. 

They spend the next little while walking around the park talking about everything and nothing. At one point Matteo surprises David by climbing to the top of a kids’ playhouse to sit on the roof. “Are you going to join me or what?” the mischievous grin has returned.

David has a much easier time getting on the roof than Matteo did and notices that Matteo has pulled out a joint that he is currently lighting as David takes a seat beside him. They pass the joint back and forth as well as some candy that David had in his pocket. David is finding himself telling rambling random stories just to make Matteo laugh. 

The longer they go, the harder David is finding it to bring them around to a serious conversation. And now that he’s a little high, focusing on what he wanted to say is becoming impossible.

After they finish the joint they make their way off the roof of the playhouse and Matteo points out the ping pong tables off to the side of the playground, “Too bad we don’t have any paddles or a ball. We could’ve played…” Matteo gives him a teasing look again, “but then again, I wouldn’t want to embarrass you by beating you badly.” 

“Oh you think you would beat me?” David is always surprised by the little bursts of confidence from Matteo.

He wants to match Matteo’s playfulness and freedom so he walks over to one of the tables and stands, prepared to play. Matteo takes his place on the other side of the table and they start pretending to play, really giving it their all. He thinks as he watches Matteo swing his arm in a big arc pretending to hit the ball that he could love this boy forever. That he has never felt so comfortable with anyone in his life and he wants to keep it always.

After pretending for a couple minutes the play has devolved into laughing fits more than anything else. Matteo looks over and in between giggles says, “I won.”

A little breathless from laughing so hard David concedes, “Ok fine. You win.”

Matteo’s smile is brilliant and David feels a matching smile come to his face.

Matteo's expression slightly shifts, “I’m way too lazy for all this activity, let’s go find a place to sit down.” David is suddenly nervous again at Matteo’s suggestion feeling like this is the opening he needs.

They walk back the way they came and a little farther before they come across an open area with a step down looking out at the river. David takes a breath before turning to Matteo, “Is here all right?”

Matteo smiles and nods as they go over to sit down. It’s calm here and quiet. 

David tries to think about how he wants to start. What the best possible combination of words he can use to tell Matteo about himself without scaring him away.

Before David can start speaking though Matteo says, “I broke up with Sara by the way.”

“Really?” David is surprised. He’d been secretly thinking of Sara as a perfect out. That Matteo couldn’t be that serious about him if he still had a girlfriend, so it wouldn’t be that important to tell the truth if he did actually wimp out. And also at the same time, that Matteo could use her as an excuse to lighten the blow of rejection if he did actually have the nerve. 

Matteo nods, “Yeah,” his eyes aren’t leaving David’s face. David is freaking out though. He hadn’t expected this. He doesn’t know what to say or do. Matteo continues, “Because there’s this guy…”

All David can do is hum slightly to let Matteo know he’s hearing him because the first thought that actually came to his mind was ‘Crap’ and saying that out loud in this moment would not have been good.

“He has dark hair…is a little bit mysterious…” David can’t help the smile he feels curl on his lips. How was Matteo ok being this open and vulnerable? “And has some kind of sandwich fetish.” 

That makes David laugh. He hears Matteo lightly laugh as well. How was he going to tell him now? He knows that Matteo has just laid it all out for him. Told him that he chose him. Wanted to be with him. How could he be anything but honest with him right now?

The next thing he knows Matteo is reaching over to wrap his arm around his shoulder and leans in to kiss him. The instant their lips meet David is lost again. Feeling that pull that he has when he’s with him. 

Matteo kisses him three times before David’s thoughts come back to him screaming that they’re in public, exposed. He instinctively pulls away, suddenly scared and feeling slightly ashamed, “Not here, ok?”

Matteo keeps his forehead pressed against his for another second before pulling away saying, “Yeah, sure…We could go to my place.”

This is not going in any way how David had planned. He wants nothing more in the world than to go back to Matteo’s place and forget his reality again, but he knows he can’t do that. 

With the deepest regret he’s ever felt he looks to Matteo and says, “I can’t.”

Matteo looks at him with slight confusion but simply says, “Ok,” like it wasn’t a big deal at all. 

David doesn’t know where that came from. How could it not be a big deal? Maybe Matteo isn’t as serious about him as he assumed. The next thought he has is whether this is how Sara felt with him and he hears himself asking, “How is Sara doing?”

Matteo seems completely perplexed by the question, “Huh?”

“Well, I guess it’s not easy for her.” He’s hating himself for even saying her name but can’t help but feel that maybe Matteo just doesn’t take relationships seriously and he’s feeling anxious.

“No idea. Are you trying to make me feel bad, or what?” There’s no anger in what he’s saying but he’s definitely defensive. 

“No.” Oh god he ruined it again. 

Matteo is still looking at him and he feels uncomfortable under the gaze. He said something he didn’t mean to again and is regretting it.

The last thing David ever wants is to make Matteo think he has said or done something wrong.

He pulls out his phone and earbuds handing one of the earbuds to Matteo. He figures some music will break this tension that he created. He opens his music and thinks instantly of the song he plays whenever he needs to calm down. 

“I don’t know if you know him.” David thinks it’s pretty unlikely that Matteo hasn’t heard the song but the last thing he wants to do is make Matteo feel dumb if he hasn’t. He presses play and Take Me To Church starts playing.

Matteo smiles slightly at him when it starts and David feels a small sweep of relief that he isn’t mad at him. 

As the song continues to play though David realizes that there’s no way he can tell him now. He’d made it weird when he pulled away from the kiss and said he couldn’t go back to Matteo’s. He’s thinking about how Matteo probably couldn’t help but feel like he rejected him. Then he brought up Sara…There’s no way he can tell him now. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

David is at a complete loss at what to do by the time they leave the park. The tension had eased slightly but now that they were walking again the easiness from earlier seems to be gone.

Matteo is quiet and it’s making David nervous. He wishes he knew what he was thinking. He seems lost in his thoughts. To be fair David is just as lost in his own at the moment as well. 

Matteo slightly clears his throat and David is instantly brought out of his reverie. “Uh, is it cool if I walk you home?”

David looks at the nervous expression on Matteo’s face and his heart breaks a little. He caused that uncertainty. He forces a smile on his face to mask his guilt and to make it clear to Matteo that he isn’t rejecting him and never meant to make him feel like he was earlier, “Yeah, I would like that.”

A small, shy smile comes to Matteo’s face as he nods slightly.

When they get to David’s building Matteo’s eyes start searching the building’s facade and David can see the humor return to his eyes.

“Dude, there’s a Do Not Enter sign on the front door. How dangerous is this place?”

David looks at the sign and the scaffolding covering the front of the building and quirks his eyebrow as he looks back at Matteo, “I mean…where else did you expect me live? I’m on the run remember?”

Matteo smiles broadly as he laughs but his expression quickly softens into that heart-stopping gaze that makes David weak. 

David feels his face flush, “Uh…” he clears his throat, “I should go. Thanks for walking me home.”

Matteo takes a step closer to him and takes his hand, “Yeah, uh, I had a really good time today. I’ll text you, ok?” and leans in to quickly place a soft kiss against David’s lips.

As he pulls away David feels the blush intensify and isn’t able to actually respond with words. He just nods his head, gives Matteo’s hand a quick squeeze before letting go, and turns into the building. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

When he sits down to dinner that night with Laura he can’t stop thinking about how the day had gone. He hadn’t really intended it to be a date, he was planning on having a conversation with Matteo and that was kind of it, but now he’s marveling at the fact that he had unwittingly had his first date. And it had been kind of great, even if he nearly ruined it at the end.

He's conflicted though knowing that now that Matteo has broken up with Sara to be with him, there’s no other out than to tell him. He can’t convince himself that Matteo’s feelings aren’t just as strong as his anymore. 

“Hey, what’s going on? You look so concerned.” Laura is looking at him across the table with a look of concern on her own face.

“Oh, it’s…it’s nothing.” David knows if he says anything he’ll end up spilling his guts completely. 

“Bullshit.”

David is surprised by her response. She almost looks mad at him. “What?”

“That’s bullshit, David. I know something’s going on and you just don’t want to tell me.”

“Maybe I don’t want to tell you. I don’t have to tell you everything you know.”

“I do know that, but I also know that you need to talk about things that are bothering you instead of just keeping them bottled up inside. You aren’t alone, David. I want to help.”

David knows that Laura means every word she’s saying. He’ll never understand why even with her he keeps his guard up most of the time. 

When he hasn’t answered or looked at her Laura asks more gently, “Is it something with Matteo?”

All he can do is nod slightly while looking away.

“So you mentioned that you kissed, but did he say or do something that made you uncomfortable?”

David looks up quickly, “No, of course not.”

Laura smiles a bit, “Well that’s good. Because I would’ve had to go over to his place and kill him if he had.”

He smiles weakly at that. “No, Matteo is amazing. I’m the problem.”

The smile leaves Laura’s face, “How exactly are you the problem?”

“You know why.”

“I promise you I don’t.”

“Well I’m not being truthful with him. I’m letting him think that he knows me when he doesn’t.”

Laura looks at him critically for a moment before responding. “While I do agree that you are being less than one hundred percent truthful with him, you aren’t outwardly lying to him. You just aren’t telling him one little thing.” David is about to speak when Laura holds her hand up, “Wait I’m not finished, you aren’t pretending to be something you’re not. Being trans doesn’t define who you are, so the fact that you haven’t told him yet, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t getting to know you. It just means he doesn’t know all of you yet. But that’s true for every new relationship, David. Everybody conceals things about themselves at first.”

“Yeah, that may well be, but it’s not a little thing. I mean look at how Mom and Dad treated me when I told them, and they’re supposed to love me unconditionally. How can I expect someone who's just getting to know me, to accept me and love me back?” David can feel hot tears start rolling down his face. He tries to never bring up their parents and he definitely never wants to cry in front of Laura. He buries his face in his hands so she doesn’t have to see the tears.

He hears Laura’s chair scrape on the floor and in the next moment he feels her arms wrap around his body pulling him in tight.

“Shhh…I’m sorry.” She holds him for a minute before pulling away. She takes his hands away from his face so he has to look at her. “David listen to me now, you are so worthy of love and everything with Mom and Dad is on them, not you, ok? And as someone who does love you completely, I think I can be trusted to say that to know you is to love you, so if someone can’t love you back, it’s their problem not your’s, always.”

“But even if that’s the case, I don’t know what I’ll do if Matteo doesn’t want me once he knows.”

Laura looks at him sadly for a moment, “I can’t promise you that he will want to be with you still, but what I can promise you is that I will be here and it won’t be the end of the world.”

She gives him a kiss on top of his head and goes to sit back down. 

David sniffs feeling a little embarrassed. When he looks back at his sister he sees that sadness remaining in her expression but it is covered with love also.

After the emotional dinner, David excuses himself to his room where he sits down at his desk to draw. He needs to turn his mind off and just get out his feelings. He sits for hours sketching letting everything flow out of him. 

By the time he goes to bed he feels kind of hollow. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

On Friday he wakes up to texts from Matteo,

\- Good morning. 😘  
\- I have to go grocery shopping today  
\- Do you want to join me?  
\- It would be so much better with you there

David can’t help himself, he types back,

\- Yes  
\- Where should I meet you?

Matteo instantly responds,

\- Bus stop near my house in an hour?

He’s going to take every chance he can get to spend time with Matteo. He knows he’s just prolonging the inevitable but after feeling so miserable last night he feels like he deserves some time in Matteo’s presence. It always makes him feel better. Plus, he thinks, he really should grab some groceries for him and Laura.

\- OK. See you then ☺️

An hour later he’s standing at the corner near the bus stop watching Matteo slowly walk towards him. He’s wearing an old-style newsboy hat and David has the thought that he can’t believe that this is the boy he loves more than anything in the world.

“Hey, na?” Matteo says as he gets a couple of feet away.

“Hey.” David feels that familiar warmth flood through his body when Matteo looks at him. 

He sees Matteo look down at his lips but he doesn’t make a move to kiss him. He’s probably thinking about how David reacted to being kissed in public at the park the day before. “Uh…should we go?”

They start walking down the street in companionable silence, occasionally bumping shoulders and stealing glances at each other. 

He sees Matteo looking down at the reusable bags he has clutched in his hand. “What are those for?”

“Well we’re going grocery shopping aren’t we? I thought I would grab some stuff too.” He feels kind of foolish. Just now wondering if maybe Matteo hadn’t been serious about shopping and just wanted to spend time with him. 

“Oh. Ok. Cool.”

They make their way to the grocery store and now all David can think of is whether this is actually where Matteo planned on going or not. He pushes the thought away though because even if it was an excuse to see him, how was David supposed to know. Also, he had seen Matteo’s fridge, he definitely needed to stock up regardless. 

They spend more time in the grocery store than David thinks he ever has because Matteo is fooling around most of the time. David has been consistently going back and forth between rolling his eyes at Matteo’s antics to nearly gasping for breath from laughing so hard. 

Once they’re fully stocked up with everything they need, they start walking back towards Matteo’s place. Matteo bought a lot more than he did so he needs to help him carry the bags home. 

When they get to his building Matteo turns to him as he is struggling with the front door, “Do you want to come up?”

All David wants is to spend more time with Matteo but itching at the back of his mind the whole time they were together was that he wasn’t being truthful. That this was all a sham. So he says what he knows he should even if it isn’t what he wants, “No, I should probably get all this stuff home.”

Matteo looks a little disappointed. “Ok, fair enough. Text me ok?”

“Yeah, I will.” 

Matteo smiles at him and attempts to wink as he steps away from the door and it closes behind him.

David is suddenly stuck to the spot. Something about that last look had been so endearing he feels overwhelmed with the feeling that he can’t keep this up. 

He finally manages to turn to walk back towards the bus stop feeling conflicted about what to do. As he’s walking up to the stop he sees a bus driving away and groans knowing it’s going to be another twenty minutes until the next bus comes. 

As he’s standing waiting for the bus the only thought that’s coming to him is that he needs to tell Matteo. It’s like a voice in his head yelling, TELL HIM. 

Complete frustrated with himself he starts walking back towards Matteo’s apartment. He doesn’t have a plan other than ringing his bell and winging it. 

As he approaches the front door of the building another guy is in front of him putting his key in the lock. He looks back at David, clearly hearing him walk up behind him.

“Hi there,” the guy says turning fully to face David.

David is pretty sure he recognizes this guy. He thinks it might be Matteo’s roommate, who Matteo told him is named Hans. “Hi.”

“Are you coming to see someone in the building?”

David panics. His momentum is completely gone. He can’t go up and see Matteo now. Especially if one of his roommates is there. “Umm..are you Hans?”

The guy looks a little shocked, “Yes, do I know you?”

“Oh, uh, no. I’m a friend of Matteo’s.” David didn’t know what else to say or do. He didn’t want to be invited up, so he quickly improvises. “We were just grocery shopping and I realized that I had something of his in my bag.” He reaches into one of his bags and pulls out the first thing he grabs. He is mortified to see that it’s a large salami. “Could you give it to him?”

Both of Hans’ eyebrows raise in surprise. He reaches out and takes the salami and says, “Yeah, sure. Do you want to come up?”

“Uh, no. My bus is about to come, so I’ve gotta go. Thanks though.” He turns and walks quickly away. He’s so embarrassed he’s sure his face is burning a deep shade of red. 

He makes it back to the bus stop just as the bus is pulling up. He gets on and takes a seat feeling like an idiot. 

How could he think just walking up to Matteo’s apartment would work? 

He can’t imagine how he was going to deal with seeing Matteo again. He feels so good when he’s with him, but so terrible as soon as he’s gone. The guilt of not telling him is eating him up inside. He needs some time. He needs to properly think of what he’s going to say to him. He pulls out his phone and texts Matteo,

\- Hey - I think it all went a bit fast somehow. I need some time. Don’t be angry.

As soon as he hits send he actually feels relief. He would reach back out to Matteo when he was ready with exactly what he wanted to say. 

The relief doesn’t stop him from constantly checking his phone to see if Matteo has written back though. With every passing minute of no response a pit starts forming in David’s stomach. 

By the time he gets off the bus near his house he’s freaking out. What if Matteo was mad? What if he wouldn’t speak to him again? What if he would but he insisted on an explanation that he wouldn’t accept? 

As he walks into the apartment he feels like the walls are closing in on him. He’s feels like he’s hyperventilating. 

Laura appears in front of him in the hall. When she looks at his face she looks stricken, “David, are you all right?”

David is breathing heavily and starts muttering, “I messed up. I messed up.”

Laura takes the grocery bags out of his hands to put them down on the floor. “Woah, woah, woah. Calm down. What do you mean you messed up?”

He feels like he’s in a daze, “I told him I needed time and he hasn’t answered. He hates me.”

“What are you talking about?”

He looks at her and doesn’t understand why she isn’t understanding. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and shows her the text on the screen. 

She looks at it and then back at him looking confused. “I don’t understand. That message isn’t bad and I think it’s good that you told him that you need to slow down if that’s what you need.”

“But he hasn’t answered. And he always answers. Right away. He’s mad and he’s never going to speak to me again.” David feels completely overwhelmed right now. He turns to go into his bedroom and slams the door. He couldn’t stand Laura looking at him any longer.

Laura starts knocking on the door. When he won’t open it she starts speaking to him through it, “David, it’s not that bad, I’m sure. Just take a deep breath. He may be upset and that’s why he didn’t text back right away but give him some time…or you could always text him again to clear it up.”

David feels a sudden flash of anger and yells back through the door, “Clear it up? What do you think I should text him, ‘Hey sorry about that other message, needed some time to tell you I’m trans and I was worried that you might reject me completely once you know but could you answer me now?’”

“David…come on. Can you open the door please?”

The anger disappears as quickly as it came. He walks over to his door and opens it. “Sorry. I just don’t know what to do.”

“I know.” Laura gives him her most understanding smile and pulls him into a hug. “Relationships can really suck.”

She pulls back still keeping a firm grasp on his shoulders, “How about we put on a movie to help keep your mind off it because there’s nothing you can do about it right now.”

David knows she’s right, so nods his head, “Yeah ok. I’m just going to change out of this first though,” gesturing to his shirt but meaning his binder.

“Great. I’ll grab some snacks.”

Now that he’s managed to calm down he realizes that sending the text was the right thing to do. He needs more time. He needs Matteo to give him some space. Laura was right that Matteo might be upset but he would probably get over it. He realizes that he knows Matteo well enough to know that he isn’t one to hold a grudge. 

He gets changed and heads to the living room curling up on the couch waiting for Laura. She comes out of the kitchen a couple minutes later carrying two beers and some chips. As she sets them down on the coffee table there’s a knock at the door.

They both look at each other with matching expressions and say at the same time, “Who’s that?”

“I’ll go see,” Laura says as she starts for the door. 

David has a slightly sinking feeling in his stomach as she cracks open the door and he hears her say, “Yeah?”

His heart stops as he hears Matteo’s voice coming from the hallway, “Is David here?”

He freezes. Matteo can’t be here. He can’t see him without his binder on. He feels the panic from earlier come surging back.

He hears Laura, “Ah, you’re Matteo, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, can I talk to him for a second?”

David has the sudden urge to cry. This is too much pressure. What if Laura let’s him in?

“He’s not here.” Laura lies so quickly. 

There is a beat of silence.

“Ok, I know, it’s bad timing right now..” Matteo almost sounds almost apologetic. 

Laura interrupts him before he can finish, “I’m really sorry, Matteo.”

“Can you at least tell him…”

Laura interrupts him again, “I’m sorry.” Then David hears the door close. 

Laura comes back into the living room looking concerned, “Did you hear? Was that ok? Did you want to talk to him? Did I mess up?”

David can’t think about any of her questions. He’s panicking. He realized as soon as he heard Matteo voice that he wasn’t ready to talk to him. He pulls out his phone and texts without thinking,

\- Please leave me alone. I’m not into you.

He hits send and sees the words appear in the message thread. As soon as he sees them he wants to take them back. 

He looks up at Laura’s concerned face and says, “I think I made a mistake.”


	6. Trying and Failing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David made a mistake and now he has to deal with it. Otherwise known as Hell Week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean it's hell week 1 of 4 so you know this is going to hurt. I'm sorry.
> 
> Thank you everyone who has been reading and leaving comments and kudos. It means the world to me.

David is completely frozen. His mind is blank and Laura is standing over him with an expectant look on her face.

“Mistake? What mistake? Do you want me to go get him?”

David can’t answer. He’s gone completely numb. Why would he ever tell Matteo that? Why would he try to hurt him?

When Laura realizes that he may not actually be hearing her, she grabs ahold of his shoulders and starts lightly shaking him, “David? What is it?”

All he can manage to do is pass her his phone and when she looks at it her eyes go wide, “Oh no, David.”

She turns away from him and walks over to look out the window that faces the street, “He’s still out there. He’s just standing there.” She turns back to him then, “You could maybe go talk to him and apologize. Tell him you didn’t mean it…you didn’t mean it, right?”

David snaps out of it then, “Of course I didn’t mean it. But how can I talk to him now? I’m not ready to talk to him and now I sent that…” he hides his face in his hands. 

Laura comes and sits next to him on the couch and wraps her arm around his shoulders giving him all the comfort she can. “Well, what do you want to do then?”

David lifts his head from his hands, only to rest it on her shoulder, while letting his body relax against her side. Completely submitting to the futility of doing anything. “Nothing. There’s nothing I can do. I messed it up. It’s over.” He feels the certainty of it. What he had with Matteo was over. He had ruined it. 

Laura hugs him closer to her, “I’m sure it’s not over. We’ll think of something. If you really want to be with him, it’ll work out.”

David doesn’t say anything in response. There’s nothing else for him to say. 

They sit in silence for a couple of minutes, David feeling the numbness returning. 

“Are we going to watch a movie?” he asks quietly once the silence starts feeling too heavy.

“Yeah, we can do that. What do you want to watch?”

“I don’t care. You choose. Just no romance.” 

Laura gives him one more squeeze before releasing him and pulling her computer over to her to scroll though Netflix to find them something to watch. David isn’t paying attention to what she chooses as it starts playing. He picks up the beer she had set on the table for him earlier and pretends to watch the movie. He can’t concentrate though because the same words are repeating in his head blocking out everything else, ‘Matteo I love you, I’m sorry.’

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

David couldn’t sleep at all on Friday night. He lay in his bed tossing and turning the whole night replaying every moment of the day in his head. Every time he thinks about how the day had started he can’t really make sense of how it ended. 

When he can’t stand lying there any longer he gets up and checks the time. It’s 7am and he’s cursing his brain. He wishes he was unconscious. That he could be oblivious to the world around him right now.

He pulls on some clothes and grabs his phone and sketchbook and heads outside. The apartment was feeling too closed in. He feels like his thoughts were just getting trapped in the walls and he needed to get out. 

He starts wandering aimlessly. It’s so early on a Saturday morning that no one’s out. David is feeling jittery and terrible. He wishes he wasn’t alone, he needs a distraction. 

He decides to walk to a local cafe knowing that at least he could find people there. There would be noise and life that could distract him from his thoughts.

As he enters the cafe he feels some of his anxiousness ease as the silence that had been pressing in on him since the night before is broken by the noise of the place. He’s relieved to see that there are two people already in line to order because he definitely needs to get his bearings before being able to communicate with anyone, even if it’s just to place an order. 

As he’s standing waiting, trying to decide what it is he wants, the memory of Matteo asking him if he wanted coffee the Saturday before comes to him. It feels like a year ago that he was sitting in Matteo’s bathroom completely topless trying to figure out what to do, but it was only seven days earlier. He wishes he could go back to that moment, tell himself to leave right then or tell Matteo in that moment. He starts spiraling again realizing that if he could go back to that moment he still doesn’t know what the right thing to do would have been. 

“Are you ready?” David looks up and realizes that the cashier is looking at him expectantly as it’s his turn.

“Oh, uh, sorry…I guess a latte.” He isn’t even sure he wants that. Why can’t he know what he wants ever?

He pays for his coffee and goes to pick it up at the end of the counter and then finds himself a seat at a table near the back of the cafe. 

He opens his sketchbook and starts scribbling his frustration out on the page. Page after page he’s sketching out dark, hidden figures. 

There’s a loud crash at the counter as one of the baristas accidentally drops a cup on the ground that shocks David out of his repetitive action of filling a page with a rough, dark sketch before moving onto the next page. When he looks back down at what he just finished drawing, he sees a hooded man whose face is completely obscured by darkness except for a scowl on his lips. The figure looks angry and sad and frustrated, while also looking resigned in some way. 

David grabs his phone and takes a picture of the image and posts it to his Instagram. Although the man looks nothing like him, he feels like it’s the best representation of what he’s feeling right now.

He closes his sketchbook feeling like for once drawing out his feelings isn’t releasing anything like it usually does. He feels like he’s just getting angrier and more frustrated with every image. 

He wishes he had someone other than Laura he could just go and hang out with. Do nothing and just have a stupid conversation with. One that was decidedly not about Matteo and his feelings. 

He has the flicker of a thought that he could see if Leonie wanted to hang out and then remembers that that wouldn’t work. He hasn’t spoken to her since he ditched her the week before to be with Matteo. She had been texting him, asking him what was going on, and he hadn’t known how to answer. 

He starts sinking further realizing that not only has he ruined his relationship with Matteo, but he sacrificed his friendship with the only two friends he had had in years for it. He feels a pressure behind his eyes and a lump forming in his throat. He grabs his phone and sketchbook and hurries out of the cafe before creating a scene by starting to cry. 

He decides that maybe he should just be alone. He doesn’t deserve to be distracted from his terrible thoughts. He deserves to be miserable.

He turns and starts walking back home. He would crawl back into bed and not leave it again until he didn’t feel so miserable anymore.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

By Monday afternoon David has only left his bed to go to the bathroom and grab food when he was so hungry he couldn’t stand it anymore. Every time he emerged from his room, Laura would try to get him to talk. She was trying to be helpful but he couldn’t handle her relentless certainty that it would all work out and that he could fix it. 

He didn’t think he deserved to fix it. Matteo shouldn’t forgive him. Matteo wouldn’t forgive him, especially if David came out to him, he would realize that David had lied to him and lead him on. He would hate him forever.

David is starting to feel numb to all the sadness filling him up because it was getting too much to bear. 

He picks up his phone and opens Instagram wondering what Matteo posted today for his #matteomonday, because he can’t help himself and torturing himself is becoming second nature.

When the app opens he sees a picture of Sara staring directly into the camera with a slightly smug smile on her face. He looks at the caption and his misery multiplies,

\- 'You can’t bring me down. Some decisions are not our own but you still have to learn how to deal with them. There are assholes in our lives and then there’s @ matteohno. I don’t give a shit about you, I don’t give a shit about your life. I’m stronger without you.'

He caused that. He was the reason Sara hurt so much that the sweet girl he knows lashed out like that. What would Matteo think when he saw it? What would his friends think? Did they know why Matte broke up with Sara? Did they know about him?

He closes the app and turns off his phone before looking any further. 

He sinks down under his sheets and feels the sadness and misery wash over him completely. He just ruins everything.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Laura has apparently decided that enough is enough because she does what she never does and she comes barging into David’s room on Tuesday night.

“Ok, this is getting ridiculous. You can’t just lie here for the rest of your life. Get up,” she grabs David’s arm and starts pulling him out of bed, “let’s go.”

David struggles against her grip but the fight has completely left him, “Can’t you just leave me alone?”

She doesn’t stop pulling until he’s sitting on the edge of his bed. She takes his face in her hands and forces him to look at her, “No, I will not leave you alone. You have been alone in this room for four days and that is enough. I know you’re upset about Matteo but nothing is going to get better lying in that bed.”

David huffs out a resigned breath and tries to look away, “There’s nothing to get better…I lost Matteo and my friends. There’s no point in trying to pretend I can fix it.”

Laura pulls her hands away from his face and places them on her hips as she looks down at him, “David, I know that everything seems terrible and hopeless now but I need you to try harder here. I’m worried about you and I can’t really deal with that right now.”

He looks up at her a little shocked at her bluntness, “What?”

“I’ve got things going on too, I’ve got exams and work and friends, but you know what I’ve been concerning myself with? You. And I can’t be the only one trying here David. I need you to try. I need you to care.”

David is overcome with anguish. He’s pushed his loving, supportive sister to the edge. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, why he’s hurting everyone he loves.

“Laura, I’m sorry,” he feels so ashamed, “you don’t have to worry about me. You have more important things in your life. Please, I don’t want to ruin anything for you.”

“That’s the thing though, you are one of the most important things in my life and I love you and want you to be happy. And this,” she gestures towards the nest of blankets he had been wrapped up in on his bed, “is not making you happy.”

David looks over his shoulder at the mess of blankets and collection of cups and plates he has scattered around the floor next to his bed. He’s embarrassed. He wants nothing more than to burrow back into the blankets and hide but he forces himself to look at Laura and say with all the sincerity he can muster, “I promise to try harder.”

“Good,” she nods at him once. “I’ve made dinner. Get up and come eat with me in the kitchen and when we’re done, you have to have a shower. You’re getting really gross.” A small smile comes to her lips and David feels better knowing that she isn’t mad enough to stop teasing him. 

He gets up and follows her into the kitchen. As they sit and eat Laura talks about everything but Matteo and his feelings. The sound of her voice is really punctuating her point that being stuck in the silence of his room with his mess of thoughts hadn’t made anything better. He needs to figure out what he can do. How he can move forward. How he can live without Matteo.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

On Wednesday he wakes up and decides that he needs to give his days during this school break some structure. He still needs to prepare for his math exam coming up in just over two weeks and practice for the boys’ grading on the PE exam coming up in just over three. He also needs to figure out how he can help around the house more, because Laura was right that she has so much going on in her life and he really hasn’t been pulling his weight. 

He spends Wednesday morning planning out a detailed schedule for every day until his math exam. He has scheduled in time for meals and study breaks. He has compiled a list of chores and errands he can complete and has carved out time each day to do those. 

Since he needs to not wallow in the sadness of losing Matteo, and he no longer has even the glimmer of a friend, he feels confident that this schedule will serve well to distract him. 

Once he’s good with the how everything is laid out, he goes into the kitchen to get some lunch before sitting down to start studying for the afternoon. 

He goes to grab bread and cheese to make his default meal, cheese toasts, when he stops short. The second he thinks of cheese toasts he thinks of Matteo in the hall at school a couple weeks earlier telling him he would like some cheese toasts again some time. Before they kissed. Before he destroyed everything. He forces himself to shake it off and instead pours himself some cereal and makes a mental note to add, learn how to cook other meals, to his list.

After quickly eating, he goes back to his room and sits down at his desk to start studying. He pulls out his math book and turns on some music to stop the silence of the room from becoming too oppressive. After about an hour he’s fully preoccupied with his studying when the song switches over and Take Me To Church starts playing. His pencil stops mid-stroke when the small smile Matteo gave him almost a week earlier when he played this song for him flashes in his mind. 

He fumbles with his phone to skip the song. He closes his eyes and takes a breath. He wasn’t going to allow his thoughts to go there. 

He continues working through the problems in his textbook. Feeling better as he goes because he realizes that he knows everything he’s covered so far for his exam. He’s feeling like this preparation for math is going to be smooth. His optimism crumbles though when he gets to a word problem that involves a large, empty swimming pool. It seems that no matter how hard he's trying not to dwell on thoughts of Matteo, the universe is bound and determined to push every good memory he has of Matteo to the forefront. 

He tries reading the problem again and again without picturing the pool as their pool. Without seeing Matteo’s smile. Hearing his laugh. Remembering his kiss. 

His concentration is shot. He slams the textbook closed trying to force the memories away with the pages. 

Thoughts and memories don’t work like that though. 

He finds himself picking up his phone and opening Instagram and pulling up Matteo’s account. He just wants to see his face. The last picture on his account was from Friday when they went grocery shopping together. It seems like so long ago now. 

He wonders what Matteo is doing. How he's feeling.

He closes Instagram and opens his message to Matteo. He sees those terrible words he sent him. His fingers hover over the keyboard wanting to say something to Matteo. Tell him that he didn’t mean it. That Matteo is perfect, that he’s the one with the problem. 

He stops before writing anything. What if Matteo wrote back? He still doesn’t know how to tell him the truth. He’s still so afraid of Matteo rejecting him. But something in the silence on Matteo’s Instagram makes him worried. Makes him sure that Matteo was blaming himself. Thinking that he wasn’t worthy of absolute love and devotion.

David clears away the books from his desk and pulls out a sheet of paper. He needs to make sure that Matteo knows that he isn’t the problem. He starts drawing him. Every line of his face and swoop of his hair. When he’s finished he looks at the picture and wants to cry. It's exactly how David sees him. He looks perfect. It takes a second before David realizes he can’t give this to Matteo. He doubts it would mean to Matteo what it means to him.

He grabs the sheet and crumples it in his hand. If he can’t give it to Matteo, he doesn’t need to see a reminder of the perfect thing he lost laying around. 

He pulls out another sheet and a thought comes to him. He grabs a thick black marker and starts drawing himself as the vampire he left for Matteo the last time he needed to leave him a message and he didn’t know how to express everything he wanted to say in words. The vampire him is sad and holding a cheese toast. He hopes that Matteo understands that it means he’s thinking about him always. 

He draws a large speech bubble because although the picture reflects how he feels he does need to use some words to get the full message across. He knows they’re cliché but the only words he can think to use are, ‘It’s not you, it’s me!’ because they are completely true. He looks at the picture and the words and feels compelled to add ‘*Maybe in eternity’ underneath. He wants to let Matteo know that he isn’t the problem, but David still needs time. 

He folds the picture in half and finds an envelope amongst his supplies to put it in. He writes Matteo’s name on the front and lays it down on his desk. David looks at it for a second realizing that he hadn’t thought of how he was going to give it to Matteo without having to see Matteo. 

Before having to dwell on it for too long he hears the front door open meaning Laura was home and that was as good an excuse as any to decide that that problem was one for future David to solve.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

David has scrapped his planned schedule for Thursday and is trying to ignore the voice in his head telling him that he is sabotaging himself again. 

All night he had been thinking and dreaming about delivering the drawing to Matteo. In his dreams he confidently walked up to Matteo’s apartment and rang the bell with the drawing in his hand. Matteo was always there smiling at him and he wasn't angry and he took David in his arms and everything was all right. When he awoke from those dreams it was always with an initial glow of warmth before the reality of his situation would settle in and more practical solutions started coming to mind.

He knew if nothing else he would have to go to Matteo’s apartment. What he would actually do with the drawing once he was there was still a very significant question.

Still without that question answered he was pushing himself to leave the house. To take the bus to Matteo’s. And to have the bravery to actually leave the drawing. 

Amidst all the thoughts of delivering the drawing there is a quiet whisper that maybe once Matteo gets it everything would be all right. Maybe he would be able to forgive David. Maybe it would be the opening he needed to come out to him and then Matteo would understand why he said what he said and did what he did.

David is pushing those thoughts down because they were giving him flashes of hope that he knows aren’t possible. 

When he leaves the house he has his bag with him with his sketchbook and math textbook. He knows himself well enough that this isn’t going to be a quick expedition. He’s going to need some time to psych himself up before he can actually do what he needs to do. 

He gets on the bus to Matteo’s apartment and decides that he’ll first stop at a cafe nearby to collect himself. He finds a cafe a couple of blocks away from Matteo’s place and settles himself in with a coffee and a sandwich making it look convincing that he’s just in the area having some lunch while he studies. 

He opens his math book and does start studying while eating, trying his hardest not to check the time constantly. Once he has finished eating he forces himself to sit there studying for another half an hour before the nervous energy surging through him gets too much. 

He collects his things and grabs the envelope out of his bag. He has been very careful to make sure it hasn’t been creased or bent in his bag. He wants to make sure it’s pristine by the time Matteo gets it. 

He slowly starts walking towards Matteo’s building. He’s pushing himself forward with every step, overcoming his nerves that are trying to get him to run away.

When he finally gets to Matteo’s building he doesn’t know what to do. He was hoping that access to the mail would be on the outside of the building so he could just drop it in but it isn’t. He stands there feeling kind of dumb. He could ring the buzzer but that would be taking too big of a chance. It was enough that he was standing outside of his building right now, he definitely wasn’t going to take the extra chance of ringing and Matteo being home and seeing him. He knows if he sees Matteo right now he would have to give an explanation that he isn’t ready to give yet.

As he’s standing there mulling over what to do, an older woman comes up to the door that David knows can’t possibly be one of Matteo’s roommates. 

“Can I help you?” the woman asks when she sees David.

“Uh, do you live in the building?” The woman eyes him suspiciously and he rushes to continue gesturing to the envelope in his hand, “I need to drop something off for my friend but no one’s home. He lives in one of the apartments on the second floor.”

He hopes she believes the partial lie and tries to give her the most honest and open expression he can.

“Oh the apartment with all the kids? The ones who have loud parties?” She looks slightly annoyed at the thought.

David gives her an apologetic smile, “Uh, yeah. Do you think you could put this with their mail? I would be really grateful.”

She gives him a wary look before softening slightly when she looks down at the envelope. David is holding it with such care and apparently must look so desperate she takes it from his hand and gives him a smile, “Yes of course I can dear.” She pats his arm as she turns toward the door. She unlocks it and before stepping inside turns back to David, “just tell those friends of yours to keep it down. Not everyone in this building appreciates the loud thump of dance music late into the night.”

David laughs slightly, “I’ll be sure to let them know. Thank you so much.”

When the door to the building closes David is surprised with how easy that was. He could have kissed the woman when she appeared for providing the perfect solution to his problem. 

He turns to make his way back to the bus stop to head home. Now that the drawing was out of his hands he could get back to his planned activities. He would just have to wait and see whether he would get any response from Matteo once he got it.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

It’s been 24 hours since he left the drawing at Matteo’s building and David has obsessively been checking his phone ever since. He’s hoping to see a message or a post to Matteo’s Instagram that might give him any indication that he received it. 

He’s starting to think that the woman took the drawing from him and just threw it away.

He opens Instagram for what feels like the millionth time that day and finally sees a post from Matteo. It’s one of his #florenzifriday memes that he has captioned ‘Back on Track’. David smiles at it because the meme is totally Matteo’s stupid sense of humor. He also feels better because the meme and the caption seem to wipe the complete silence of the rest of the week away. David is hoping that the message is meant for him, letting him know that he got the drawing and that it did fix at least some of the things David broke the week before. 

If it is really true that he may have managed to start fixing things with Matteo, he needs to come up with how he can fix it further. He’s been trying to ignore it all week, but he still wants Matteo more than he thought it was possible to want another person and this week without him has just solidified that.

He has to figure out how to get Matteo back and he knows that part of that is coming out to him. This week of silence and hurt with the looming question of whether Matteo actually would accept him for being trans couldn’t possible be preferable to the rejection that David has feared so much. At least if he told Matteo and he rejected him, David would know that there was no possibility for them to be together and he could start moving on. Where they were now, it was just pure torture.

He decides that writing out what he wants to say is probably best. Every time he’s around Matteo all sense just leaves him and he can never manage to say what he means to say.

He needs to be clear. He needs to be honest.

He’s also thinking that it might be better to send what he wants to say in a text instead of doing it face to face. David hates texting because he normally wants to see how what he is saying is being absorbed by the other person, but this…he doesn’t know if he can look at Matteo’s face when he says it. 

He opens the Notes app on his phone to start drafting out what he wants to say. He starts and stops over and over. 

Does he start by saying he’s sorry? Or does he just jump right in? Does he try to explain what being transgender means for him to get Matteo to understand? Or does he just bluntly say, ‘I’m transgender’ and leave it at that?

He finally decides to start by saying he’s sorry and that there’s something about him that he has been scared to tell Matteo, but that he trusts him and doesn’t want to push him away anymore.

As he’s writing the screen is interrupted by a call coming in. David is feeling incredibly vulnerable with what he's pouring out in the text so jolts at the interruption. He looks at who’s calling and sees MOM.

David just stares at his phone as it’s ringing in his hand. 

He’s stunned. He hadn’t heard from either of his parents since he had moved out. He knows that Laura spoke to them occasionally, but he had had no contact. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to open that line of communication back up. They had both failed him so completely in the past couple years. 

He sits staring at the phone ringing for so long that it just stops ringing and the Notes app appears again on the screen. He feels a pit forming in his stomach. 

Why would his mother be calling him now? Had something happened to his Dad? Had she finally come to her senses and wanted to apologize for failing him as a parent?

The phone dings and an alert appears on the screen ‘Voicemail’.

With shaking fingers he presses on the alert and the voicemail opens. He puts the phone to his ear and hears his mother’s voice, “Oh, um, hi. Hi. I was hoping to catch you…I know it’s been a long time since we spoke…but…um…Passover starts tonight and I know it’s last minute but your father and I were hoping that you would come with Laura for Seder…It would be very nice to see you…Ok, well let me know if you can come. Bye.”

When the message ends David is storming out of his room. He can’t explain it but he’s pissed. He finds Laura sitting on the couch in the living room reading a book, “Did you have something to do with this?” He shakes the phone in her face.

Laura looks up from her book stunned. “What’re you talking about?”

“So Mom just randomly called me and invited me to Seder without your intervention at all, huh?” 

“What? Mom called you?” she grabs the phone from his hand and looks to see the voicemail. Without asking she clicks it and holds the phone to her ear.

David is feeling irrationally angry. 

When Laura takes the phone away from her ear she looks confused. “I swear I didn’t have anything to do with that.” She seems to think for a moment, “That’s a good thing isn’t it? It seems like they’re wanting to try.”

“Wanting to try?” David is almost yelling. “Try what? Try loving their son? Try accepting him for who he is and loving him unconditionally like they’re supposed to?” Hot tears start streaming down his face.

Laura jumps up from the couch and wraps David in a tight hug, “Hey, no, sorry. I’m sorry. I know.” She’s smoothing one of her hands over his back while the other is crushing his body against hers. “I just meant that maybe they’ve realized that they were wrong and they’re trying to fix it.”

David is fully sobbing into Laura’s shoulder. He can’t speak but wants to scream. Why did they get to decide when or how to accept him? It wasn’t fair. 

They stand with David crying and Laura holding him trying to soothe him for awhile. When he feels like he can breath again he starts pulling away from Laura’s embrace.

“I’m sorry. I just…it just…” he flops down onto the couch. He feels miserable. “it hurts.”

Laura sits down next to him, “I know. None of this is fair David. You shouldn’t have to deal with any of it.”

“Why do I have to be this way?” David tries never to have this thought. It usually leads him down very dark paths, but he can’t help himself now. He can’t help but think if he wasn’t trans he wouldn’t have problems with his parents, he wouldn’t have an issue being with Matteo. It was the cause of all his problems.

“What way?”

“Transgender”

Laura looks at him sadly, “I don’t know, but it’s not something you can help being. I wish I could take it away solely so you wouldn’t feel this way, but no one can…I don’t know what else I can say.” She takes hold of his hands and squeezes. 

They sit in a heavy silence for a couple minutes. 

“How about I call Mom back and tell her that she and Dad can fuck off for now and then I’ll order us some pizza. They can take their Seder meal and shove it. We’re going to have all the leavened bread money can buy.” Laura gives him a tentative smile. 

David nods slightly but can’t make himself smile at her attempt at levity.

She gets up from the couch and goes into her room. A minute later David can hear the muffled sound of her slightly raised voice coming through the door. After a couple minutes she emerges with a flushed face and a false smile. 

“Ok, what do you want on the pizza?”

“Whatever you want,” he mumbles. He can’t even pretend to lift his mood. This week had been hell but he’d started to think it was turning around before the call. Now he was feeling more miserable than he’d felt in a long time. He supposed that his problems were too big to fixed in one week. He was pretty sure this was just his new norm.


	7. Making Amends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David has been having a really hard time but he's finally working towards fixing everything he ruined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thanks everyone for reading. This chapter took me way longer to write than usual (life has a way of getting in the way). Hopefully there won't be quite as long of a wait for the next chapter.

Despite all of Laura’s attempts at distracting him from every terrible thing in his life and trying to make him feel better, David can only manage to stay with her in the living room for a little over an hour before excusing himself to his room. 

He curls up on his bed and lets the pain he’s feeling wash over him, though he can’t seem to cry anymore. He feels hollowed out. 

He wants Matteo. 

He wants to bring himself back to a couple of weeks earlier when he had Matteo in his arms and he felt happier than he'd ever felt in his life. He wants to hear Matteo’s voice and see his crooked smile. He misses him more than he thought he could ever miss anyone.

He picks up his phone and opens his message thread with Matteo. He thinks maybe just messaging an ‘I miss you’ might help. But then he sees that last terrible message he sent him and knows that he can’t do that. 

He lays his phone back down and feels the misery of longing fill him up.

He doesn’t know how long he lies there but the pain and misery have been overtaken by a numbness. He feels like the shell of a person. 

He looks at the time and sees it’s well past two in the morning but he doesn’t feel tired. He may feel numb but that isn’t stopping his mind from racing. He gets up from his bed and sits down at his desk needing to distract himself. 

He starts drawing and writing all the things that are racing through his head keeping him from sleep. Page after page he writes out every thought he has and draws out every image that flashes through his mind. His fingers are dark with charcoal smudges but he starts feeling the hollowness being filled.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

There’s a light knocking that wakes David from his sleep. He opens his eyes and is surprised to find himself still sitting at his desk. He groggily sits up feeling like his head is filled with rocks and his neck is going to be permanently stuck at an angle.

He doesn’t have the energy to get up to open the door so just calls out, “Yeah, I’m up.”

“Can I come in?” Laura’s voice is quiet and tentative.

“Yeah…”

Laura slowly opens the door and peeks in the room. “Sorry for waking you. I just wanted to see if you’re all right.” Concern is covering her features.

David turns in his chair to look at her, “Not really, but it’s fine.” He manages a weak smile.

Laura comes more fully into his room and sits on the corner of his bed, “It’s not fine, David. Will you talk to me please?” David can tell she's trying to hide her worry but it’s making her voice have an edge of pleading to it. 

He doesn’t know where to start. What to say. “I just don’t know what to do.”

“Will you let me try to help you figure it out?” Laura is looking at him with uninhibited love and care. The hollowness that he was feeling in the early hours of the morning disappears with that look. 

He nods. “I could use some help I think,” he says as he gets up from his chair and crosses over to sit next to her on the bed, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and burying his face in her neck. His next words come out muffled, “I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”

Laura starts smoothing his hair, “Then let’s figure out what you can do to make it stop.” She sits with him for a minute before shifting to extricate herself from his embrace and turns to face him. “I’m going to make us some breakfast and then we’ll get down to it, okay?”

David feels the first huff of a laugh he's had in days escape him at his sister’s forthrightness. “Ok.”

She pats his knee twice quickly before standing up and walking out of his room. He has the thought yet again that he doesn’t know what he would do without her. 

He scrubs his hands over his face a few times trying to clear the sleepiness away before following her into the kitchen. As David enters he can see that she must have already started getting breakfast ready when she came to his room. She has pancake batter already ready and the coffee has been brewed. 

Seeing the effort she’s put in already makes him feel guilty, “Is there anything I can do?”

Laura looks over at him as she grabs the bowl of pancake batter, “No, just sit down. Everything will be ready in a couple minutes.”

He reluctantly sits at the table knowing that there really isn’t anything he could do to help, especially in their tiny cooking area. She pours some batter into the hot pan, then pours some coffee and brings it over to David.

“You know you don’t have to wait on me, right?”

She just smiles at him with that same look of complete love and affection that makes David feel so safe. He sits sipping his coffee, watching her cook, and realizes that he’d been thinking that he’d lost everything in his life and that he was completely alone. But he was so wrong. Laura was here. Laura would always be here. He was loved because of and despite who he was.

As she lays his food down on the table in front of him he feels the love he has for her just overflow out of him and it hits him that he has never actually let her know how amazing she is, “I love you Laura.”

She looks a little stunned as she sits down, “I love you too David.” Her smile is brilliant and her eyes start misting with tears.

“I just realized I never tell you that, but I do and I don’t know what I would do without you.” 

“David, you know that I’ll always be here for you.” The tears start slowly spilling down her cheeks. 

David feels himself choking up. He gives his sister a small smile, “I know.”

They sit in silence while they eat, the proclamations making it hard to have a casual conversation. Laura’s tears were thankfully only temporary. Once they both finish David gets up and gathers their plates to clear the table.

“I thought we were going to talk.” Laura is looking at him over her coffee cup.

“Uh, yeah, we are.” He makes his way back to the table and starts fiddling with his own nearly empty cup.

“So…” Laura looks at him expectantly.

David doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know where to start. There are so many things that need to be fixed. He just shrugs.

“Would it help to list off everything? Or would that make you feel worse?” David has had his whole life to get used to it, but Laura’s bluntness always catches him off guard. In times like this though he appreciates it because it makes him think about things logically instead of emotionally, which is something he really needs right now.

“Uh, I guess listing would work.”

“Ok, so there’s the phone call situation from yesterday and Matteo, right? Anything else?”

“Well..I guess I’m stressed for my abi, and I think I lost all my friends also.”

Laura raises one hand in the air and starts counting off, “Ok…so parents, Matteo, friends, abi. Yes?” 

David can only nod. When she puts it like that it seems like everything and nothing at the same time. 

“Ok, so first let’s do the easiest. What are you stressed about for your abi?”

“Well I still have my math and PE exams and I’m worried that I may not pass them. I’ve been so distracted and came into the classes so late that I’m worried that I’ll miss something.” He decides to leave out the part that he’s worried that Mr. Neuhaus won’t grade him fairly because that'll just make him angry again and he needs to try to keep his emotions in check if he hopes the solve any of his problems.

“I’ve seen you studying for your math exam, and let me remind you that you’re really good at math, so don’t psych yourself out on that. You still have a couple weeks to revise everything so I have all the confidence that you’ll do fine. As for PE, I’m still completely baffled why you decided you wanted to do Advanced PE because that seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me, so I can’t help you there because I don’t even know how you prepare for a PE exam, but you are strong and capable so I think you’ll do fine. If you’re really worried about being prepared for either of them I can help in any way I can.”

He smiles at her, “Thanks. I’m sure you’re right.”

“Look at us, solving problems.” She winks at him, “Ok, next…friends?”

David nods and shrugs. He can’t look at Laura as he says, “So…you know I really only had two friends, Leonie and Sara, and…well…Matteo broke up with Sara to be with me…and I don’t know if she knows that that’s the exact reason, but I assume that she’s probably figured it out. And I ditched Leonie to be with him and I haven’t talked to her since…so yeah, I’m pretty sure I don’t have those friends anymore.” 

Laura is silent which causes David to finally look at her to see what kind of expression is going along with the silence. There’s a deep frown between her brows. She’s clearly trying to figure out what the best thing to say is.

“Hmm…well…when was the last time you talked to either of them?”

David thinks for a second. Time has felt funny lately. Everything seems like it was such a long time ago. He counts back and is surprised at how little time has passed, “About two weeks ago.”

“And no contact since?”

“Well Leonie texted me a few times the first week, but I didn’t know what to say back.”

“What did the texts say?”

“Just kind of general asking me what was going on, why I had left without saying anything. She tried to call when I was with Matteo and Sara tried to call him at the same time, but that was the day after we ditched them.” Every time he thinks about how they just left both girls a couple weeks earlier he feels terrible.

“I’m assuming you would still like to be friends with them. That you feel bad about what happened.”

“Of course I do. It was so shitty. But I can’t imagine that they’d want to be friends with me again.”

“I wouldn’t just assume that David. I think you should text Leonie at the very least and apologize. That will require you to figure how much you want to tell her, but from my limited experience meeting them, they both seem like really sweet girls who genuinely liked you, so I really feel like if you’re honest, you’ll be forgiven.” 

“I don’t know…”

“At least consider it. It’ll be super awkward I’m sure, but you can’t just give up on a friend because you messed up. Let them decide whether they want to forgive you or not.”

He knows she’s probably right. Plus none of Leonie’s texts had been particularly angry, just more confused and probably a little hurt. He has to admit to himself that he’s really missed her the past couple weeks. “Ok, I’ll try. I’m terrible at texting though, I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”

“That’s not a problem, I can definitely help you with that.” She smiles at him brimming with confidence. “Great, two down…”

“Yeah, two to go…” David’s face falls as he says it. Because the two to go aren’t so simple. 

“Right…so Mom and Dad…or Matteo?”

David sits back in his chair. He tries to never think about his parents, but hearing his mom’s voice on his voicemail yesterday pretty much forced them to the forefront of his mind. He can already feel the mix of emotions associated with them welling up. He quickly forces thoughts of them aside and pictures Matteo’s face. He’s surprised by how calm he feels thinking about him. 

“Umm, Matteo I think.”

Laura’s eyes widen almost imperceptibly, clearly surprised that he would rather talk about Matteo now when he’s basically refused to say anything about him in the past week. “Ok…so…Matteo…”

“Yeah…I’ve been thinking that I might be ready to tell him.”

“Really? I think that’s great. Have you talked to him at all since last week?”

“Well I drew him a picture and left it at his house the other day.” He can feel his face heat with the blush that he’s sure is coloring his cheeks. 

“You what? When did you do that? What do you mean you left it at his house? What was the picture of?” Laura looks genuinely shocked, “Did you hear back from him? ”

He doesn’t know where to start with the barrage of questions she just rattled off. “Uhh…well…the picture was kind of a drawing of me…but it’s kind of hard to explain. But I wrote ‘it’s not you it’s me’ on it because I didn’t want him to think that anything is wrong with him…and…umm…he didn’t write me back or anything but he posted on Instagram.”

“He posted it on Instagram?”

David looks at her for a second confused by the question, “What? No. He normally posts on Instagram a couple times a week, especially always on Mondays and Fridays, but he hadn’t posted anything all week and I left it for him on Thursday and he posted again on Friday.” As he’s explaining this to Laura he’s feeling stupider and stupider by the second. Why did he think Matteo posting on Friday had anything to do with him?

Laura looks confused now, “So you think Matteo posting means he liked the drawing?”

He feels a rush of embarrassment and can’t maintain eye contact with her as he shrugs and says, “I don’t know…maybe.”

“I mean it is possible.” There’s a beat of silence before Laura continues, “but regardless, I think it’s a good first step that you tried to let him know that you didn’t mean what you texted him. Have you thought about what you want to do next? How you want to tell him?”

“Well I’ve been trying to write what I want to say. I don’t know if I can tell him face to face. I was thinking of sending it in a message. That way if he does reject me, I won’t have to see his face when he does it.”

“You always mention him rejecting you, but what if he doesn’t? What if it doesn’t matter to him?”

David can’t help rolling his eyes at his sister’s unfailing optimism.

“I’m being serious David. He could very likely be fully accepting of you and just be happy to know why you pulled away. I don’t want to tell you how I think you should come out to him, but would it be easier to have a conversation in person rather than over text? I mean the last time we talked about this you couldn’t even imagine texting it to him.”

David remembers screaming at Laura just over a week ago that texting him that he was trans would never work when she suggested he try to explain to Matteo why he needed time. But he’s had all week to think about it and has convinced himself that it would be better to not have to say the words out loud.

“I know I said that, but that was before he came to the door and I freaked out. I just don’t know if I could make myself say it if he was right in front of me. But do you think it’d be a bad idea to send it to him before I hear anything back from him? What if he’s mad at me and ends up telling everyone?”

Laura eyes are full of sympathy for him as she takes in what he’s saying. “I mean…it might not hurt to try to open up the lines of communication more before you send it to him. Try to gauge how he’s feeling. But do you think Matteo is the type of person to spread rumors or tell other people things like that? Even if he’s mad?”

“No, I don’t…but he has three really close friends who he spends all his time with…and he lives with a girl we go to school with…and…well…I don’t know what he’s told them about us.” He thinks for a second before going on. He can’t really imagine Matteo telling other people something in a malicious way but, “I don’t know if he’s mad whether he would vent to them and end up telling them. I don’t think he would do it to hurt me but maybe if he was frustrated.”

“Then I would definitely try to get in contact with him again before you send it. Maybe apologize…or I mean, I don’t know if you necessarily have to apologize because this all started with you trying to tell him you needed time and that’s totally fair, but maybe let him know that he means something to you. Just make it clear.”

“Hmm,” David knows she’s probably right. The prospect of telling Matteo how he feels is scary though. “Ok, I’ll try to think about what I can say.”

Laura gives him a soft smile, “So…does that just leave one more thing?”

He can tell that she’s nervous to even bring it back up. He feels slightly overwhelmed tackling everything at once like this. But he knew sitting and wallowing in his room wasn’t helping and he had asked for her help. He just nods in agreement.

The room grows quiet. Laura is looking at him expectantly, clearly waiting for him to be ready to start talking about the one thing they never talk about.

He clears his throat before he’s able to speak, “So, Mom called yesterday.”

“Yes she did.” Laura takes a beat. “I know you were upset by that. And I know that Mom and Dad aren’t perfect parents…”

David can’t help but roll his eyes and huff out a breath at that.

Laura continues, pretending that she didn’t see the reaction, “but they do miss you. They ask about you every time I talk to them.”

He starts to feel angry again and interrupts his sister from saying anything more, “Oh they miss me? They ask about me? Come on Laura, that is literally the bare minimum they can do! How about asking for me to come home and actually apologizing for making me feel like they were ashamed of me and that something was wrong with me? How about admitting that they were shitty to make me feel like I deserved to be bullied and treated like shit? Or allowing my teachers to belittle me? How about loving me unconditionally because I’m their child?”

Tears are streaming down his face and he’s yelling by the time Laura reaches across the table and takes his hand which instantly pulls his attention back from the spiral he was descending into.

“I know, I’m sorry. And when I called Mom back last night I told her that if she ever wants to contact you again, it would need to start with an apology.” She squeezes his hand assuring him that she has his back. 

He takes a few breaths knowing that getting angry at Laura for the hurt and frustration he feels towards their parents is unfair. He continues much quieter, “I just don’t know how I can talk to them or see them again. It hurts too much to think about how I felt living with them. They made me feel like such a disappointment.”

Laura’s eyes are shining and it looks like she’s taking a moment before responding to stop herself from crying. “All of that is completely unfair, and no one is ever going to force you to have a relationship with them ever again if that’s what you want.” 

When David doesn’t respond she gives him a questioning look, “Is that what you want?”

He thinks for a minute. “I don’t really know what I want, but the idea of seeing them right now is too much.”

“Ok, so do you want me to talk to them more? Make it clear that they shouldn’t contact you until you say you’re ready?”

“Yeah, maybe. I mean it’s still pretty fresh. I need some time.”

Laura gets up from her seat at the table to come around to where David is sitting and leans down to wrap him up in a hug. She presses her face into the top of his head and mumbles out, “You have all the time you need.”

When she pulls away and stands up, he looks up at her and sees her face wet with tears. He stands up to fully give her a hug. “Thank you.”

They stand holding each other for a moment, David feeling some of the pain and emptiness he was feeling in the past week being swept away.

He pulls back and she steps away. She puts a hand on his shoulder and waits for him to look her in the eye. “Do you feel any better? I know that was hard.”

“Yeah I do,” he musters the best smile he can. “Thanks for breakfast and talking. I’m going to go study now if that’s ok.”

She moves her hand from his shoulder to his cheek and gives him a fond smile. “Of course. And you know that I’m here to talk any time.”

He manages another weak smile, hugs her quickly once more, and heads back to his bedroom.

As he closes the door to his room behind him he feels emotionally overwhelmed but somehow he does feel better. Hearing his sister’s thoughts and opinions on his problems made them seem much more manageable. 

He makes his way over to his desk and slumps down in his chair. Being that emotionally vulnerable was exhausting. 

He starts grabbing his math textbook but before he does, he looks down at his sketchbook which is still sitting open from the night before when he was pouring everything out into it. He flips a few pages looking at what he had been writing and drawing. 

He sees the drawing he did of the silhouettes of Adam and Eve from Only Lovers Left Alive and remembers that when he was drawing it he was thinking of how Matteo’s light was able to drag him out of darkness. He grabs his phone from where he’d left it sitting on his side table the night before and takes a picture of the drawing to post it on his Instagram. 

After he posts it, he smiles slightly thinking that it’s like he just shared a secret with the world about his feelings for Matteo, only he’s the only one who knows what it means.

He closes the sketchbook and opens his textbook. He knows that he still needs to figure out how he’s going to get Matteo to talk to him again, and how he’s going to apologize to Leonie, but after that conversation with Laura he’s maxed out on thinking about any of that today. He’ll bury himself in exam revision, leaving the emotional weight of everything else behind.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

On Sunday morning, possibly sensing that Saturday had maybe been too much for David after the last couple weeks, Laura knocks loudly on his door and yells through for him to stay in his pajamas because today was going to be a movie and junk food day. 

He’s initially annoyed at being woken up by his sister so rudely, but ends up smiling because they haven’t had an all-day pajamas and movies day together since Laura was in high school and they had been his favorite days when he was younger. He gets out of bed and pulls on a hoodie which he doesn’t consider as getting dressed in any way and goes out to find Laura setup on the couch in the living room.

There’s a full spread of pastries and coffee, clearly meant to be their breakfast, alongside chips and candy and cookies. 

“Oh good, I wasn’t sure if you heard me.” Laura looks up at him when he enters the room.

“How could I not have heard you, you pounded on my door and started yelling.” David is trying to sound annoyed but is having a hard time suppressing a grin.

“Well we’ve got a lot to get through today, we can’t waste precious time sleeping in.”

David laughs, “What do we have to get through?”

Laura angles her computer so he can see it from where he’s still standing beside the couch, he can see she has selected Sixteen Candles. “The films of John Hughes of course. With a chaser of the anti-John Hughes 80s classic, Heathers.”

“Isn’t Sixteen Candles super problematic?”

Laura rolls her eyes, “Well yes obviously, but like Jake Ryan is hot so let’s go, take a seat, no more time to waste.”

David sits next to her on the couch and grabs the coffee nearest him and a pastry, while Laura sets the computer down and presses play.

They continue sitting there all day going from one 80s classic to the next. They’ve been laughing and commenting through every one. As they finish Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Laura gets up from the couch.

“Where are you going?” David is suddenly worried that the warm bubble he’s been living in today is going to burst, that she has better things to do.

“I’m going to get some actual food before we start another movie, all this junk food is making me feel gross. Just give me a second.”

He shakes his head at himself. The day had been her idea, why would he think she would ditch it. 

As he’s waiting he pulls out his phone and opens Instagram. He doesn’t follow that many accounts but likes the latest posts by Jim Jarmusch and Greta Thunberg, trying to delay clicking on the story he sees that Matteo has posted. 

When he finally opens it he sees Matteo’s roommate Hans showing that whatever he is cooking them for dinner isn’t ready yet. He feels a little letdown as he was hoping that he was going to get to see Matteo’s face, but as the the next story starts his wish is fulfilled when Matteo flips the camera over to front-facing and David presses his finger on the screen of his phone freezing the frame so he can look at Matteo’s smiling face for a little longer. 

He’s missed that face. 

He lets it play so he can hear his voice too and laughs at the silly accent that Matteo is using in the video. When he sees that the next video in the story is not Matteo, he clicks back to watch the previous one again. He finds himself doing it over and over not noticing when Laura comes back in the room.

“What are you watching?” She leans over him to see what’s on his phone screen.

He quickly turns off his phone, feeling embarrassed that he was just caught obsessively watching the same video over and over again. “Uh, nothing.” He’s definitely blushing.

“Was that Matteo?”

“Yeah, it was just an Instagram story.” He rushes to change the subject, “What movie are we watching next?”

Laura lets him get away with the obvious brush off. “I know I alluded to Heathers as the last movie, but I feel like we should break it up and do a Heathers palette cleanse before continuing with John Hughes, thoughts?”

“Sounds good.” 

They settle back into the couch and start the movie, David loving literally every second of it. 

By the end of the day he’s feeling so content he can almost forget that the last couple weeks even happened. Almost.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

In between studying on Monday and Tuesday he’s been going back and forth between trying to figure out how he’s going to get Matteo to talk to him again and trying to figure out what he can or wants to tell Leonie to apologize to her. 

He’s managed to work himself up again with the same stupid thoughts that neither one of them will want anything to do with him after the way he treated them both. He’s started and stopped writing texts to both of them what feels like hundreds of times. On Tuesday afternoon he’s just plain mad at himself. Cursing himself for being this way. Being such a mess.

When he’s managed to get himself so worked up to the point of not being able to focus on studying anymore either he grabs his phone and opens Instagram, thinking about how seeing the video of Matteo on Sunday had made him feel better.

The first thing he sees when it opens is a post by Matteo. It's a selfie of Matteo looking super cute with his friends behind him. David clicks the like button. Maybe if Matteo sees him liking his posts and watching his stories he’ll know that David is still thinking about him. 

He’s also posted a story which David opens and sees a number of stories of the boys playing ping pong but one part makes him pause. Matteo is leaning up against his friend Jonas and Jonas has his arm wrapped around Matteo’s head and looks to be kissing the top of it. It’s soft and sweet.

Seeing the image makes something flare up inside him that’s hot and jealous. He knows rationally that it’s a sweet picture showing how much Matteo’s best friend cares about him, but all he sees is another boy kissing Matteo. No one else should be kissing Matteo but him. He’s seeing red. He feels like there’s a feral animal in his chest trying to claw its way out. 

He wants to look away from the image but it isn’t leaving the screen and Matteo looks so vulnerable he mesmerized. He realizes that the image is frozen on the screen because he has his finger pressing on it pausing it from continuing. He releases his finger and the image changes to one much easier to look at where one of Matteo’s other friends is in the foreground and Matteo is on the other side of the ping pong table. 

He puts his phone down feeling that he’s been somehow betrayed. The logical part of his brain is being completely drowned out by the screaming jealousy. He realizes that it isn’t only the picture of Jonas kissing Matteo but also the clear camaraderie he has with his friends. David’s never had that before and it fuels the jealousy.

He pulls out his sketchbook and starts flipping through the pages looking for an image he remembers drawing the other night when his feelings were screaming like they are now. He turns the page and sees the snarling animal he drew and immediately recognizes it as the thing he feels in his chest. He takes a picture of it and posts it to his own Instagram.

Once it posts he flings his phone onto his bed and buries his head in his arms on the desk. He feels like he can’t take a full breath. He wants to scream. He wants to find Matteo and his friends and yell at them. Tell them that it isn’t fair that they have each other.

He feels so lonely.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

On Wednesday he’s calmed down again, feeling foolish for getting so upset the day before. 

He realizes that he got so upset because he doesn’t have any friends that he can just hang out with. He resolves to figure out what he’s going to text Leonie today. After his meltdown because of Matteo yesterday he thinks better of focussing on him for now.

He decides that telling her everything that’s happened in the last few weeks right off the bat might not be necessary, but he feels like maybe he wants to come out to her. He wouldn’t open the communication to her with it, but if she agreed to meet up with him he would be okay telling her. Once he’s made that decision he’s actually surprised with his himself that what he swore he wouldn’t do with anyone at this school now seemed less scary with Leonie. 

He doesn’t think she would see him any differently, and it would be nice to have a friend who he doesn’t need to hide around. 

He opens his message thread with her and sees the last texts from her from a couple weeks earlier,

\- I don’t really know what’s going on  
\- I tried to call you  
\- Is something going on with Matteo?  
\- Could you just explain? I’m so confused.

He hadn’t looked at them since she sent them and he was right to remember that she didn’t seem mad. He feels so bad as the hurt and confusion is obvious.

He takes a breath and starts writing,

\- Hey Leonie. Sorry I didn’t answer you before. I didn’t really know what to say. I’m sorry for just leaving and not saying anything to you. I’m sorry that I was a bad friend. 

He looks at the message reading it over and over. He thinks it gets across how bad he feels. He hits send.

Once it appears in the thread he thinks of something he wants to add,

\- I know you’re probably busy with exam revision and everything but if you want to at some point can we meet up?

He hits send again. 

He feels nerves start buzzing through him. He puts his phone down so he doesn’t just stare at it waiting for her to reply. He hopes she’ll reply. Hopes that she’s understanding.

He tries to focus on his math revision but realizes he needs to do something with his hands to get out the nerves. He starts drawing and becomes lost in the pencil lines and shading. 

He doesn’t know how long it’s been when his phone buzzes beside him. He picks it up and sees that Leonie has answered him.

\- Hey David. I wasn’t sure if I would ever hear from you again. Are you ok?   
\- ps - I don’t think you’re a bad friend…  
\- Well not anymore at least. 

David feels relief at the words. He needs to think about what to write back. He wants to be honest and open with her.

\- Actually I’ve been having a bit of a hard time lately. But I’ve missed you. And I really am sorry.

\- :(   
\- I don’t know if I can meet up this week but do you want to meet up next week some time?

\- I would love that  
\- Just tell me when and where and I will be there  
\- And I promise not to leave unexpectedly again :S

\- Ok  
\- I’m going to hold you to that  
\- I’ll text you once I figure out when I have time

\- Thanks Leonie :)

\- Thanks for writing me back finally and apologizing

There’s a brief pause where typing bubbles keep appearing and disappearing. David doesn’t want to interrupt whatever it is she’s trying to say. Finally the message comes through,

\- I missed you too

David feels like a weight is lifted from his shoulders. He’d been so sure that Leonie would never want to speak to him again. He ends the conversation simply,

\- 💛

The relief is palpable. Hope blooms in his chest that maybe everything would end up being ok. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Now that he's managed to start fixing things with Leonie he feels a little more confident about how things might turn out with Matteo. 

It doesn’t change the fact that he’s still struggling with how to open communication with him again. He’s getting frustrated and starts flipping through his sketchbook trying to distract himself. 

He finds the picture he’d drawn the day before and is surprised to see that he’d unwittingly been drawing someone who looked similar to Matteo wearing half men’s clothes and half women’s. He remembers that he’d been thinking about coming out to Leonie and wondering whether she would still see him as David or think of him as being a girl in boy’s clothing, so is not sure why he drew someone who was more Matteo than himself.

He stares at the drawing for awhile wishing he didn’t have to hide who he is. That he could be honest and automatically accepted by everyone. He decides to share this, maybe someone would see it and it would help them understand him a little more. And by someone he may or may not be thinking of one particular someone.

He takes a picture of it and posts it on his Instagram. 

After he posts it he realizes that he has a flag for notifications in the app. He didn’t turn on notifications when he created his account because he hates his phone buzzing all the time, so he doesn’t know how long they’ve been sitting there. He clicks to see what is there and is shocked. Sara liked his post from two days before and Matteo liked the one from the weekend. 

He can’t quite believe it. 

Sara’s like completely confuses him. He can’t tell whether her liking the post means that she isn’t mad at him or whether because she liked that post that was so full of pain and anger that it means the opposite. Did her like mean she was glad he was in pain? He hopes not. 

Matteo though. Matteo liked the image of Adam and Eve. He’d told David that he’d watched the movie, so did that mean he understood what the picture means? 

David instantly starts feeling nervous. He doesn’t want to read too much into it, but the hope that has been kindling in his chest since his texts with Leonie is starting to burst into full flame. 

He needs his sister’s input. Needs to know whether he’s just blowing this out of proportion.

He finds her at the kitchen table with her computer out in front of her while she’s eating her lunch. She looks up when he walks in and gives him a smile but looks back at her computer without saying anything.

“Uh, Laura, are you busy?”

“Kind of, I’m trying to finish editing one of my final papers. What’s up though?”

“Oh, it’s not important, it can wait.” He turns to walk back out of the kitchen when she stops him.

“David, stop. I told you that I’ll always be here to talk. What is it?”

He slowly turns back to her, spinning his phone in his hand. “I need your opinion about something. It’s kind of dumb though.”

She smiles at him as she says with a laugh, “Well most of what you say is dumb so I’m used to it by now.” 

David scoffs but still loves how his sister teases him. “You’re very funny.”

The smile she gives him is full of fondness with a teasing twinkle in her eye.

David huffs out a breath as he takes a seat at the table and pulls up the picture on his phone. “So I posted this on Instagram on the weekend.” He turns his phone to show her the post. “It’s meant to be the two main characters from Only Lovers Left Alive, it’s actually pretty much a re-creation of a frame from the movie.”

“Is that that vampire movie you made me watch awhile ago?”

“Yes…so I told Matteo that it’s my favorite movie and that he should watch it some time. So a few weeks ago he let me know he’d watched it…and well…he liked this post. He hasn’t liked anything else I’ve posted since…well you know…what do you think it means?”

Laura quirks an eyebrow at him, “What do YOU think it means?”

David starts blushing, “Well I was thinking that maybe he understood that it was a post meant for him. I posted it thinking about how he…” He’s too embarrassed, he can’t go on.

When it’s obvious he’s not going to finish the thought Laura says, “He what?” 

She keeps staring at him and he can’t keep looking at her. As he casts his eyes down he mumbles out, “How he is the light that brings me out of the dark.”

Laura actually awws at that. “That’s so sweet David.” She reaches out for his hand that’s resting on the table so that he looks back up at her. “I don’t know if that’s the reason he liked it, but in my opinion, I think it does mean something. I mean the fact that he’s still following you on Instagram is enough to make me sure he isn’t mad at you.”

David feels himself roll his eyes slightly. Not really sure if he’s buying his sister’s certainty.

“No seriously David. When my last boyfriend and I broke up I stopped following him on everything within hours. I was done with him. I didn’t want to see anything else that he might say or do. The fact that Matteo is still following you means that he still wants to know what’s going on with you. All is not lost.”

“Yeah but I still don’t know how to get him to talk to me again. I’ve been trying to figure out what to say or do all week but I can’t figure it out.”

Laura thinks for a moment, “I’m assuming you’ve been trying to figure out what to write him?”

David nods his head.

“Well then maybe another drawing? But not posted to Instagram. Send him something directly. Lets him know that it’s meant for him. Make sure it’s clear that you’re thinking about him and that you miss him and don’t want to lose him. Something that’s personal to the two of you.”

“Yeah, that could work.” He gets up from the table feeling a bit more sure of himself, “Thanks. I’ll let you get back to your work.”

Laura smiles at him, “Literally any time.”

As David walks back to his room he starts thinking about what he can send to Matteo that would fulfill everything that Laura suggested.

He sits down at his desk and starts thinking about every conversation he and Matteo have had. Their very first conversation comes to mind and David instantly knows what he’ll do.

He pulls out his computer and gets to work.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

On Friday afternoon David is incredibly impressed with himself. He has created a small looped animation of himself and Matteo in a car driving off to Detroit. 

Watching it play over and over again he feels confident that it gets across that not only is he thinking about Matteo but that his idea of a perfect dream is running away together. Matteo and David together always.

The only reason he hasn’t sent it yet is because he doesn’t know if he should say anything else when he sends it.

There’s a knock at his door. He gets up from his desk to see what Laura wants.

“Hey, what’re you doing tonight?” 

David cocks his eyebrow at her at the ridiculousness of the question, “What do you think I’m doing tonight. Nothing as usual.”

She smiles at him, “Great because we’re going out.”

“Out where?” 

“A bunch of my friends are getting together for drinks and you’re coming.”

He’s legitimately surprised, he’s never been invited to hang out with Laura’s friends before. “Um, why am I coming?”

“Because there’s no reason for you to sit at home. My friends are gonna love you and it won’t hurt for you to get out of the house.”

“You’re sure they won’t mind you bringing along your little brother?”

“Why would they? It’s not like you’re a leper. Just don’t wear that stupid dinosaur shirt you have and everything'll be great.” The teasing smile he knows and loves comes back.

“Well I guess I’m not coming then because that’s my party shirt.” David teases back. 

“Ha ha. I’ve got wardrobe approval anyway so too bad. You’ve got three hours to get yourself ready before we leave, okay?”

He mocks exasperation, “Fine.”

Laura reaches up and ruffles his hair and bounds away from his room.

As David turns away from his door he realizes he should have asked Laura about sending the animation.

He decides he’ll do it later and starts trying to prepare himself for a night of socializing with people he doesn’t know. He feels nervous at the prospect. He isn’t used to meeting new people.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

David feels like his heart is in his throat as Laura tells him their stop is next. It’s the same bus stop that he would get off to go to Matteo’s place. Why the universe is against him and made the place where they’re meeting her friends just down the street from Matteo’s is beyond him. 

As they get off the bus David feels like his legs are made of lead.

When Laura realizes he isn’t keeping up with her she turns back to him and says, “What are you doing? It’s this way. Come on.” She comes back to grab his arm, “What’s wrong?”

David looks down the street that leads to Matteo’s place, “This is Matteo’s street.”

Laura looks in the direction he’s looking, “Oh my god. I forgot.” She pauses for a moment. “It’ll be fine. Are you worried you could run into him? Because if so I don’t think that would be the worst thing in the world.” She gives him a reassuring smile.

He takes a deep breath, “You’re right. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

They walk over to the bar that they’re meeting her friends, David feeling like his eyes can’t stop scanning the area for a mop of messy blond hair.

When they get to the bar they make their way over to a booth that's full of Laura’s friends. When Laura introduces David they all seem to be genuinely happy to meet him.

After they’ve been there for about an hour and a half conversation somehow turns to David’s current predicament with Matteo. Not all details have been shared but everyone has been brought up to speed that David told Matteo that he didn’t want him and that that was a complete lie. 

When Laura mentions her suggestion from the day before that he send Matteo another drawing everyone at the table agrees that that might be a good first step.

David pulls out his phone, “I’ve actually put something together to send him, but I don’t know…”

All faces at the table turn to him and a couple people quickly respond, “Show us!”

He opens the animation and turns his phone so everyone can see.

There are a lot of oohs and ahhs.

One of Laura’s friends look at him, “Why Detroit?”

David blushes, “It’s kind of an inside joke.”

Every eye at the table softens as they redirect their attention to him.

The same guy smiles at David and asks, “Why haven’t you sent it yet? It’s great.”

“Thanks.” He feels like his face is on fire. “I don’t know. I didn’t know if I should write something too.”

Laura looks confused, “I thought we decided the point of drawing something was so you didn’t have to think about what you needed to say. You were going to let the picture speak for itself.”

Everyone around the table is nodding. The girl sitting across the table from David says, “Yeah I think you should just send it as is. See if he responds. And if he doesn’t then I would say use words.”

One of the other girls at the table nods in agreement, “Yeah, if I got that from someone I liked I would be so happy. Like it’s so personal and to know that it was made just for him. I don’t think words are necessary.”

David is feeling bolstered by their support. “Ok, I’m going to send it.” He opens Matteo’s message thread and attaches the animation. He hits send and looks up at them all, “Ok, sent.”

Everyone at the table gives a little cheer. It makes David laugh slightly but he instantly feels nauseous. What if they were all wrong? What if Matteo didn’t like it? 

Conversation at the table has turned towards what others have done to let someone know they like them. David can’t stop looking at his phone to see whether Matteo will write back. With each passing minute he feels a pit growing in his stomach. 

After about ten minutes of trying to ignore his phone and re-engage in the conversation happening at the table, he gives in and looks at his phone and sees a typing bubble pop up on the screen. David gasps out, “Oh my god.”

Everyone turns their attention to him with Laura being the first to ask, “What?”

“He’s writing something.” He looks up to see hopeful faces directed his way. 

He looks back down and sees the bubble disappear. He feels his heart sink.

The girl across the table asks, “Well what did he write?”

“Nothing. He stopped writing.”

Laura gives his arm a squeeze, “I’m sure he’s just trying to figure out what to say.”

The typing bubble appears again followed quickly by a text,

\- Stop sending me drawings if you don’t want to be together with me.

David feels sick. How could Matteo not know that he wants to be with him? The drawing clearly didn’t work. He feels like he may cry.

Clearly looking stricken Laura squeezes his arm again, “What is it?”

“He answered.” He’s trying his hardest not to cry in front of all these people.

A couple people at the table say in unison, “What did he say?”

David lifts his phone to show them all, feeling a heaviness in his limbs. 

There are a few quiet sounds uttered between everyone at the table.

One of the guys who hasn’t said much all night pipes up, “Dude, you need to talk to him.”

There’s a chorus of agreement at the table. 

“Like text him? Call him?” David’s unsure it’s the best advice.

“No, you need to talk to him face to face. It sounds like he wants to be with you.”

“Oh!” Laura exclaims, “You should go to his place. He lives just down the street. Show him you’re serious.”

This starts everyone in enthusiastic agreement. Everyone is talking at once. 

David’s feeling overwhelmed by everyone’s input but hears himself agreeing.

He gets up and grabs his coat not at all feeling confident about just going over to Matteo’s place. “Are you sure I should do this?”

Laura stands up and hugs him to her side, “It’s a grand gesture David! You're going to show him how much this means to you. You'll be fine.”

Supported by everyone’s encouragement David heads out of the bar towards Matteo’s place. He’s determined. Under the consuming nervousness he’s excited also. He’s about to see Matteo again. He misses him so much it physically hurts. 

He gets to Matteo’s place in a matter of minutes and, before thinking better of it, presses the buzzer for Matteo’s apartment.

After what feels like an eternity the intercom comes to life and Matteo’s voice comes through, “Hello?”

David feels his mouth go dry. He clears his throat, “Uh…hi…it’s me…David.”

There’s silence. His mind starts racing. Why is he here? What if Matteo doesn’t let him in? 

After a moment Matteo’s voice comes back through, “Uh, hi.”

“Umm…could I come up?”

There’s silence again and David feels like all the air is being sucked from his lungs.

The intercom crackles, “Uh, yeah. Yeah.” After a second the door buzzes.

David pulls open the door but stands frozen for a minute. Fear is pulsing through his veins. He has no idea what he’s going to say or do when he gets up to Matteo’s place. 

He takes a breath trying to get his blood flowing again and starts slowly walking towards the stairs up to the apartment. Each steps feels like he’s walking through quicksand. 

As he reaches the stairs he hears a commotion and the sound of footsteps moving up the stairs above him. There’s the sound of hushed voices and some giggles. It occurs to him that maybe Matteo wasn’t alone. 

He trudges up the stairs cursing his sister and all her friends for pushing him to be here. 

When he gets to the top of the stairs Matteo is standing in the doorway to his apartment waiting for him. He can hear someone shush someone above him and it confirms that they aren’t completely alone. 

Matteo looks like the best thing David has ever seen, but he also looks sad and kind of nervous. David doesn’t know what to say. All he wants to do is get closer to Matteo but holds himself back because the look Matteo is giving him seems so unsure.

“Hi,” Matteo's voice is so quiet.

“Hi.”

He doesn’t know what to do, Matteo doesn’t look that happy to see him. He can’t stand in the hall anymore though and Matteo isn’t moving from where he’s standing in the doorway, so he moves to enter the apartment feeling Matteo’s eyes follow him the whole time. 

He comes inside and Matteo closes the door behind them. David doesn’t want to make any assumptions that he’s totally welcome so stops just outside the kitchen before entering the apartment any further. Matteo turns from the door and walks over to stand a couple feet away facing David. 

Nerves and fear are overwhelming David. He tries to give Matteo a small smile but Matteo doesn’t have any warmth in his eyes. He looks so hurt and he just keeps staring at him.

The look that Matteo is giving him echos all the hurt and pain he’s felt in the past couple weeks. He never wants to see Matteo in pain and now he knows for sure how much pain he caused. He feels terrible.

Matteo isn’t moving and David can’t take it anymore. He wants some comfort and can’t stand that there’s so much distance between them.

He takes a couple steps forward and when Matteo doesn’t move away he feels like it's a tiny victory. He leans his forehead against Matteo’s and feels Matteo press back. A silent acknowledgement that he wants this too.

All David wants to do is kiss him but as he starts leaning in he stops himself and drops his head down onto Matteo’s shoulder. He knows that if he starts kissing him he’s not going to be able to stop and he knows that where that would lead can’t until he tells Matteo the truth. 

Matteo reaches up and wraps his arms around David’s shoulders and pulls him in tight. 

Although they haven’t said a word to each other David knows everything that Matteo is feeling. He hears the ‘I missed you’ and the ‘Why did you hurt me’ in the embrace. 

He presses a kiss to Matteo’s shoulder and squeezes around his waist. He doesn’t want to leave Matteo’s arms ever again.

They stand holding each other for a while. David can feel Matteo’s steady heartbeat against his chest and he feels tears start coming to his eyes.

He turns his head and mumbles into Matteo’s neck, “I’m sorry.”

Matteo only responds by squeezing him tighter.

David doesn’t know how much time has passed when Matteo starts pulling away. He keeps his arms around David’s shoulders and looks at him with red rimmed eyes. When he finally speaks it’s barely a whisper, “Do you want to stay?”

David’s eyes soften and when he responds his voice sounds choked, “Always.”

Matteo gives him a small smile and pulls aways while taking his hand and leads him to his bedroom. 

He takes off his coat and lays it down on one of Matteo’s chairs as Matteo closes the door to the room. The room is dark with only the light from the street coming in. 

Matteo crosses over to his bed and sits down on the edge. David joins him and takes Matteo’s hand. He doesn’t know what else to do. This all feels so overwhelming.

Matteo, looking down at their entwined fingers, says so quietly, “I’ve missed you.”

David leans into him, “I’ve missed you too.”

Matteo looks up at him, “Is it okay if we just go to sleep? I just…I’m really tired…I haven’t been sleeping very well.”

David slightly smiles and nods, “I haven’t been sleeping very well either.” 

They look into each other’s eyes and it’s clear that both of them mean the same thing. 'Haven’t been sleeping well because of you.'

Matteo shifts himself back onto the bed and lies down. David lies down next to him wanting so badly to curl up into Matteo but knows he needs to let Matteo decide how close they’re going to be. 

Matteo reaches out and takes his hand. He doesn’t move from lying on his back and says into the dark, “I’m really glad you’re here.”

David squeezes his hand, “Me too.”

It’s quiet then and David lies there feeling every emotion he thinks exists. He knows they have so much to talk about, but all he cares about is that right now he’s lying in bed next to the boy he loves and he doesn’t ever want to leave.


	8. To Be Known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David finally comes out and mends some relationships.

David is dreaming. 

He’s lying in bed with Matteo and Matteo is running a hand through his hair and caressing his face so softly it feels like a whisper. He never wants this dream to end. He wants Matteo to be touching him. He wants to be lying next to him forever.

David suddenly realizes that he’s not dreaming. His eyes are closed but he isn’t sleeping. Matteo is right next to him caressing him so softly it breaks his heart. He doesn’t open his eyes though. He isn’t ready yet to end this time with Matteo and he knows that as soon as he opens his eyes and looks at him it will break the spell and he’ll have to tell him. But he’s not ready yet. 

He also can’t handle how Matteo’s touching him without touching back though, so he rolls away…away from the touch…away from Matteo. He instantly feels the loss. 

He feels the bed slightly dip behind him before feeling Matteo’s hands slide around him. One around his ribs and one nudging against his neck. He shifts slightly to let the hands move farther. Matteo’s arms wrap around him, pulling his body in close behind. He feels warm breath on his neck as Matteo takes hold of one of his hands he has clenched near his stomach. 

He feels so safe. So cherished. How is he going to do this? He doesn’t want to lose this. He doesn’t want to lose this tender, loving boy. 

He’s both the happiest and most miserable he’s ever been in his life. 

He doesn’t know what time it is, but thinks it must be early. He barely cracks open his eyes and sees the early morning light just starting to brighten the room. Much too early to be getting up. But David can’t sleep anymore. He’d been so exhausted when he got here last night. The two weeks without Matteo had been the worst of his life. All he’d wanted once he got here was to lie down with Matteo and sleep. And he had. He’d slept deeply and soundly. But now he was awake and it was far too early to have the conversation he knew they had to have. 

As he lies there a little longer he can feel Matteo’s breathing even out and the arms around him relax slightly. Matteo must have fallen back asleep. David doesn’t want to move and disturb him but he wants to see his face. He wants to look at him more before he tells him. After a few minutes he shifts slightly and Matteo stretches and rolls away, releasing David from his embrace. David takes the opportunity to roll over and open his eyes wider seeing that Matteo is in a deep sleep. 

He marvels at how beautiful Matteo is. Even in sleep with his mouth slightly open, he is the most beautiful person David has ever known. 

He wants to brush the hair off his forehead and feel the softness of his skin, but he doesn’t want to risk waking him up. So he just lies there looking at him. Trying to memorize every inch of his face. 

After a while Matteo rolls over again burying his face in his pillow. David takes it as a sign that the obsessive staring needed to stop. But now he’s lying there feeling anxious and unsettled. He starts feeling restless as the anticipation of Matteo actually waking up starts hitting him. 

He slowly and carefully gets out of bed, being careful not to jostle Matteo. He wants to grab his phone, so he steps lightly over to the chair where he’d left it in his coat the night before. As he picks up his coat he feels the familiar urge to just take it, grab his shoes, and leave. He starts bending over for his shoes when he hesitates. If he leaves now he knows that he’ll lose Matteo forever. That there will be nothing he can say to ever make up for it. 

He straightens and pulls his phone from his coat pocket. 

The screen illuminates and all he can pay attention to is the notification for a message from Laura that simply says,

\- Well ???

He hopes that because there were no other messages from her that she wasn’t worried about him. She probably assumed that everything was perfect and wonderful and that was why David hadn’t come home. 

But he feels as far from perfect and wonderful as possible. When he glances over at Matteo’s sleeping form things do brighten somewhat, but David can’t quiet the thoughts screaming in his head that it’s time. He needs to tell him and then he'll know one way or the other what his fate is. 

He can’t look at Matteo anymore. He feels a war raging inside him when he does. Part of him wants nothing more than to climb back into bed with him and wrap himself around him, the other part wants to go running from the room and never look back. 

Because he knows neither side can win right now, he goes and stands by the window as far away from the door as possible but allowing him to have his back to Matteo in an attempt to block out the intense want he’s feeling. 

He starts running through how he wants to start, what he wants to say. He absentmindedly sticks his phone in his pocket but can’t stop grasping it. He knows he has everything he wants to say written out on it. Maybe pulling it up and reading it to Matteo would be best. When he wakes up, telling him he needs to tell him something and make him sit down while he reads what he wrote. 

He’s so lost in thought he doesn’t hear the quiet rustling and groan coming from behind him.

“Already awake?” Matteo’s sleepy voice is low.

David turns his head and sees Matteo looking at him from the bed. He feels frozen in place and can’t make himself say anything in reply. He turns back towards the window feeling the fear and anxiety shoot through him. 

Matteo exhales a breath and asks, “Is everything all right?” 

That question is too big for David to answer. He’s cursing himself. He can’t even bring himself to pretend anymore. Everything is amazing and terrible at the same time. But everything is definitely far from all right.

He hears a shuffling behind him and the sound of Matteo getting up out of bed. The floorboards creak as Matteo comes up behind him. 

“Hey.” Arms wraps around his waist as Matteo rests his chin in the crook of his neck. “What’s up?”

Matteo’s voice is so soft. So full of love and care. David’s heart is shattering into a million pieces. How can this boy treat him so tenderly when he treated him so poorly? 

When David still doesn’t answer, Matteo follows it up with a quiet “Hmm?” that vibrates through David’s chest.

He finally forces out “Nothing” as he rolls his eyes at himself because he’s lying again. 

Matteo lifts his head very slightly and David can feel his lips graze his neck. It sends a shock through his system but before he lets himself enjoy it, he turns away out of Matteo’s embrace.

He needs to put some space between them. He starts stepping away from the window as Matteo’s arms fall to his side and he asks with an edge of pain in his voice, “Do you want to talk with me?”

As David turns his back on Matteo again he knows that he’s hurting him. By being silent and closing him out, he’s pushing him away. He knows that that question actually meant ‘Why won’t you talk to me?’

He closes his eyes and steels himself knowing that it’s now or never. He needs to say something. 

He takes a breath and turns back to Matteo seeing him look concerned and more than a little frustrated.

Seeing that look makes him freeze up for a second. His mind is racing trying to think of how to start telling Matteo everything. All the stressful and terrible things that happened lately start crowding their way to the front of his mind. He’s trying to focus on what he wants to say, something that would make Matteo understand how hard this is.

He has a flash that maybe mentioning one of the associated painful things to start would help. 

“I had an argument with Mr. Neuhaus.”

“What happened?” As Matteo asks the question David shakes his head realizing this isn’t right. It’s not the way, it would require too much explanation. 

He feels the urge again to leave. This is too hard. He looks over toward the door and starts saying, “I think I should…”

Matteo interrupts him with a flash of anger, “What? Run away again? Just piss off again?”

Matteo is looking him right in the eye before pushing past him to sit on the bed. The gentleness and care of a minute earlier is gone, all of the suffering he caused Matteo is evident. He can’t leave. He can’t hurt Matteo like that again. 

He takes a deep breath before starting to make his way over to join Matteo on the bed. He pulls out his phone before sitting down and is staring at it trying to will himself to say what he needs to say. When he looks up at Matteo he sees the pain and hurt on his face and knows that what he has to do now won’t minimize that.

He takes a second before starting, taking a breath, forcing himself to be calm. “I’ve got something on my phone…that I can read to you…or I’ll send it to you…”

Matteo interrupts once again, clearly mad, “Or you can just tell me.”

David looks at him, he knows he’s right. He needs to say the words. “Yes. You’re right.” He feels like there’s a lump in his throat. He swallows the panic he feels rise up, “Umm…so the…” He’s struggling with saying the right thing, “most boys…they are…simply boys. And girls too.” He is somehow managing to keep his eyes on Matteo and is slightly disheartened to see that Matteo looks confused. “Umm…but sometimes it’s just different.”

Matteo fidgets slightly with his hair and starts scratching lightly at his neck as he looks at David and says, “Umm, what?”

David can tell he’s confused by what’s he’s saying but it’s clear he wants to understand. He has Matteo’s full attention.

He takes another breath and closes his eyes. He forces himself to look back at Matteo to say what he has been so afraid to say, “I was born in the body of a girl. But I’m a boy. I…” the words feel thick in his mouth. He can see a slight dawning of understanding coming to Matteo’s face but he needs to make it clear. He needs to say it, “I am transgender.”

Matteo isn’t looking at him anymore. He seems a little uncomfortable. He shifts slightly, scratches at his neck again. “Umm…Sorry, I…I don’t know what to say.”

“That’s totally ok.” David had been so worried that he would be rejected by Matteo once he said it, that this quiet, nervousness emanating from him is hard to process. He supposes that if he doesn’t know what to say that’s understandable.

Matteo is thinking so loudly and the confusion is sketched in every contour of his face. “That means…you’re a…”

David cuts him off before he can say anything more. He knows what he was about to say and he can’t bear to hear Matteo say it. “No, I’m not…” He thinks about how he can say this that it will make sense. “I am a boy. I just have to try a little harder.”

There’s a beat of silence after that. Matteo huffs out a breath and shakes his head. He looks flustered and frustrated. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

David feels the stress of this conversation eating at him. He lifts his eyes from Matteo when he starts feeling the familiar burn of tears in his eyes. He tries to remain calm, he takes a breath but when he speaks his voice has become shaky. “I didn’t want to tell anybody at school. And then…then I got to know you. And…” How can he explain this? He understands that Matteo feels like he was lied to. He knew he was lying all this time. “I don’t know, I missed the right moment.”

Matteo has stopped looking at him again. David can’t really decipher the expression on his face, but it looks kind of like Matteo is doubting what he’s saying. He realizes that he needs to be as truthful as possible right now. Even if being vulnerable is the worst thing in the world to David, he needs to allow himself to be vulnerable if he hopes to keep Matteo. 

He says what he could never imagine saying out loud, “But I really like you.” 

There’s a hint of a smile on Matteo’s face at the words and Matteo looks at him again. David doesn’t let himself get too sidetracked at the look, the hope it gives him.

“And…I don’t want…” tears feel like they’re threatening again. David shakes his head trying to clear the feeling, “to ruin…”

Suddenly the door to Matteo’s room opens interrupting David. Matteo’s roommate Hans and another guy, both dressed in wigs and leopard print, burst in laughing as Hans loudly says, “Sorry for the disruption.” And the other guy says “Wrong room, eh?” as the stumble out again both clearly still drunk from their night out.

David stares at the closed door for a second in disbelief that that just happened. He turns his attention back to Matteo and sees the sad confusion has returned to his face. David’s never felt so frustrated. He felt like he was finally getting out what he needed to say and about to open up the ability for Matteo to finally respond but it’s like the spell was broken. There was now just awkward silence.

He doesn’t know what else he can say. He wants Matteo to say something but he’s just sitting there silently. Maybe if he tries to leave Matteo will stop him, “I think I should go.”

Matteo almost imperceptibly shrugs his shoulders, but looks David in the eye. He sees pain there, so David can only assume that he wants him to go. He gets up from the bed and walks over to where his coat and shoes are laying near the chair. Matteo hasn’t moved from his spot.

David makes his way over to the door and before he opens it he says with all the hope he can muster especially with Matteo’s back turned towards him, “Contact me. If you want to.” He sees Matteo start slightly nodding his head as he says it. 

He opens the door and walks out of the room feeling like a weight is going to drive him down through the floor. He feels dazed and so incredibly sad. 

He leaves the apartment and starts making his way toward the bus stop. He pauses so many times to turn around and go back to the apartment and force Matteo to tell him what he’s thinking, but he keeps seeing the sadness and confusion on Matteo’s face in his head that he stops. He knows Matteo. He knows that he takes time to think. That he needs time to process. He just dropped a bomb on him. He’s going to need some time to recover. 

As he gets on the bus home the whole conversation starts running through his head. He honestly doesn’t know if it went well or not. He didn’t say anything how he meant to say it, but Matteo hadn’t told him that he didn’t want to be with him and he hadn’t seemed disgusted which was the biggest fear that David had had. 

By the time he walks into his own apartment he feels like he’s run a marathon. He’s emotionally exhausted. 

The door to Laura’s room is thankfully still closed which must mean she’s still sleeping off her night out. David goes into the kitchen and grabs a glass of water before going into his room to close himself away. He knows he should probably talk to Laura about what happened, she always helps him sort through his thoughts, but he feels so spread thin he needs quiet. He needs to sit with the enormity of what he just did and figure out what to do next.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

David is surprised when he wakes up to his phone buzzing and sees that it’s Sunday morning. He doesn’t really remember falling asleep when he got home but realizes that the stress of the morning with Matteo must have overwhelmed him so much that he just passed out.

He rolls over and grabs his phone hoping that the buzzing is a message from Matteo but feels an immediate letdown when he sees that it’s from Leonie instead.

\- Hey David!  
\- Did you still want to meet up sometime this week?  
\- Like maybe tomorrow?

He stares at the messages for a minute making himself read them over and over again to really let it sink in that they’re the only messages he’s received and that there isn’t anything from Matteo. Forcing down the complete disappointment that it’s been 24 hours and Matteo still hasn’t reached out at all, he writes Leonie back. 

\- Tomorrow would be great  
\- Coffee?

Meeting up with Leonie would at least give him something to do if Matteo’s going to be silent. And although he’s still not sure whether he would count his coming out to Matteo as a success, he knows now that he can say the words and feels like he’s ready to confide in Leonie. It would be nice to have a friend who he can be completely open with and he feels like Leonie could be that person.

\- Ok. How about at 1100 at Blattgold?

\- Perfect. I’ll see you there.

\- 👍

He drags himself out of bed feeling pangs of hunger and realizes that he hasn’t eaten since Friday night. He grabs his door handle and takes a deep breath before opening his door in case Laura is there, ready to get all the details that he’s still not sure he’s ready to give. 

He peeks his head out the door and doesn’t hear a sound in the apartment. He quietly makes his way to the kitchen and sees a note from Laura on the counter. She’s gone out to run some errands and didn’t want to bother him but expects a full report when she gets back. 

David isn’t sure he wants that, so he rushes to make himself a couple sandwiches. He eats one quickly and packs the other one away to take with him because he figures his best bet is to be out of the house when she gets home so he isn’t forced to break down the whole conversation with Matteo. He scribbles a quick, ‘I’ve gone out’ note for her, goes to his room and grabs his bag, sketchbook, and phone and is out of the house within minutes. 

He doesn’t know where he’s going to go, but he decides to just get on his bike and start riding. The exertion is doing a good job at distracting him from the melancholy that seems to be ever present. He rides for a long time before he realizes that he's biked himself back to the abandoned building where he kissed Matteo for the first time. 

He stops outside the gates and stares at the large complex for awhile trying to talk himself out of going back inside. He gives in and leaves his bike locked up before scaling the gate again. 

This time there is no wandering around the grounds, he knows exactly where to do go to get in. As he slides down into the basement and pulls out his flashlight he remembers the small smile on Matteo’s face the last time he was here. The wonder he felt making that smile appear. 

He shakes the image out of his head and starts heading towards the exit from the basement. His steps are echoing as he slowly starts exploring more of the building than he did the last time he was here. There’s a peacefulness in the silence of the place and he starts feeling like he’s the last person left on earth. It’s an oddly comforting feeling. 

He eventually makes his way back to the pool, lowers himself in, and pulls out his sketchbook. He starts drawing and the next thing he knows the room is darkening. He looks up and sees through the high windows that the sun must be going down. He pulls out his phone to look at the time and sees that it’s way later than he realized. He grabs his stuff to head home. 

The day in the quiet building has managed to quiet his mind. As he gets on his bike to head back home he starts thinking about Matteo, as usual. The thoughts are much less confused then they had been at the beginning of the day. He’s now glad that he finally told Matteo. The hiding and lying had been killing him. Now Matteo knows and if he doesn’t want to be with him because of it, he would be sad and probably a little angry, but at least he would know one way or another.

At least he would know...if Matteo ever decides to contact him again.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

David is early as usual to meet Leonie, so he grabs a table near the back of the cafe.

He’s trying to distract himself on his phone so he doesn’t just stare at the door waiting for her to come in. He keeps returning to the post that Matteo made for his matteomonday which is of a sandwich grill. He smiles every time he looks at it. If Matteo didn’t intend it as a message to him he’d be shocked. He’s about to hit the like button when he sees movement at his side and hears Leonie’s voice, “Oh hey. Sorry I’m a little late.”

David looks up to see Leonie smiling at him. “Hey!” He looks at the time on his phone and sees that it’s only 1103. “You’re not late, I’m just literally always early.”

He gets up from his seat and gives her hug. She squeezes back and David is so happy that she seems to have truly forgiven him. 

“I didn’t want to get anything until you got here. What can I get you?”

“Oh, um, just a tea and maybe a cinnamon bun if they have one.”

“Great. Have a seat, I’ll be right back.” David heads to the counter to grab them food and drinks.

As he’s waiting for their order to be ready he looks back over at her sitting waiting for him and he feels nerves start creeping in. He treated her so poorly, he wants to explain why and that wasn’t going to be easy.

He brings everything back over to the table and as he sets her mug and plate down in front of her she smiles up at him and he notices that it looks a little strained.

He sits down and clears his throat, “Leonie, I just want to say again, I’m so sorry. I was so shitty. I never meant to do anything that might’ve hurt you, and if…”

Leonie cuts him off before he continues on what he was starting to feel was a spiraling rant. “David, it’s ok. I mean, I would’ve liked it if you’d talked to me and told me what was going on, but I’m not mad at you.”

David feels a weaker smile than he would have liked come to his face. “Thanks. I missed hanging out and talking to you. I’m really glad you’re not mad at me.”

The smile she returns seems more genuine than before. She’s quiet for a minute though as her expression changes. She seems to hesitate for a second before saying, “So…um…is there something going on with you and Matteo?”

He feels himself flush at the mention of Matteo’s name. His face is on fire. Even if he doesn’t say anything he knows that it’s obvious what the answer to that question is. “Uh…” he feels the words caught in his throat, he clears his throat again, “I mean…yeah…or I don’t know right now.”

“Oh. So when you two left Abdi’s party together…”, there’s a quiet sadness in her voice.

David can’t even look at her, he just nods his head. “Sorry.”

She reaches across the table to squeeze his hand. “David, you don’t need to keep apologizing.” He looks up at her then and sees that she means it. “I mean, Sara and I were pretty pissed when we saw that you guys had left but our anger was really directed at Matteo because well…it’s Matteo.” She smiles and laughs a little at that.

“What’s wrong with Matteo?” 

Leonie smiles more fully now, “Uh, what’s not wrong with Matteo?”

He laughs. “Nothing if you ask me.”

She rolls her eyes. “I swear, I will never understand the powers that boy has.”

David laughs again and shakes his head. 

When he stops laughing he sees Leonie giving him a scrutinizing look. “What did you mean that you don’t know if you’re together right now? Did he do something stupid?”

“Umm…no he didn’t. It’s kind of complicated.” He knows this might be the perfect moment, but something is nagging at the back of his mind. “What do you have against Matteo?”

Leonie’s eyebrows shoot up, “Matteo? I wouldn’t say I have anything against him. I’ve just known him forever and I don’t know…” She thinks for a moment before continuing. “Do you know his best friend Jonas?”

“Yeah he’s in my math class.”

“Right. So Jonas and I used to be together…and so I spent a ton of time with Matteo. Like he was always there. And I don’t know, I guess their relationship always kind of made me jealous because Jonas loves him maybe more than anyone and so I knew I wasn’t getting all of my boyfriend’s attention. And Matteo would be such a little shit all the time, which drove me crazy, but like I also knew that he was one of the best people ever under all of that so I could never hate him. But then Sara decided she wanted to be with him and he didn’t treat her well at all. But I guess I know why now. So…yeah.”

David just hums slightly taking in everything she just said. “Do you think I’m dumb wanting to be with him?”

“Oh god, not at all. He’s just a bit of a mess is all. But he's genuinely one of the best people I know. And you’re also one of the best people I know, so…you know, if you like each other I think that’s amazing.” 

He smiles a little ruefully at that. “Yeah…I don’t know if he still likes me.”

Leonie’s expression quickly changes to concern, “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t he like you?”

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He’s ready. He can do this. “Well, I told him something about me the other day. Something I hadn’t told anyone, and I don’t know if he still likes me.”

He opens his eyes again and sees her looking at him with overwhelming concern, “What was it?”

His mouth goes dry. He grabs his mug and takes a sip before forcing himself to say it. “Umm…I’m transgender.”

“Oh,” Leonie’s expression can only be described as one of complete surprise. “I had no idea. Sorry I don’t know what to say.”

David huffs out a little laugh at that, “Yeah that’s what he said too. I haven’t told anyone else. So, um, can you not tell anyone?”

“Of course…I would never…thank you for telling me.” She smiles at him and grabs his hand again. 

Relief floods through him. He squeezes her hand back. “I hadn’t wanted to tell anyone at school, and it was…it was the real reason I transferred in so late. Umm…things hadn’t been great at my last school. But, well, I kind of had to tell Matteo because things were getting kind of serious, and I wanted to tell you because you’re my friend and I…well I didn’t want to lie to you at all anymore.”

Leonie smiles at him while still holding his hand, he sees tears start rimming her eyes. “I’m so glad you told me and I’m so sorry that things were bad for you before. I promise I’ll do everything I can for you.” She thinks for a second, “So Matteo, did he not take it well?”

“I honestly don’t know. He kind of didn’t react at all. And then we were interrupted by one of his roommates and I left telling him to contact me when he’s ready, but it’s been two days and I haven’t heard anything from him. But then he posted his matteomonday thing today and I don’t know what to think.”

Leonie pulls out her phone and opens Instagram to see what David is talking about. She turns her phone towards him and asks, “Do you mean this? What does this have to do with anything?”

David starts telling her everything about him and Matteo starting with the first time they talked outside the abi prank meeting. She stops him a few times to clarify when things took place and what Matteo said or did during different parts. 

“Hmmm. Well knowing Matteo, the fact you haven’t heard anything yet isn’t too surprising.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I mean, you could ask him what color the sky is and he would take a full five minutes to think about the answer.” They both laugh slightly at that. “But based on everything you said, I do think today’s post is to let you know that he’s thinking about you. He’s probably super nervous about saying the wrong thing, because let me tell you, I’ve heard that boy say the world’s dumbest things. I think it’s a good sign. If he’d responded earlier it would’ve meant that he didn’t like you and didn’t want to be with you, but the fact that he hasn’t means that he’s trying to figure everything out.”

“Hmmm,” David isn’t totally convinced.

“Seriously David, no one even knew that Matteo liked boys until you, and he only finally admitted it to Sara last week, so I’m sure that he’s just overwhelmed. I bet you anything you’ll hear from him in the next couple days.”

He’s still skeptical at her confidence but feels a little better that she’s so sure. She has known Matteo for a long time after all, maybe she’s right.

“Yeah, here’s hoping. I’m so distracted by it all I don’t know how I’m going to concentrate on passing my math exam on Friday if I don’t hear from him by then.”

Leonie laughs. “Oh god. Exams, I am so not ready. Why do we have to have a two week break between exams, I’m going to die.”

They both start laughing and talking about how terribly their exam prep has been going. 

David feels so free and light by the time they leave the cafe. They’ve agreed to get together on Wednesday to help each other prepare for their PE exam. 

They give each other a crushing hug outside the cafe. As they’re pulling away Leonie says, “Let me know if Matteo doesn’t get back to you before Friday and I’ll go kick his ass. He’s weak and I can take him.”

David laughs loudly imagining tiny Leonie kicking Matteo’s ass and knows that she could totally do it. “Will do. See you on Wednesday.”

Leonie smiles the most brilliant smile at him before turning away with a wave and a “Sure thing.”

On his walk home he marvels at the feeling of having a friend like Leonie. He hasn’t felt this good in a very long time and he knows that at least with her he doesn’t have to worry anymore about it going away.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

The silence from Matteo is getting oppressive so David is forcing himself to focus on studying for his math exam. On Tuesday he shut himself in his room all day to cram all the information he possibly could, feeling like every hour is slipping past him. 

When he goes into the kitchen on Wednesday to grab some snacks before heading out to meet Leonie, Laura is there. He realizes that he has somehow avoided seeing her since getting home on Saturday. It had been intentional on the weekend, but unintentional the past two days and he feels bad.

“Hey, I thought I was never going to see you again. If I hadn’t heard you moving around in your room I would’ve called the police to report a missing person.”

“Haha very funny. I’ve just been busy.” 

“Yeah sure. Is it ok if I ask about how it went with Matteo?” Laura is looking at him with such uncertainty.

“Yeah, I don’t totally know but I’m just waiting for him to reach out to me. I told him and he didn’t react badly, but we were interrupted and it’s a lot and I don’t really want to talk about it right now, but after my exams I promise I’ll tell you everything ok?”

She pulls him into a hug, “Of course.” She pulls back and looks him right in the eye, “I’m proud of you.” She gives him a kiss on the forehead before dropping her arms and stepping back.

David blushes and feels tears prick in his eyes. He rolls his eyes to try to push the tears away. He clears his throat before speaking again. “Uh, I’m heading out to meet Leonie to prepare for our PE exam.”

“Leonie? You made up?”

“Yeah and I came out to her and it’s great.”

The smile Laura gives him is blinding as she tackles him with a much more forceful hug than she had just given him. “That’s so wonderful! Oh god I’m so happy.”

When she pulls back David can see her starting to cry. “Ugh, I’m leaving before you start sobbing. I’ll be home later.”

She follows him out of the kitchen toward the front door. Before he leaves he turns back to her, “Love you Laura.”

Laura smiles as more tears start spilling from her eyes. “Love you too bro.”

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

David arrives at the school field early as usual. He isn't sure why he's done this because Leonie has yet to be on time to meet him ever. He’s sitting on the field stretching when he hears laughing coming from behind him. He looks over his shoulder and sees Leonie approaching with Sara.

He instantly feels nervous because he hasn’t talked to Sara since running away from Abdi’s party with Matteo, and unlike Leonie, she has every right to hate David for stealing Matteo away. 

Leonie sees him looking at them and waves, “Hey David!”

As he gets up and waves back, he looks over at Sara and she gives him a tight-lipped smile. “Hey! Hey Sara.” He starts chewing on his lip.

Leonie looks between the two of them, “Oh shit. It’s cool that I brought Sara right? I forgot to mention it.”

“Of course. Just…” he looks at Sara and tries to convey how much he means what he says, “Sara I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way. I hope...well...friends?”

Sara looks at him for a moment before a small smile comes to her lips. “Yeah, friends. And you didn’t hurt me. Matteo did…but he’s gay and I’m not a boy so it was pretty much inevitable any way right?” She laughs slightly at that and David is amazed that she is able to laugh at her own misfortune so easily.

Before he can respond Leonie says, “Yes, completely right.” It’s clear to David that Leonie and Sara have already talked all this through as Leonie gives Sara a look which pretty much says just that. Leonie smiles at them both, claps her hands together, and says, “Right, so let’s get started because you know Neuhaus is going to kick our asses next week on the exam.”

Both David and Sara groan in response. 

They spend the next couple of hours going through different exercises and drills and by the end of it all three of them are exhausted. 

As he’s changing his shoes and packing up his bag Leonie comes over to him and checks to see that Sara isn’t listening before asking quietly, “Has he reached out yet?”

Davis just shakes his head trying not to look too sad.

Leonie squeezes his shoulder before huffing out a laugh, “Well I guess I’ll keep the second thing I have on my calendar for Friday. First math exam, then beat Matteo Florenzi’s ass.”

He laughs and shakes his head. “It’s going to be a full day.”

Leonie laughs loudly at that.

Sara comes over and asks, “What are you laughing at?”

Leonie looks at her still laughing and says, “Oh nothing. Ready to go? I’m starving. David do you want to join us?”

He looks at them both and is acutely aware of how sweaty and gross he feels, “No thanks. I’m going to go home and shower. I’ll see you guys later.”

Both girls smile and start walking away with a wave and a chorus of goodbyes and see you laters.

David pulls out his phone, and almost as though Leonie had summoned him, he gets an alert for a message from Matteo. His heart stops in his chest. He takes a breath before opening the message, hoping that Leonie was right that it wouldn’t be bad after this long.

\- Hey  
\- So, I need a little bit of time to sort my thoughts out. I hope that’s okay.

He re-reads the message a few times trying to figure out if he’s missing anything. To see if there’s a meaning behind the words that he’s missing. But it seems like what Leonie said, he’s overwhelmed and needed time to think. Why he waited all his time to let him know though, David isn’t entirely sure. He tries to figure out what to write back and settles on,

\- It is

Instantly Matteo responds,

\- I don’t want you to think that I’m going to bail on you or something

Relief floods his body. He smiles and replies,

\- I’m not thinking that. Take all the time you need

Finally it feels like he can breath. Matteo isn’t blowing him off. He’s not going to reject him after all. He feels so happy, Matteo makes him so happy. As he starts walking away from the field he wants to make sure Matteo knows how relieved he is. He writes,

\- And thank you for writing this to me

He feels so good he’s almost bouncing with every step toward the bus stop. When he gets on the bus he can barely contain the absolute joy he’s feeling. He pulls out his phone again to open his messages to Leonie.

\- Cancel the ass kicking on Friday. He just texted me.

\- All good?

\- Yeah he just needs some time to sort through his thoughts like you said

\- Yay!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉

\- 😁

Everything seems to be working itself out and David couldn’t be happier.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

It’s amazing what having two of your biggest problems fixed can actually do for your concentration and confidence. No longer were his thoughts plagued by the worry that Sara and Leonie hated him, nor that Matteo would reject him because he’s trans. 

When he sets himself up to study on Thursday he feels refreshed. He’s confident that his exam is going to go well. Laura was right when she reminded him that he’s good at math, there’s literally nothing in his review that he doesn’t know. 

After hours at his desk he starts feeling hunger creep up and he looks at the clock to see that it’s much later than he thought and most definitely time for dinner. He emerges from his room to find Laura just walking into the kitchen herself.

“Oh, are you taking a study break to eat something?”

“Yeah, I’m starving.”

“Great I’ll make us some pasta. How’s the studying going?”

“Good. I think I’m going to do ok.”

Laura beams at him, “I’m sure you will.”

She starts busying herself with putting on a pot of water to boil and cutting up garlic for whatever sauce she’s going to make. David squeezes by her to grab two glasses to pour them both glasses of wine. 

As he sits at the table watching her cook he feels the happiness that has been constant since Matteo’s message just grow. 

“What are you smiling at?” Laura asks him, breaking him out of his reverie.

He huffs a small laugh, “Nothing really. Just happy.”

“Well that’s good.” She smiles and starts humming an unrecognizable tune to herself. 

After she finishes cooking and sits down at the table, David starts telling her everything that happened with Matteo and Leonie. Finally feeling like he can just tell her what’s happening in his life without pressing her for advice. 

After hearing all the details, she says, “So, it sounds like Leonie was right and Matteo was just overwhelmed. When do you think he’ll reach out to you again?”

“I don’t know. Soon I hope, but I’m just glad that he let me know that he needed some time.” David pauses and thinks for a second, “I mean I know that when I told him I needed time it wasn’t because I didn’t want to be with him, it was because I was scared of what to say to him. Leonie knows him really well and she’s sure that he just doesn’t want to say the wrong thing.”

“Which is good, you wouldn’t want him to say something he didn’t mean that would hurt you, right? And I think that shows that he does really care about you, the fact that he wants to make sure that he doesn’t ruin it.”

“Yeah hopefully.”

They sit finishing eating for a few minutes before David taps his phone to see what time it is and realizes he took a longer break than he intended. He still has two more chapters to finish reviewing before tomorrow.

“Crap, I need to go back and finish studying. Thanks for dinner and talking.”

“No, thank you. I thought I was going to go crazy wondering what was going on with you.” Laura gives him a wicked smile as he gets up from the table.

He messes up her hair as he walks past her and runs from the room before she can get up to grab him and get him back.

He hears her laughing and shouting at him as he closes his bedroom door.

He settles himself down again to study and after about an hour his phone starts buzzing on his desk. He looks down and sees that it’s Matteo calling him. 

He feels his heart in his throat as he answers it. “Hey.”

“Hi…Everything ok?” 

The sound of Matteo’s voice makes David feel nervous. “I’m learning for tomorrow.”

“Yeah. I…I wanted to ask if you…would you like it if I picked you up tomorrow? After the exam?” His voice gets quieter and he sounds nervous himself.

Excitement boils up quickly at the question and David tries to sound like this isn’t the best thing ever. “Yes. Of course I’d like that.”

“Cool.”

“Yes, totally.” David can’t stop smiling. 

He hears Matteo’s breath before he responds, “Then, bye, see you tomorrow.”

“Bye.” The call disconnects. 

David jumps up from his chair as adrenaline rushes through his veins. He couldn’t sit still right now if his life depended on it. He’s so happy he could cry. He doesn’t know how he’s going to sit through his exam tomorrow knowing that Matteo would be there to meet him after. That Matteo wants to be there to meet him. That Matteo wants to see him.

He needs to calm down, he still has to finish his revision and somehow manage to sleep if he has any hope of passing his exam. He’s just so happy and excited. He wants to run over to Matteo’s house right now and tell him that he couldn’t wait to see him tomorrow. 

He puts on some music and starts dancing around his room to try to burn through some of the energy that is coursing through him. He didn’t know you could feel this happy.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

He makes it to school the next morning having somehow managed to finish his revision and get to sleep although his brain had just been shouting Matteo’s name over and over again all night. 

He meets up with Leonie who’s also there to write her math exam.

“So Matteo’s picking me up after the exam.” David’s face has started hurting from the smile that he’s sure hasn’t left since the call the night before. 

“Really? That’s great.”

“Yeah, I don’t really know how I’m going to concentrate during the exam though. I’m like dying to see him.”

“Aww, you like him so much!” Leonie’s smile is matching his own. 

He feels a blush come to his face as he rolls his eyes at her. “So what if I do?”

They both start laughing. 

Leonie’s exam is in the room next to David’s, so when they get to the rooms Leonie gives him a big hug and says, “Good luck! Remember that cute boys are fleeting but abitur results last a lifetime.”

David laughs as he swats her arm, “Very funny. I’ll meet you out here when we’re done?”

“Absolutely!” She gives him one more smile before entering her room. 

Once the exam starts he does manage to push down his excitement and distraction about seeing Matteo to fully concentrate on his exam. When time is up he feels really good about how he did.

He walks out of the room and finds Leonie standing there looking like she’s been tortured, “I hate math.”

David laughs at her, “Did you not do well?”

“I probably did fine, but my brain feels like it’s literal mush in my head right now.” She perks up suddenly. “Wait, what are we standing here for? Let’s go find your man.”

He smiles at her while also feeling the blush return to his face.

They start walking toward the main stairs when he feels his phone buzz in his pocket. He assumes it’s Matteo telling him that he’s here, but when he pulls the phone out he sees that it’s a message from their year’s group chat instead,

\- Shit, have you already seen this video?

He literally couldn’t care less what things are going around the group chat, so he puts his phone back in his pocket. 

“So did Matteo actually make any plans with you or just say he was going to meet you here?”

“He just asked if he could come pick me up, so no plans.”

“Oh that’s so Matteo.”

“Yeah.” 

David looks over and sees Matteo smiling up at him from the base of the stairs. He looks so good it takes his breath away. 

“Hey, there’s Matteo. I’m going to go ok.”

“Good luck,” Leonie smiles at him and squeezes his arm before walking away.

He starts walking down the stairs towards Matteo but has an uncomfortable sensation that everyone is looking at him. He hears whispers and hears a girl behind him say, “Have you seen the video?”

He feels a pit growing in his stomach. Somehow he knows that something’s wrong. He pulls out his phone and sees more messages in the group chat after the post of a video that he can see he is clearly the star of. He presses play and sees the argument from weeks earlier where Mr. Neuhaus called him a girl.

Panic overtakes him. He looks around him and all he sees are leering, laughing faces and the whispers turn into a symphony of judgmental noise. Everyone is looking at him, talking about him, laughing at him. Everyone knows. This can’t be happening again.

He needs to get out. His vision has darkened and all he can see are faces laughing at him, judging him. He rushes down the stairs, trying to run away. 

Suddenly there are arms grabbing at him and a voice saying, “Hey!”

He panics. He screams, “Just leave me alone!” before pushing the arms away and running out of the building. 

He runs all the way to the bus stop but can’t stop. He keeps seeing the faces of people laughing at him. He runs until his lungs hurt. He sees that he’s almost home and pushes himself to keep going. He needs to be inside where no one can see him. He needs to scream and cry but he’s holding it back until he can be alone.

When he gets to his house he rushes through the door and slams his bedroom door behind him. Tears come instantly and he grabs his pillow and screams into it. 

How could this have happened? Why would someone do this?

He curls up on his bed as sobs rack his body. He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket and pulls it out to throw it as far away from him as possible but pauses when he sees that it’s Matteo.

He opens the message and sees that Matteo tried to call him four times in a row and the messages he sent after break David’s heart.

\- David where are you?  
\- Should I come over? Are you okay?  
\- Please don’t leave again

David thinks that Matteo doesn’t deserve to have to deal with this. He shouldn’t have to worry like this. 

He lays his phone down on his bedside table. He feels like he’s living in his worst nightmare. How had the day turned so terrible? He tries to remember how happy he’d been at the start of the day but no matter what he does the absolute misery of being outed to the whole school feels like a bottomless pit that he keeps sinking deeper and deeper into.

He can never go back there. He should have never gone there to begin with. This would be his life now. Never being able to control who knew and who didn’t. Being laughed at and humiliated. Why did he have to live like this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading. I'm hoping to be a little more consistent getting the last two chapters out now that December is over and I'm at home without visitors again.
> 
> I hope everyone had an excellent Christmas if you celebrate it, and Happy 2020 in a few days. 
> 
> Finally, can I just say how stoked I am that it's official that Druck will be returning to us. My fingers are obviously crossed for David season 5.


	9. Just Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David's world came crashing down. His only option is to run.

David feels like he’s shrunk into nothing. He’s curled up on his bed feeling like he’s disappearing. He doesn’t want to see anyone ever again, he never wants to speak or be spoken to. He had tried so hard to become invisible and somehow had failed completely.

There’s a light tap on his door that he knows must be Laura but he ignores it. “David, are you in there?” Maybe if he never speaks again he can completely disappear.

He stopped crying a while ago, the tears had soaked his pillow and his shirt but no more would come now. He feels hollowed out again. His body starts to ache from his binder which just makes him angry. It feels like a constant reminder of the cause of all his problems. The old mantra in his head he thought he had left behind years ago, ‘not normal’, has returned. 

When the pain gets too much he has to move. He stands up from his bed feeling the anger building. He has to take off the only thing that usually makes him feel better, but which is causing him to spiral worse right now. 

He pulls his shirt over his head and throws it across the room trying to get to the offending garment. He takes it off with much less care than he normally would and can’t help the loud groan he lets out as it too gets thrown across the room. 

There’s a louder knock on his door. “David? Are you ok?” Laura’s voice sounds almost panicked.

He guesses that the sound he made must have been louder than he realized. He still doesn’t answer though. 

“David, I know you’re in there. Is everything ok?”

Silence still.

“If you don’t answer me I’m going to come in.”

He just starts shaking his head. He can’t speak for fear that all that will come out is a scream. 

There’s silence for a moment before his door opens and Laura is looking at him. When she sees him standing there with his arms wrapped around his bare chest her face crumbles. She rushes over to the bed and grabs the blanket off to wrap around his shoulders. Dry sobs start shaking his body as she pulls him into her arms.

“What happened? Are you ok? Please talk to me.”

He still can’t speak. He just buries his face into his sister’s neck sucking in heaving breaths. He can’t get enough air.

Laura starts smoothing her hand over his back and shushing him, trying to calm him down. 

In a strained whisper David finally says, “They all know.”

Laura stills for a second and then pulls him in tighter. She slowly starts moving him over to his bed, sits down on the edge, and squeezes him into her side. 

They sit until David starts breathing normally again.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Laura’s voice is so low and calm David feels like he’s being bathed in love and comfort.

He takes a steadying breath, then, “There was a video…I didn’t tell you about Mr. Neuhaus…he …he said I was a girl and I yelled at him that I wasn’t, and someone…somehow someone recorded it.”

Laura sucks in a sharp breath. She lays her head on his while hugging him even closer to her side. “Are you sure everyone saw it?”

David nods, “It was sent in a group chat for our year. Everyone saw…everyone laughed…”

“Oh David…” she sniffles. “I’m so sorry…tell me what I can do.”

“Nothing…I…can I just be alone?”

Laura wraps the arm not holding him against her body around him to envelope him completely. She kisses the top of his head and takes a deep breath. “If that’s what you need, ok. I’ll make you something to eat though and bring it in.”

She gets up from his bed and walks over to the door. Before leaving his room she looks back at him and with a sadness threatening to overtake her she tries to smile and says, “I know that this is terrible David, but you will get through it. You aren’t alone in any of this.” 

She quickly turns and closes the door behind her. David can hear her starting to cry through the door.

He wishes he could believe her. He was alone in this. He was always alone.

His eyes trail over the clothing he had ripped from his body and thrown on the floor. The anger he’d felt has completely dissipated. The bulky blanket Laura had wrapped around him is managing to make him feel so much safer and calmer. He can’t feel his body amidst the thick padding and he feels freed. 

He pads over to his desk clutching the blanket around him and sits down. He starts flipping through the most recent drawings sitting on his desk noticing the lightness and hope everything had started to have in the past few days. He feels none of that now. 

Laura comes back in a few minutes later with a sandwich and some water for him. She places it beside him quietly before leaving him alone again. He eats numbly, knowing that he needs to, but feeling no satisfaction from it. 

His phone starts buzzing on his bedside table. He can’t even think of looking at it. 

He doesn’t know what to do. He can’t stay here. He needs to leave. He doesn’t know where he can go though. He knows that if he stays in this apartment he’ll go crazy with the gentle care Laura will offer him. He doesn’t want anyone to have to worry about him. He hates being a burden.

A thought comes to him of where he can go that he won’t have to see anyone who will judge him. Won’t have to see looks of pity or disgust.

He gets up and grabs his phone from his bedside table. He sees text alerts covering his screen. He ignores all of them and opens his contact for his godmother. He hasn’t talked to her in a little while but she’d always made it perfectly clear that if he ever needed anything she would be there for him.

The phone starts ringing and after a moment it connects. There’s shuffling on the other end before a sleepy, “Hello?”

“Uh hi…it’s D-David.” His voice sounds so weak and sad.

“Oh David! Hello darling…wait hold on a second,” more shuffling. It sounds like she may have been in bed. David feels terrible that he must have woken her. “It’s late sweetheart. Is everything ok?”

“Did I wake you? I’m sorry. I just…can I come visit you?”

“Of course you can. You know you’re welcome here any time. When were you thinking of coming?”

“Tomorrow?”

There’s a beat of silence. “Tomorrow? Is everything ok, David? Are you in trouble?”

“No, I’m not in trouble. I just really need a break from Berlin. If it’s too much trouble I understand.”

“No…no it’s no trouble. I would love to have you, I was just a little surprised. Will you be taking the train?”

“Uh…yeah.”

“Ok wonderful. Let me know when you’re going to be getting in and I’ll come pick you up…I’ll be so happy to see you sweetheart.”

“Thanks Luise. I’ll see you tomorrow. Sorry I woke you. Goodnight.”

“Not a problem. Goodnight sweetheart.”

He feels instant relief when he hangs up the phone. He’ll go away for a little while. Make himself feel better away from everyone. Give himself time to reset.

He picks his shirt up from the ground and puts it back on before he starts grabbing clothes from his closet to pack a bag. He wants to leave as early as possible in the morning, he needs to get out of Berlin.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

David wakes up to the early morning light streaming in through his bedroom window. He feels a groggy calmness and reaches for his phone to check the time. When the screen lights up he’s surprised by the number of notifications before the memory of yesterday crashes in on him. 

He clicks the notification for a message from Leonie,

\- Are you ok????  
\- I swear I’ll find the asshole who recorded that and end them 🤬

He clicks out of the message and sees his WhatsApp filled with unread messages. He can’t bring himself to read any of what his other classmates have written him. He knows the kinds of things people say. He’s heard it all before. He starts swiping through them and deleting them all. He gets to Matteo’s though and opens it. He sees that he tried to call him again last night and then a message,

\- I’m going to wait for you

His heart clenches in his chest. He loves Matteo so much and has already hurt him, he can’t hurt him anymore. He shouldn’t have to deal with any of this. He shouldn’t have to deal with David. 

He closes the app as tears come to his eyes. He feels miserable again. 

He remembers that he arranged to go to his godmother’s in Fürstenberg the night before so searches to find the train times. There’s a train that leaves at 9:30 that he buys a ticket for from his phone. It gives him enough time to shower and eat something before leaving for the station. 

He gets up to do just that. 

As he’s coming out of the bathroom Laura comes out of her room, “Good morning. You’re up early! How are you feeling today?”

“Uh, well, I’m going to Fürstenberg to see Luise.”

“What? Since when?”

“I talked to her last night. I’m getting the 9:30 train.”

David starts walking toward his room and Laura is right on his heels, “What do you mean you’re getting the 9:30 train? You’re just leaving? For how long?”

When he gets to his doorway he turns to look at her, “I need to get away. I…I can’t be here right now Laura.” He starts feeling the tightness that comes before he starts crying, “I just need a few days…please.” Tears start slipping down his cheeks. 

Laura starts crying also and nods her head. “Ok, I understand. Do you need breakfast before you go?”

He swipes his hand across his face to clear the tears. He appreciates that Laura isn’t pushing. “Yes, but it has to be quick, I’ve gotta go.”

“Ok I’ll make something, you just finish getting ready.”

It takes him about ten minutes to finish getting everything he needs packed away in his duffel bag and come into the kitchen to find Laura has made eggs and toast for them both. 

They sit in silence as they eat. When he’s done he gets up from the table to clear his plate and grab his bag. Before he can get very far Laura stands up and wraps him in a tight hug. She says into his shoulder, “I love you David. Call me when you get there and let me know when you’re coming home ok?” She somehow squeezes even tighter when she feels him nod his head.

He’s trying not to cry more so figures it’s best not to speak. He pulls out of his sister’s embrace and grabs his bag and leaves. He doesn’t feel better leaving Laura behind. He feels guilty. She does so much for him and loves him so completely, he knows he’ll never be enough to earn any of it. 

When he gets to the train station he’s happy to see that it’s relatively quiet. His train is thankfully clear as well. He manages to get a seat against the window with no one else sitting around him. 

He pulls out his sketchbook to occupy his mind from the terrible thoughts running through it. As the train takes him farther and farther away from Berlin he draws a picture of a man with RUN written across his chest. There’s no face, only a black, hollow space, and he grimaces when he realizes that it’s the perfect self-portrait.

He takes a picture of it and posts it to his Instagram, letting everyone know what they’ve reduced him to.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

The minute he steps into his godmother’s house he feels calm. Her house is on the edge of town and is blissfully quiet. He’s always loved coming here. When he was a child he would run wild in the town and the surrounding woods. 

His godmother had grown up here and met his mother at university in Hanover. She’d moved with his mother to Berlin when they completed their studies but moved back here when David was a baby. His mother didn’t have any siblings so his godmother was the sister she’d never had and became a member of David’s extended family. Other than Laura she was the person David had always felt the closest to in his family. 

She was also the first person he’d told when he realized that he was trans. They’d been visiting her the summer when he was 13 and she’d picked up that something was eating at him. When he told her that he was a boy, she had smiled and simply said, “Well of course you are.”

David has held that memory so close to his heart ever since. He's sure she doesn't know how much he loves her.

So far she hasn’t made him explain himself yet. He knows that it’s coming because she is nothing if not forthright, but she also knows him and knows when he needs time. 

He calls Laura like he promised he would but keeps the conversation short. He’s trying his hardest not to spiral down again, he’s sick of feeling so empty, so when she tries to ask him more than just how the train ride was, he cuts her off and tells her he needs to go. 

After getting himself settled in his room he comes downstairs to find Luise in the kitchen.

“Do you have everything you need? I laid out a towel for you in the bathroom. I’m just making a cake for dessert tonight. Are you hungry? Did you eat on the train?”

David had forgotten that she tends towards rapid-fire questions and slightly incessant talking. It can be nice to be in her company when you feel full of energy and up for anything, but all David wants right now is quiet. He also doesn’t want to fall into one of her talking traps where she slips very serious questions in with the inanity. 

He chooses to ignore pretty much everything she’s said and instead replies, “Um, I was thinking of just going for a walk. The ride was long and I’m feeling like I just need to stretch my legs.” He manages a weak smile which is met with her warm eyes and soft smile. 

“Of course darling. Just be back for dinner ok?”

“Yes, I will, don’t worry.”

He heads out the door and starts walking the same paths he did as a child. He ventures into the woods feeling the darkness and hush wrap themselves around him like an embrace. He loses himself in the greenery. He feels like he does in the abandoned pool, like he’s the last person on earth. He loves this feeling. Nothing can hurt him and he’s a burden to no one.

After a few hours he figures he should head back knowing that he’ll be late for dinner if he doesn’t. When he walks in the door the warm aroma of his godmother's goulash welcomes him. He’s always loved Luise’s cooking.

“Oh good, you’re back. I was just setting the table for us. If you want to go wash up, dinner is ready.” Luise is positively beaming at him.

He feels warmth start spreading through his body. He runs upstairs to quickly change out of his relatively dirty clothes and wash the grime of hiking through the woods off.

When he sits down at the table Luise pins him with one of her looks that seem to peer into his very soul. It was a look like this that lead to him coming out to her. He knows that the time has come for her questioning. He diverts his eyes and starts eating hoping to stave it off. 

He’s not that lucky though.

“So did you have a nice day? I know wandering the forrest is wildly different from the streets of Berlin. I remember how much you loved the woods when you were a kid. The number of times we had to call your name to come in for dinner…oh and your mother would be nearly having a fit sure that you had somehow been lost or hurt but sure enough you would come trouncing out of those woods looking like a feral child with the biggest smile on your face. Oh you were such a terror. How’s everything going at home? You’re just about done school right? Did something happen? Is everything ok with Laura? How’s the new school?”

His brain is trying to keep up with the barrage of questions being hurled at him. He’s pretty sure she hasn’t taken a full breath since she started talking. Now there’s silence though. This is her tactic. She knows it works every time. Pour out a pile of information and questions and then sit in silence until the other person can’t handle the silence anymore. 

He knows what she’s doing but he can’t help himself and he starts talking, trying to remember everything she asked but ultimately just starts letting everything flow out.

“Yeah the woods are great. So calm. Definitely different from Berlin…I really just needed a break…things haven’t been that good. I…I…got outed at school yesterday. It was terrible and I don’t know if I can go back. I tried so hard not to tell anyone, and for no one to know, but I got in a fight with my PE teacher because he told me he was going to grade me on the girl’s scale and I yelled at him that I’m not a girl and someone recorded it and sent it to everyone. I was humiliated and I can’t deal with the bullying again. I don’t know what to do. And I’m in love with a boy who shouldn’t have to deal with any of this…and I’m just becoming a burden to Laura…and it’s all too much.”

He’s started crying and isn’t even sure if the words are making sense but saying it all feels like a weight is being lifted from his shoulders. 

When he looks up he sees hurt and pain etched on Luise’s face. “Oh David, sweetheart.”

She gets up from the table and comes over to hug him. His face is pressed into her stomach. His voice is muffled as he says, “I’m sorry Luise. I didn’t know where else I could go.”

She pulls back and lifts his chin so he can look at her. “You never have to apologize to me, do you understand?”

David nods his head and she goes back to sit down. 

She takes a bite of her dinner then points her spoon at him, “You are welcome to stay here as long as you need to, but I don’t want you to hide here. You should never feel like you need to shut yourself away.”

She waits for him to acknowledge that she’s right. He weakly nods and whispers out, “I know.”

“Good,” she gives him a wicked smile, “now tell me about this boy. I need all the information to assess whether he’s worthy of your time.”

David laughs slightly and blushes. He knows there’s no getting out of answering her, so he starts telling her everything there is to know about Matteo. She makes him show her pictures and by the end of it she’s given her seal of approval. 

By the time he heads up to bed he’s feeling better than he has in the last 24 hours. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

David sleeps like the dead and wakes up around midday on Sunday. At first he’s disoriented when he wakes up in the room he hasn’t been in in years. He’s so used to waking up to the sound of the train going past their apartment, the silence makes the world feel a lot bigger.

He checks his phone more out of habit than of wanting to see if anyone called or messaged him. He sees a notification for messages from Laura. He hesitates for a moment then opens them,

\- Miss you! 😔  
\- Hope you’re doing a bit better there  
\- Matteo came by  
\- He’s really worried about you I think  
\- I told him to give you some time   
\- I hope that was ok  
\- Let me know when you’re coming back ok?

He re-reads the messages over and over. He can’t believe Matteo had come to see him. He feels a definite ache in his chest. He misses Matteo so much. It hits him that that was yet another thing that had been ruined on Friday. He thinks back to seeing Matteo waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs. He’d felt so happy seeing his face after so long without him.

Before he can stop it, the memory continues and he realizes that the person who had reached for him, the person who he’d screamed at to leave him alone, had been Matteo. He’d been so panicked and scared, he hadn’t realized that it had been Matteo trying to stop him. He feels so embarrassed. He would never want Matteo to see him like that.

He clicks back over to Matteo’s messages to him. He reads them again, sees all the missed calls, he realizes that he’s hurting him again without meaning to. 

The anger starts boiling up again. He’s mostly angry with himself. He blames himself for all of this. He suddenly feels trapped.

He gets up from the bed. He needs to get out of the room, the walls feel like they’re closing in on him. He quickly gets changed out of his pajamas and grabs his phone and sketchbook. 

He rushes downstairs and doesn’t totally register Luise greeting him and offering him food as he hastens outside. He’s almost running away from the house. He’s fully panicking now. His breaths are coming fast and he can feel the world spinning under his feet. He makes it to a small clearing in the woods and collapses. His head in his hands, crying, and gasping for breath. 

A small breeze starts cooling his skin that feels like its on fire. He manages to force air into his lungs and feels the spinning start to slow down. 

His fingers start twitching, he needs to get out the emotions that are surging through him. He sits down fully and starts drawing. Everything he’s drawing is filled with anger, pain, screaming. His pencil is almost carving through the paper. Page after page he feels himself casting everything off. 

When he finally feels the anger and panic start leaving him, he closes his sketchbook, lays back in the grass, and looks up at the sky. He hadn’t registered how beautiful of a day it was. The sky is blue and the sun is filtering through the surrounding trees. David takes a deep breath and smells the clean air of the woods. It’s as though his senses are coming back to him. The sounds of birds chirping in the trees with the light wind rustling the leaves is making everything in him just even out. The screaming in his head is completely gone now and he feels at peace.

He wishes he could stay here forever. Here he never had to explain himself, he never had to deal with other people’s judgements. 

He knows he can’t though and opens his phone to message Laura back,

\- Hey, I’m going to need a few more days. I’ll let you know once I’ve figured out when I’m coming home

The typing bubbles appear instantly.

\- Remember you have your PE exam on Friday right? 

Shit. He’d forgotten. How is he going to manage that? He never wants to go back into that school again. And an exam with Neuhaus of all people. He isn’t sure he can handle it.

\- Crap right. I’ll be back before then.

\- Good  
\- Also  
\- Was me telling Matteo you needed time ok?   
\- I don’t want to mess anything up there for you

\- Yeah, that’s ok. I don’t know what I would say to him right now  
\- If anyone messed anything up it would be me anyway so don't worry about it  
\- I’ll talk to you later

He closes his phone and ignores the buzz from what he assumes is Laura replying to him. He isn’t really in the mood to talk about any of that, especially over text. She’ll forgive him for not responding.

He sits back up feeling a little restless. He isn’t ready to go back to the house though because he knows that Luise will want to talk and he really just needs the silence right now. He starts flipping through his sketchbook and stops on one of the pictures he’d drawn in his fury. He’s not feeling the anger he was when he drew it anymore but he’s actually pretty impressed with himself for the composition of it. He takes a picture of it and posts it on his Instagram. If people want to interpret the anger in it as being how he feels they can, but he’s just more impressed with himself.

He sits for a little longer feeling the calmness of the place wash over him until he starts feeling incredibly hungry. He looks at the time and sees that it’s nearing dinnertime and he left the house without eating earlier.

He begrudgingly gets up and starts making his way back to the house, bracing himself for what he knows will be endless questions and talking.

He quietly lets himself back in the house and doesn’t hear anything. He goes into the kitchen and upstairs looking for where his godmother could possibly be in the small house. “Hello?”

She’s nowhere to be found. He goes back outside and sees her car is still parked in the lane. He’s completely perplexed as to where she could be when he hears her voice coming from the neighbor’s yard. 

He walks over to see what’s going on and when Luise sees him she looks somewhat surprised, “Oh David! There you are. Annika this is my godson David I was telling you about. David this is Annika. I was looking for you and was asking around if anyone had seen you.”

David smiles shyly and blushes. Luise is being light and casual but he can tell he worried her. 

“Umm, hi. I…uh…I was just in the woods. Needed some peace and quiet.” He smiles nervously, feeling like he’s let her down.

Luise laughs, “Well of course you did. Annika knows all about how little peace and quiet there is in my house.”

At that the other woman laughs as well. 

“Well let’s go and leave you alone Annika. Sorry to bother you.”

“Not at all. And it’s very nice to meet you David.”

David just smiles again as he turns with Luise to walk back over to her house. When they pass through her gate he quietly says, “Sorry to worry you. I didn’t have a very good morning. I just needed to be by myself.”

As they walk into the house Luise says over her shoulder, “What did I say about apologizing to me darling? Just please let me know before you disappear in future. I don’t want Laura to come down here and murder me for losing you.”

He huffs out a small laugh imagining the wrath of Laura. 

“Now, you must be starving. You rushed out of here without eating earlier. I’ll whip up a quick pasta for us, and I promise not to talk your ear off ok?”

“That sounds great. Thanks.”

David sits down at the table in the kitchen watching her work. She turns on the radio and is humming and singing along to every song as she deftly makes them dinner. It’s reminding him of being at home with Laura and it occurs to him how alike Laura is to Luise. He feels so lucky that these two women love him and support him unconditionally. He makes a note to remember that because he tends to forget that if nothing else, he has their love.

After dinner he and Luise sit and watch a movie and when its over David excuses himself to bed because although he didn’t do anything today his earlier panic attack has made him feel wrung out. As he’s heading upstairs Luise calls after him, “Remember I’ll be out of here early tomorrow for work but I’ll be home in time for dinner so just help yourself to whatever you need when you get up.”

“Sure thing. Thanks Luise. Goodnight.”

When he gets to his room he nearly collapses on his bed. He wants nothing more than to not repeat the day he had today tomorrow. All he wants is to sleep and leave every negative and painful thoughts behind.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

He wakes early on Monday morning to his phone buzzing beside him. He groggily lifts it up to see that there’s a notification for a message from Matteo. He rushes to open it, glad that Matteo apparently hadn’t taken Laura’s advice to give him time too seriously. He’s surprised to see that it’s not a text but a voice message. He clicks play and hears Matteo’s quiet voice, “Hey, umm, I’m taking the Biology exam now, just get in touch if you feel like it. See you soon.”

His heart nearly leaps out of his chest at the sound of his voice. He plays it one more time to hear it again. He knows he needs to respond, make sure that Matteo knows that he’s happy to hear from him. That it isn’t too soon to reach out.

He thinks about what to say and records his own message, “Hey, my fingers are crossed for Bio. I’ll be back on Thursday.”

After the message sends he’s surprised at himself as he hadn’t actually made the decision yet of when he would head home, but now he supposes that Thursday is as good a day as any. It would give him a few more days here to get prepared to face the worst on Friday.

He quickly sends a message to Laura letting her know that he’ll be home on Thursday night.

Now that he’s awake anyway he decides he should just get out of bed. He remembers that Luise is at work today so is happy at the thought that he can just laze around the house watching TV and eating with no interruptions. 

He does just that all day. He manages to finish an entire season of a German series on Netflix that leaves him jealous that anyone could come up with something so complex and well-made. It makes him excited for his own future though. He aspires to create something like that. 

By the time Luise makes it home he’s almost melded with the couch and hasn’t felt so relaxed in a very long time. 

Luise had picked up dinner for them, “I was frankly too lazy to think about cooking tonight, I hope this is ok.”

David is salivating over the smell of fried food which he rarely has at home because he and Laura can’t really afford to eat out much, “No this is amazing. Thank you.”

Luise spends all of dinner and after regaling him with stories of her day. She teaches math at the local school and from the sounds of it her students are all the spawn of Satan. Each story gets more extreme than the last and by the end of the evening David is crying with laughter.

Luise excuses herself to bed as “rest and recuperation are needed to spend another day battling demons.” 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Tuesday and Wednesday pass much like Monday and David is feeling significantly better by the time Luise comes home on Wednesday night. He’d been feeling bad that she was working all day every day and would still come back every night and cook for him, so on Wednesday afternoon he decided that he would attempt to cook her dinner as a thank you. He’d pulled up a recipe on his phone and was trying his best to follow it precisely. He was marginally successful but just as she’s walking in the door the smoke alarm starts going off. 

David’s standing with the oven door open trying to clear the smoke but he isn’t sure where it’s coming from. He’s made a baked chicken dish and it looks ok but for some reason the oven is billowing smoke.

“David, what’s happening? Is there a fire?”

David starts coughing from the smoke that’s still streaming out, “No I don’t think so. It’s just the oven, it’s smoking and I don’t know why.”

Luise comes into the kitchen and promptly turns off the oven and opens the kitchen window, she then bats the smoke detector down from the ceiling to stop the incessant beeping. “Why is the oven on?”

“I wanted to surprise you and make dinner. I don’t think I burned it, but when I went to take it out there was just a blast of smoke.”

She pulls the dish out of the oven and although it’s slightly darker in color than it should be, it’s definitely not burnt. “Well this oven is kind of old. This looks wonderful though. You really didn’t need to cook.”

“I know, I just wanted to do something to say thank you.”

She places the dish on the table and gives David a hug. “You know you’re welcome any time, no thanks needed.” After a moment she pulls away and goes to grab glasses and some wine which she brings back over to the table. As she sits down she says, “This is so nice. I never have someone to make me meals.”

It occurs to David as he sits down that he’s never thought about his godmother living here all by herself. She’d never gotten married or had kids. He wonders if she’s lonely. He doesn’t dare ask her though, that’s far too personal.

As they start eating Luise asks as nonchalantly as possible, “Have you thought about when you’re going to head home? Are you finished all of your abitur exams?”

“Oh…uh…I actually have one more exam on Friday…so…I’m going to head home tomorrow.”

She frowns slightly, “Oh, ok. Well that’s good. Are you feeling better? Did it help to get away?”

“Yeah it did. I’m feeling a lot better. I’m still nervous about going in for my exam on Friday but it’s helped being here.”

She gives him a soft smile and nods her head. He can see her eyes start glistening and realizes that she’s on the verge of crying. He’s never seen her cry. He clears his throat and continues to eat, pretending he’s not noticing her getting emotional.

They eat in companionable silence but before David can get up from the table to clear the dishes Luise tuts him, “Oh sit down. You cooked, I’ll clean.” She starts clearing the table. As she fills the sink to start doing the dishes she starts talking and he realizes that she’s using the task to distract from how emotional she’s getting. “I’m just so sorry that you have to deal with all of this David. You don’t deserve any of it and it breaks my heart to think of you ever being in pain. I want you to remember that you are loved always, by me and by Laura, and although I know your parents have had a bit of a hard time they love you too sweetheart. I just never want you to feel like you’re alone in life. I know how it feels to be alone but I’m strong and I can take care of myself. And I know you’re strong too, but you don’t have to take everything on yourself darling. I…I just want to make sure you know how much you’re loved.”

She turns her head to look at him as she finishes talking and he can see tears streaming down her face to match his own. “I know…I love you too.”

She smiles at him softly then shakes her head and blows out a breath before smiling more widely, “Oh look at us, a couple of complete saps. All right, enough of all of that. You go into the living room and pick out one of your cinematic wonders for us to watch while I finish up in here.”

He smiles at her and gets up from the table. A few minutes later she meets him on the couch with bowls of ice cream and they snuggle together to watch Amélie, a movie David knows Luise loves.

Before they go to bed Luise packs him some food to take with him on the train tomorrow and gives him some money for his ticket, and “whatever else you might need” which is more money then he could possibly need for a five and a half hour journey.

They say their goodbyes since she’ll be out of the house before he wakes up in the morning and he’ll be gone before she gets home. They both get a little misty eyed but Luise pushes him into his room before it can become more than that.

He looks at the stuff he’s brought with him and starts repacking it into his duffel. With every item the reality of leaving this safe and comfortable bubble hits him more and more. He ends up tossing and turning most of the night dreading having to leave.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Getting himself to the bus to get to the nearest train station had been a chore. All morning he’d continually frozen up at the thought of going back to Berlin. The only thing that could get him going and which finally managed to lead to him now sitting on the train from Hanover to Berlin was the thought that if he didn’t go back, he wouldn’t see Matteo again. 

Every minute closer to Berlin though his panic is escalating. All of the peace and tranquility he’d felt in Fürstenberg has completely left him and he feels like a caged animal. His main fear is walking into the school tomorrow to take his exam. He can’t do it. He knows he can’t. 

When the train pulls into Berlin Central Station every cell in his body is screaming to run away. 

He disembarks the train and feels lost. He can’t go home. He can’t see Laura. Laura will just force him to go take his exam and since the thought of that feels like dying he needs to avoid it at all cost. 

He doesn’t know what to do though. He’s standing in the middle of the train station feeling like everyone is staring at him. He feels so exposed. He needs to get somewhere where he can be alone. He needs more time to think. He needs to come up with a plan.

He considers getting back on a train and leaving Berlin but he doesn’t know where he can go. He has enough money to buy some food and maybe a few supplies but not enough to buy endless train tickets or what? Hotel rooms? He’s fully spiraling and is feeling choked by the panic. 

He needs somewhere safe. Somewhere in Berlin where he can be alone and no one will find him. He thinks of the last time he felt safe in the city and the abandoned pool comes to mind. 

He decides that that would work. It’s so remote and so quiet. He just needs to get some things to be able to stay there. He’s never been so happy that Central Station is also essentially a shopping mall than he is now. He finds a store that sells sleeping bags and picks out the cheapest option. He grabs some food and water and a battery pack for his phone as well and then catches the train that will take him out to the abandoned base.

He gets to the gates just as the sun is going down and throws his stuff over before heaving himself over the gate. Once he gets in the familiar building he gets that same sense of comfort he had the last time he was here that he’s the last person on earth. 

He sets up the sleeping bag against one wall in the middle of the pool where there isn’t quite as much of a slant but where he can see the entrances to the room. The fact that this is his first time here at night is making him acutely aware that it may not be the safest of places to be caught alone. 

He tucks himself into the sleeping bag and uses his duffel bag as a pillow. He’s exhausted and would rather not think about what Laura would be thinking when he didn’t arrive home. He forces himself to go to sleep promising himself that he’ll figure out what he’s going to do moving forward in the morning.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

On Friday morning he’s awoken by a constant vibration under his head. He’s completely disoriented when he opens his eyes and sees a light blue tile wall. He then remembers that he’s in the pool. That he didn’t go home. He rolls over and goes back to sleep, he can’t deal with any of this right now.

Awhile later he wakes up again and knows he won’t be able to fall back asleep. He groans as he sits up, feeling miserable and sad and the loneliest he’s ever felt in his life. He makes a move to grab his phone but stops himself when he realizes that it will be filled with missed calls and messages from Laura. He doesn’t yet know how to explain to her that he can’t finish his abitur. He knows that he would be letting her down. He decides his phone can wait.

He needs the bathroom and hopes that somewhere in this building there’s a working one. He grabs a bottle of water and his toothbrush and goes searching.

He finds one right down one of the corridors he had yet to explore. It thankfully still has running water and he takes it as a sign that it was the right decision to come here.

After freshening himself up as well as he can in a bathroom sink he makes his way back to the pool to try and figure out what to do next. He sits and eats as little of his food as possible knowing that he may need to make it last. His fingers keep itching toward his phone but his thoughts keep warning him that it will only be full of pain and worry and when he still doesn’t know what he’s doing he can’t add that on top of it. 

He decides that it would be best to take a walk and try to think everything through without any distractions. He gets up out of the pool and starts wandering the halls of the building. 

Every hallway he walks down and room he looks in he sees Matteo. He remembers when they were here together and how nervous but excited he was to be alone with him again. The pain of missing him is a real physical pain. He wishes he was here with him now. 

His thoughts darken though when he starts thinking of Matteo out in the world right now. He’s probably surrounded by his friends who love him. He wonders what all of them thought when they found out about him last week. Did they know about him and Matteo? Did they give Matteo a hard time about it?

He knows the kinds of things people say, the names they use, the slurs. Matteo shouldn’t ever have to hear any of them. Shouldn’t have to defend David from them if they come from his friends.

He realizes that maybe they don’t know about them and maybe it would be easier on Matteo if there wasn’t a them. Matteo could just pretend that he didn’t actually know David that well if his friends ever brought him up. He wouldn’t ever have to justify why he’s with him. 

That thought makes the pain worse. He doesn’t want to give up Matteo but he would if it would cause Matteo less pain and embarrassment. 

He’s starting to feel overwhelmed again. He sits down on the stairs that remind him so much of Matteo, and wraps his arms around himself trying to calm himself down by repeating ‘It’s ok to be alone’ over and over in his head. 

After a little while his thoughts clear and he’s able to make a decision. He’ll go back to Fürstenberg for a little while, Luise had said he was welcome anytime after all, and then he would get a job in Hanover to start saving up so he could get his own place. He would leave Berlin and never come back. Once he got back to Fürstenberg he would call Laura and tell her everything he was feeling and apologize and thank her for being everything to him. He knows he can’t ever make it up to her and he’ll hurt her but it will be better for her in the long run. She won’t have to constantly worry about him anymore.

And Matteo…well he’s not sure about Matteo right now.

He makes his way back to the pool to check train times back to Fürstenberg.

As he pulls his phone out of his bag he remembers that he hasn’t looked at it since he was on the train last night. He hesitates, he’s scared to see what kind of messages it contains.

He takes a breath and lifts the phone and the screen is filled with notifications. He shouldn’t be surprised that they’re not all from Laura, but he is. There’s one from Luise, and there are a few from Matteo.

Because he can’t help himself, he clicks on Matteo’s first and is surprised that the most recent in the thread is a missed call from 8:56 this morning. He remembers the vibration that woke him up earlier and realizes it must have been Matteo calling him. He feels a twist in his gut. He scrolls up and sees the first in the string of missed messages,

\- Are you in Berlin yet?

He notices the time and sees that it’s from 20:40 last night and he wonders if Matteo wrote it because he was excited to see him and wanted to meet up. The next messages are from about 45 minutes later and they’re clearer in Matteo’s intention.

\- David where are you? I’m really worried!! Laura told me that you didn’t come home.  
\- Your PE exam is tomorrow!!! I’ll wait there for you. Be there!!

Oh god. He knows that the call this morning meant that Matteo was at the school waiting for him. He feels sick. He can’t handle how much he’s hurting Matteo. How worried he obviously was. And to know that Laura had reached out to Matteo as well…he feels dizzy with guilt. He doesn’t deserve to be cared for by people when he treats them so poorly.

His resolve when he came back into the pool is starting to dissipate. 

His finger is hovering over Matteo’s contact. He wants to call him and explain himself, he wants to hear his voice one more time at least. But that’s selfish. He knows that it’s best for Matteo if he leaves.

He slumps down the wall and starts thinking of everything he wants to say to Matteo. How he wants to say goodbye. He click the record button on the message and starts to speak, “Dear Matteo. I’m underwater, without oxygen and thinking of you. I wanna tell you so much, but I can’t stay here. Have to go. It’s not bad to be alone. We’re all alone. If fortune had been on our side, I’d have taken you with me. Don’t forget that.” He pauses for a moment and then sends it.

That was it. It was over. He starts crying softly. 

He can’t bring himself to look at Laura’s or Luise’s messages right now. He needs some time to fully accept that he just said goodbye to Matteo. 

He sits with the silence of the room feeling like a weight pushing him down into the floor. He pulls out his sketchbook and tries to make sense of everything he’s feeling. The pain is threatening to consume him.

He’s lost in thought when the soft sound of footsteps approaching makes his ears perk up. His heart clenches in his chest as the panic that someone is here and will find him becomes very real. 

He looks up to the doorway to his right and can’t believe his eyes when he sees Matteo standing there. He feels momentarily frozen, sure that he’s seeing things. How can he be here?

Matteo walks over to the ladder leading into the pool and looks down at David. “Are you kidding me?” Matteo’s voice echos through the room.

He looks mad. 

He climbs down into the pool and quickly makes his way over to David pulling the pool dividers out of the way as David slowly gets up. Matteo gets in his face and pointing down to the sleeping bag at his feet says with a voice laced with frustration, “Are you fucking serious?”

David can’t contain it. This is too much. He feels tears start coming to his eyes. He doesn’t want to cry in front of Matteo. 

Matteo is looking him right in the eye and he sees the anger and frustration melt away to be replaced by deep concern. His voice, when it comes again, is soft, “What’s up?”

He tries to take a clearing breath but it comes out shaky, “I can’t do this anymore.” He feels himself tipping over the edge. He can’t hold any of it in anymore. Matteo needs to know why he needs to leave. Why he’s not worth his time. “At my old school, they called me retard because I had to use the accessible toilet.”

Matteo looks away. He looks embarrassed and maybe a little ashamed. David can’t stop the words now that he’s finally saying this though. No matter how painful this is, he wants Matteo to know it all. “I tried not to take it personally, but I…and the teachers…though they knew, they called me by my fucking birth name. They have…treated me like the lowest of scum and it was only getting worse and I couldn’t sleep anymore and I just wanted to run away.” 

He’s been pushing all of this down for so long, trying to forget it ever happened, all of the hurt and the anger start threatening to explode. He’s feeling hot licks of desperation and despair eating at him. The sadness he tries to hold at bay also starts crashing in. 

He thinks of how he tried to leave all of it behind and the sadness overtakes him, “I wanted a fresh start. And now…I’m at the exact same point again.”

Matteo shakes his head and quietly says “No.”

That reignites the anger in David because Matteo is wrong. He isn’t getting it. “You’ve seen how they looked at their phones. The disgust! It will be the same.”

“No it won’t be.” Matteo sounds so measured, so calm.

David can’t take it anymore. He feels hot with the anger that’s overtaking him. He voice starts rising and he ends up yelling through the hurt and despair. “Of course! They’ll laugh at me or ask, how I pee or have sex or…”

Matteo bursts through stopping him with his own anger, “Yes, but now I’m here!”

David is stunned as he’s never heard Matteo be so forceful or loud. An understanding comes instantly that Matteo doesn’t care about what other people think of David, he’ll be with him regardless. “Then let’s run away somewhere else…”

That seems to make Matteo even angrier, “Dude, no!” he yells back closing the gap between them somewhat.

David’s panic at being in Berlin comes raging back as he screams in Matteo’s face, “What am I supposed to do here?!” 

Matteo charges towards him taking his shirt and jacket in his fists, he yells, “Dude, you should…” and stops himself. His face is so full of anger and hurt before he lightly pushes himself away from David and turns away.

David is feeling anger unlike any he’s felt before in his life. Why is Matteo fighting him on this? What isn’t he saying? David doesn’t feel like he’s done fighting. He spits back, “What?” wanting to hear what Matteo’s great plan is for the two of them.

When Matteo turns back around to face him again, all of the anger is gone from his face. The softness and care that David is so used to seeing has returned. When he continues speaking his voice is quiet again, “You know…” He gets closer and lightly jabs his finger into David’s chest, “you’re so cool and you don’t even notice it yourself, okay? Do you have any idea how supportive everyone was in the last days? Everyone was at my place and thought about what they could do to make you feel better, to help you.”

David can’t believe what he’s hearing. This can’t be true, but he looks in Matteo’s eyes and sees the truth there. He can’t make sense of it. An almost silent “What?” slips out. 

“Okay? And you’re not some fucked up vampire who needs to hide from society or something like that…Okay, that’s not what you are!”

David feels tears threatening again but this time it’s not because of hurt and anger, but from the overwhelming sense that Matteo sees him. Knows him.

“I’m here and therefore you’ve got all the time in the world… because I…because I love you.” Matteo mumbles the end of the sentence while biting on his thumb and instantly turns away. There’s a very quiet “Fuck” as he starts slowly walking back up the slant of the pool.

Time slows down. David is sure he couldn’t possibly have heard that right. It sounded like Matteo told him he loved him but that wasn’t possible. “What?” 

Matteo turns back to him and can’t seem to make eye contact as he says, “I’m not saying it again.” After a second he manages to look David in the eye as he smiles.

David doesn’t want to hope it was real but his heart is swelling and a quick giddiness surges up. He feels a smile come to his face, “What did you say?”

Matteo looks away again while saying completely clearly, “Because I love you.” 

When he drags his eyes back over to David it hits him full force that Matteo isn’t joking. He looks nervous but sure. David is shocked. Matteo just told him he loved him. He surges forward needing to close the distance between them. He presses a kiss to Matteo’s lips and Matteo kisses him back. 

All of the anger and hurt and pain is washed away in the love he feels in Matteo’s kiss. He’s overwhelmed with love for this boy. He cups his face in his hands and pulls back slightly to whisper almost reverently, “I love you too.”

Matteo is smiling so sweetly before leaning forward to kiss him again and it feels like everything good and right in the world. 

David has known for a long time that he's been in love with Matteo, but he never imagined how much it would grow knowing that he wasn't alone in that love. He realizes that to be kissed and held by someone who you know loves you makes you feel invincible. 

He doesn't care what else may happen, as long as he has Matteo by his side he can do anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go and I frankly don't know how I'm going to write happy David after all of this endless angst, but I'm looking forward to not making myself cry while I'm writing.  
I'm hoping to have the last chapter out by the end of next week.   
Thank you everyone for reading and liking and commenting. It means so much.


	10. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love you's have been said. David finally gets everything he could have ever dreamed of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took me way longer to write than anticipated because it's LONG. I just couldn't seem to let him go. I hope you like it.

David and Matteo stay wrapped up in each other, kissing and laughing and holding each other, awash with the new found realization that they are in love. It feels so good. 

Far sooner than David wants him to, Matteo pulls back looking a little concerned.

“What is it?”

Keeping one arm wrapped around him, Matteo starts digging in his pocket, “Sorry my phone just buzzed and I remembered that I promised the guys we’d hang out.” He pulls his phone out of his pocket and shows it to David. There’s a string of messages with Jonas, Carlos, and Abdi all writing about meeting up, with the latest from Jonas wondering where Matteo is.

“Oh,” David feels bad. Matteo was supposed to be with his friends not searching all over Berlin for him. “Umm…you should go if you had plans.”

“What?” Matteo looks surprised. “No, I’ll just tell them we can’t meet them.”

“We?”

“Yeah, of course we.” Matteo says it like it’s the most logical thing in the world. “Yesterday I told them that you and I would meet up with them tonight, but then…well I thought I would hear from you last night.” Matteo tries to smile but it comes across as more of a grimace.

David feels a twist in his gut again. They were going to have to talk about it eventually, about why he'd disappeared, but first there was something that Matteo said that stuck out in David’s mind. “Wait, you told your friends that I would come along? Do your friends know about us?”

“Uh, yeah. That’s ok isn’t it?”

He wasn’t sure if it was ok. “Well, are they ok with it? I mean…with me being…well…me?”

Matteo gives him a look that’s so full of fondness and love it’s almost too much for David to bear…almost. “Of course they’re ok with it. I mean Abdi and Carlos were a little surprised when I told them I’m gay, but they’re totally cool with everything. I told you, they’ve been really worried about you. I thought Carlos was going to go to the school and kick everyone’s ass who might say anything about you.”

David is speechless. He’d been so sure that Matteo would've tried to hide their relationship, and that his friends would never accept him. He didn’t know what to do with this information.

Matteo’s still looking at him and obviously whatever expression he has on his face is funny because he only laughs and shakes his head before pulling away more fully to start typing on his phone.

He’s still looking down at his phone when he spits out a laugh and looks up at David with a look of pure mirth. “Carlos asked if we’re making out! Asshole.” He goes back to typing on his phone. After a minute the smile on his face grows as he quirks his brow and turns his phone towards David and says, “See I told you.”

David sees the response to Matteo letting them know that they weren’t going to hang out, but that everything was ok,

Jonas - Okay! Then tell him hello from us.  
Carlos - Means there’s more vodka for us  
Carlos - Whoopwhoop🙌  
Carlos - But yeah, give him a hug from us!  
Abdi - 🍾  
Abdi - 👊

He isn’t sure how any of these guys exist, but somehow people he’s barely met, people he’d been so scared would hate him and judge him, seem to genuinely care about him. He feels suddenly overwhelmed and feels tears start pricking his eyes.

“Hey, what’s up?” Matteo looks concerned again as he steps closer to wrap him in a hug.

He feels so protected by the embrace. He lets the tears flow and softly into Matteo’s shoulder says, “I…I never thought…I didn’t know anyone would accept me.”

Matteo’s arms wrap themselves tighter around him. “Why wouldn’t they? You’re the best.” He places a kiss on the side of his head as David huffs out a little laugh. 

After a minute Matteo slides back so he can look David in the eye. He takes his face in his hands and wipes the tears away with his thumbs. He looks at him like he’s the most precious thing in the world, “Is it cool if we sit down? I rode my bike all the way over here and I’m exhausted.”

David laughs, thinking that whatever Matteo was going to say while being so tender and looking at him like that, it was definitely not that. “Yeah of course we can.”

They both sit down on his sleeping bag and Matteo immediately flops down almost half in his lap. “Ah, better! If I had to stand for another second I was gonna collapse.”

David starts laughing more. He appreciates that Matteo is trying to make him feel better, he isn’t dwelling on the fact that he just cried. 

They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes, David feeling grounded by the weight of Matteo against his body. He feels so much more at peace than he has in a long time. 

Matteo breaks the silence, “Hey you let Laura know where you were right? ‘Cause we said we would let each other know when we heard from you but she hadn’t sent me anything today.”

“Umm…” The heat rises in his face. He hadn’t let her know and he knows she must be worried.

Matteo turns his head to look at him, “David! You let her know right?”

He just shakes his head, feeling guilt and shame flare up.

Matteo moves to more fully look at him, “David, you have to let her know you’re ok! She’s really worried about you. We both were.”

“Yeah, I know, I just…I don’t know what to say. She’s going to be so mad.”

“It doesn’t matter. Where’s your phone? You need to at least send her an I’m ok message so she doesn’t think you’re dead.”

David knows he’s right. He takes his phone out of his pocket and opens the messages from Laura. Seeing them he feels even worse. She tried to call him five times last night. Then there are the texts,

\- Text me when you’re going to get home  
\- Hey I thought you were taking the train that was getting in around 1900, where are you?  
\- David! Where are you???  
\- I just messaged Matteo, are you with him?  
\- Matteo just messaged me that you aren’t with him and he hasn’t heard from you. Please tell me where you are?  
\- You need to come home  
\- Are you ok?  
\- ????  
\- David please  
\- ?

The obvious panic and worry makes the guilt worse. What was he thinking not letting her know that he was ok? He realizes it’s because last night he didn’t feel ok. He didn’t want to be convinced to come home, but seeing this, he caused this, and he feels terrible. He bites his lip and types,

\- I’m sorry. I’m ok. I’ll be coming home later. Just needed some time.

Laura’s typing bubbles appear immediately,

\- What the hell??? Where are you?

\- I’m with Matteo. I’m ok. I’ll talk to you later ok? I’m sorry.

He puts his phone down and groans before dropping his head onto Matteo’s shoulder. “She’s going to murder me the next time she sees me.”

“Maybe not murder but definitely maim. Do something so you can’t run away again.” Matteo shrugs his shoulder to nudge at David’s head.

He looks up and sees his favorite crooked grin on Matteo’s face. He sits up and lightly shoves him, “Shut up, you’re such an ass.”

That elicits a giggle out of Matteo as he falls back to fully lean against him again. Matteo doesn’t say anything for a few minutes though, clearly letting him process his anxiety over worrying Laura. David starts imagining how his next conversation with Laura is going to go. She’s going to be so disappointed and hurt. 

Apparently believing that he’s given him enough time to dwell, Matteo starts fidgeting against him. “Hey I’ve got an idea.” He takes his phone and opens Instagram. He opens the camera and flips it around so it’s front-facing.

“Matteo, you aren’t seriously going to take a picture right now!” He’s sure he looks the opposite of how you should look when your picture is going to be taken. He’d slept in this pool last night and spent most of the day and the past hour crying. 

“Yeah, hold on.” He slides it over to start recording a boomerang. He doesn’t give David any time to prepare himself before he starts recording. Matteo starts shaking his head back and forth making David smile slightly at the complete idiocy of this boy he loves. Once he stops recording he watches it a couple times and starts typing something, “There, perfect! Now look cool.”

The phone comes up again and David tries his best to ‘look cool’. After he records and posts that he starts taking selfies, prompting David to make stupid faces along with him. By the end of it they’re both laughing and he realizes that the guilt that was starting to feel like it was consuming him about Laura is lessened. 

They sit for a while longer fooling around taking pictures. At one point David gets the phone away from Matteo and Matteo retaliates by getting his sketchbook and attempts to draw in it with the pen in his mouth. This normally would have annoyed David because his sketchbooks are important to him, but right now he finds it endearing. 

When Matteo finally takes his phone back he looks surprised, “Dude it’s getting really late. What’re we gonna do?”

“What do you mean what’re we gonna do?”

“I mean, are we gonna stay here all night? Or do you want to go?”

“Oh, I don’t know. What do you wanna do?”

Matteo looks like he’s considering it, “I mean…it’s kind of nice how quiet it is here, just you and me. Maybe we stay?”

David’s heart swells at how sweetly Matteo suggests it. “If it’s cool with you, it’s cool with me.” He places a kiss on the top of Matteo’s head.

“Cool. I mean as long as that man with the fucking dog who was here last time doesn’t show up, I’m good.”

“I was here all last night and all day today and didn’t see anyone, I think we’ll be ok.”

“Great. So sleep?” Matteo starts stretching and yawning.

It occurs to David that he should probably change out of his binder before going to sleep. He’s been wearing it all day and the last couple times he spent the night with Matteo he hadn’t taken it off and regretted it the next day. But he doesn’t know how Matteo will react to him without it.

“Umm…yeah, I uh, just need to…uh…change.”

Matteo gives him a confused look, “Like into pajamas? I was assuming we’d just sleep in our clothes.”

“Uh, no, I…” shit how was he going to say this. “I, uh, wear something that I shouldn’t sleep in.”

Matteo thinks for second then his expression clears, “Oh one of those binder things? Yeah you should take that off. You’re not supposed to sleep in it.”

David’s shocked, “How do you know what a binder is?”

Matteo blushes slightly and looks down at his hands, “I…umm…I read everything about being transgender after you told me. I didn’t want to mess up and say or do something wrong. I was worried I was going to say something stupid and you would hate me.”

He’s amazed again at how much he loves this boy. How thoughtful and caring he is. He takes Matteo’s face in his hands and kisses him. He pulls back to look him in the eyes, “Thank you.”

Matteo rolls his eyes slightly while a small smile comes to his lips, “You don’t have to thank me for that.”

“Ok, but thank you anyway.” He pauses for a second thinking about how to phrase what he wants to say next, “So…I’ve never had it off around anyone but Laura. I’m a little nervous.”

Matteo smiles softly and kisses him. “What are you nervous about?”

“It’s kind of hard to explain, but after I change can you not look at my body? And not touch my chest when we lie down?”

“Sure, of course. Tell me if I do something wrong or something that makes you uncomfortable ok?”

David smiles and nods. “Ok.” He stands up and rummages through his bag for his hoodie and grabs his toothbrush and toothpaste. “There’s a working bathroom down the hall? Do you wanna come and get ready for bed?”

Matteo yawns again before smiling and lifting his arm in the air, “Can you help me up?”

David grabs his hand and yanks him up laughing, “Ugh you’re so lazy.”

As Matteo stumbles to his feet he says, “Hey, I told you that the first time we hung out. You shouldn’t be surprised or annoyed.”

David knocks his shoulder before pulling himself from the pool with Matteo grunting his way up the ladder after him. As they walk to the bathroom Matteo takes his hand and he feels the warmth spread from the contact up through his whole body. 

True to his word, once David has changed Matteo appears to be consciously keeping his eyes up. He also lets David get himself situated in the sleeping bag before joining him, being careful to wrap his arm around his waist while putting his other one under his head. He places a soft kiss on the side of his neck before whispering “Goodnight” and his breathing evens out.

David feels warm and protected in Matteo’s embrace and although he’s pretty sure he’s already fallen asleep and can’t hear him, he says a quiet, “I love you” before falling asleep himself.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

David wakes up with a weight pressing down on his back and a crick in his neck. He shifts against the weight and hears a groan. He turns his head and sees Matteo’s sleeping face right next to him. He carefully slides himself around so he’s facing Matteo instead, just so he can get a better look. He very carefully lifts his hand to brush away the hair that’s draped over his eyes. He forgets himself for a moment and keeps moving his hand over Matteo’s face, caressing him and marveling over how much he loves him.

Matteo’s eyes slowly slide open and when they appear to focus he breaks out in a grin. With the strain of sleep still fully present he croaks out a quiet, “Good morning.”

David pulls back his hand as he feels a blush enflame his cheeks at being caught out but nudges his nose against Matteo’s as he quietly replies, “Good morning.” 

They lie there quietly staring into each other’s eyes letting the wonder at waking up next to each other sink in. David thinks of the last time he woke up next to Matteo and how different it feels now. He hopes Matteo isn’t thinking about all the times he expected to wake up next to him only to find the bed empty. This is infinitely better than he could have hoped for and smiles when he realizes it’ll be even better when they aren’t squeezed into a thin sleeping bag on the hard surface of an abandoned pool.

Matteo leans forward and kisses his cheek before he rolls over onto his back and stretches his arms over his head. He scrubs his hands over his face a few times before turning his head to look at David again and asks, “So?”

“So what?”

“So what do you wanna do now?”

Oh. He hadn’t thought about what he would want to do today. His original plan would’ve had him back at Luise’s house by now, having left Matteo and Berlin behind. He’s incredibly happy that that plan has been abandoned but now he has no idea what to do next. “Uh, I don’t know.”

Matteo appears to think for a moment, “Hmm, well I’m starving. So how about we go get something to eat?”

David shrugs, “Sure, we can do that.”

“Great. Let’s go!” He starts getting up from the ground but David stays where he is suddenly feeling self conscious. Matteo turns to look at him still under the sleeping bag and reaches his hand out offering it to David to grab to be pulled up.

“Umm…sorry,” he feels his face flame again, “can you, uh, turn around?”

Matteo’s eyes widen slightly, “Oh shit, yeah sure.” He spins around quickly.

David feels foolish that he needs this but is so thankful that Matteo didn’t make a big deal out of it. He gets up from the ground and adjusts his hoodie making sure it’s fully pulled away from his body. He places his hand on Matteo’s shoulder to let him know it’s ok now, “Uh, sorry, I know it’s weird and…”

Matteo places his hand over David’s which stops him from continuing. He turns to look David in the eye and says with the softness that David knows he only shows him, “You don’t need to apologize for anything that makes you uncomfortable. I’m cool with anything you need.” He gives him another kiss on the cheek and David can only nod his head because the pure relief and joy he’s feeling is making him choke up.

He takes a few clearing breaths before releasing Matteo’s hand and turns back toward his bag which had doubled for their pillow. “I just need to go get ready before we go.”

“Cool. I’ll just wait for you here then.”

“Don’t you want to like freshen up or something? We did just sleep on the ground of an abandoned building.” David shakes his head and can’t help but laugh slightly.

Matteo huffs, “Fine. I’m borrowing your toothbrush though, brushing with my finger last night was gross.”

“Ew, you’re not using my toothbrush.”

“Why not? We kiss, it’s basically the same thing.”

“How is that the same thing?” David is fully laughing now and looking at the expression on Matteo’s face he can tell that he’s being completely serious and won’t be convinced he’s wrong. “Ugh, fine whatever, but I’m using it first.”

Matteo gives him a wide grin clearly pleased that he won.

Once they get ready and David’s feeling a little bit more like himself, they decide that they’ll leave all of his stuff here while they venture out to find somewhere to eat and will come back to get it after.

They find a cafe a few blocks from the base and sit to have coffee and pastries for their breakfast. They end up sitting and talking long after the food and drinks are done like they always seem to when they’re together. When David looks to see what time it is it’s the middle of the afternoon and he isn’t sure where the time went. 

He knows they should probably head home sooner rather than later but he’s dreading facing Laura. When he’s been quiet for too long Matteo kicks him lightly under the table to get his attention, “Hey, what’s up?”

David blinks up at him, “Oh, uh, I was just thinking that we should start thinking about heading home…”

Matteo looks at him expectantly, “But?”

He clears his throat, “But Laura’s going to kill me when I get home.”

Matteo hums. “True.” He looks like he’s trying to suppress it but fails as his crooked smile spreads over his face.

David kicks him under the table, “Shut up.”

Matteo giggles but then schools his features before continuing, “Seriously David, I’m sure it’ll be ok. She might be mad but she’s probably more worried. You can’t avoid her forever.” David grimaces at the thought of how disappointed she’ll be. “But if you’re really that worried we can go back to my place if you want.”

“Will your roommates be there?”

“I don’t know, maybe. It’s Saturday so Hans might be out and I don’t know if Mia will be staying at Alex’s or not, but Linn might be home.”

He huffs out a breath. Why did Matteo have to live with so many people? He’s feeling so much better than yesterday but he isn’t sure whether he’s up for having a house full of people around him. “Ok, I need some time to think about it.”

“Ok, should we go get your stuff in the meantime?”

“Yeah probably.”

They head back to the base hand in hand, Matteo quietly walking beside him while he considers what he feels like doing. The steady presence of Matteo at his side is both helping and distracting him. Matteo seems to be absentmindedly drawing circles with his thumb on the back of David’s hand and each pass is shooting sparks through his body. The momentary separation as they each jump the fence makes the thought, ‘I don’t care where we go as long as Matteo can keep touching me’ flash through his mind.

He’s not sure where it’s coming from but the sudden need to get as close to Matteo as humanly possible overcomes him once they’re inside the building. He grabs Matteo and kisses him deeply.

Matteo stumbles back before slightly pulling away. “Woah, what was that for?”

David feels a little embarrassed and starts pulling away as well, “Sorry, I just really wanted to kiss you.”

Matteo catches his arm to stop him pulling away further, smiles, and says, “Cool,” before pulling David toward him to kiss him just as forcefully back. 

They start stumbling around banging into walls, grabbing at each other, each seeming to not be able to get close enough to the other. David’s fully pressed against Matteo, completely consumed with want and feeling light-headed when Matteo suddenly stills and stops kissing him. David huffs out, “What?” at the loss of Matteo’s lips on his.

Matteo starts blushing and pulls away. “Uh, sorry. Shit.”

David comes back to himself a bit and realizes that Matteo looks concerned and he panics, “What is it? Are you ok? Is something wrong? Did I do something wrong?”

Matteo can’t seem to meet his eyes, “No, you definitely didn’t do anything wrong. I…umm…” his face is so red. “I just don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

David’s confused. He was feeling anything but uncomfortable before Matteo stopped. “You weren’t making me uncomfortable at all.” He reaches out to cup Matteo’s face. Hoping that he’ll start looking at him.

Matteo seems to be taking very deep breaths. He still isn’t looking at him. “I just need a second to calm down.”

Realization hits David hard. His first impulse is to laugh because this is pretty much the most endearing thing he’s ever seen. He pushes the laughter down though knowing that the last thing that Matteo needs right now is for him to laugh at him. Once the desire to laugh passes he’s left with the slight feeling of awe that he managed to elicit that from Matteo. He rubs his thumbs against Matteo’s cheeks as leans his forehead against his and says, “It’s ok.”

They stand with Matteo taking deep, even breaths for a couple minutes before Matteo wraps his arms around him and buries his face in his neck. A muffled, “Sorry that was embarrassing” comes out.

David can’t help the small laugh that escapes him as he pulls Matteo closer, “No, it’s fine.” He thinks for a moment about what just happened and realizes that he and Matteo need to talk about what it means for them to be together. He doesn’t want Matteo to feel embarrassed ever again.

He pulls away from Matteo and holds his face in his hands again and waits for him to look at him. “We should maybe talk about it.”

Matteo’s face gets even redder and he can see that he’s incredibly uncomfortable. “We really don’t have to, it’s not a big deal.”

God this was awkward. David steels himself knowing that they can’t just pretend that they didn’t need to talk about it. “Umm, it kind of is a big deal.” When he sees Matteo start rolling his eyes he quickly adds, “I don’t really want to talk about it either, but if we’re going to be together, it’s going to come up…unless…I don’t know, are we together?”

Matteo’s eyes widen, “Of course we are. Unless you don’t want to be my boyfriend.”

David feels a smile stretch over his face. “Boyfriend? Really?” He always kind of doubted he’d ever get to be someone’s boyfriend, but hearing Matteo say it makes it feel like his heart is going to burst out of his chest.

Matteo’s expression changes and he looks wary, “I mean, if you don’t want to be…”

“What are you talking about, of course I want to be your boyfriend.” He starts laughing feeling the complete joy overflowing out of him as he wraps his arms around Matteo. 

Matteo huffs out a little laugh into his shoulder and says, “Oh, ok good.” He then kisses the side of David’s neck which makes a thrill race through his body. They definitely needed to talk.

He pulls away from Matteo and looks him in the eyes. As he takes his hand to lead him over to the staircase down the hall from them he says, “Come.”

They sit down just barely out of reach and stare at each other for a moment. David’s willing himself to start speaking, forcing himself to get over how awkward this conversation is going to be. 

Matteo surprises him by speaking first, “Have you ever been with anyone before?”

“What?” David is taken aback by the question and a little embarrassed by the truth, “Uh, no. Is that weird to you?”

“Why would that be weird to me?”

“Well because you’ve been with someone before.”

Matteo gives him a look of pure confusion, “No I haven’t.”

“What? What about Sara?”

Matteo looks slightly ashamed as he looks down at his hands, “Sara and I never…I mean I’m gay and she’s a girl so…”

David just stares at him for a second. He hadn’t expected for Matteo to be inexperienced.

When he hasn’t said anything Matteo looks back up at him, “What’re you looking at me like that for?”

“Sorry I don’t know, I guess I just assumed that you had.”

“Well I haven’t. So…” he buries his head in his hands and loudly huffs out a breath, “David, this is so awkward.”

David shifts himself to sit closer to Matteo so he can pull his hands away from his face, “I know, but I don’t want you to constantly be worrying about making me uncomfortable or…you know…for me to think you might not want to do certain things with me.”

Matteo’s head snaps up, “What do you mean?”

“Well like…” oh god, Matteo was right, this is so awkward. He rushes out, “do you want to have sex with me?”

Matteo’s eyes look like they’re going to pop out of his head as his face gets very red. He mumbles out, “Yes, of course I do.”

David feels his face heat with a blush he’s sure is matching Matteo’s. “Ok…” he clears his throat, “good.”

They both start shyly smiling at each other as David becomes acutely aware of where his hands are touching Matteo’s skin on his wrists. Thoughts that David doesn’t normally allow himself start coming of what it would be like to be with Matteo. Images are flashing through his mind and he stops short as he starts feeling a little panicked. He has a hard time being naked by himself, how would he ever manage it with someone else?

“Umm…just…I’m not sure about you seeing me without clothes on.” He’s not able to keep eye contact as he says it.

Matteo wraps his arms around his waist and pulls him almost totally into his lap. He rests his head against David’s and quietly says, “That’s ok. We’ll figure it out.”

He looks up into Matteo’s eyes and sees nothing but pure love. He kisses him softly before nodding and saying, “Ok.” 

They sit holding onto each other for a few minutes before Matteo says, “I guess that wasn’t too bad.” 

David hums his agreement and says, “Should we head to my place now?”

Matteo quirks one of his eyebrows and grins as he says, “Mr. Schreibner are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?”

He laughs as he pushes himself off Matteo’s lap and stands up, “Ugh you’re so annoying, come on let’s go.”

Matteo grabs his outstretched hand and laughs as he pulls himself up, “That wasn’t a no.”

David just shakes his head but feels warm at the feeling of Matteo’s hand in his and the knowledge that he very much had not said no.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

After gathering all of his stuff they make their way to the nearest train station with Matteo cursing that he rode his bike because now he has to wrangle it onto the train.

As they sit on the long train ride home, David is having a hard time concentrating on anything other than the feeling of Matteo’s leg and side completely pressed up against his own. He keeps having to bat away Matteo’s hand that keeps trailing up his neck into his hair. Just when he thinks he won the battle of Matteo trying to mess up his hair, he shifts and Matteo drapes one of his legs over his lap. Matteo’s head then comes down onto his shoulder and featherlight kisses are brushing his neck.

He shifts again to try to displace the boy who seems bound and determined to be as affectionate as possible. He pokes him in the side and whispers loudly so Matteo will hear him over the sound of the train, “Matteo, we’re in public.”

“So?” Matteo scoffs as he plants a much more assertive kiss on his jaw.

David turns his body and tries to give Matteo his most cutting glare. “So, people are starting to stare.”

Matteo looks up to seemingly only now register that they aren’t alone in the train car. He shrugs, “So?”

“Please Matteo.” David hates having people looking at him. Although he would love nothing more than to kiss Matteo with everything he has right now, he feels like everyone’s eyes are boring into him.

Matteo looks at him with a near pout but then softens, brushes his fingertips over David’s cheek, and says, “Sorry, I’ll stop.” He smiles his crooked grin though before continuing, “It’s just hard when my boyfriend’s so hot.”

“Shut up,” David blushes and wonders if he’ll ever stop loving how amazing it is to hear himself being referred to as Matteo’s boyfriend.

When they finally get to their stop, he starts feeling apprehensive. He wants nothing more than to take Matteo home and do things that make him blush when he thinks about them, but he also knows that Laura will be there.

When they exit the station, Matteo turns to start walking in the direction of David’s place. He panics, “Hey, do you want to go get some dinner before we head home? We’ve barely eaten today.”

Matteo turns to him and he feels like he sees right through him but he just smiles, shrugs, and says, “Sure, I’m starving.”

They pick a small restaurant a few blocks from David’s apartment and are seated near the back. David appreciates that they’re tucked away and he can feel himself start to calm down. Once their food arrives Matteo eats shockingly quickly while David finds himself taking small, slow bites trying to draw out the meal as much as possible.

When Matteo’s been done eating for several minutes he scrutinizes David’s still half full plate and looks up at him, “Are you trying to take forever?” 

He doesn’t answer, just resumes slowly chewing his food.

Matteo continues looking at him and when it’s clear he isn’t going to say anything, he moves his chair over to sit beside him instead of across from him. He leans in close and quietly says, “I might die if you don’t hurry up. Like seriously, I really need to kiss you.”

David almost chokes on his food as Matteo places his hand high up on his thigh. He sputters out, “We’re still in public Matteo.”

“I know, that’s why I need you to hurry up.”

He blushes at how forward Matteo is being. He feels heat rise in his chest and it wipes the worry at finding Laura at home away. 

Forcing himself not to just drop his fork right then and leave money on the table knowing that that would give Matteo too much satisfaction, he takes another bite and says around it, “We can’t leave until we pay anyway.”

Matteo whips his head around looking for their server and he can’t help but laugh at how eager he is. It takes mere minutes for Matteo to get their bill and pay before looking expectantly back at David.

He smiles as he takes one more bite and Matteo rolls his eyes saying, “You’re driving me insane. Let’s go.” He takes the fork from David’s hand and drags him up from his seat before he’s finished chewing.

David can only laugh as he’s half dragged out of the restaurant with Matteo moving faster than he thinks he’s ever seen him move. Once outside Matteo makes quick work of unlocking his bike and starts walking in the direction of David’s place. 

David is still standing outside the restaurant feeling like he’s moving in slow motion in comparison to Matteo’s quick movements. Matteo looks back over his shoulder as he keeps walking and calls back, “Are you coming?”

He laughs as he jogs to catch up. 

When they get to David’s building Matteo stops to lock up his bike while David takes the chance to go ahead looking back at Matteo to parrot teasingly, “Are you coming?”

He then runs up the stairs knowing that Matteo will come bounding after him. He barely gets to his door and gets the key in the lock before Matteo is behind him spinning him around to place a searing kiss on his lips. 

The kiss deepens quickly. David wraps one arm around Matteo’s shoulders pulling him in closer while the other fumbles over to find the key in the lock which he manages to turn.

When he gets the door open he pulls away from the kiss to let them into the apartment. He tries to quiet the squeaking door, not wanting to draw attention to Laura that he’s home. As he steps aside to let Matteo in, Matteo gives him a look like he’s never seen before while he licks his lips before he reaches out to pull him back into a kiss. 

He starts pulling away slightly so he can close the door quietly behind them and he whispers, “Shhh, my sister,” as he pushes Matteo lightly against the wall.

As he turns back to Matteo his eyes are shining as he mockingly replies, “Shhh, your sister,” before he starts laughing quietly.

David shakes his head at how annoying his boyfriend is, but he can’t help but love it all the same. He almost silently says, “Come here,” as he pulls Matteo back into a kiss and drags him back into his bedroom. 

Once they enter the room he breaks away again to close the door only this time when he turns back, Matteo isn’t standing waiting for him. He’s walked further into his room and is taking off his coat and scarf. It’s dark so as David starts taking off his coat, he walks over to his large floor lamp and turns it on. It throws shadows around the room and Matteo starts turning in place looking around.

David feels slightly exposed with Matteo standing in his room. No one really ever comes in here. It’s his most sacred space. 

He takes a deep breath as he walks over to his desk to turn on a large lamp there as well. When he turns around to see Matteo quietly looking around in the middle of the room he feels a safety and surety at the sight. He’s never imagined being at this point with someone and feeling wholly sure that it was right and true, and that he would want to give himself over to the other person completely. 

He slowly walks over to where Matteo is standing and touches his shoulder to get him to turn to face him. He’s surprised that the boldness that Matteo had minutes ago seems to be gone and instead there’s a quiet reserve in its place. He moves like he may kiss him but doesn’t. Their foreheads are lightly pressed together as they just breathe each other in.

David feels like Matteo might be holding back, wanting him to take the lead, so he reaches up and takes the zipper of his hoodie in his fingers and starts pulling it down. Matteo’s breath is shaky and David can feel him trembling, so he takes it slow giving Matteo time to stop him if he needs him to. When he gets it fully unzipped he pushes it off his shoulders as Matteo moves to remove it from his arms to drop it on the floor. 

Matteo has his head down, seeming almost bashful. It’s reminding David of the first time they kissed and how nervous and quiet Matteo was then too. He needed to take the initiative then, and he has no problem doing it now. He takes Matteo’s face in his hands to tilt it up to kiss him. Matteo kisses him back as he feels his hands come to his waist and grab the hem of his sweater.

If he had time for any thoughts outside of how amazing it felt to be so close to Matteo, he would be astounded that in this moment that he had always silently feared he felt calm and happy and free. He wants this, he wants Matteo.

As Matteo tries to pull his sweater up he seems to be struggling, so David he reaches up and pulls it over his head needing Matteo to focus back on kissing him again. 

He feels so sure in every movement he’s making. He feels like everything else in the world has slipped away and all there is is Matteo. He doesn’t even think when he starts pulling Matteo’s shirt up, just wanting more of him. 

As Matteo leans over slightly to drop his shirt on the ground, David’s eyes fall to the juncture of his neck and his shoulder and how soft the skin looks there. He leans forward to kiss it and as his lips make contact Matteo lets out a breathy laugh. It’s the first sound Matteo’s made since they came in the room and it pulls David back into where they are and what they’re doing. 

He pulls back to look at Matteo and whispers, “Ticklish?” Matteo breathes out another laugh accompanied by the shyest smile. He’s overcome with how much he loves him as he surges forward to kiss him again. 

He feels Matteo’s fingers lightly graze his sides as he starts lifting his shirt. He can feel it in Matteo’s kiss how much he wants him and it gives him the confidence he needs to lift his arms to allow Matteo to remove his shirt. 

He’s never done this before. He’s never allowed anyone but Laura to see him in his binder. Matteo’s so close he feels his stomach brush against his own and it feels like sparks under his skin. It pushes the fire that was already burning into an inferno. 

He traces his hand down Matteo’s stomach as Matteo kisses his neck. He’s in awe at the softness of his skin until his hand reaches his waistband and it pulls him up short. A short burst of fear creeps in. Maybe this was going too fast. Maybe they should take a little more time. Was he really ready to let Matteo in in this way?

As though Matteo can read his thoughts, he stops kissing him and pulls away slightly. He whispers on a shaky breath, “I’m nervous.”

Relief floods David. Of course he’s not alone in his feelings. He whispers back, “I am too,” and it’s like everything clicks perfectly in place. He knew it before but it seeps into every part of him now, he’ll never be alone in anything again as long as he has Matteo. And he does have Matteo, completely. 

He caresses the skin of Matteo’s face feeling like with every breath they’re binding themselves to each other. Matteo leans in and kisses him again and it’s as though they’re saying to each other, ‘We’ll be all right together.’

Their kisses start becoming more insistent and it gives David that sense of surety again as he pulls on Matteo’s belt to undo it. And as though it were nothing at all Matteo is now standing against him in only his boxers as he starts unbuttoning his pants. 

There’s now no hesitation in Matteo’s movements. It’s as though he needed to say he was nervous and hear that David felt the same way for him to get over it. 

When both of them have shed their pants and kicked them across the room, they stop and look at each other. They share a smile and Matteo asks quietly, “Bed?”

David smiles more broadly as he nods his head. He takes Matteo’s hand to lead him over to his bed. Matteo kneels down on the mattress pulling David down with him and they shuffle to get under the covers. Once they’re lying down, Matteo keeps pulling the sheet up over their heads.

David laughs and asks, “What are you doing?”

Matteo tucks the sheet up under the pillows at the top of the bed before fully laying down and facing David to say, “I just want it to be you and me, no distractions.” There’s no hint of a joke when he says it and David’s heart soars.

Somehow Matteo has managed to make his room feel even safer for him, as now that they’re lying completely cocooned by the sheet, David feels like there isn’t anything in the world but him and Matteo. He looks at Matteo in wonder that this perfect boy is his.

Matteo leans forward to kiss him and he tumbles down into his love. 

Every kiss and touch that Matteo places on his skin is filled with love and reverence and David feels, not for the first time but with definitely the most certainty, that he’s cherished. 

Matteo moves down his body to plant soft kisses on his stomach and he’s amazed by the warmth that spreads from the sensation of his lips there. Matteo starts moving back up and looks at him through his lashes as he lightly touches his lips to his binder. The action is almost too much to bear. David cups his face to pull him back up into a kiss, completely overcome with love for him. 

Matteo starts running his hands through his hair as he's endlessly kissing him. David feels like every inch of himself is on fire. He glides his hands down Matteo’s sides until they meet the waistband of his boxers. As his fingers start pushing underneath, he pulls back slightly to whisper, “Is this ok?”

Matteo breathes back a quiet, “Yeah,” before kissing him again. David continues to push his boxers off until Matteo pulls away to tilt down to remove them fully. He’s glad that the light filtering in through the sheet is casting a red glow on them both because he’s pretty sure his face is a bright scarlet at the sight of Matteo now completely naked before him. It’s quickly marked as his favorite sight in the world.

Before Matteo makes another move his eyes trace down David’s body and his hands hover over David’s own boxers. He looks him in eye as he asks, “Can I?”

David takes a deep, shaky breath before nodding and quietly replying, “Yes.”

Matteo is slow and careful as he pulls them off. When he looks back up at David he has a small smile on his lips and wonder in his eyes. David could’ve never imagined being looked at the way Matteo is currently looking at him. He’s never felt how he’s feeling about himself now either. He’s so happy he could burst.

He reaches for Matteo and is met with the feeling of his skin under his fingertips and his lips on his neck. He wants to live in this moment for the rest of his life. 

When they fully join David feels like all the stray threads that make up who he is find their place. Matteo ties him together and makes him whole. He wishes there was a way to tell Matteo that in a way he would understand but words are failing him as he’s overcome with a rush of every emotion and sensation he imagines exist.

Matteo is so gentle in every movement and touch. David understands that he’s showing him with everything he has how much love there is between them. 

After, they lay quietly holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes. No words are spoken but they’re not needed, they know that there is everything and nothing to say all at once. The idea of sex had always scared David at most, embarrassed him at least, but laying here with Matteo he now understood what it was to truly love someone and to be loved back and that what they had just done was just the most complete expression of that. 

He leans forward and kisses Matteo once more before settling himself back to watch Matteo’s eyes slide shut before he closes his as well. He tries to will himself not to sleep so he can relish this moment a little longer, but in the end he loses out and slips into a blissful and tranquil sleep.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

David is awoken by a sharp jab to his side. This is followed by several more jabs and the bed shaking underneath him. He groans out a “What?” to whatever is causing this intrusion to his sleep. 

He hears Matteo’s voice laughing out, “Wake up!”

He may love Matteo, but he really doesn’t like him at the moment, “Stop it!”

Matteo mocks back, “Stop it!”

David can’t help himself, he laughs. He can’t let Matteo think he’s won by eliciting that laugh though, so he rolls over and tries to say sternly, “No comments from the peanut gallery.”

Matteo laughs and wraps his arms around his shoulders, pulling him into his side. He then moves his hands up to capture his head in his hands as he moves in close and says, “Kiss me, you ass.”

“Nope.” Although he would like nothing more than to kiss him right now, he’s bound and determined not the let Matteo get his way after waking him up so rudely. He tries to pull back but Matteo’s grip is too strong and Matteo manages to plant a kiss on his lips. 

Because the feeling of kissing him is better than winning the mini-battle they were starting, he instantly gives in and kisses him back. Matteo breaks away as he pulls him onto his side and places one of David’s hands on the back of his head. David takes the opportunity to pull Matteo into a more satisfying kiss before leaning his head against Matteo’s chest. 

He may have been annoyed at being woken up so jarringly, but he’s now overjoyed at waking up to Matteo like this in his bed. Matteo though seems not to be done because the next thing he knows he feels Matteo’s hand start threading its way up into his hair before he feels a strong tug. “Ow!” Ugh, his boyfriend is such a little shit. 

He can give as good as he gets though, so he reaches up to take a large chunk of Matteo’s hair in his hands to give it just as strong of a tug in retribution. 

When he releases his hair, he lets his hand just flop back down to the back of Matteo’s head. Matteo doesn’t do anything else in retaliation and it’s like the teasing needed to happen to get them here, where contentment is washing over both of them. David feels so at peace cradled into Matteo’s side. 

Matteo slowly starts grazing his fingers over David’s shoulder as he quietly says, “That’s good.”

David feels like the hush from the night before has returned as he whispers out, “What?”

“This.” Matteo shifts and takes a breath. “Everything.”

David hums his assent. He knows exactly what Matteo means. This is perfect.

“Since when did you know?” 

The question catches David off-guard, but he feels like now he can say literally anything to Matteo so answers, “Actually, always.” Matteo is tracing soft circles over his skin and it’s making him feel a calmness unlike anything he’s ever felt before. “I’ve never…umm…” he hesitates not out of nervousness but more as a result of the grogginess he’s still feeling, “never felt like myself. Really weird. I didn’t know what it was. And then I…” ok this part he’s a little embarrassed by, “Googled my symptoms.” He’s always felt kind of stupid that he couldn’t figure out that he was transgender himself and had to resort to Googling it.

He stops and bites his lip. He feels foolish and is waiting for Matteo to react to what he just said. A nervous laugh starts escaping before Matteo’s face screws up as he slightly laughs out, “Seriously?”

David feels relief at the reaction because the last thing he wanted was for Matteo to pity him. He understands how ridiculous he feels that that was his solution.

He feels more confident as he continues, “Yes. So I found people who experienced the same things I did. And they called it transgender.”

Matteo seems to contemplate that for a minute. “Hm. How long ago was that?”

“Hmm…” it seems like it was forever ago. David does some math in his head thinking back to when he first figured it all out, “Four, five years.” He takes Matteo’s hand in his needing the extra connection as the thoughts of what his life had been like then start coming back. “Eventually I went to a psychologist. To get the shots.”

“Testosterone?”

He nods and hums. He’s feeling a little self conscious suddenly because although he knows he can say anything to Matteo, he’s never talked about these details with anyone outside his family and his doctors before. 

He shifts and releases Matteo’s hand, suddenly feeling the need to move. He looks down and regrets it slightly as he’s confronted with Matteo’s perfectly flat chest. He becomes instantly aware that he’s still wearing his binder and a hint of jealousy creeps in. He starts running his hand along Matteo’s chest but stops himself before the thoughts wondering why he can’t have that too start taking over. He instead wraps his arm around Matteo’s waist focusing on the solid body underneath him instead.

“Do you wanna get anything done?” David is starting to think that maybe Matteo can read his mind.

“You mean surgery?”

“Mhm.”

He contemplates for a second not saying anything. Matteo would understand if he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about this. But then again, it’s Matteo. He never wants to keep anything from Matteo ever again.

He takes a breath, “Well, top surgery for sure.” He doesn’t know whether Matteo will be ok with what he says next, “And bottom surgery, I don’t know…Is that bad?”

There’s a pause and David feels like he may pass out from the silence. 

“No, you’re good the way you are.”

Matteo has said so many wonderful and amazing things to David in the time they’ve known each other, but this is the one thing that David knows he’ll be able to hear as clear as this moment for the rest of his life. He tries to suppress the way his face is trying to break into a giant grin. He knows Matteo well enough to know that if he makes a big deal out of what he just said he’ll never hear the end of it. 

He manages to hide the absolute joy he’s feeling when he responds, “That’s all right then.” He can see that Matteo is looking at him out of almost closed eyes so he raises his hand back up to cup the back of his head before saying with all the seriousness he can muster, “You’re not that shitty either.”

He tilts Matteo’s head closer to his own to kiss him once, twice, then it seems that Matteo’s brain has actually caught up with the words David just said to him. “Not that shitty?”

David nods, “Mhm.” He’s trying his hardest not to laugh.

“Not that shitty?!”

“Not that shitty,” David repeats.

Matteo starts stretching as he smiles and says, “You rather mean…the best!”

David laughs because he really can’t argue with that. 

Suddenly there’s loud noises coming from outside the room and David is instantly reminded that they aren’t alone, “Fuck, my sister.”

Matteo looks toward the door and asks, “What about your sister?”

“Don’t you hear her? She’ll kill me.”

“She’s making breakfast.”

The sounds of Édith Piaf’s voice come filtering into the room. 

David knows that what Matteo is saying is logical and true, but all he can feel is dread. “Mhm. I don’t wanna go out there.”

Matteo pats him on the shoulder and says, “Come on, it won’t be that bad.”

“No.”

Matteo wraps him in hug and laughs, “Come on, let’s go!”

David wonders if he can tease Matteo into letting this go, “You stay here!”

Matteo is apparently not going to let him have his way as he yells, “I’m hungryyyy!”

David could kill him with how loud that was. There’s no way Laura didn’t hear it. “Shut up!” He tries to cover Matteo’s mouth but Matteo uses a surprising amount of strength to grab his arm and hold him in place.

Matteo looks at him struggling and says, “I’ll go!”

“No!”

“Oh yes!” Matteo sits up dragging him up with him. He gets off the bed and starts grabbing clothes off the ground.

“Matteo, no.”

Matteo just looks at him as he pulls on some pants. He then bends over and grabs a shirt and before David fully registers it, he’s pulling his grey sweater over his head and walking out of the room. 

He sits for a moment wanting to be mad at Matteo for abandoning him here, but can’t because he knows he’s right. 

He looks and sees that Matteo had grabbed every item of clothing but his own from the floor and David can’t help but feel warm all over that his boyfriend is currently wearing his clothes. He gets up and starts putting on Matteo’s discarded clothing wanting to see what he thinks when he sees him in them.

He takes a breath and slowly walks out of his room. The music has stopped and he can hear Laura and Matteo’s voices coming from the kitchen. He quietly steps into the kitchen and sees Matteo sitting on a stool at the counter and Laura’s back is to him. He swallows all his nerves and says, “Hey.”

Laura turns toward him and gives him a look that he knows means he’s in shit, “Na?” She holds the look for a second before softening and stepping toward him to wrap him in a tight hug. She pulls back and looks him straight in the eye, “Don’t you ever do that again!”

David’s relieved that that was it. He looks down feeling ashamed because it should have been so much worse. He forces himself to look back at her so she knows he means it as he says, “Yes. I’m sorry.”

She rubs his arms and smiles, “Good.” She turns back again to resume cooking.

He releases the breath he’d been holding in and turns to see Matteo looking at him. He’s pleased to see that the outfit had the desired effect because as he steps toward him, Matteo’s eyes are hooded as they trace up and down his body and a smile comes to his face. When he gets to his side Matteo reaches down and takes his hand.

Trying to force himself not to fixate completely on the way Matteo is looking at him or the feeling of their hands intertwined, he turns to Laura and sees her pulling a pan from the stove. Apparently she’s not that mad because she’s made his favorite, “You’ve made shakshuka?” Matteo is apparently not on the same page though because he leans his head on his shoulder and David has to again force himself from leaning fully into the action because his sister is right here. “Awesome!” He pushes away from Matteo, “Come.”

He goes to sit at the table with Laura following after him when Matteo asks, “What is that?”

He realizes he’s eaten very few meals with Matteo. He doesn’t know how willing he is to try new things. “It’s a dish from the Middle East. Baked eggs with tomatoes. You don’t have to eat it if you don’t want, we also have sandwiches.”

Matteo comes and sits next to him at the table, “No, it sounds really good.”

Laura starts plating portions for them before sitting down herself. 

Before David has even started getting his first forkful he hears a muffled, “Mmm” coming from Matteo. 

He’s about to take a bite himself when Laura interrupts, “The school called.”

Shit. He’d forgotten about all of that. He can tell by her tone she’s trying to be relaxed but the tension is definitely there. “Okay?”

She looks at him, “You have an appointment. With the PE teacher and the headteacher.”

Double shit. He really shouldn’t be surprised, he did skip his abi exam on Friday after all. “Yeah.” He expects something more but when he looks back at Laura she’s staring at Matteo.

He looks over and sees Matteo ripping into a piece of bread that he then proceeds to use to sop up the food in his bowl. He huffs out a little laugh over the fact that Matteo was clearly enjoying the food. 

Laura catches his eye and he can see laughter and fondness there. He’d been so worried about how mad Laura would be at him that he’d thankfully not even taken the time to consider how awkward it could be for his sister to officially meet his boyfriend. Sitting here with both of them eating breakfast, he feels the rightness of everything. Matteo fits in with the two of them like he’s the piece they didn’t know they were missing. 

When they finish eating David offers to clean up, to which Laura replies with, “Yes, that’s a given. I’m going to shower.” Before leaving David and Matteo alone in the kitchen.

Matteo apparently decides to be as unhelpful as possible as he simply sits at the counter critiquing how well each dish is being cleaned. When David suggests he can come over and assist if he’s doing such a terrible job, Matteo just grins at him and says, “No, I’m good.” He then quirks his brow and continues, “I like the view from here anyway.”

David blushes against his wishes because Matteo really is very annoying. 

As David is drying the dishes Matteo does finally get up from his perch on the stool, but he doesn’t come over to help. Instead he just wraps his arms around David’s waist and leans his head on his shoulder whispering in his ear, “How much longer is this going to take?”

A shiver goes right down David’s spine and he no longer cares whether the dishes get dry or not. He drops the towel and turns in Matteo’s arms to kiss him. 

They stumble out of the kitchen back into David’s room and fall back on his bed. They spend the rest of the day alternating between making out and sleeping in each other’s arms. They get up once more to eat dinner purely out of necessity for food. David thinks back to the first time they spent a day like this and is amazed that he thought he was happy then because it pales in comparison to the overwhelming happiness he’s feeling now. 

The sun has gone down, and they’ve been laying quietly for about 20 minutes. They’re laying facing away from each other in the same position they’d woken up in first thing this morning. David thinks Matteo might be asleep again behind him, however when his phone buzzes beside him he picks it up and sees a message from Matteo,

\- What is the best sandwich filling?

He huffs out a little laugh and turns his head to see Matteo lying still beside him, making no indication that he’d just sent him a text. He lays his head back down and types back,

\- You

Instantly Matteo responds,

\- Haha

A couple minutes pass with still no sound or movement from Matteo’s side of the bed. Then,

\- Are we ever going to get up btw?

David smiles. It’s 9pm, if they hadn’t already gotten up for the day there was no way it was happening now. He writes back a simple,

\- Nope

\- Ok :)

David is laughing silently to himself completely mystified why Matteo is preferring to type this out instead of actually speaking.

\- Why are we even texting if we’re lying next to each other Mr Florenzi?

\- Laziness level: Matteo

\- Hahahhaa  
\- Isn’t texting even more exhausting?

\- Pshhhhht🤫

David laughs out before he lays his phone down on his bedside table so he can roll over to wrap himself around Matteo’s back, “You’re so stupid.”

Matteo mocks outrage before laying his own phone down to flip over to tackle David back onto the mattress. They start wrestling on the bed laughing and struggling under each other. David manages to pin Matteo down but nearly loses his grip when he looks down at Matteo and is overcome with how beautiful he is. He manages to hold fast though as Matteo tries to push up against him. He’s lifting his head, straining off the mattress. He looks David right in the eye and asks, “Can you just kiss me please?”

David blushes because his competitiveness must have gotten away from him and he didn’t realize that was what Matteo was trying to do. He smiles at him before leaning down to kiss him sweetly. Matteo sighs into his mouth and he feels it down to his toes. 

They end up kissing and wrapping themselves around the other until eventually they drift off to sleep. The last thought David has before losing consciousness is that this was what true happiness felt like.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

He wakes up on Monday morning feeling something shifting beside him. He opens his eyes and sees Matteo looking at him. “Were you watching me sleep?” he asks feeling like his voice is filled with gravel.

Matteo shrugs and smiles at him. There’s no shame in the movement. “You look so good when you sleep, I couldn’t help myself.”

David blushes. He’s still getting used to the looks that Matteo give him that are so full of desire and love he sometimes gets overwhelmed by them. Matteo starts lightly tracing his forehead and cheek with his fingers. He seems lost in thought and David feels a buzzing under his skin at the touch. 

He clears his throat to speak knowing that his voice barely carried his words before, and with Matteo’s touch and gaze now he doesn’t know if any words would actually escape without it. “Umm, what do you wanna do today?”

Matteo seems to snap out of whatever thoughts he was having as his eyes clear and his fingers stop their tracing. “Oh, uh, I was thinking of heading home so I could change and I was thinking we could hang out with the guys later since we didn’t make it on Friday night.”

“Oh…okay…sure.”

Matteo creases his brow, “Are you cool with that?”

“Uh, yeah. What were you thinking with the guys?” He’s nervous about the prospect of hanging out with Matteo’s friends for the first time. He knows how much they mean to him, and that they’re supportive of the two of them together and of David himself, but he’s never really hung out with a large group of guys before and he’s not sure what kind of things they do together.

“Probably just have them come by my place for some beers. Just chill.”

Oh. That didn’t sound too bad. David could handle just hanging out at Matteo’s. 

“Is that ok? Do you not want to?”

David realizes he hadn’t said anything back to Matteo which clearly prompted the questions. “Yeah of course that’s ok. It’ll be good.” He pushes for his best approximation at an enthusiastic smile.

Matteo looks relieved. “Ok. Cool. I’ll text the guys and tell them to come over. “ He kisses David quickly before sitting up from the bed.

David’s confused by the action. He isn’t ready for Matteo to leave his bed. He reaches for his shoulders to try to pull him back down, “Why are you getting up?”

Matteo turns back to him smiling, “I told you I wanted to head home. Come on get up.”

David flops back on the bed pouting slightly, “You don’t need to leave yet.”

Matteo stands up and turns to him, “You’re coming with me, aren’t you?”

“Oh, I guess I can,” he hears noises coming from the kitchen and realizes that he should really stay back for a bit. He still hasn’t had time to really talk to Laura about the last week and apologize to her fully and he really needs to. “Um, maybe I should stay though and talk to Laura. I’ll come over later.”

Matteo turns his head toward the sounds of Laura cooking in the kitchen and nods, “Yeah, ok.” He pulls on his clothes as David gets up from the bed. He walks Matteo to the door and hugs him tightly feeling strangely sad that Matteo is leaving even though he knows he’ll see him in a few hours. Before kissing him, Matteo takes his face in his hands and says, “Don’t be too long ok?”

He promises him, kisses him, and lets him out the door. Matteo seems to hesitate for a second before taking his first step toward the stairs. David watches him walk down the stairs and when he gets to the first landing he looks up at David, smiles and says, “I love you.”

David feels his face break into a full smile as he quietly says back, “I love you too.”

Matteo gives him a blinding smile before nodding and disappearing down the rest of the stairs. As David turns and closes the door behind him he sees Laura standing in the hallway smiling at him. “Well that might’ve been the cutest shit I’ve ever seen.”

David rolls his eyes at her, “Shut up.” He walks toward the kitchen and as he passes her he says, “You know there’s such a thing as privacy, right?”

She laughs and slings her arm around his shoulders, “I’m just teasing. Seriously, I’m really happy for you. The two of you go well together.”

He ducks his head slightly trying to hide the blush that’s in full bloom, “Thanks.”

He grabs a cup and pours himself some coffee before going to sit at the table. Laura appears to be making pancakes and David feels his stomach rumble. She looks over as she’s cooking and says, “I thought Matteo might stay for breakfast again. Why’d he go? You made sure he knows he’s welcome here anytime right?”

David takes a sip of his coffee and nods, “Yeah, he wanted to go home and change his clothes since he hadn’t been home since Friday.”

“Hmm. After that display in the hallway that looked like you were sending him off to war and didn’t know when you would see him again, I’m surprised you didn’t want to go with him.”

He rolls his eyes again. He’s not sure what he’s done in his life to deserve the world’s most annoying sister. “Shouldn’t you be happy that I chose to spend time with you instead of him?”

She smirks, “Oh is that what happened? He didn’t get sick of you and flee?”

He wishes he had something he could throw at her, “Oh my god, you’re the worst person I know!”

Laura throws her head back, cackling laughter. She finishes plating the pancakes and brings them over to the table, a laughing smile still playing on her lips. 

David gives her the finger as he takes a plate from her hands.

She gives him a look of feigned shock, “Is that any way to thank your glorious sister for providing you with breakfast?”

“I mean if it comes with being annoyed to death, I don’t know if it’s worth it.”

She sits down still smiling as she takes a sip of her own coffee. She sets her cup down and looks at him more seriously, “I am really happy you’re here. I was really worried I’d lost you.”

David feels a lump in his throat as he swallows his bite of food. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“What happened? Why didn’t you come home?”

David can’t look at her anymore. He feels every terrible thing he’d been feeling on Thursday come back. “I just…I couldn’t face any of it. I couldn’t walk back into the school and see Mr. Neuhaus and everyone, knowing that they all knew. I thought I would be laughed at and I just couldn’t take it. I knew you would make me go to the exam and I panicked.”

Laura reaches across the table to take his hand. “You could have told me all of that you know. I could have helped you.”

“You shouldn’t have to though.” He looks up at her then feeling tears starting to pool in his eyes, “You shouldn’t have to deal with any of this. I don’t want to be a burden.”

Laura squeezes his hand tighter giving him a very pointed look. “You are not a burden David! You need to stop thinking that about yourself, ok?” She waits for him to acknowledge what she’s said before continuing, “I love you, Luise loves you, and it’s clear that Matteo loves you too. You aren’t alone and you never need to feel that any one of us wouldn’t do absolutely anything for you. I mean I would literally die for you David!”

He grimaces at the thought of that. He doesn’t deserve that level of love.

She scoffs, “Are you telling me that you don’t feel the same way about me?”

He’s surprised by her question. How could she think he didn’t? “Of course I do.”

“Well then why don’t you think you’re worthy of that same amount of love?”

He frowns and shrugs. He doesn’t have an answer for that. 

Laura looks like she’s thinking for a moment before continuing, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe you should consider going back to therapy.” When David looks like he may argue, she rushes on, “I know you went originally to sort out your gender identity, but I think it could help you figure out why you don’t think you deserve to be loved as much as you are and why you always feel the need to run away.”

David knows she’s probably right, more because she usually is rather than him actually agreeing with her. He gives her a very noncommittal, “Maybe.”

“Ok…” it’s quiet for a minute. 

He feels almost like they’d been fighting with how tense he is. He takes another bite before finally taking a breath and saying into his lap, “I know you love me, you know. It’s just hard sometimes believing it because I don’t feel like I deserve it…and I don’t fully know why that is, but it might be because sometimes I don’t love myself, but I’m trying. Just don’t be mad if I struggle sometimes.”

She doesn’t say anything. He looks up when it’s been silent for too long. It’s not like her not to instantly comfort him when he gets like this. When he looks into her eyes he sees nothing but love and understanding, “Sorry if I ever made you think I was mad at you. Really I’m more just baffled that you can’t see how amazing you are…but also…everyone has a hard time loving themselves sometimes. I mean even me, your absolutely flawless sister…” she smirks as she winks at him. “But just promise you won’t run away again.” 

“I promise.”

She takes a deep breath and blows it out, “Ok good.” She takes a bite and smiles wickedly at him, “Now, are you going to give me the details about how Matteo ended up staying the night two nights in a row?”

A nervous laugh escapes him, “No, definitely not.”

She laughs and pretends to pout before giving him another devilish smile, “That’s ok, I pretty much know. You know the walls aren’t that thick.”

His faces burns as he rolls his eyes, “Shut up.”

She just laughs as she continues eating. He’s so grateful to have her, even if she makes it her life’s mission to embarrass him to death whenever possible. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Matteo had sent a message that the guys were all going to be getting to his place around 17:30 so he should come whenever he can. 

He’s currently extremely pissed with himself because he’d been so nervous about trying to figure out what he should wear he ended up leaving his house late and missed the bus he was planning on taking so now he’s hurrying to get to Matteo’s place about 45 minutes later than he planned on getting there. 

When he finally gets to Matteo’s building he takes a few breaths before ringing the buzzer. He wills himself to calm down and take on an air of nonchalance because the last thing he wants to do is walk into Matteo’s apartment a complete nervous wreck. 

He presses the buzzer and a moment later he hears Matteo’s quiet voice through the speaker, “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me,” he’s about to add his name when the buzz comes and he hears the door unlock.

He pushes the door open feeling a slight satisfaction at the fact that Matteo knows his voice. He makes his way up the stairs feeling a strange sense of déja vu comparing the last time he’d walked up these stairs feeling a sense of dread rather than this complete sense of anticipation and joy he’s feeling right now.

He somehow makes it to Matteo’s door before he’s opened it, but before he gets a chance to knock, it opens and Matteo is standing there looking sleepy and ruffled but absolutely perfect.

He tilts his head saying, “Hey” which is immediately echoed by Matteo before he imitates the gesture with a little mocking noise which David can’t help but be charmed by. He steps forward into the apartment to kiss him quickly. He pulls back to look at him, “I missed you.” Before he fully gets it out Matteo is collapsing onto his shoulder and wrapping his arms around his waist pulling him tightly against him. 

He wishes they could stay like this forever, but knows Matteo’s friends are somewhere in the apartment and that would just be weird. He squeezes Matteo tightly for a second before releasing him and Matteo does the same. 

Matteo turns away and quietly says, “Come,” before heading down the hall. 

David takes a breath and follows him, willing all of his nerves away. As he follows Matteo into the living room he can hear the deep voices of the guys coming from the room. When he enters, he sees Abdi and Carlos sitting on the couch with their backs to him and Jonas sitting on a couch opposite. He swears he hears him say, “he’d still fuck me,” but he ignores it as he forces out a bright, “Hey.”

Both Abdi and Carlos turn their heads to see him and at the same time he hears one of them say “Hey” and the other “What’s up?” but isn’t sure who said what.

Jonas smiles at him as he gets up from the couch to sit in the chair next to it, clearly freeing up his space so David can sit with Matteo. David appreciates the gesture and feels like Jonas is silently letting him know that he’s accepted here and no one is going to stand in his way.

As he goes to sit down, Jonas holds out his fist and looks at him, “Na?”

He bumps his fist back and smiles. It’s been seconds and already he feels like he belongs with these boys.

He sits down on the couch as Matteo sits down next to him, puts his feet up, and leans his entire body against him. He wraps his arm around him in what’s become an almost automatic gesture and somehow doesn’t feel weird about being this physically close to Matteo in front of other people.

As though they’d been in the middle of a conversation Abdi starts speaking, “No, seriously. Why don’t we write our exams about women? I mean, that would actually serve a purpose.”

Carlos thankfully responds, “Because of Sam?” and David feels like he’s given him a little context for whatever it is they were talking about. Carlos continues, “Because women are just wired differently? Like, I can’t really explain it?”

David’s delighted that his presence has apparently had no effect on the dynamic of the room. He’s never experienced being in a room with a group of other guys as they talk about whatever it is they talk about, and he’s looking forward to actually being just one of the guys for once.

He does start fully grasping what they’re saying though and realizes very quickly that they have no idea what they’re talking about as Abdi asks, “How so?” and Carlos responds, “They’re simply wired differently.”

Abdi takes a beat before looking at Carlos and saying, “Thank you Carlos. Thank you for your brainy contribution.”

Carlos scoffs, “I just wanted to help, you dick.”

David can’t contain it anymore, he laughs and says, “I think women aren’t wired that differently, actually.”

Both Abdi and Carlos give him confused looks as Abdi asks, “What do you mean?”

Crap, he doesn’t know much more than that they aren’t right. “Well…I don’t know, I don’t really get them either, but…they probably just want clarity as well.”

The confused looks deepen on both boys faces as they both ask, “Clarity?”

He’s not really sure what it is they don’t get about it. “Did you ever tell Sam that you like her?”

Abdi looks a little embarrassed, “Well, I…” he laughs slightly, “I offered her a lollipop and she didn’t want it.”

Carlos turns to him and bounces a tennis ball that David didn’t realize he had in his hand, off the back of Abdi’s head before saying, “A lollipop?”

Jonas, who’s been quiet this whole time, puts his face in his hand as he huffs out, “For real, you have to offer her your lollipop and not just some random lollipop.”

Abdi looks like he’s never been more confused in his life, “Dude, if she doesn’t want a random lollipop, she probably wouldn’t want my lollipop.”

David’s trying his hardest not to laugh out loud at how much Abdi is clearly not getting what’s being said to him as he feels Matteo shaking his head against his shoulder.

He’s quickly understanding the dynamic between Carlos and Abdi though as Carlos most unhelpfully adds, “Fuck lollipops bro, give her sucuk with egg.”

Abdi seems hopeful as he reply, “You think so? In a pan, or…”

Jonas interrupts, “Dude, we’re talking about your penis.”

David’s trying not to break but then fully does as Abdi looks slightly horrified as he says, “Yo dude, I’m not putting my penis in a pan.”

The room breaks out in groans and he can feel Matteo shaking with laughter against him. Matteo is trying to speak but is choking on his laughter, “You…you should just tell her that you like her man. What…?”

Abdi looks uncertain, “I can tell her that with sucuk and egg, you know, I…” he’s still clearly not getting it.

David tries to save him, “Or you could tell her that with words.”

Matteo helpfully adds on, “Directly.”

Abdi appears to think about it for a second, “That I like her? I don’t know, I prefer sucuk. But not in a pan, man.”

David and Matteo both just laugh. Abdi clearly doesn’t know what’s good for him and Carlos chooses not to be helpful again as he tells him, “Good idea.”

Abdi seems very pleased with himself suddenly as he looks at David and says, “By the way, your boyfriend just said that he’d have sex with me.”

This is not anywhere near what David was expecting would be said next, and would love to hear under what context that had come up in their conversation. He runs his fingers through Matteo’s hair and looks down at him as he asks, “Oh, did he?”

Matteo sighs, “Yeah, and then I took it back, I just wanted to cheer him up.”

David can’t help but smile as he hums and Abdi says, “Yeah right.”

Carlos looks a little put out when he contributes, “Mind you, I have the biggest penis out of everyone here.”

Matteo starts speaking before he’s even finished, “Out of everyone here, literally no one cares.”

Abdi looks over to Carlos and asks, “Could you possibly have a penis complex?”

Carlos appears to be attempting to contain a laugh as he says, “Ask your mum.”

Abdi looks scandalized before he punches Carlos in the side calling him “Dickhead.”

Carlos gets Abdi in a headlock as they both start calling each other names and wrestling slightly on the couch.

David’s completely charmed by the clear idiocy of these boys as he’s starting to suspect that his boyfriend might actually be one of the smarter members of his group.

He looks over at Jonas and sees that he’s looking less than happy and Matteo seems to notice at the same time as he nudges his knee and asks, “Hey bro, all good?”

Jonas looks up and smiles weakly, “Of course.”

Matteo seems to give him a pointed look but lets it drop. David doesn’t say anything as clearly Matteo knows his best friend and knows when to push and when to not.

After Abdi and Carlos stop fighting each other it’s decided that they’ll order some pizza. David finds himself in the middle of a heated discussion between Abdi and Matteo over what is acceptable topping for a pizza and is concerned that Matteo might’ve stopped loving him based on the look he gets from him when he says that he agrees with Abdi that hollandaise sauce doesn’t sound like the worst thing you could put on pizza. 

A couple hours later Carlos receives a text from Kiki, who David has learned is his very demanding but very loved girlfriend, wondering where he is. It somehow leads to a rapid exodus of all three guys from Matteo’s apartment. David feels slightly high from the adrenaline that’s coursing through him from being around them all once they leave.

Matteo had gone to see them all out and when he gets back into the living room he flops down on David’s lap once more only this time fully sitting on him and facing him. He kisses him with a sigh then rests his head on his shoulder. “Was that all right? Did you have a good time?”

David hums as he presses a kiss to the top of his head, “Yeah, it was great.”

“Ok…I know they can be kind of dumb, but I promise they’re the best friends.”

He gives Matteo a little squeeze, “I really liked them, they’re funny.”

“Ok, good.” He seems to nestle further into him. “Are you gonna stay the night?”

“Oh, I didn’t bring anything with me to…”

“Well you can always borrow some of my clothes and whatever.”

David loves that idea. “Ok, then I will.” Matteo makes a small contented noise and burrows into his neck. Before getting lost in the sensation though it occurs to him that he should probably let Laura know he’s not coming home. He lifts Matteo’s head from his shoulder, “I just need to text Laura.”

He reaches behind him for his coat which he’d slung on the arm of the couch when he came in. He pulls out his phone and see a Whastapp notification. He opens it and sees that Jonas has added him to a chat called ok.cool. He then sees welcome messages from Jonas and Carlos, and a gif of two men hugging from Abdi. 

He smiles broadly as he types back a thank you. He turns the phone to show Matteo, “I guess your friends like me.”

Matteo kisses his cheek and smiles, “How could they not?” He pulls his own phone out of his pocket and David can see he adds a simple :)) 

As he writes a quick message to Laura he starts getting notifications for a conversation that’s started between all the boys about planning a post-graduation trip. Sitting with Matteo in his arms and being included fully into his friend group, David feels a contentment he didn’t know was possible. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Tuesday passes much like their day on Sunday, lying around in bed making out with intermittent bouts of napping in between. The only exception to the day is that instead of having their morning interrupted by breakfast with Laura, around 6pm the door to Matteo’s room bursts open, literally interrupting them making out, with Matteo’s roommate Hans summoning “the lovebirds” for dinner.

Matteo seems only half-heartedly pissed at the interruption which surprises David. 

During the course of the meal David marvels at how Matteo’s two roommates can be so drastically different, yet still very much in sync with each other. Hans might be the most extroverted, flamboyant person he’s ever met, and Linn is nearly silent the entire time. He sees as he sits eating at Matteo’s side, how Matteo strangely fits in as the essentially normalizing agent between the two. He asks at one point where their other roommate Mia is, which causes an equally varied array of responses from Linn’s dour frown, to Matteo’s single word response of “Alex’s”, to Hans’ overdramatic, near soliloquy for how she has forsaken them all for her boyfriend. 

He feels very much at home here and is amazed that somehow Matteo surrounds himself with people who instantly make you feel like you belong, like you’re family. He starts envisioning how his life with Matteo is going to proceed; the two of them the constant at each other’s side, with a rotating mixture of people who love and support them coming and going. It makes a sense of calm root itself deep in his chest. 

Once they finish dinner and clean up the kitchen as thanks for the meal, Matteo turns to him and asks, “So what do you wanna do now?”

“Uh, I should probably head home. I have to be at the school tomorrow morning for a meeting with the headteacher and stupid Neuhaus at 8:45.”

Matteo seems a little dejected, “Oh…”

He’s so charmed by the pout that’s come to Matteo’s face, he leans forward and kisses his cheek before asking, “Do you wanna come home with me?”

Matteo breaks into a wide grin, “Yesss.” He almost runs out of the kitchen leaving David unsure of what’s going on. He starts following him to see what he’s doing, but before he can even get to his bedroom, Matteo comes into the hallway holding his backpack. He looks at David, “Just one second,” before he turns and rushes into the bathroom only to come out another second later smiling at him, “Ok ready.”

David starts laughing, “I didn’t mean right this instant, but ok, let’s go.” 

He walks into the living room to say goodbye to Hans and Linn and to thank them again for dinner. Linn just smiles at him. Hans jumps up from the couch to give both him and Matteo hugs. He ushers them out of the apartment with a “Have a goodnight my little lovebirds.” Which Matteo is clearly embarrassed by, but David secretly loves.

When he wakes up to his alarm on Wednesday morning he’s beyond happy that Matteo came home with him the night before. Having the steady presence of Matteo beside him when he wakes up eases his nerves of what this morning will bring. 

Matteo is super groggy as they start getting ready and he’s glad that at least Matteo can just go home and go back to sleep. He wishes he didn’t have to be up right now, but he accepts that this is his punishment for worrying everyone so much last Friday when he should have been taking his exam.

They walk to the bus stop hand in hand and he silently wishes that Matteo could hold his hand all morning. That he could come into the meeting with him and give him the strength and confidence he only seems to feel with Matteo by his side.

On the bus when they get to Matteo’s stop he nudges him because he hasn’t moved, “What’re you doing? This is your stop.”

Matteo looks at him blankly, “What’re you talking about?”

He points out the window of the bus, “This is your stop Matteo. Aren’t you getting off?”

“Uh, no, why would I?”

“Because you live down there?” David’s not sure what’s confusing about anything he’s said.

“But I’m not going home, I’m coming with you.”

“What? Why?”

Matteo frowns, “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because you don’t have to.”

Matteo just rolls his eyes and scoffs. He wraps his arm around David’s shoulders and pulls him close to his side.

Apparently there was nothing more to say.

Once they get to the school David feels like the building is going to swallow him whole. They walk side-by-side down the hallway to the main office with David feeling like he’s marching to his death. He’s now very glad that Matteo decided to join him.

He feels Matteo’s eyes on him and turns to look at him hoping that he’ll get a little confidence bump from the reassurance that he’s there. Matteo whispers, “Secretary’s office, buh-bum,” miming playing an ominous tune. David smiles at him, appreciating that he’s trying to ease his tension.

When they get to the door he pulls it open gesturing for Matteo to go in first with a “Ladies first,” to which Matteo makes an small, elaborate bow before stepping into the office. 

Once inside he sees the secretary who gave him his class schedule a few months prior. She’d been so kind that day, but today she looks slightly annoyed. She looks up from her desk, “Can I help you?”

“Uh, I have an appointment with Dr. Steinberg. I’m David Schreibner.”

She sighs and turns back to her computer. She types something that he assumes must be a way to check him in.

Waiting to enter the headteacher’s office he starts feeling incredibly anxious. He looks over at Matteo and feels a little guilt get added to the anxiety that he’s spending his early morning at the school when he doesn’t have to. “You really don’t have to wait here.”

Matteo smiles at him as he puts his hand on his shoulder, “But I want to.” He then takes his chin and kisses him lightly, before reaching up to mess up his hair. 

The slight teasing action makes David feel better so he doesn’t fully notice when the headteacher, Dr. Steinberg, opens her door. “Ah, David you’re here. Come in. Mr. Neuhaus is waiting.”

He looks back at Matteo who gives him a supportive shove in the direction of the office, he takes a breath and enters.

Mr. Neuhaus is seated at a chair beside Dr. Steinberg’s desk. He looks up and nods as he comes in the room, “Hello, David.”

David gives him a tight smile before he sits down in the chair clearly meant for him.

Dr. Steinberg sits down across from him and smiles, “So David, we have a bit of an issue in regards to your Advanced PE abitur exam. I spoke with Mr. Neuhaus about an incident I was made aware of regarding him and yourself that happened about a month or so ago that was unfortunately captured on video. I want to apologize on behalf of the school that you were ever made to feel uncomfortable in anyway and I want you to know that we have dealt with the student who recorded and sent the video out. I know you came here with certain expectations and I’m sorry that we let you down. But as for your exam, can you explain why you were absent last week?”

David clears his throat, “Um, well it…I was worried that everyone would make fun of me and I knew that Mr. Neuhaus had wanted to grade me as a girl anyway, so I didn’t really see a point if I was going to be humiliated and not even get graded properly.”

Dr. Steinberg looks over at Mr. Neuhaus then back at David, “Ok, I just want to make it very clear how serious it is to miss an abitur exam, but we understand that there were extenuating circumstances in your situation, so we’ve agreed that you can take your exam on Friday at noon and that you will be graded properly on the boy’s scale.”

Relief sweeps over him. He expected to be in trouble and dreaded that he’d have to re-do his abitur next year. “Thank you so much.”

Dr. Steinberg clears her throat loudly looking back at Mr. Neuhaus.

Mr. Neuhaus shifts in his chair and looks at David, “David, I would like to apologize for ever putting you in the position I did. I honestly thought I was helping you out and I’m sorry that you were negatively effected by my actions.”

David just stares at him for a moment. He’s never had an adult apologize to him before. He doesn’t know what to say so he just smiles weakly at him. He isn’t sure if he actually forgives him. 

When it becomes clear that David isn’t going to say anything, Dr. Steinberg claps her hands together and says, “Ok great. So everything’s settled. David, we’ll let you be on your way, I’m sure you’d rather be doing something else than being at school today.”

They all get up from their chairs and move to the door. Dr. Steinberg leads the way out of the office, “Good. So we, uhh, scheduled Friday as a fixed date, okay David?”

David walks out of the office and is confronted with not just Matteo in the waiting area, but a large group of people all standing looking at him. He needs to focus on what Dr. Steinberg just said to him though so he turns to her, “Yes sure, thanks.”

“Okay then. But please show up this time, will you?” she smiles at him while she says it. She then turns her attention away from him and onto the large group of what David is now seeing is all of Matteo’s friends. “Umm, and all of you have an appointment with me now or what?”

A pretty blonde, who David hasn’t actually met yet but is pretty positive is Kiki, speaks up, “Nope. Only me.” She separates herself from the rest of the group and walks toward them dropping her voice down once she’s closer to David and the two teachers, “Yes because of the abi prank.”

David takes this as his signal that he’s released from his obligation to being here anymore so he starts walking towards Matteo and his friends unsure of what they’re all doing here. 

As he walks past Kiki and Dr. Steinberg he hears Dr. Steinberg say, “My school is not going to be decorated with penises again,” to which Kiki quickly says, “No, no, no. We have completely different plans. Okay so let me show you…” as they enter the office and close the door. 

He does a double take that he just heard right as he must have missed whatever led to penises decorating the school at some point recently.

When he gets to Matteo’s side, Matteo leans his head on his shoulder and he feels grounded yet again. He feels the heavy presence of Mr. Neuhaus still standing outside the office door though, so he looks back over at him. He looks less than impressed as he says to David, “See you on Friday.”

There’s a beat of silence before he starts walking towards the entrance. As he gets closer David hears Jonas repeat, “Friday,” in a not entirely friendly tone. As Mr. Neuhaus gets to the door Sam and Matteo’s friend Amira are blocking the way looking as though they have no intention of moving.

Mr. Neuhaus shuffles a little looking down at the much shorter girls, “May I?”

Both girls stand completely still giving him looks that could kill. He shuffles a little more making Matteo’s friend Hanna move out of the way to let him past. Mr. Neuhaus looks pretty pissed when he finally exits but Matteo just laughs as puts out his fist to Amira. She smiles and bumps it and the tension eases out of everyone in the room.

David’s a little surprised as he’s put on the spot when everyone turns to him with expectant looks on their faces, “I’m allowed to retake the PE exam and I’ll be assessed correctly.”

There’s a chorus of cheers and Matteo grabs him and kisses him. Carlos makes a loud barking noise and the secretary yells, “Silence!” This only makes everyone louder as they laugh and parrot back “Silence!”

They all stream out of the office, David and Matteo with their arms wrapped around each other. David hears Jonas yell out “We are abi Chaker” behind him which makes everyone cheer along again. When they get to the main corridor they all stop to sit and wait for Kiki to finish with her own appointment. 

Everyone’s talking at once about the look on Neuhaus’ face and how awesome it is that David gets to re-do his exam. He’s a little stunned at how close they all are and amazed that all of them are here. He leans over to Matteo and whispers in his ear, “What are they all doing here?”

Matteo smiles at him and whispers back, “They’re here for you dummy.”

He shakes his head completely confounded. He keeps doubting that what Matteo told him was true, that everyone cares about him and wants to help him, but he keeps being shown the proof. He hears Laura’s words from the other day echo in his mind, that he’s not alone and that he’s worthy of love like this. Even love from people he doesn’t really know.

After a few minutes Kiki comes out of the office looking happy but stressed, “Okay, we’re approved but I still don’t know what we’re going to do for decorations. We have to make the school look amazing.”

Matteo nudges him and says, “You know David’s an artist.”

Kiki turns to him with her eyes wide, “Really? Do you think you could help with some art or something for the abi prank?”

“Umm…” everyone is turned to him. “Maybe, what are you thinking?”

“Well we only have a day, so I don’t know. Posters or something?”

Looking at the hopeful faces around him, the faces of people he just met but who care about him more than most people would, he doesn’t want to let them down. “Yeah, I guess I can figure something out.”

“Oh yes,” Kiki rushes at him and wraps him in a tight hug. “Ok, so let’s go get started.” She takes David by the hand and starts pulling him away from Matteo.

Everyone starts laughing and David looks back at Matteo in a bit of a panic at being stolen away by this girl he doesn’t actually know. Matteo gets up from where he’s seated and starts slowly following after them, “Kiki, slow down. We can all help.”

She looks back at everyone, still with a vice grip on David’s hand, “Yeah, I would hope so. Let’s go everyone!”

Everyone groans but gets up to come along as well, and David gets the sense that this may be a normal thing for Kiki to take charge with everyone else getting in line to follow. 

They all make their way to the art room and set to work coming up with ideas of what the decorations can be. Sam comes up with the idea that they should try to incorporate pictures of everyone from their year. That sparks an idea in David’s mind and he starts scrolling through everyone’s Instagram saving pictures that he likes. 

Once he's come up with the concept he really just wants to get started on creating the art, which he would rather do at home than here with everyone watching him. He’s still a little shy around them all though, not wanting to say something that might seem rude. He pulls Matteo aside, “Hey, I think I know what I want to do, but I don’t really need any help. Would it be rude if I tell them all that I just want to go home and do it by myself?”

Matteo laughs. “Dude, you do realize that no one but Kiki actually wants to be here, right?” He turns to all of his friends, “Ok, David and I are leaving.” When Kiki is about to start arguing he holds up his hand, “He’ll let you know when he’s done and get you what you need.”

David blushes as everyone laughs. Hanna looks at him, “Are you sure you’re cool doing it all yourself?”

“Yeah, I know what I wanna do. It won’t take me long.”

Carlos gets up first, “Great! Kiki, sweetheart, do you want to go get something to eat?”

She scowls at him, “Don’t call me sweetheart. And yes, I do.”

Abdi gets up, “Sweet, I’m hungry too.”

Carlos turns to him, “I didn’t invite you to come.”

Amira turns to him, “I could eat,” to which Jonas, Hanna, and Sam all agree. 

Carlos rolls his eyes, “Fuck, fine, I guess we’re all going to get something to eat.”

As everyone gets up to leave, David turns to Matteo and asks, “Do you wanna go with them?”

He smiles at him, “Nah, I’m good.”

They all walk out of the school together and before they part ways Kiki makes sure that David has her number. “Message me as soon as you’re done or if you need any help, ok?”

David laughs, unsure how else to react to Kiki’s intensity. “I will, don’t worry.”

They spend the rest of the day in David’s room with Matteo laying on his bed playing games on his phone, while David transforms the images he’s saved from Instagram into art on his computer.

When he’s happy with how they all look he turns to Matteo, “Can you come looks at these? Do you think they’re all right?”

Matteo heaves himself up from the bed and bends over to wrap himself around David’s shoulders. He scrolls through the images. When he gets through all of them he kisses David’s neck and says, “Those are amazing.”

“Do you think it’s what Kiki had in mind? Do you think she'll like them?"

“Fuck her, if she doesn’t. But I’m sure she will.”

“Ok,” he selects all the images and sends Kiki a link to access them.

A few minutes later he gets a response from her,

\- On my god David!!!!  
\- Those are amazing!  
\- You’re the best!  
\- ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

He shows Matteo and he laughs, “She’ll love you forever now.”

David smiles. He believes Matteo and realizes that he may actually have gained some new friends today. A week ago he’d been feeling so alone at Luise’s house, he can’t believe how much could change in a week.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

On Thursday David wakes up before Matteo for the first time since the pool. He turns over in bed and smiles seeing his sleeping boyfriend beside him. He remembers the thought he’d had on Saturday morning thinking how much better it would be to have this in an actual bed and laughs slightly at himself at how very right he was.

He doesn’t know how much time passes as he lays there watching Matteo’s chest rise and fall and his face twitch very slightly, but he can’t tear his eyes away. He remembers waking up on Monday morning to Matteo watching him sleep and fully understands now why Matteo was doing it. He’s mesmerized. 

Matteo starts smiling and David thinks he might be having a dream, but then Matteo mumbles out, “David, stop staring at me.”

He feels a blush on his cheeks, but is baffled how Matteo could possibly know he’s looking at him because it appears that his eyes are still firmly shut. 

David starts scrutinizing Matteo’s face trying to see if his eyes are somehow very slightly open. Just as he’s sure Matteo can’t possibly be seeing him, one of Matteo’s hands comes up and covers his eyes. Next thing he knows he feels Matteo press a kiss to his lips and say with a laugh, “I told you to stop staring at me.”

David reaches up and pulls his hand away to see Matteo looking at him and smiling broadly, “How did you even know I was looking at you? Your eyes were closed.”

Matteo laughs and shrugs, “You stare very loudly.” He kisses him again and pulls him tightly against his chest.

David starts laughing, “What does that even mean?! But that’s beside the point, why is it ok for you to watch me sleep, but I can’t watch you?”

“Because you’re insanely attractive,” Matteo says it very matter-of-factly.

David blushes again but manages to sound confident when he replies, “And you’re not?”

“Pssshhh, don’t be dumb.”

“I’m definitely not the dumb one in this relationship.”

This earns David a jab in his side which results in the two of them wrestling on the bed until David manages to get Matteo pinned and he conceding defeat. When he flops down on the bed beside Matteo he feels spent from so much exertion so early in the day. 

Matteo takes his hand and starts playing with his fingers as he asks, “What are we gonna do today?”

David feels warmth bloom in his chest that it’s now just a given that his days will be spent with Matteo by default. “Hmm, I don’t know. I should maybe prepare a little for my exam tomorrow.”

“Ugh, PE? I hate PE.”

He laughs because the fact that Matteo hates PE is completely within character. He can’t actually imagine Matteo even managing to run a lap. “Maybe I’ll message Leonie and Sara and see if they’re around to help me prepare then.”

Matteo hums but doesn’t say anything. They haven’t actually talked about David’s friendship with the girls and he doesn’t know how willing any of them are to be friends with each other.

He turns slightly so he’s facing Matteo and asks, “Are you cool with the fact that I’m friends with them?”

Matteo’s eyes widen slightly, “Yeah, of course. I don’t know if they’re cool with me, but I’m cool with them.”

“Ok, so then I guess I’ll see if they’re around…if they are do you wanna come too?”

“Practice for PE? No, I’ll pass. I may see what the guys are up to or maybe just go home and chill out.”

David feels a little disappointed that he may not spend the whole day with Matteo, but realizes that it’s probably a ‘healthy’ thing if they take a little break from each other. They’ve literally spent almost every hour of every day together since Friday. 

He rolls over and grabs his phone from the bedside table and opens his text conversation with Leonie. He’d forgotten that he didn’t respond to her texts from that terrible Friday, so that makes this a little awkward.

\- Hey Leonie. Sorry I was M.I.A. for so long and that I didn’t let you know that I was ok. Everything’s good now.  
\- You may have noticed that I missed the Advanced PE exam last week but they’re letting me make it up tomorrow. You wouldn’t happen to be free today to help me practice for it would you?  
\- I already love you forever and ever but I would love you eternally if you could

It takes a minute before Leonie starts typing back,

\- David!!!!!  
\- I’m sooooo glad you’re ok  
\- I have no plans today so I can help you no problem 😊  
\- Meet in an hour at the field at school?  
\- Cool if I invite Sara along?

David smiles, it’s like he can hear Leonie’s voice in every message she sends.

\- Yes to Sara and yes to meeting you there in an hour  
\- See you there!  
\- And thanks

\- ❤️  
\- 🙌💪🏃♂️

He turns back to Matteo who appears to be dozing again and pokes him lightly in the side, “Ok, I’m meeting them in an hour at the school, so we’ve gotta get up.”

Matteo groans and starts grumbling to himself something that sounds distinctly like, “Stupid boyfriend who does stupid sports.”

David laughs as he drags him up off the bed, “I love you too.”

They quickly get ready and walk down to the bus stop, Matteo practically draping himself over David on their way there. Once they get on the bus he doesn’t remove himself from David’s body in any way and David’s very aware of the few people on the bus who are looking at them. He normally hates being looked at by strangers, but he's having a hard time wanting to break the contact knowing that they’re about to spend the day apart. 

Unlike the day before, as they approach Matteo’s stop he does actually move to get off the bus. Just as the doors open to let him off he turns to David and presses a firm kiss to his lips before disembarking. 

He watches Matteo slowly start walking toward his apartment as the bus pulls away. As he loses sight of him, he turns his attention back inside the bus and sees a middle-aged woman giving him a disapproving look. He feels a defiance rise in his chest. Who the fuck is she to judge him? He raises his eyebrows at her and smirks, she ends up just frowning and looking away.

He realizes that he doesn’t feel any shame or embarrassment and is feeling a little proud of himself knowing that not too long ago someone giving him a look like she had would have sent him spiraling down into misery and humiliation.

When he gets to his stop he almost has a bounce in his step, feeling a confidence he didn’t know he was capable of having.

As he walks to the field his phone buzzes and Matteo is messaging him,

\- I forgot to ask you to stay over at my place tonight

He smiles at the thought that Matteo doesn’t want to spend a night apart. 

\- You know I have to get up by like 10:00 at the very latest for my exam right?

\- So?

\- Ok, if you don’t mind then I’ll be there

Matteo sends back a gif of two people basically licking each other’s faces as they’re making out.

David rolls his eyes. He may need to teach Matteo what works and what doesn’t when trying to actually make your boyfriend want to kiss you.

\- nvm I changed my mind

\- What? Seriously? 

\- No dummy, just promise me you won’t kiss me like that and we’re good

\- Promise ☺️

\- Ok. I’ll see you later

He pockets his phone laughing at how dumb but absolutely adorable his boyfriend is. 

As is always the case when he meets Leonie, he’s early and she’s late. He’s been stretching for what feels like forever when she and Sara coming rushing toward him.

Both girls yell in unison, “David!” before tackling him in a hug. He laughs and hugs them back.

They pull away and beam at him. He feels an almost painful smile on his own face and a warmth at how easy it always is with both of them. 

Leonie’s smile stutters slightly as she starts to speak, “So, you’re good? Like actually good and not just saying you’re good?”

David nods and says, “Yes I am actually really, really good. Sorry again that I didn’t let you know what was going on, but it completely and totally sucked and I needed to get away for a bit and not talk to anyone…but everything’s a lot better now.”

Leonie smiles up at him and squeezes his arm, “You don’t need to apologize. I’m just glad everything’s ok.”

Sara clears her throat, “Uh, yeah, you didn’t deserve any of that…” she seems like she wants to say more so David doesn’t say anything and Leonie looks at her expectantly. “Um, did Matteo find you? He was at the school looking for you before the exam on Friday, I don’t know if you know.”

David hears the concern in her voice and doesn’t know whether it’s for himself, Matteo, or her. He smiles softly at her feeling a little guilty knowing that she so wanted to be with Matteo and he was with him instead, “Uh, yeah, he did. Thanks. We’re all good.”

Leonie quirks her brow at him, “How all good? Like you and Matteo are together all good?”

David feels himself blush and can’t help the smile pulling at his lips. He ducks his head trying not to make his overwhelming joy at being with Matteo too painfully obvious. 

Leonie squeals, “Oh hell yes!”

Sara just laughs quietly.

He takes a breath to try to clear the flush and fluster he’s starting to feel thinking about Matteo. He looks back up at the girls knowing his face is still bright red, “Ok, anyway, can we start helping me get ready for my exam tomorrow?”

Both girls look at each other and start laughing but nod and say in unison, “Sure.”

It actually turns out to be perfect practicing with the girls, seeing as they both already went through the exam the week before, and are able to give him all sorts of tips that he knows will help him the next day. They end up practicing for a couple of hours before Leonie decides that David is prepared enough and that she’s hungry. She insists that the three of them go out for lunch and doesn’t accept David’s complaints at being too sweaty.

They end up spending several hours talking and laughing at a restaurant not far from the school. It feels nice being with both of them and talking about everything. Sara doesn’t seem bothered when Leonie shifts the conversation to details about what happened between Matteo and him. He now feels confident that he can go home and tell Matteo that both girls are cool with him as well.

He doesn’t actually realize how much time has passed until his phone buzzes in his pocket and he picks it up and sees that it’s almost 18:00. He smiles at what caused the buzz as he sees Carlos, Abdi, and Jonas had all sent him good luck messages for the next day in the group chat. He sends back a gif and a message laughing at himself that Matteo must be rubbing off on him. There are a couple more replies from the boys before Matteo adds his own gif contribution.

A separate notification from just Matteo pops up on the screen seconds later,

\- Hey. When are you getting here? I’m making dinner  
\- Plus I miss you 

He types a quick,

\- I’m leaving now. Be there soon.

David looks up at the girls who’ve been continuing chatting with each other while he’s been distracted by his phone, “Hey, I need to go. Matteo’s making dinner and wondering where I am.”

Leonie seems to almost melt, “Oh my god, that’s so fucking domestic. You guys are gross.”

Both he and Sara laugh as they get up to say their goodbyes. He thanks them both profusely for helping him and promises them he’ll see them for the abi prank tomorrow before heading out. 

When he gets to Matteo’s he’s pulled in with a tight hug and lingering kiss before Matteo seems to snap himself out of it and push him to sit down at the table where two plates of pasta are sitting waiting for them. David is honestly shocked when he takes a bite and is greeted with one of the best things he’s ever put in his mouth.

Around a mouthful he says, “I didn’t know you could cook.”

Matteo looks almost insulted, “I’m Italian amore mio. Of course I can cook.”

David thrills at the little Italian casually rolling off Matteo’s tongue. He’s apparently just full of surprises.

As they eat and do the dishes side-by-side before curling up on the couch together to watch a movie, he realizes that Leonie was right in her assessment of domesticity. He snuggles deeper into Matteo’s side and delights in the thought that this is the first of many nights he’ll have like this. He’s more content then he can ever remember being in his life.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

On Friday morning his alarm goes off and he’s instantly anxious. In a few hours he has to be at the school to complete his final abitur exam and unfortunately that means being one-on-one with Mr. Neuhaus. He groans at the thought. 

He’s extra annoyed with himself now that he skipped his exam last week, especially with retrospect knowing that if he’d just been brave enough to go home on Thursday everything would have been ok and he would’ve been one of many taking the exam. But now he has to face Neuhaus on his own and that puts his nerves on edge.

When he rolls over he discovers that Matteo isn’t in bed which is surprising. He could really use the comforting presence of Matteo to ease his nerves right now. 

He gets out of bed to see where he could possibly be. When he opens the bedroom door he can hear banging sounds coming from the kitchen. He shuffles in to see Matteo cooking. He doesn’t make his presence known right away because he missed out on seeing Matteo cook the night before, and is fascinated by the energy his normally very lazy boyfriend seems to have confidently moving around the kitchen.

Matteo notices him standing in the doorframe after a minute and smiles the most brilliant smile at him, “Good morning.”

David smiles back and finally moves into the kitchen to grab Matteo to give him a kiss. He breaks away and looks around at the mess of food on the counter, “What’s going on here?”

“I’m making you breakfast. You need your strength for your exam.” He places another quick kiss to David’s lips before pulling out of his embrace to continue putting food on plates, “Just take a seat.”

David isn’t about to argue, so goes to the table to sit down. He’s presented with a plate filled with delicious looking food and a cup of coffee. “Matteo, you didn’t have to do this. It’s too much.” He feels like he may start crying at how sweet it is that Matteo did this for him.

Matteo takes his own seat and just rolls his eyes at him before starting to eat. He points his fork at David’s plate and says with his mouth full of food, “Eat.”

He does as he’s told and is again amazed at how everything tastes so good. He makes a mental note that the item he added on his to-do list a few weeks ago to start learning how to cook might not be necessary now if Matteo was this good of a cook. 

Once he’s finished eating he excuses himself to go take a shower and get ready to head out for his exam. He realizes as he walks to the door with Matteo handing him his sport bag that he isn’t feeling any of the anxiety he was when he woke up. Matteo had, probably without even knowing it, managed to make him forget all about what he had to go and face.

After Matteo gives him a tight, comforting hug and a kiss he sends him out the door reminding him that he’ll see him at school in a couple of hours. 

He knows he’s being a little ridiculous with how early he actually leaves to get to school, but the last thing he wants is to get held up and be late. He ends up getting to the school half an hour early though, so has to figure out how he can kill some time. 

All the lower grades are still in school, so there are some people milling around. He catches a couple people staring at him and gets a little self-conscious. He knows he’s being stupid, but he really wishes he’d asked Matteo to come with him so he could feel his strong support sitting beside him before he had to head into the exam. Since he doesn’t have it and doesn’t really want anyone seeing him and making him feel any more anxious, he finds a quiet corner near the gym to sit down and wait.

He opens his gym bag to double check he has everything he needs, and sees a blue plastic sandwich container right on top. It takes him a moment before it actually clicks that Matteo must have put it in there. His heart swells in his chest as he pulls out his phone,

\- Mr. Florenzi…

Matteo’s response comes a moment later,

\- Yeeees?

He takes a picture of himself taking the sandwich container out of his bag and sends it with a message,

\- Did you seriously secretly put a sandwich in my sport bag for my test? 

\- Umm… that’s possible… 😁

He can’t believe it. He takes the sandwich out and takes a picture of himself taking a bite and sends back, 

\- Thank you! ❤️  
\- You’re the best!

\- You!  
\- And now show it to Neuhaus, I believe in you!

Reading the messages he's awed at the feeling that’s overtaking him. It’s an overpowering sense of love and support. He’s floored by how much he loves Matteo and is amazed that he’s so sure that Matteo’s love is the same. He now doesn’t care who may be looking at him in the hall, or how tough this exam is going to be with Mr. Neuhaus, he’s loved endlessly and that’s all that really matters.

When he finally enters the gym Mr. Neuhaus seems nervous himself. He actually apologizes again before pulling his domineering face back into place. It strangely makes David feel better that maybe Mr. Neuhaus isn’t the worst person he’s ever met like he’d been thinking for the past few weeks. 

The exam is challenging, but at the end Mr. Neuhaus looks impressed and congratulates him for doing an excellent job. He apologizes again that he ever suggested grading David on the girl’s scale as he could see now that he was more than capable, and did better than most of the other boys in class.

It takes everything in David not to roll his eyes and tell him I told you so. He instead decides to be the bigger man and thanks him for taking the time and letting him re-take the test. 

He leaves the gym and can hear a distant commotion and knows that the abi prank must be in full effect. He starts jogging down the hall to join them and sees Matteo walking toward him wearing a pirate hat and an eye patch. He smiles broadly when he catches sight of David and David speeds up to run into Matteo’s arms. 

He’s so happy to see him and relieved to finally be done school he doesn’t even think twice when Matteo kisses him right in the middle of the main foyer, surrounded by all their classmates. Matteo pulls back and shoots him with the small confetti gun he didn’t notice he was holding and David laughs. They walk toward where everyone is congregating with their arms wrapped around each other.

Everyone is shouting and cheering. There’s confetti guns going off everywhere and it feels like joyous chaos. 

As David and Matteo make it to the crowd of people, David feels someone pull on his arm that’s not slung around Matteo’s shoulder and turns to see Kiki’s beaming face, “David! Did you see the decorations? They look so great, you’re amazing!” She pauses for a second and looks at him, “Where’s your hoodie?”

He’s momentarily confused by the question before Matteo grabs his sport bag from his hand and starts unzipping it, “Oh my god Kiki, he just finished his exam, he hasn’t had time to put it on yet.” Matteo pulls the red hoodie that everyone is wearing out of David’s bag, “Here it is.”

Kiki scowls half-heartedly at Matteo as David laughs and replaces the sweatshirt he’s wearing for the other. Once he has it on Kiki perks back up saying, “Perfect! Come, let’s go celebrate!” She then pulls both David and Matteo more fully into the crowd.

A singing chant of “abitur” starts up and everyone starts yelling and jumping around. At one point Abdi places overlarge blue-tinted sunglasses on his face which makes Matteo howl with laughter. 

Everyone is bursting with joy and David feels almost high on it. All of Matteo’s friends are embracing him and seem so genuinely happy to see him. He can’t remember a time in his life when he’s felt so accepted and carefree.

A few minutes into the absolute mayhem Jonas’ amplified voice breaks through the noise, “Hey my lovelies, umm…” everyone quiets down and turns to see Jonas standing in front of a mic stand with a guitar. “I’ve written a song which is about that umm…together we can make it and we can be brave together.”

David had noticed Jonas with his guitar at Matteo’s place the other day, but didn’t know he actually played well enough to be standing in front of such a large group of people, and he definitely didn’t know he wrote music. Again he’s impressed by the people Matteo has in his life, that he now has in his life by extension.

Jonas starts playing an absolutely beautiful tune on the guitar, which elicits many “awws” from the crowd. He smiles shyly before starting to sing. The lyrics are sad but hopeful and David clings to Matteo’s side wanting the years that Jonas is hoping for in the lyrics to come true. 

Once Jonas finishes playing, everyone cheers and rushes toward him to hug him. The calm that had fallen over the crowd during the performance is quickly replaced again by excitement and joy as loud music starts playing over the school’s speakers. The whole main foyer quickly turns into a dance party.

David laughs and dances more than he has since he was a kid. 

The party seems never-ending but when the final bell rings the music cuts off much to everyone’s chagrin. 

Clear that the party at the school is now over, they all start streaming out. David turns to Matteo as they’re walking out of the school and asks, “What now?”

Matteo smirks, “Now we party.”

David learns that Hans has arranged for them to have a party at a large loft space that one of his friends owns. 

During the course of the night all of Matteo’s friends make him feel like he’s always been part of the group. At one point he says to Matteo, “Your friends are really great.” To which Matteo corrects him and says, “You mean our friends. They’re your friends too.” With how every one of them has made David feel he knows that what Matteo says is true. 

He looks around the room and sees the kindest people he’s ever met and feels proud that he gets to call them his friends. He can’t believe that not long ago he didn’t think he could ever have this and had actually tried to push any of it away.

After what feels like hours of dancing and goofing around David’s feeling tired, especially after having done his PE exam earlier. He finds Jonas and Hanna cuddled up on a couch in a large sitting area. He doesn’t want to disturb them, but would really like to sit down and relax. “Uh, can I join you guys?”

Jonas looks up at him and smiles broadly, “Of course brother.”

David smiles to himself as he takes a seat having figured out that ‘brother’ is one of the ways that Jonas shows affection to the other guys and is so happy that it’s extended to him as well. 

The three of them talk for a little while about the end of school and how they all thought their exams had gone. They’re interrupted by Matteo coming over and laying down fully across all three of them. Neither Jonas nor Hanna seems to mind Matteo’s legs sprawled across them and David definitely doesn’t mind him laying in his lap with his head against his chest. He wraps an arm around Matteo and he just snuggles in deeper. 

In a matter of minutes everyone else comes to join them and it just feels so cozy. 

The conversation that David had been having with Jonas and Hanna picks back up again with everyone talking about how exams had gone for them. The talk naturally starts turning to what everyone’s plans are for the future. 

Amira mentions taking a gap year and going traveling, Jonas plans on taking a gap year also but volunteering instead. Kiki and Mia are excited to maybe start university. David mentions that he’s hoping to go to film school which everyone seems very impressed with. 

Hanna must notice that Matteo hasn’t said anything because she looks at him and asks, “And you? Do you have a plan for the future?”

Matteo’s quiet for a second seeming to think. When he responds he's so quiet, “Don’t know.” He starts looking at everyone around him, “Life is pretty good as it is right now.” David knows what he means by it and smiles before pressing a soft kiss to his temple.

There’s a beat and then Amira asks, “What? So you don’t wish for anything? Not even to get your weed back?”

David doesn’t know what that’s about, but Abdi interrupts, “Wait, wait. That’s my weed! What’s up with your weed?” It gets very quiet and David sees Sam slip down onto the ground which causes everyone to look her way laughing with Hanna asking, “Sam?”

She looks like she’s trying to look innocent as she looks over saying, “Yes?”

Abdi almost cries out, “Sam?! You smoked it all?!”

Sam whines, “Abi time was stressful!”

Abdi seems almost inconsolable, “Without me?”

Sam shrugs, “Eh!”

Abdi looks devastated. 

David can feel Matteo lightly laughing in his arms. “Those were 10 grams.”

There are a few laughs and groans. David laughs out, “Oh boy.” He’s completely entertained by the whole interaction but still isn’t clear how Matteo has anything to do with it.

Hanna apparently wasn’t ready to let her question to Matteo drop so asks him, “Ok. So no plans for the future?”

Matteo seems to think for a moment. He very slightly shakes his head before saying, “Life is now.” He turns his head and David can feel him trying to look at him, “With you.”

David squeezes him tighter. He feels so overjoyed at this moment. He’s surrounded by people he really feels like he can call friends and he has the boy he loves in his arms. 

He’d spent so long pushing everyone away and running when it got too much, he didn't know what he was missing. Matteo is right that life is now, but for David the best part was that it was now with Matteo. He didn't need to push and run anymore. He was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone for reading. If you have left me kudos or comments they literally made me so happy and pushed me to actually write.   
This is the first fic I've ever written and seeing people actually read it and enjoy it is legitimately insane.  
Also I just wrote a novel, wtf!  
Davenzi forever.  
And in case you couldn't tell I am 100% on the David4Season5 train.


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